Chapter 2: I'll Name You Poodleface
Deadpool, as comical as he was, became quite serious as he evaluated the memories of this new world. But before he could hatch any grand plans on to fuck this world apart altogether, dinner was sent to him by his servants.
"Ah, food. That's lovely," Deadpool smiled to himself as he shoo'd away the servants who were staring at his horrid face.
As he began to dig in, he felt that it tastes... weird.
"Man, if Gordon Ramsey were here, he'd hang those cooks off the kitchen ceiling. Perhaps I should try that."
It tasted horrible. Like if someone placed a bucket of vomit and a teaspoon of sugar in a large cooking spot. That's what he was eating.
Going back to the grand plans of dominating the world, he apparently had no other information about this world aside from messing around with his siblings.
"Man, this Roland guy sure is stupid. He has no informational knowledge at all..." Deadpool scratched his chin as he began to ponder over what to do next. Shaking his head, he tried his best to fall asleep while replaying scenes of his siblings beating the shit out of him.
Well, rest is important, even for the mighty Deadpool.
Waking up several hours later, he was greeted by Barov who was waiting restlessly in the drawing room (is that a room where one draws at?). The moment Deadpool appeared, he immediately turned towards him and asked, "Your Highness, are you feeling ill? You've been quite strange lately. Why didn't you order the execution yesterday?"
"Hey... relax, Sir Christopher Lee. I'm alright. One day earlier or one day later, what's the difference?" Deadpool slapped his own ass to order the servants to bring breakfast in. "Come, sit. We need to talk."
As Barov waddled to sit, Deadpool turned to the readers and said, "Unlike Roland, I know that witches are real evil. In fact, I have met one before. She goes by the name of Hillary Clinton."
"Your Highness, one day may affect whether or not other witches will appear! This is not a trivial matter and you must not act recklessly!" Barov cautioned with two exclamation marks in the original Chapter 2 but I reduced it to one because I need to be grammatically correct.
"Why are you saying this?" Deadpool frowned. "You know that the Church spreads propaganda, right? Evil witches, green witches, nasty witches. All are the same to me. I think we should just mind our own business."
Barov was shocked, "But... witches are really..."
Deadpool turned to look at the readers again and said, "I think I'll stop right here and take another road. This Roland guy is too dumb for me to continue emulating. Forget the fact that you somehow ended up in medieval 'Europe', but not believing in witches and gods and all that when your previous world had them? You are st- wait what? Oh, he came from a normal Earth? Where magic, Gandalf and comic book heroes like yours truly are just works of fiction?"
Fuck.
This will make writing this fan-fiction slightly harder.
And thus, Deadpool and Barov began discussing animatedly about the church, the Holy Mountain Dew and the Bitch Cooperation Association over breakfast.
Hmm... something doesn't sound right in that paragraph. Let me try again.
And thus, Deadpool and Barov began discussing animatedly about the church, the Holy Mountain and the Witch Cooperation Association over breakfast.
Perfect.
After Roland ate the last piece of fried egg from his breakfast, he took a white napkin and wiped his mouth before saying, "You're telling me that the Witch Cooperation Association will rescue the witch when they know she wasn't executed?"
And several paragraphs of filler were spent discussing how the witch in rags was spent and how Roland still did not believe it. Man, this guy is hard to please.
"Take me to see her," Deadpool said in a determined tone after Barov told him about the witch being capable of melting people.
Deadpool had personally known several people who were capable of doing what Barov said this witch could do. That includes Acidroid from Earth-616, Scorpion from Earth-1610, Hendrickson from Nanatsu no Taizai, and that one alien from Men in Black.
Deadpool was about to fall back to being Roland and had almost asked Barov why witches were sent to the gallows instead of being burned alive. Then he realized how much of a stupid question that is and remembered a fact from Harry Potter, "Wendelin the Weird was a witch who lived in the Middle Ages. She allowed herself to be caught forty-seven times in various disguises by witch-hunters, who tried to burn her at the stake. With the use of a Flame-Freezing Charm, however, the flames were rendered harmless, creating only a gentle tickling sensation which Wendelin enjoyed."
Ah, that must be why.
He was then brought to the only dungeon in Border Town (Deadpool was thinking of renaming it to Borderlands). In addition to Barov, the prince was followed into the dungeon by the Chief Knight, the prison warden, the castellan and two guards.
Studying the dingy place as they went down deeper and deeper, Deadpool noticed a thick stench in the air, "Man, you guys need better ventilation in this place. It smells like Logan's ass."
"Your Highness, you're risking too much by doing this. Even though she's sealed with God's Locket of Retribution, it isn't completely safe," said Carter Lannis, the Chief Knight.
"Your Lowness, keep your opinions to yourself. As Roland once said in Chapter 3, 'If you don't even dare to look evil in the eye... courage something something' Huh what did he say, I forgot."
"Before fighting evil, one must know one's strength. Reckless behavior is not courageous!" Carter rebutted, knowing what Deadpool had intended to say.
"Zip it, Carter Lannister, go fuck a twin sister or something if you're afraid to see a little girl," Deadpool challenged. "Man, you're a pussy."
Although the Chief Knight was talkative, he was not proficient in debate, and thus was helpless against a smooth criminal like Deadpool aka Wade Wilson aka the most handsome man alive. Soon, the party reached the bottom floor of the dungeon.
It was late autumn and the temperature, especially in the dungeon, was especially unbearable.
"This place reminds me of Antarctica."
Deadpool was wearing a fur coat with silk lining inside, at the insistence of his servants. He would've felt alright even if he didn't.
The girl curled up at the corner of the cell in front of him, however, did not feel alright. She wore a thin garment that did not even cover her entire body and she was seen shivering.
The suddenly lit up torches made her turn away and close her eyes. But soon, she was able to open her eyes and looked straight at the party.
Deadpool's eyes dilated as he began studying this girl, not offering any jibes at all.
He felt something within her... something he only felt from mutants before.
The girl got up to her feet after a couple of tries and cutely hobbled her way towards the light.
This was enough to make most of the party members gasp in horror and take two steps backwards. Only the Chief Knight held his ground and shielded the prince, but they backed off after being told off by Deadpool.
"What's your name?" Roland asked the girl.
"Anna," she replied.
Studying her face, he reached his hand out before moving her head about. She did not resist and allowed him to play around with her head as he pleased.
"Good. You're pretty cute. I'll name you Poodleface."
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smugscholar This is getting more and more ridiculous. Can we get Despacito 5 in the comments please? P.S. This won't be stable release until the competition date has been announced etc. Check out my other novel if you're looking for something more serious and good to read.
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