Chapter 1: To Me, From Me
Death. This is the end of every living being, an obligatory passage. An unchangeable fate. And this is probably one of the biggest fears humanity has felt uniformly since the beginning of society. Even me, who thought little of death, feared it.
I feared death a little before. Since I had to imagine myself no longer thinking. I did not have to think about anything anymore, that's what characterizes death. Thinking about "something", no matter how weird it is, is not that difficult at the end to materialize something in your mind, but thinking about nothing is fundamentally impossible.
I feared that, an impossible outcome that I could not think of. In the same time, I was attracted by death. The unknown always attracted me, and death was the unknown. It was also a source of liberty. Being able to free myself from my past was the greatest pleasure I could think of.
So death was what I feared because I couldn't think beyond that, but also because I would be unable to think, was what made me attracted to it. Yeah, I'm contradictory.
But right now, I'm lying on the ground, bathed in my own blood. It's dark and cold, I can't move but at least, I can see the stars.
My injury are bit too sever this time, I won't make it. What a beautiful night. But what a pathetic death I am suffering. Alone in the dark, without someone to assist me in my last breath. No friends or family anymore. It's a proper death for someone like me.
I don't deserve to be liked or loved during my last breath. I don't deserve someone to cry for me. I just deserve to die alone, crying in my own blood and agony. The fact that I was gonna die wasn't that hard to swallow, but the pain, the darkness and the loneliness made me frightened of death.
Something that can be felt only by living it. Damn, it's horrible.
At a certain point, I stopped crying. I was too tired to cry anymore, but I felt something that I didn't expected, happiness.
All of my worries, my sadness, my story, everything that made what I am today would be irrelevant in front of death. Knowing that I could escape from my past, made me forget everything that I feared about death.
You might be thinking that my story is a tragic one from what you're hearing, but believe me it's more of a comedy than anything else.
If your life was a repetition of sadness, losses and tragedy, at some point even you would be thinking "what a fucking joke of a life I'm living". Repeat grievance again and again, and it won't be tragedy no, it will be pure comedy, and "comedy" is a word that could depict perfectly my whole life.
A pretty damn comedy yeah, a funny one, one that may makes the Joker even laugh, sadly there's no one apart from myself to tell my story, how comical.
... Now, I can't hear anything. I could hear before the wind rubbing in my ears, and the noises coming from my car, but now, I can't hear anything. Ah, and I can't feel my own wound anymore.
In fact, I can't feel any part of my body. I can only see what is in front of me, the stars. Hmm, not bad at all.
I wonder what I will become after my death. Will I truly stop thinking for eternity ? If heaven and hell exist, I wonder at which point hell is terrifying. I won't have a chance to go to heaven with what I've done in my life, and probably not the purgatory either, so hell seems to be the only place possible.
But knowing how many religions there is in this world, and the many variations of heaven and hell each of it has, it became meaningless to think where I will be going and how it's gonna be.
After all, I could also think about the heaven of the vikings, Valhalla or the legendary Olympus for the Greeks. Right now, peoples are laughing at the absurdity of those beliefs, but maybe in a few hundred or thousands years, our current beliefs will be meaningless too.
What am I thinking ? I'm agnostic... I think ? So why am I thinking about something I don't give a crap about ? Yeah, I do feel interested by those subjects, but only on a sociological and psychological point, not beyond that.
I thought I could better understand humans and their ways of thinking if I studied theirs oldest beliefs. Well, I was able to understand them better, but it has also raised his lot of question, like in science, when a question is answered, ten more are raised.
If I had not succumbed to my desires, I could have lived a proper life. I could have a caring wife, trues friends that I could relies on, kids that would've called me "daddy" with care and love, and finally dying in peace with my family beside me, and a smile on my face.
Don't blame me for what I've become, blame my parent and the society for that. I thought that if I became the strongest, I could live a proper life. Everything that I sought would automatically add up in my life if I was strong enough. Even now, I still think it wasn't unreasonable to think like that, but the process behind that outcome is beyond the capacity of every men. How naive I was. I could become one the strongest, but not the strongest.
Ah, I should stop thinking about that. Thinking about my own naivety annoys me... Now that I think about it, where is my dear companion ? He's the source of my nightmares, but also my oldest "friend". Well, at least, even though I hated him, I know he can't betray me at least, unlike the others... Whatever, I don't care anymore.
I can't see now, how great. There is still a few seconds before my official death I think. I feel sleepy. If god exist, I hope he can answer a few of my questions, or I will show him how beautiful my middle finger is... Yeah, maybe not that, I don't want to suffer for eternity for such a thing, haha. Thinking about the fact that I'm not going to think anymore make me happy, that's odd.
... I'm dead now I guess. I can't hear something beside myself, nor can I see, sense or move.
How weird, I couldn't see something but now, I can see a light above me. It doesn't seems to be a star. What the is going on ? I can feel my feel my arms and legs, but it's hurt ! I can hear but very badly.
Heaven or hell, I don't care but please, at least show me a more satisfying outcome thab this life.
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