6/29/2020
Dear diary
The dream return again, a longing dream of a past that will never come again. Oh how desperately do I wanted that feeling once more, I wonder in this world "She" exist and if "She" does then would this mean that I could once more have the love I so desire?
This time the dream had a bit of an fantasy element to it but regardless for a time within that dream, I once more felt the desire for love. Anticipation of love, giving of love, delirious love, lusty love, wandering love, obsessive love and hatred of love. The torrent of emotions bomabard upon me with pause nor rest, and in that moment I forgot the pain, the agony of love.
In the dream, I dreamed that I was a human in a kingdom of giants, the giant king adopted a daughter of the human descent and I was her friend. For a time, my stay at the kingdom of giant was well received, everyone was nice and I help them in certain tasks that they were too cumbersome to do. The giants height make certain tasks and work rather hard due to the size of the tasks. I even help made some lotion for the women's skin, I know right? So totally isekai cliché. The sisters took to me well, one of them show unrestrained familiarity with me, she was a tomboy I think. The familiarity was to the point of inviting me to sleep alongside her in a tent. In the dream, time is not restrain by reality, so seconds become days, and minutes become weeks, over time our friendship grew into a love of sort.
She and I would fondle each other beneath the blanket in the castle garden as the star shine above, we enjoy intimacy cuddling, feeding each other. Her name was Bebi, and I was so in love with her. Naturally, to marry a king's daughter even though adopted, certain ranks and some dowry are required.
Fortunately, due to my helpfulness and certain products, I attain a rank of Count in the giant king's court. In my dreamed I married the girl I love, we had endless intimacy, all day and everyday. Alas, love is cruel, love is an illusion, the past is past and it can never return because I woke up.
Today, never have I felt so strongly the desire to return to the US sooner than later to confirm my hypothesis that "She" exist in this reality, and maybe, just maybe I can finally attain that which I have lost in the other reality. Alas, the flight quarantine is still in effect, and there are no flight ticket back to the States, so.....once again I must wait.
Today, I've decided to test my attractiveness in this reality once more. In the other reality, if someone like me walk down on the street, nobody would give a fuck about, the most they would do is probably say hi. Yet in this reality that I am in, my route are generally met with someone pointing and taking picture, and the ones that does it were always girls. Am I really that handsome? Is it possibly one of those world where ugly is handsome and vice versa? No.....surely not!
Because if ugly is handsome, then why do all these billboard model has muscular body and somewhat handsome face? I must be getting paranoid....yes, that must be it!
I decided to go a cafe today and the reaction I received from the female customers was interesting. Naturally, I sweat as I am not a regular to the temperature and weather of Vietnam. I sweat so much that my shirt would stick to my body, and interestingly this is somehow akin to a girl not wearing a bra, because the female customers would take a glance here and there, checking me out. To be absolutely honest, this is a new feeling, not a really bad one but somehow I can feel as though I can related to the monkeys in the zoo that get watched by human visitors.
Having enough of the attention, and the fact that nobody seem to be interested in a coversation with me or something I decided to leave and headed to a nearby bookstore. There are few public libraries in Vietnam, but they require certain membership to enter, unlike library in the States where one can simply go in to read or browse the contents without needing membership, although one would need a library card for the borrowing of contents and usage of the computer. So, most people just go to bookstore and read from the books there. As with some bookstores, there would be a section where adult magazines are available, and one can sometimes see guys hanging around there to browse through the adult content. Unfortunately of course, this bookstores I went to did not have such section. So I decided to go to a different place, one that I had have an of experience of going to, a long long time ago, a sex toy shop!
Ordering an Uber like service known as Grab, I decided on my destination and arrived at an address near the sex toy shop. As I open the door, it was a refreshing feeling of the cool air conditioning compare to that of the blinding heat outside. Unfortunately, I was Not Prepare! If there is a heaven, then there must be hell because I was greeted with a sight of LGBT atmosphere, posters of barely dressed muscular men in speedos and mosaics private parts adorn the walls of the shop. One posters had a guy in a glitter pink shiny speedos, wearing a pair of bunny ear. Rows of dildos and sex toy for women lean against the walls, and there were two, maybe four different women who loitering around browsing through the merchandise.
Oh God! My eyes! THEY ARE BURNING!!!
However that wasn't yet the worse part. As I make my way in, everyone was looking at me, including this one lady behind the counter, it was as if time was frozen and I'm an exotic creature that never been seen before.
In the end, I never did went and talk to the other customers, there was just something unnerving about this whole thing, the way they look at me, the way they glancing spying at me giving me an image of a dog staring heavily at a piece of steak just quite literally turn me off. I went bought some condom and left the store and on the way home I buy myself a small vanilla cream cake.
Well.....at least it's not a total loss today :D
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