Chapter 48: Radio Bart

##Ahh, the Simpsons ## D'oh! Oh, ain't that cute? Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of dancing? Whoa. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Can I have money to buy Bart a birthday present? Money. - Dad, this is $1 1 0. - Oh. Sorry. That's righteous. Funky See, Funky Do will be back to lip-synch one of their hits right after this. Hey, kids, why sit in front of the TV when you can be on the radio? We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy Across the U. S. A. Convoy That could be Bart. Throw away your bulky transmitters and broadcasting towers. The superstar celebrity microphone lets you hear your voice through any A. M. radio. Hey, good-looking we'll be back to pick you up later. He's in for some loving. It's the perfect gift for birthdays, graduations board meetings. You're fired. Bart's birthday's coming up. But order now, supply is limited. Limited! Do you have any of those microphones left? Yeah, a couple. Bart's really going to like my birthday present this year. It won't be like those shoe trees I got him last year or the shelf paper I bought him for Christmas. I'll buy his love yet. Mmm, yeah. Okay, Sideshow Mel bring out the birthday cake. Hey, kids while Sideshow Mel mops up let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today. All right, here comes my name. Wow. Best eight bucks I ever spent. Bart, your grandpa's on the phone. He wants to wish you a happy birthday. Isn't that nice? Take a message. Right now, I'm off to hit 46 local merchants for free birthday goods and services. I'm here for my free birthday sundae. Eat it and get out. Digital audiotape, my butt. When I was a kid, we had compact discs and I don't recall no one complaining. Damn right. Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party. Farewell, Señor Bart. Hey, good to see you. Glad you could make it. Toby, have you lost weight? Uh-oh, here comes trouble. It's Wally! Hey, Wally, do something funny. Hey, later, okay? Hey, why don't you go bug your parents? Cool, Larry the Looter. All right, stick it to the man. Hey there. I hear it's your birthday. How old are you? Well, I'm-- That's great. Would you like us to sing you a special song? - Hell, no. - You got it. Ready, Señor Beaveratti? I'm a-ready. And a-one, and a-two You're the birthday You're the birthday You're the birthday boy or girl What the? It's a label maker. We have one at home. Before we got it I was always finding Patty's stubble in my leg razor. Bart, I'll bet you think nothing's going to top that cactus. Well, check out my present. Next. Bart, be polite. Next, please. Bart, I've noticed your birthday presents are a poor crop at best. I hope this turns the tide. Ooh,just gorgeous. Now we can be twins. There's only one beer left, and it's Bart's. Hey, boy, how's the microphone working? Fine. Bart! I would love to get a present like that. Here you go. Enjoy. D'oh! This is a great invention. Watch. We got a great big convoy Rocking through the night We got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy Quit it, Dad! Hey, good-looking we'll be back for some dinner later. What did you say? I can't understand you with all that distortion. What a crappy birthday. I don't think this is such a bad present. Maybe you shouldn't talk into it as loud as your father does. Testing. Testing one-two-three. Oh, my. Do I sound like that? Hey, it does work. I bet you could have a lot of fun with this. Why don't you go show your father? Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Mmm, chocolate. D'oh! Marge, we need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer. Mmm, chocolate. People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious. Why, you little-- Oh just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes. I promise. Mama. Mama. Maggie, you talked! Can you say ''Mama'' again? Sorry, lady. Show's over. Oh, Bart. I dreamed I was married to Corey and we lived on a pony farm and Corey was always walking around with his shirt off. Oh, brother. Mrs. Crabapple, that was uncalled for. Bravo! Well done, old man. Hmm. Rod, Tod, this is God. How did you get on the radio? What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids. Forgive my brother. We believe you. Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall. I will remove it for you later. What do you want? I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. But those belong to our parents. Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Happy God. Then quit flapping your lip. - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir. Whoops. Help! Help! Sounds like trouble a-brewing at the old well! Help me, please. I fell down the well! I'll get help, laddie. A little nip of courage. Out of my way! Look out, you horse's arse! Sucker. Huh? Hey, what's up? Some poor kid fell down a well. Yes! My name is Timmy O'Toole. I just turned ten years old. Timmy, where are your parents? I have no family. I tried to enroll in school but Principal Skinner turned me away because of my shabby clothes. He's a liar. The circumference of the well is 34 inches. So, unfortunately not one member of our police force is slender enough to rescue the boy. By God, men, you're a bunch of marshmallows. Why don't you go, Chief? Well, I'm too important. Timmy has told us his foot is trapped under a rock. Any attempt to pull him up would snap him like a twig. In desperation, the city is considering more unorthodox solutions. Grasping the child firmly in his talons Socrates here will fly him to safety. Just watch. I don't think he's coming back. With this hook and this hunk of chocolate I'll land your boy and I'll clean him for free. Although we can't reach the boy we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him. Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from your bounty we ask you to watch over little Timmy O'Toole trapped in that well. Bart, what's wrong with you? Yeah. Timmy is a real hero. How do you mean, Dad? Well, he fell down a well and can't get out. How does that make him a hero? Well, it's more than you did. Channel 6's own Krusty the Clown has gathered members of the entertainment community-- who normally steer clear of fashionable causes-- for a video called ''We're Sending Our Love down the Well. '' I wanted to do something to help so I called my friend, Sting. He said ''When do you need me?'' I said, ''Thursday. '' He said, ''I'm busy. '' I said, ''Friday?'' He said ''Friday's worse. '' Then he said, ''How about Saturday?'' I said, ''Fine. '' True story. Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. Oh, Sting. But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole or something. We've gotta do what we can. There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well For that poor little boy who sunk halfway to hell Though we can't get him out we'll do the next best thing And go on TV and sing, sing, sing And we're sending our love down the well All the way down We're sending our love down the well Down that well Krusty, what are your plans for the royalties? We got to pay for promotion, shipping, distribution. You know, those limos out back aren't free. Whatever's left, we throw down the well. Authentic Timmy O'Toole baby teeth. $6. 00 a bag. Step to the rear. Plenty of room in the back. ## The Itchy and Scratchy Show ## Hmm? Hmm? Ah. Drop that microphone. Drop it, boy! This is a special report from Channel 6 News. Disturbing news from the old well where Timmy O'Toole has apparently taken a turn for the worse. It's very simple, Kent. The child is reverting to a feral or wolf-like state. Here's an artist's conception. Bart. Ahem. I was trying to gnaw my foot off, but I couldn't get through my sock. Good night, everybody. The thought of a boy trapped in a well brought out the kindness of the entire community. When they find out you've been fooling them they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors. And how are they going to find out? The police will catch you. The police couldn't catch a cold. Maybe not, but you're stupid enough to have left a ''Bart Simpson'' label on that radio. D'oh! ''and Cinderella had the most beautiful gown at the ball with eight satin petticoats each more delicate than the last. '' I think he's asleep. Want a cup of coffee? Okay. Brave little guy. Hey. Almost tripped over this thing. Ugh! What did I do to deserve this? Help! I fell down the well. Tell us something we don't know. No, my name is Bart Simpson. What are you doing down there? Look, I'll level with you. There is no Timmy O'Toole. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody. Well, you sure fooled us, kid. Hey, I got an idea for a prank. Let's go home and go to sleep. Good one, Eddie. Ha, ha. Great joke, guys. Guys? Your son is trapped down the well. You must think we're the worst parents in the world. Yes, that's pretty much the feeling down at the station. Don't worry, son. Just 'cause you're trapped doesn't mean you can't live a full life. I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you fit. Why, you little! - Put a man on him. I like the other boy. So polite. What are you doing to save my baby boy? We've located a piece of machinery in Louisiana that could pop him out lickety-split. Why don't you get it? We've got a budget problem. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. Had he done it at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo. You're telling me the city won't pay to get a boy out of a well? They would have for Timmy, but your son he played us all for saps. Mmm. We've all been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by a ten-year-old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident. Homer! Could you edit that last part? Mr. Simpson, we're live. D'oh! One plus one plus three is five Little Bart Simpson's buried alive He's so neat He's so sweet Now the rats have Bart to eat Hey, stop that! Oh. Sorry, Lisa. How many days until Bart croaks? One, two, three, four And our new number one hit ''I Do Believe We're Naked'' by Funky See, Funky Do replaces ''We're Sending Our Love down the Well,'' which plunges all the way down to number 97. Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken heat so I am flip-flopping. I say let him stay down there. Yeah, Shutton here. Now, that's a story. Bart, honey, I made you an extra warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well. Mom, it's too big. You'll grow into it. Homer! I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. Now I'm paying the price but there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do-- smoke a cigarette use a fake I. D. shave a swear word in my hair-- That's all I can stands. I can't stands no more. I'm going to get you out of there myself. Now, why didn't I think of that? Agnes, we've got work to do. This is Kent Brockman with a special bulletin. The Lincoln squirrel has been assassinated. We'll stay with the story all night, if we have to. What's going on? It's an old-fashioned hole digging. By gar, it's been a while. The canary. Gas! Out of the hole! Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Back in the hole! Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest. Not while one of my fans needs me. Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play your albums. Shh! Marge, he's a good digger. Uhh! Sting! Mom! Dad! Bart, I've missed you so much. Man, I was so scared. Don't worry, son. They're going to make sure no one ever falls down this well again. That should do it. Shh!