Chapter 12: Of Course Not
It was late by the time Harris reached home, and it was with decidedly mixed feelings that he found Joshua sitting on his doorstep. "I wasn't sure you'd be back," Joshua said.
Harris looked him over. "You're soaking wet."
"I fell in a fountain." Joshua took a breath and stood, looking at his shoes- which were as wet as the rest of him- and said, "It's been an awful day and I just really wanted to see you." He met Harris's gaze at last, eyes stormy. "Is that okay?" Something in his voice and his posture told Harris that he half expected Harris to tell him it wasn't.
Two seconds looking at Joshua's face and everything Harris had told himself about staying away from Joshua flew out of his head. "Of course it is. Come inside."
He unlocked his door, held it open, and Joshua did exactly that.
Harris went directly upstairs and found something for Joshua to wear- pajama bottoms and an old t-shirt he hadn't even known he had- and then went back downstairs to send Joshua in the direction of the shower. "Thanks," Joshua murmured, holding the clothes in his hands and looking somehow younger than usual.
"Are your mother and sister back yet?" Harris asked.
Joshua shook his head.
"Would you- would you stay the night?" Harris wasn't sure he wanted Joshua to be alone in this mood- but more than that he had just realized that- whatever Venus meant by 'briefed' or 'this matter' or 'in due course' Harris was going to spend whatever time remained with Joshua. He was a fool to have ever tried to do anything different.
Joshua froze, and then he smiled. It was slower and smaller than most Harris had seen on him, but compared to the look he had worn just a moment ago it was like the sun coming up. He nodded so hard his head practically rattled. "Yes," he said, as if more was needed. "Yes, Harris."
Harris squeezed his shoulder. "Good. Are you hungry?"
"I could eat."
"Then I'll prepare us something while you get cleaned up."
Joshua looked appropriately horrified.
"Trust me, darling, I know my limits. It will be fine."
Joshua's smile was a little wider, a little stronger that time, and Harris left him to it. In kitchen he cut some slices of bread, found some cured meat and cheese and olives and arrayed them on a plate. It wasn't the most balanced meal in the world, but Joshua would be all right for just one evening, and since Harris had only bought the food for his benefit in the first place he supposed it was now or never.
Joshua showered for a very long time. When he finally came out and padded through the dining room, Harris turned to him with every intention of making a joke about having considered sending out a search party, but the remark died in his throat.
With his hair ruffled and his whole body relaxed, wearing Harris's pajama bottoms cuffed several times and still dragging on the floor and in Harris's likewise oversized t-shirt, Joshua looked lovely. Softer than usual, more vulnerable. But it wasn't that which most completely caught Harris's attention. It was Joshua's aura. How could Harris have possibly missed Joshua's aura turning fully purple, let alone blue from there- and that blue lightly tinged with a green that meant there was someone in his life who he could see spending the rest of it with? Whatever Venus was doing, Harris realized, it was richly deserved. He was failing Joshua in every possible way.
When Joshua fell, he clearly fell fast and hard. It was like that sometimes, of course- Romeo and Juliet turned from red all the way through to green, even yellow, in just a few days, which didn't exactly recommend it. This person meant so much to Joshua and Harris had no earthly idea who they were or if they would fully appreciate what this wonderful boy was offering, how dear it was.
Joshua caught him staring and flushed, but it looked easier, warmer than usual- as if he liked the regard. "What?" he asked, all the same.
"I just realized something," Harris whispered.
"What?" Joshua asked again.
Harris swallowed and looked down, carrying the plate to the table for something to do with his hands while he searched for a sensible response. "I didn't ask you how you ended up in the fountain." He hardly recognized his own voice.
"It was a shit day at work. When it was over, Scott and Ryan and this girl I work with, we went out, we drank. There was a dare, it was stupid, but I wasn't in a very good place. By the time you got here I was pretty much sobered up, but it wasn't a fun night for anyone."
Harris accepted the answer since Joshua clearly didn't want to go into detail. "This girl." Harris hesitated, wondering if this was the moment. "Do you see a lot of her?"
"I guess." Joshua eyes narrowed as he sat down at the table. "Is that a problem?"
"Quite the opposite," Harris said automatically, even though he was realizing that he did have a problem after all. He didn't want to do his job, he didn't want Joshua to be in love because Harris could hardly believe that- whoever they were- they would deserve him. Not that Harris deserved him, but Harris was good to him, would always be good to him, and Harris wanted to be around Joshua for as long he could- for as long as Joshua lived, were that possible.
Joshua was looking at Harris as though he was making up his mind whether or not to be annoyed with him and Harris knew he needed to explain. And yet he couldn't bring himself to tell Joshua what had suddenly become a lie, that he had been wondering if Joshua fancied someone, and hoped she was the one. So he had to tell Joshua something else, something that was truer but might still pacify him. He reached out, brushing his fingers over Joshua's cheek, and his expression softened a bit, buying Harris more time to think.
"You have a very small circle," Harris said at last. "It's your business, obviously, who you let into it. It's only that you are… wonderful." It was Harris's own fault if- in combination with his touches- it came out a little too reverent, but it at least thawed Joshua further. "And I should think that if there were more people in your life who could see that, it would be easier for you to see it in yourself. That's all I meant."
Joshua's eyes looked worryingly glossy for a moment. He put his hand over Harris's hand and then turned his head, kissing Harris's palm. "Okay," he said. "Okay."
Harris withdrew his hand to let Joshua eat, and helped himself to a little as well.
The silence that followed was more comfortable than Harris had feared but more awkward than it could have been. Especially because, as Joshua finished his meal, he kept giving Harris these odd looks, as if he expected Harris to say or do something more than he had, and Harris had no earthly idea what Joshua thought he ought to do or say.
He washed the dishes after Joshua was finished eating. Joshua helped, and then continued to hang awkwardly at Harris's side as if he was still waiting for something. "You seem tired," Harris remarked at last.
"I guess I am."
"Go on then," Harris said, resting a hand on his arm. "I'll see you in the morning."
Joshua blinked and then pulled the strangest face, half annoyed and half charmed. He opened his mouth, hesitated briefly, and then sighed. "Yeah, all right," he finally said. He made his way upstairs without looking back.
Harris followed not long after. The guest room door was closed and Harris could hear pacing from inside. Harris thought about knocking, about speaking to Joshua, but he no idea what he would say, so he went to his own room instead. He changed into his pajamas and settled into his bed with the book Joshua had convinced him to start reading. He didn't much care for it, but he had every intention of giving it a fair shot. He'd barely gotten into it when he heard a light knock on his door. "Yes?" he asked. The door opened and Joshua hesitantly poked his head inside. "Come in," Harris said.
Joshua did so. He bit his lip and then smiled softly, shyly, and crossed to Harris, perching on the side of the bed right next to him. "You been so nice to me," he said quietly. He took the book out of the Harris's hands gently and set it on the bedside table. Then he ghosted his fingertips across Harris's face, leaning close. "But it's possible to be too nice." His lips pressed up against Harris's, warm and light.
It took Harris a moment to even realize that he was being kissed, and when he did his first thought was, 'Do I really not even remember what it feels like to be kissed?' His hand found Joshua's shoulder and held it. He didn't pull Joshua closer, but- damningly- he didn't push him away either. Why wasn't he pushing him away?
Joshua drew back finally, but he didn't go far. "C'mon, Harris," he murmured. "Please." His hands still cradled Harris's face, his thumbs brushing over his cheekbones.
"Joshua," Harris finally managed to choke out. "You can't- you can't think that just because I'm… kind to you that I expect-"
Joshua rolled his eyes. "Harris, that you don't expect me to just fall into bed with you is the single most obvious thing in the world at this point. But six months of dating is a long damn time to wait." He pulled himself onto the bed gracefully, straddling Harris's hips, and pressed his mouth to Harris's jaw. "I'm tired of waiting for you to kiss me." He kissed Harris's temple. "I'm tired of waiting for you to take me." He kissed Harris's lips, lingeringly. "Please."
Harris was paralyzed- by how warm and perfect Joshua felt on top of him and against him, by the horrible clarity that was suddenly cast all over everything that had confused him about Joshua's behavior when he looked at it over again thinking that Joshua thought Harris wanted him. That when he had said, 'I'd like to see more of you' and Joshua had agreed, he had thought that it meant they were dating. Harris sucked in a breath and made himself move, tightening his grip on Joshua's shoulder and pushing him back. "Don't-"
When he had first kissed Harris, Joshua had looked shy, certainly, but not genuinely unsure of his welcome. Anxiety was finally creeping in behind his eyes. "You keep saying you don't care about what I used to do. But unless I done something that made you not want me no more, I don't get why you keep walking away."
"You've misunderstood," Harris said, and regretted it immediately. The misunderstanding was Harris's fault, not Joshua's. How many times had he thought they could have been mistaken for lovers? By the girl at the coffee shop, by strangers the time Joshua had shared that cupcake with him, by Ethan Morton? Hadn't he known how odd it looked, a man of his age paying so much attention to someone like Joshua? Buying him things? Taking to him to a wedding, for fuck's sake?
'It's possible to be too nice.' Christ.
"I'm so terribly sorry, Joshua. I was aware, I suppose, of how it looked, but I swear on everything holy that I never thought for one second that you might think I was interested in anything other than your friendship."
Throughout this speech Joshua had been drawing away, physically and emotionally. By the end of it he was seated on the side of the bed, face eerily blank.
"And I never was," Harris finished.
That got a reaction. Joshua's face contorted, crumbled. Harris might not have been able to remember much of his life as a man, but he knew that he had never made anyone look quite that unhappy since that time, and he doubted he could possibly have done so during it. Joshua clapped a hand over his mouth and held it there for a beat, then two, as a soft whining sound came out of his mouth and was muffled. When he finally lowered his hand his expression was almost clear again. "Of course not," he said softly, as if uttering a realization aloud as it came to him. His face contorted again. "Of course not." He sounded like he was angry at himself rather than at Harris, which was so horribly wrong.
It was automatic, after everything. Harris reached for him. Joshua flinched away- of course he did, what did Harris expect?- and stood quickly, fairly running out of the room. Harris wasn't genuinely worried yet, but that was probably because he wasn't thinking very clearly. It was a few moments later, when he heard a step on the stair and the outer door open and shut, that he realized how very wrong things had gone so quickly- and how much worse they might still get.
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