Chapter 52: Homer at the Bat

##Ahh, the Simpsons ## D'oh! Mmm, doughnuts. Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something. Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts. Hey, Homer's choking again. Isn't there a first aid chart around here somewhere? - Somebody scare him. - That's for the hiccups. Hey, look at this. Softball starts this week. Softball? Who's next? - Count me out. - Not me. - No way. What's the matter with you guys? Last year we were 2 and 28. It wasn't our best season. Actually, it was. This year it's gonna be different. What makes you so damn sure? I have a secret weapon. Hey, he's been holding out on us, huh? A secret weapon? I wonder what it could be. Hmm. - Count me in. - I'm there. Come here, boy. I want to show you something. What's that? A homemade bat? It's something very special-- a homemade bat. It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm when I locked myself out of the house. Sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find. Something told me this was a very special very magical piece of wood that I could make a bat out of. I put my homemade football on hold and set to work making the world's greatest bat. Homie, come to bed. Homer, go back to the garage. And here it is. Wow! How many home runs you going to hit with that? We play 30 games, Hit one here, Charlie! Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. Chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. And the fourth inning is the beer inning. Hey, we know how to play softball. Play ball! Attention all units! Attention all units! Armored car being robbed at Fifth and Main. Turn off that damn radio! And the next man wants to hit the ball too. And there he goes off in that direction. And everyone is happy. Mom, why don't you let me call the game? That's all right, dear. I can do it. Men, stop that! Okay, Homer, bases loaded, and you're up. Where's that secret weapon? Check it out, boys. My magic bat. That's it? Yeah, I got a magic bat too. And I got an enchanted jockstrap. Yeah. Just watch. Whoo-hoo! All right, Homeboy! Yeah! Ha-ha! Cops can't win! - Get his license and registration. - Right, Chief. Wow, Dad. Homer, can I get you a beer? No. I want to get him a beer. Kids, kids, you can each get me a beer. But first, let's see it again in super slow motion. Why, you-- Huh? Ooh! Such a mighty wallop. I got my magic bat off a piano. My sister let me use her wooden leg. Good news, sir. The softball team won again. If we beat Shelbyville, we capture the pennant. Did you hear that, Ari? My boys need only to thump your tub, and the title is ours. Ha! The Gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes. I disagree. Would you care to bet a million dollars? Why don't we make it interesting? What, a million dollars isn't interesting? Did you say a million? I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere. I thought you would start with a small amount we would bait each other and-- You know how it goes. Certainly. A million will be fine. Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million dollar bet? Yes, sir. Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million dollar bet? No, sir. Who would you like killed? No, Smithers. I've decided to bring in a few ringers-- professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson Mordecai Brown-- Uh, sir. What is it, Smithers? I'm afraid all those players have retired and, uh, passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 1 30 years. Damnation! Find me some good players-- living players. Scour the professional ranks-- the American League, the National League the Negro leagues. I'm on my way. Oh, and, Smithers you have 2 4 hours. I get $50,000 to play one game? That's right, Mr. Canseco. It's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun. Uh oh-- Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer. Oh, that's okay. Happens all the time. Are you Mike Scioscia? That's me. How do you like working for the Dodgers? It's okay but sometimes I wish I had something more blue collar with big machines and cool dials and stuff like an oil refinery or hydroelectric plant. We should talk. And this is Elvis'rec room. When the King wasn't rehearsing or exercising he liked to unwind by watching up to three TVs at once. Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle. Are you Ozzie Smith? Yes. I have a proposition for you. - Hello. Are you Don Mattingly? Yes. Yes, I am. Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? What's your name? How would you like to be a ringer on a small-town company softball team? Would I? Now I'd like to introduce the new members of our happy power plant family. - Our security guard, Roger Clemens. - Hello. - Ourjanitor, Wade Boggs. - How you doing? - Our lunchroom cashier, Ken GriffeyJr. - Hey, what's up, guys? Our new, well, uh we'll make up jobs for these fellas later. Say hello to Steve Sax, Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia andJose Canseco. - Ooh. - Wow. - Geez. By the way, you new fellas, there's a sign-up sheet for the softball team on the board over there just in case you wish to play. - Wait a minute. - What's going on? With them on the team, you won't need us. Well, duh. You, Scioscia, sign up. I'm here to run the solid contaminate encapsulator. One more outburst, and I'll send you back to the big leagues. - You're Darryl Strawberry. - Yes. - You play right field. - Yes. - I play right field too. - So? Are you better than me? Well, I've never met you, but yes. It's not fair. We worked so hard to get to the championship game and we'll be sitting on the bench. You hit so many home runs. What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry is better than you? Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster, stronger and he already has more friends around the plant than I do. You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Now that you're older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try. As your new manager, I want to say this up front-- No one is assured a spot in the starting lineup. I don't care if you're Steve Sax or Darryl Strawberry or-- What's one of the bad players' names? Homer Simpson, sir. Or Homer Simpson. Secondly, instead of beer, you will all drink this. It's a brain and nerve tonic rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. It has been known to cause gigantism but only in rare cases. Try some. It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited. Excellent. Let's begin our training, shall we? Smithers the medicine balls. Ugh. Ugh. Here. What are you gonna do with your million dollars? Throw it in the pile, I suppose. You are all very good players. We are all very good players. You will beat Shelbyville. We will beat Shelbyville. You will give 1 1 0%. That's impossible. No one can give more than 1 00%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give. I got it! I got it! Yes. Hey! I called for that. Put a lid on it. There's no ''I'' in ''team. '' Some of these guys have a bad attitude, Skip. They sure do, Strawberry. Scioscia, I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every night busting your butt hauling radioactive waste. It's a relief from the pressures of playing big league ball. There, you make any mistake, and boom-- the press is all over you. Uh-oh. Don't worry about it. Oh, man, is this ever sweet. Me, me. Pick me. Pick me, pick me. I pick Ken GriffeyJr. Aw, geez. Okay, I'll take Millhouse. Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? You got yourself a player. Damn! All right, I'll take Louis. I'll takeJose Canseco. D'oh! Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns. What sideburns? You heard me, hippie. These guys aren't so tough. I've got Wonderbat. Take a knee, boys. Tomorrow is the biggest day of your lives-- The Shelbyville game. So lights out at 7::30 and abstain from coffee, tea and cola drinks. They pack a wallop. Sure do, Skip. Before I post the starting lineup I want to assure those who are not on the list that I'm very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let's call it heart. - No hustle either, Skip. - That's right, Darryl. All right. Way to go. Aw, nuts. Please, please, please. Clemens, did I make the team? You sure did. I did? Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry. Are you Ken GriffeyJr. ? No. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. Ohhh. Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen. Three misfortunes, that's possible seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance but nine misfortunes-- I'd like to see that. What a nice little town. Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire. What seems to be the problem, officers? That's enough, smart guy. Reach for your license. Slowly. Well, well. Steve Sax from New York City. I heard some guy got killed in New York and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve? But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City. You don't know when to keep your mouth shut do you, Saxy boy? Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm. Can't lift arm or speak at normal rate. I'm afraid you have a case of acute radiation poisoning, Mr. Scioscia. Will I be able to play softball tomorrow? No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe. Oh man. Dr. Hibbert Ken GriffeyJr. needs to see you immediately. We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic. Good Lord! Gigantism! - My baby! My baby! - Don't worry, ma'am. I'll save your baby. Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco. - My cat! Never fear, ma'am. I'll save your cat. - My player piano! Oh, man. Ohh, one thing I'm good at, and I can't do it anymore. Homie, you're good at lots of things. Like what? Like snuggling. Yeah, but none of my friends can watch me. And I say England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Pitt, the Elder! Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. Uh! Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. Pitt, the Elder. Lord Palmerston! Nice work, boys. We can close the book on every unsolved crime in our fair city. Don't I get to call my lawyer? You watch too many movies, Sax. How long does it take to see this thing? I'm in a hurry. It's hard to say. Once you go in, you may never come out. Wow! One, please. Where do you think you're going? To the game. No. I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. We've seen it, Dad. For the last time, get rid of those sideburns. I don't know what you think sideburns are, but-- Don't argue with me! Just get rid of them! It's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers? Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six life sentences. Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. Cool! What about Canseco? The dryer goes on the right. Yes, ma'am. What about Clemens? Sir, he's in no condition to play. That damn hypnotist! You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken. I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association. But I did a good job a good job. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job. Mattingly! I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good! Fine. I still like him better than Steinbrenner. All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits. You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win. Not so fast, Simpson. The man who plays your position is here. - Hit the pine. - Ohhh! You stink, Strawberry! We want Home Run Homer! Darryl. Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. - Darryl. Children, that's not very nice. Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this. It rolls right off their backs. Who wants peanuts? Hey, whoa! Ho, peanuts! Hey, peanuts! We got peanuts! Need some peanuts? Heads up! All right, Monty it's up to your managerial skills. What to do-- Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir. You, Strawberry-- Hit a home run! Okay, Skip. I told him to do that. Brilliant strategy, sir. Ohhh! Oh, dear! Hmm. Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself. Kids? We'll tell you, Mom. All right, tie game. Bottom of the ninth. Two outs, bases loaded. Strawberry coming up. They're gonna win the city championship. No thanks to me. Wait. You! Strawberry! Good effort today. Take a lap and hit the showers. I'm putting in a right-handed batter. Pinch-hitting for me? Yes. You're a left-hander and so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter it's called playing the percentages. It's what smart managers do to win ball games. I've got nine home runs. You should be very proud. Sit down. Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry. I am? Whoo-hoo! That a boy, Homer. You can do it. All right, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. - If I tug the bill of my cap like so - Yeah. - it means the signal is a fake. - Uh-huh. - I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. - Got it. If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice. I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm potato chips. - Got that, Simpson? - Yes, sir. Now batting for Darryl Strawberry-- Homer Simpson. - All right! - Yea! - Boo! - Boo! Huh? Ugh! Oh, dear! No, Mom. It counts as a hit. Dad just won the game. Well, I guess he'll be happy when he comes to. We won! We won! All right! Homer! Homer! Homer! ## Well, Mr. Burns had done it ## ## The power plant had won it ## ## With Roger Clemens clucking all the while ## ##Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile ## ## While Wade Boggs lay unconscious ## ## On the barroom tile ## ## We're talking softball ## ##From Maine to San Diego ## ## Talking softball ## ##Mattingly and Canseco ## ##Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw ## ##Steve Sax and his run-in with the law ## ## We're talking Homer ## ## Ozzie and the Straw ## ####[ Instrumental Break ] ## We're talking softball ## ##From Maine to San Diego ## ## Talking softball ## ##Mattingly and Canseco ## ##Ken Griffey's ## ## Grotesquely swollen jaw ## ##Steve Sax ## ##And his run-in with the law ## ## We're talking Homer ## ## Ozzie and the Straw ####