Chapter 23: Yours Truly, Hurt...
~●Alleisa's Point Of View●~
As soon as I entered the computer lab, my gaze went to the most unwanted person at that time. There he was sitting and hurting me with his presence. I was startled as I saw Robin, even through my frustration I admired him. I forgot how unreal he was, how he could make ny heart skip a beat only through his name. I came back to my senses as soon as Veronica put her hand in my shoulder and reminded me that I had some other work to do. So I quickly let my distracted self to concentrate in the work I was about to do and it really helped me to ignore him. Even though various thoughts of him such as not getting the identity card atleast once to check it or look at him carefully because it's been days since I last saw him. It's almost painful to remember him roaming around with yet another girl in Veronica's neighborhood. And I still hope that something might bloom into us. I'm so naive. I could still feel my heart fluttering as he was around. I could barely concentrate in my work. But once he was out I felt so relieved and I was able to complete the work I had. After I handed over the paper to Van and Veronica and made sure they left I hurried back home. On my way to home in bus, I kept struggling in thoughts of guilt and love at the same time. Am I letting my stupidity make me oblivious to my responsibilities? I know my hormones are all crazy and all but will it be worth it to lose myself? The anger upon on myself took over and I decided to go on a hunger strike. As soon as I went home, I told my Mum that I wasn't well and will not eat. And then I enclosed myself in my room. I turned off all the lights, closed down all the windows, turned down the shutters and pulled in the curtains. Under the premises of the four walls of my room, I might feel claustrophobic but that claustrophobia might help me to suppress my pain. I felt relieved in suppressing pain with pain, as a saying goes a needle has to be picked up by another needle. I fell down on my knees and started crying my pain out, I couldn't let my myself feel anything but guilt. Guilt of liking someone who can never be mine, of loving someone I cannot confess to, of hurting my loved ones of my selfishness, and lastly losing myself to my heart. I wanted to bang my head in the door continuously until I pass out of bleeding, I wanted to rip all the papers around me,the anger inside me to harm myself was growing. I couldn't control myself but started scratching myself, suffocated my breathing and when all of this wasn't helping anymore, I started crying out loud. I needed help from myself, cause I can be the death of me. Out of tiredness, I passed out on the floor. And the last thing I remember was the surroundings fading into darkness.
~●Van's Point Of View●~
As I returned home from school, I freshened up, had lunch and went upstairs to my room. Usually it was not until my dad returns home that I would be interrupted and called downstairs. So I have a lot of free time. On most days, I spend this time sleeping and studying away, but today things were running in my head. I was trying link a chain of events that happened one after another and coincidentally they all are related to Alleisa. Since the night I met her I have observed that most of the time she remains absorbed in thinking stuff. And it feels like from her expressions she cherishes those thoughts. But what are her thoughts about? On my first day to school, she hurried in the lunch time, I assume she was looking for someone. Then yet another day I see her peeking in the infirmary and while returning she was crying, then on the day that the two boys had fought she ran away to the ground crying and today she freaked out after seeing that boy. And as of knowledge two of those incidents that I know of involve that guy on the computer lab today. I knew his name but at that moment it was not coming out from my tongue. After much thinking, I remembered it, his name, it was Robin, right, Robin Brown. Yeah I remember people talking about him and I guess he's a year senior than us too. All of this things were overcrowding my mind. I sat on my desk and tilted back and forth continuously with my chair. The thought in the back of my mind aroused again, what if it occurs that Alleisa really likes him? This question became my insecurity. It questioned my trust,beliefs, understanding everything. Was I the oblivious one all along? Is this why she was uncomfortable about me being around? Maybe she did not want me to know about it and thus hesitated to open up. Suddenly all my thoughts became one and all the mysteries started to unravel. I have cracked the equation, Alleisa likes Robin. But seeing Robin it does not feel so, to what I've seen Robin roams around with new girl pretty much every other day. And if he really is in a relationship with Alleisa, why don't they meet up or why does Alleisa freak out so much seeing him. Or is it that Robin even doesn't know that Alleisa likes him? Is he also in the same page with me? As the introverted Alleisa I know, she might have not confessed Robin. But why? If she really likes him, why not give it a go? However, the more I think about her fondness about Robin, the more I feel sad. It's been the same since the time I suspected of her having someone in her life. I feel hurt and maybe a tad bit jealous too. Like she is a wonderful girl and she deserves the best, this is what I had realised since our first encounter. But somehow the feeling of someone else possessing her makes me feel out of my nerves, who was I to feel that, I barely know her for a few months. But somewhere between these months, I've got to know her bit by bit. I've seen her happy, sad, crying and impatient too. I could feel the pain through her words and my urge to help her to get through things doesn't diminish. I've never been truthful to my feelings but today, I frankly feel something different. I feel jealous about someone who isn't mine, I want to take care and make someone happy whose smile doesn't belong to me and I want wipe someone's tears whose tears don't belong to me. Through the course of these weeks, the pain that I suffered from not seeing her and the endless worrying about her health by me had made me realise one thing, the relationship between me and Alleisa had gone past friendship for me.
"I like her, yes I do like Alleisa Franklin", I muttered out.
This the first time that my heart feels better after saying it out. It feels like I was not being truthful to my feelings all along, but today I'm. I don't know since when it happened to be this way but that one day when I was talking to Alleisa about liking someone, I was talking about her. Don't get me wrong, I was talking in admiration of her as a person, but not in a romantic manner. But today I genuinely feel different about her, the day she cried in my chest, I could smell her floral scented shampoo from her hair, I could sense the very familiar Alleisa odour and mostly I had felt the warmth of her body. Everything about her was just fascinating to me, I was getting genuinely obsessed with her. I always want to be around her, just beholding her as a silent admirer. Come to think about it, I've admired her since the day we met, I admired the way she talked so fond of the moon, I like how sulky and nervous she is all the time, I like her wise words and her determination, I like the whole being of her. I like her to the moon and back. Alas, I'm just a third wheel in her life. My prominence is no more than that of one wheel out of the many wheels of a train. I'm more like the fork to her soup, I'm there, but of no use. The feeling of hurting her by being the third wheel hurts me. I know I can't help it but I have to for her happiness. Maybe I'll always remain the silent well wisher who she will never know. But with happiness comes pain too. Maybe with the emergence of the feeling of liking her, there comes the feeling of destitution from someone you like. They say love is about facing your worst fears, but here I'm stuck in the middle of a half-way split bamboo. The more that I think of it I feel worse and worse, I want to despise myself for feeling this way. I never deserve Alleisa. She deserves to be happy with someone she likes. The only thing I can do is to adore and admire her but that too silently. Though I want her to be happy, underneath my skin I feel the angst burning through me, I can feel jealousy, I feel hurt and mostly I feel lonely. Amongst the crowd of so many souls, why do I feel the solitude of love?
~●Alleisa's Point Of View●~
I fluttered my eyes as I found it hard to completely open them. I wondered where was I and then I realised I was on the floor. I slowly got up and went near the window to see it was night time. I checked the time, it was around 2 A.M. at night. I guess Mum would have knocked me to call me for dinner, when she got no reply I assume she had understood I had a bad day. Anyways I had lost my appetite. I sat near the window and looked up at the sky, today was a new moon night, which means the sky was dark. I placed my one hand over the the other and lay my head in my hands at the window sill. I was thinking how I was almost leading myself to self harm. I feel anxious but I cannot help it unless I can build strong resistance. The soft and cool breeze of night was helping me to mellow down my feelings. It felt gentle and healing. I wish I had never existed and caused all this troubles to myself and others. I do not deserve him. A girl like me can only live in my own isolated world, wherein only my thoughts and me exist. Because I cannot own someone's mind, feelings and thoughts. Under this same sky, I feel that isolation is my best medicine and that I deserve no one of my selfishness. I slowly got up and laid down on my bed, I felt weak. As I slowly migrated into deep slumber, a thought emerged in my mind. Maybe I was trying to grow a flower in a graveyard that cannot bloom and in a dream that can never come true.
~●End Of Alleisa's Point Of View●~
The night was excruciating for both individuals, as they were facing their own hardships about feelings and relationships. Under the night sky, two souls were hurting out of emotions they cannot control. Their souls were bleeding pain and anxiety, if their feelings are not mutual to begin with, will they ever reach their destination? What is it about their dedication that it hurts them so much? With no valid answers their souls were lost in the tyranny of feelings and pain.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
unseen_legend
unseen_legend It's an early update as I had already edited the chapter. And I'm back with the regular schedule and I would like to announce that from now onwards "When the rivers don't meet to form a sea" will have one update every week between Saturday to Monday.
Thanking You,
Unseen_Legend
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