章節 29: SCARED AS HELL
Zarah Fable
As I get closer to my due date I can't help but feel scared and nervous. Gizelle has told me that I will be ok and that my body will know what to do when it's time and all I will have to do is listen to it. None of that makes me feel any better. James has been trying hard to comfort me but I just keep pushing him away. For years since we first met I have dreamed about getting married to him and having his kids but I never thought this would happen so early nor did I even think that this was going to be possible. At 34 weeks pregnant I feel like a whale as well. I can barely stand on my feet for long periods of time but when I have to I tough it out. I turn my head as I hear a knock on the door. James is at work this morning and I told him that I would talk to his mom about how I'm feeling with the baby coming soon.
"Hey come on in!" I say as I open the front door.
"Thanks, sorry for keeping you waiting but I had some cases to close up quickly before coming over." She says as she comes in.
"Please sit down and make yourself at home. I will get some coffee for you and non caffeinated tea for me from the kitchen."
"Well it is ok to have one cup a day."
"Yeah, I know but I already drank one this morning because I was completely drained."
I grab everything from the kitchen and come around the corner to sit down on the couch next to Dani.
"So, how are you feeling with the due date getting closer?"
"Uhh a lot of things at once. Scared, nervous, excited."
"I get that. I felt all of the same things when I was first pregnant."
"Yeah, with James right? I can't imagine going through labor and I'm getting closer to having to do that."
"Actually, not with James. With Bruno."
"Bruno? But I thought James was your first and oldest."
"Well you are half right. James is my oldest living but not my first. I never told James or Kiara because I thought that they would freak out."
"What happened to him?"
"Well," Dani sets her coffee cup down on the table and then proceeds to turn her whole body to face me. "I was young and so was Mike. James' and Kiki's father. We were active to say the least but I always thought that he was using protection because I told him that I was not going on birth control. So you can imagine the surprise on my face and the two lines popped up on the little window. The pregnancy seemed normal until on appointment when the baby didn't seem to be moving. Later one the doctor said that the baby was moving just so slowly that it didn't seem like it at first. TIme passed and at about 7 and ½ months pregnant I started having contractions. I decided to labor at home for a while thinking that it was nothing and that they would stop. But they didn't and eventually my water broke. Mike rushed me to the ER and I was so scared and nervous. I did everything right. Went to the hospital, went through labor, pushed the baby out, but when he came out, he wasn't breathing. The doctors took him away and wouldn't give me any information until… until they came to my room and told me that my baby died."
Dani's voice broke slightly as she spoke. If something like this happened to her then what to stop this from happening to me. My head begins to spiral of all the bad things that could happen to the baby after they are born. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up at Dani's face.
"What happened to me won't happen to you."
"But how do you know that? H-how do you know that the baby will be safe? And the pain of labor and pushing. It's just so much to think about. And then I'm being told that I can take an epidural to stop the pain but I have heard way too many horror stories about them not working or.."
"OK, take a minute and breathe."
I take a deep breath and try to calm my mind down.
"You're right, labor is scary. And I don't know what's going to happen. But what I do know, is that I will be with you the entire time. From beginning to end. So that if you need me, I will be right there. You are not alone. And I know exactly how you feel. And as a mother of two kids. It's completely normal."
I begin to cry. That's what I needed to hear. That is normal. Normal to be scared and nervous. Ok to not be sure of how I want to handle everything just yet. I needed to know that there was someone else that understood and could be there. Dani hugs me and squeezes me a bit and I begin to calm down.
"Thank you." I say through the broken tears.
"Anytime sweetie." she coos as she puts her hand on my face.
"Just do me a favor and don't tell James about Bruno."
"I won't. Promise. James isn't supposed to be home until later. Do you want to stay for a while? I really don't want to be left alone if that's ok with you."
"Of course."
Dani releases me and smiles at me. I smile as well.
Dani stayed for a while until she got a call from work about new cases coming in. I've just been at home waiting for James to get home. He is supposed to get off of work at 5 and it only takes him about 10 minutes to get home. It's now 6:00, where is he? I hear the front door unlock and I look back from the couch.
"Hey babe, I'm home!"
"Yeah I can see that."
James puts his bag down and then puts the keys in the tray by the front door. He takes off his coat and hangs it up on the hooks by the front door. He walked over to me from behind the couch.
"Hey, is something wrong?"
"Something wrong… Oh I don't know maybe the fact that I'm about 7 months pregnant with your child, tired because I cleaned up our bedroom today from all of the snack trash you left and then you go to work and don't get home until 6:00 at night when you get off at 5. So want to explain where you have been?"
"I had to go across town to grab something."
"Something that was more important than coming home one time and making dinner like you said you would since I have been doing it the rest of the week?"
James shifts his weight back and forth on his feet.
"What are you not telling me?" I ask him as I stand up from the couch and step closer to him. James looks in his pocket and pulls out a small box and hands it to me.
"What is this?"
"What I went to go get." I start to open up the box. "I know that you have been going through a lot lately with the baby's due date getting closer and moving into this place. I wanted to get something nice for you."
I look up at him and back down at the open box in my hand. It's a small charm on the beginning of a bracelet.
"I figured that this could be the start of our life together. The first charm that you have now is a house and baby."
I start to tear up. I feel like such a cry baby with the amount that I have been crying lately.
"You got this for me? Even though you already got me something?"
"I just want to make every moment special. I feel like this is all my fault. Like I took advantage of you and…"
"You didn't take advantage of me. Even though I had a few drinks, I still could have said no, just as much as you could have."
I set the box down on the back of the couch and wrap my arms around James' neck.
"I love you James Danvers"
I look him directly in the eye. He wraps his arms around my waist and does the same.
"I love you too, Zarah Fable."
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