/ Urban / (Hiatus) Plot Armor Obtain!
Synopsis
Cristian attending his third year of Computer Science course. Suddenly, a blue screen popped up, granting people access to the Akashi record and allowing everyone to obtain incredible powers that have once just exist in the legends. The world as he knows it has succumbed to chaos, as the governments have collapse ushering in the new age of Qi Cultivators, Psychics, Demi-Gods, Dragon Kings and many more abilities from the legends and stories. Follow Cristian as he paves the road to his legend, as he uses kinda op abilities to cause even more chaos, get babes and finally RULE THE WORLD.....as a part-time overlord
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Well, where to start. The story holds potential, but there are far too many ideas being crammed inside. Grammar for Chapter 1 was pretty readable - sentences weren't too long and even punctuations weren't too much off. But that made a nosedive soon after… Sentences became too long with no end in sight, spanning over far too many lines. Paragraphs became too long, probably due to sentences being too long themselves in the first place. Luckily this ended with chapter 20, where situation stabilized again. More on grammar on the comment below this review. At the beginning, he has a luck of 4, yet all the items he receives from the lottery are OP. You should at least make him obtain the Plot Armor first, which would warrant such a thing (because happening once might be just a lucky break, but happening 4-5 times out of 5 times is too unrealistic for such a low luck). But it would work once his Plot Armor is equipped, which raises his luck to 800. Em & Annie. Their current personalities are OK for now, but their backstory is rushed and forced, coupled with broken grammar and confusingly written sentences only makes it worse. Annie is, in her backstory, described as a b1tch, yet then she is a shy and innocent little kitten. You should have elaborated on the changes, or should I say, her thoughts about the shock should have been exposed so we can better familiarize with them. Based on that b1tchy personality, after her change, she could have eliminated her sadistic tendencies, but she should still be more sultry/s3xy and/or s3duct1ve. It would be more compatible this way. Or as I said, her thoughts about the shock should have been elaborated. You also made Annie far too stupid during that whole scene, which is against her character. This is also the reason I said it was too forced. Em? Well, similar problems. You literary made her an airhead in the backstory, yet she hadn't even received a shock which might have cured her, the way Annie did. Hence this makes her character inconsistent, considering how level headed she is now. MC. He is described as an otaku, forever alone, and many more similar descriptions of how he is a loner. Then, from the girls' backstory, we learn he already kissed them both. Not to mention his valiant hero-saves-the-day from them both which are also something wholly incompatible with his character which you were trying to portray at the beginning. Also, you hinted on his ambiguous relationship with Annie more than once, but his relationship with Em literary came out of nowhere. Especially considering we had a first person POV from him during their first encounter in this story - when they get to the dorms to meet them after blue screens appeared. Which is another disappointment made due to lack of proper planning. All the people in the city received far too much of OP abilities at the get go, considering they are all still level 0. They could fly around the city, yet their mana is still miniscule due to being level 0. You had min-max levels for each ability at the beginning, yet somewhere along the progression they all disappear with no word about them. Well, I can't really rate stability as of yet (because QI doesn't show dates of release for each chapter individually), so you get 4 stars for that... Well, that's it from me for now. Another post about grammar incoming shortly after...
After literally obtaining plot armor, the main character now thinks he is Lin Fen from Strongest System. I am waiting for Monkey Steals Peach, hint for the author.
Hmm just for suggestion can u make it first person view all the way, change of pov too many times makes me confused sometimes. or u can just mention the name after the dialogue ends, it's more ****** and easy to understand. For the fighting scene, it's amazing and cool ^^b and u have a lot of resources anime world, not just the mainstream one(naruto, bleach, fairy tail, one-piece) to build your novel world but keep in the right track hahaha Btw I love Air Gear and Yu-gi-Oh! hahahahah ^^b
Hey there! Good day for writing! If you wanted to see whether you can get paid by distributing the current work or getting financial support by writing new work, you might want to contact rebecca.review@outlook.com. A brief introduction, some sample charpters or links will be appriciated when reaching out.
Like all good authors, I shall shamelessly give myself a 5-star review. Anyway, this novel is just a side project and I'm not expecting much and you shouldn't either lol. The updates would probably be a weekly thing or whenever I'm free. anyways thanks for readin.