Chapter 28: Oh Brother, Where Art Thou

Let's move on to new business. Have you taken care of McBain? Don't worry, Senator Mendoza. By now our dear friend has met with a shall we say, unfortunate accident? Great. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us! Any more new business? -Only your death! -McBain! McBain! Meeting adjourned. -$2. 50 for this? -What a gyp! You broke up that meeting. Now I'm thinking about holding another meeting in bed. Oh, McBain! I want to see the manager! -The screen's small! -The floor's sticky! -The subplot felt tacked on. -We demand a refund! -It's not our policy. -I'll policy you! -Don't have a heart attack, old dude. -Don't you tell me what to do, you young whipper snapper! Thanks for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality -at least in this country. Amen. -Very nicely said. -Bart ate during the blessing! -You opened your eyes. -Eating is worse. -Is not! -Is too! -Is not! One more word and Bart gets no cartoons and Lisa can't go to college! -Dad! -Not one word! -Knock it off. -We didn't talk. -Not a word. -No panto-ma-mine, either. -Telephone, Homer. It's the hospital. -The hospital? Hello? Oh, my God! I'm happy to say that he only had a mild arrhythmia. Mild! There wasn't anything mild about it! Now get back to the pharmacy, you quack! With that feisty attitude, you'll bury us all, Grampa Simpson. -Pull your chair closer, my son. -What is it, Dad? Not that close! Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday. Oh, Dad! You and your imagination. There's something I think you should know. You have a half-brother. A half-brother? It all happened while I was courting your mother. I was checking out the skirts at the carnival when I first saw her. Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown? She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back and she had a little surprise for me. We left the baby at the Shelbyville orphanage, and I never saw him again. A year later, I married your mother and we had you. I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that carnival incident. -Promise you won't tell. -I promise. Forget what I just told you. -Why are you blubbering? -This makes me feel special. Since I'm the one you kept, it means you really love me. -Interesting theory. -I'm going to find my brother. If I have to move heaven and earth, I'm going to find him! Yeah, right. Good luck. A long-Iost half-brother. How Dickensian! Know where this bastard lives? His parents aren't married. -It's the correct word, isn't it? -He's got us there. -Bastard! Bastard! Bastard! -Bart! -Bart! -Bastard! -Excuse me, is this an orphanage? -You're a little late. -They tore that down 30 years ago. -Thirty years! I'll never find him! I'm doomed to walk through this life alone. Oh, brother, where art thou? -Easy. They moved across the street. -Sorry. I know how you feel. I've spent years searching for my long-Iost twin brother-- Yeah, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name? Our records state the Powells adopted him and named him Herbert. Herbert Powell, great! Where can I find him? Sorry, I'm not allowed to say. Please! This is my life we're talking about here! I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. Your brother could be anywhere, even Detroit. I know he could be anywhere! Narrow it down, please! If you ask me the city of brotherly love isn't Philadelphia, it's Detroit. Changing the subject makes you a worthless excuse for a human being-- Read between the lines, you fool! I get it! Here's 20 bucks. Now, will you tell me where my brother lives? -I don't-- -Take it and tell me! -He lives in Detroit. -Fine. Thank you. Let's see, Powell. "Pomerantz. " "Poole. " "Popkin. " "Potter. " "Quigley. " "Quimby. " "Randolph. " Oops, too far. Here it is, "Powell"! -Any luck? -No. I called all three Herbert Powells, nothing. Well, you want to try that H. Powell? "H" ! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but-- Is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan? By any chance does the "H" stand for Herbert? The "H" stands for Herbert! Herb, were you adopted? -From the Shelbyville Orphanage? -How did you know? Because I'm your baby brother, Homer! -Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! -Knock it off! I'm here! -I was silent due to emotion. -Sorry. We need to meet. Grab a plane to Springfield. We got a couch that folds out-- I'll tell you what, why don't you come here? -Are we there yet? -Just a little further. -We there yet? -Just a little further! If you don't behave we'll turn around and go home. -But, Marge, I want to see my brother! -Homer, it's an empty threat. Did you know you were going--? Sorry, sir, I didn't know it was you. That's okay. Carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge? -What are you doing here? -What does it look like? We're losing to the Japanese. Why? -Unfair trade practices? -Mushy one-worlders in Washington? -Some gypsy curse? -I'm tired of excuses! -Why did I hire Harvard idiots? -You went there. But Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way! I had to work, washing your dishes and toilets! I remember you. -What's the name for our new car? -You'll love this. The Persephone! Persephone? What the hell kind of name is that? She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. She was carried off to Hades where she ate six pomegranate s-- People don't want cars named after hungry, old, Greek broads! They want names like Mustang and Cheetah, vicious animal names. The problem is, you've forgotten your roots! What are your roots? I guess they extend to when the Angles met the Saxons. When white met bread. What are your roots? What can they teach us? I have no roots. All I know is that I'm just a Ionely guy. -What was he so upset about? -Good Lord. Marge, this can't be the right address. -Hello, in there. -Homer? -Herb? -You look just like-- Except you got a little more-- And a little less-- God, I feel so-- -Herbert! -Homer! -Welcome to my home, brother. -Holy moly! The bastard's rich! Herb, allow me to introduce my family. This is my wife, Marge. -You old dog, she's gorgeous! -Thank you. Our three children, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. -Hello, sir. -Hello. -All born in wedlock? -Yes, but Bart was a close call. Lisa, are you the hell-raiser your father told me about? -No, I can assure you I'm not. -I'm the hell-raiser. -Do you want to hold the baby? -I don't know how. Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! God, that new-baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know. I feel the same about you. I want you to make yourselves at home. Any time you're hungry, day or night, Cook will make you anything you want. -Even pork chops? -Absolutely. We've a tennis court-- If I want pork chops in the middle of the night, he'll fry them up? Sure. That's what he's paid for. If you need towels-- Wait! Let me see if I got this right. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a. m -there's a rumble in my belly-- -Homer! -You sure love pork chops! -He sure does, Uncle Herb. "Uncle Herb" sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me "Unky Herb"? -No problemo, Unky Herb. -He's adorable. My nephew's adorable. -Marco! -Polo. Will you kids shut up? So, Marge, a little about yourself. I met Homer in high school. We married and had three beautiful children. Wow, we have so much catching up to do. I just told you pretty much everything. -Watch me dive! -Okay, we're watching! I hope we're not spoiling them. -You weren't watching! -You didn't see! A millionaire! I kept the wrong one. I'll come as soon as I can leave here. In the meantime, please don't do anything stupid. Can I spit over the side? I love this kid. Hawk your brains out. Got him! Cook? Sorry to bother you, but I got a hankering for-- That's right! With applesauce. -Pick out any one you want. -You sure you want to give me a car? You know what they cost me? There's maybe $40 worth of steel in them. -Okay, I'd like a big one then. -We don't have a big one. -Why not? -Americans don't want big cars. -Give me one with lots of pep. -Our cars don't have pep. -Why not? -Americans want good mileage. Tell the nice man what country you come from. -America. -You hear that, morons? This is why we're getting killed! Instead of listening, you're telling people what they want. -I need your help. -You do? Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. -I want to pay you $200,000 a year! -And I want to let you! Homer, meet my team of engineers. They're gonna build your car. -Hi, team. -This project is our top priority. I don't want to see anything till it's finished. But, sir-- Direct all your questions to Mr. Simpson the man with the vision. He'll bust this company out of its rut. He'll change American transportation forever! -So, what kind of car would you like? -I don't know. Whatever you kids want to do today, tell me. -Oh, dear. -I want a pony ride. -I want a boat ride. -Pony ride! -Boat ride! -Pony ride! Ahoy, mateys! -Kids are so easy to please. -I hope we're not spoiling them. -What's that? -The onboard computer. All right. What's that? -Your brother told you to help us. -Yeah, he did. -Why don't you get us some coffee? -Okay. Batting ninth, Unky Herb! -Oh, boy. -How's your car coming? We're putting in an onboard something and rack-and-peanut steering. Homer, you didn't ask for rack-and-pinion steering, did you? I think I did. How could you ask for it? You don't know what it is. -May I be excused? -No. You know why I gave you this job? -You think I'm a genius? -No, not that. -You think I'm dynamic? -I don't think so. -You think I work well with others? -No. It's because you're an average schmo. -All you need is self-confidence. -Unky Herb, I don't know-- Listen to me. From now on, before you say anything, say to yourself: "If nothing else, I'm sure of this!" -Understand? -Sort of. -Homer! -What? -Answer with self-confidence. -Sort of! Now go get them! I want a place in this car to put my drink! -Sir, the car has a beverage holder. -Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. The Super Slakers they sell at K wik-E-Marts are this big! -Very big beverage holder. -I'm not done! The little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car. Little ball. Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style. Tail fins -and bubble domes. -I gotta call the boss. Hello. Well, you know what? I'm glad you're nervous because that means we're on the right track. All right! This is what you're gonna do. Hang up and call me back. Say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Kids, come here. -What is it? -Hear what the guys think of your dad. -Hello. -Homer Simpson is a brilliant man with lots of well-thought-out, practical ideas. He's ensuring the financial security of this company. Oh, yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproach. -Our dad's the greatest! -Homer, I'm impressed! Pretty good, huh? Put a horn here, here and here. I can't find it when I'm mad. -And they should play "La Cucaracha. " -Can do. Sometimes the kids are in the back hollering. There must be something we can do about that. A built-in video game? You're fired! What are we paying you for? A separate soundproof dome for the kids? With restraints and muzzles. Bull's-eye! And when I gun the motor I want people to think the world is coming to an end! The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is Scratchy. -They hate each other. -They express it. Good. To think I wasted my life in boardrooms and meetings. I could have been watching cartoons! This old fool's wasted his life. -Do you miss the Antarctic? -Now this is spoiling them. No. Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders members of the press, Your Holiness. Tonight we are going to witness automotive history. Whatever Homer wants All my life, I've looked for a car that feels right. Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft like a Nerf ball. Now I've found it. Presenting the car designed for the average man the Homer! -Questions? -What does this monstrosity cost? Jerry, what's the sticker price? $82,000! This monstrosity costs $82,000? What have I done? I mean, the zoo was fun but I'm ruined! -Bye, Unky Herb. -Goodbye, Herb. Because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. Maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life. Maybe I'd have been better off? Maybe? You sponge-head, of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! Maybe he said that to make conversation. His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson. I'm here! Where's that millionaire chip off the old block I call sonny? Get in, Dad. I'll explain on the way home. I knew you'd blow it! -Dad? -What is it, boy? I thought your car was cool. Thanks, boy. I was waiting for someone to say that.