章節 28: On the Road: The Tale of Two Men Who Fought Over a Girl
Rainfall sent the fragrance of flowers wafting through the forest. The grass and trees glittered in the sunlight filtering down through the canopy. A lovely girl flew by, riding a broom down the sole path to her destination.
Upon her breast was a star-shaped brooch. From her pointy hat, which she diligently kept in place with one hand as she flew, to the black robe covering her body, she looked every bit a witch. Just who could she be?
That's right. She's me.
I was flying along on my broom, headed for the country closest to the one I had left a few days ago—the one divided between Eastern and Western cultures. From what I had heard, the country ahead was very, very plain. Just an ordinary place full of people who were ever so slightly more muscular than average. Exactly what is normal
about that is another question.
Well, if they're anything like a certain individual I met some time ago whose muscles have replaced his brain, I suppose they might live quite happily, but…I'll probably only spend one day there and then leave.
Such thoughts wandered through my mind as I gazed at the scenery speeding past.
To put it bluntly, I had nothing to do. That's why my ears perked up when I heard some distant noise in the still forest.
"All right, let's go over the rules one more time. The two of us are going to make one lap around the forest path, and first person back to this spot gets to be her boyfriend. Is that right?"
"Y-yeah. No problems here."
"…No cheating, right?"
"N-naturally. I w-would never do something like that."
"…I wonder…"
One man had a lively, energetic voice, while the other sounded heavy and muffled. Sounds like they're having a race. Sounds interesting, I thought, when there came another voice.
"Huh? You mean I have to wait here all by myself? That sounds boooring!"
The sugary-sweet voice of a young woman echoed clearly through the air, catching me by surprise. My focus shifted from my own thoughts back to the outside world, and I was surprised again when I found myself making eye contact with her.
"Well, today's my lucky day!" mumbled the cute girl with black hair.
…Ugh.
It felt wrong to fly on past after making eye contact, so I slowed down. Unfortunately, that was my first mistake. As I pulled up closer to the black-haired girl, she grabbed me and pulled me down off my broom.
"Kyah! So cute! Oh, that brooch is something only witches have, right? Wow! That means you're a witch, right?"
"Um, yes…"
"Amazing! You're so cute but you're a witch, too?! That's so cool!"
"Uh, thanks…"
"So you can do magic, right? I mean, you were just flying on a broom! Wow!"
"Sure, yeah…"
"By the way, do you have a moment, like, right now?"
"No, um…"
"Yippee! Now I have somebody to wait with!"
"Um…" Just a second! Listen to what I'm saying!
The girl practically dragged me over to where two guys were standing, all the while calling me "cute" and wowing over and over again. The two guys looked me up and down.
"You're gonna wait with a witch, huh? Well, I guess we won't have to worry about you getting attacked by a bear or something. Good, good," said the handsome man.
"Y-yeah. It's a relief. Whew," the plump man said, breathing heavily.
...
I whispered to the girl standing next to me, "Just what is going on here, exactly?"
"What do you mean?" she asked, confused. "I'm sorry, I didn't explain yet, did I? You see, these two are fighting over me."
No, I got that much. I could hear you when I was flying in. That's not what I'm asking.
"These two are fighting over you, are they?" I spoke in a very low voice so that the two men couldn't hear me.
"Yes…?" I could hear her unspoken question in her tone: "Is that strange?"
Feeling a sudden and very complicated swirl of emotions, I took a second look at the two men. The well-spoken man gave a broad smile so bright, even his teeth sparkled. And standing next to this immaculate man, the plump man was soaked with sweat. He looked smelly. A real piece of work.
Despite the obvious, enormous gulf between their outward appearances, the girl was having them compete against each other.
Is she an idiot? I'm not sure what she's thinking. But maybe the plump man has some sort of hidden talent. Or maybe the eloquent one has a really bad personality?
...
Alas, my interest was piqued. "I see, I see. Well then, I'll assume responsibility for protecting her."
Whatever was going on, I was a part of it now.
"Ready, go!"
When I clapped my hands, the two of them took off running at the same time.
"Raaah! Her heart is mine!" Mr. Perfect started out enthusiastically.
"Ngh, phew…hah, hah." Mr. Porky was exhausted the moment they started running.
Huh? How strange. I expected Mr. Porky to be unleashing his awesome hidden power right about now.
After the two had completely disappeared, I turned to question the girl. "Why are you having them compete?"
"Hmm?" she asked in a muffled voice as she took a carefree drink of water. She pointed to the water bottle. "Who do you think got this water for me?"
"Didn't you get it yourself?"
She shook her head. "Fatty got this for me. He doesn't take care of his appearance, but he's attentive to the little things, you see."
"Fatty?" She must mean Mr. Porky. That's a very…direct nickname. It's not incorrect, though.
"Oh, by the way, there's one for you, too."
"…Why is there one for me?" I was confused. But I just happened to come by.
"He slipped it to me just before the race started. It seems he brought a spare, so I'll give it to you." She pushed the bottle into my hands.
I'm not particularly thirsty, but I'll take it anyway. The water inside the bottle sparkled, reflecting the sunlight. But now I understand. He certainly is attentive. Who would have thought he'd have a water bottle for me, too?
"So you've been charmed by the heart and soul of the plump guy, and the appearance and manners of the well-spoken guy, is that it? What a nice problem to have." I'm not jealous, though.
The girl laughed dryly. "I don't really like Fatty at all, though, you know?" She quickly brushed aside my assumptions.
…Huh?
"What are you talking about?"
I was sure she was pitting them against each other because she couldn't decide.
"Fwah." The girl finished drinking all of the water in her bottle, then answered me gleefully. "I just messed around with Fatty because I had nothing better to do."
"..."
"But he's useless. Does he think this tiny bottle of water would be enough? I'm still thirsty." She threw the empty bottle into the forest.
Sure, I hadn't been exactly kind to the big man in my own internal monologue, and I wasn't particularly proud of that, but in that very moment, a single wish filled my heart. I sent a plea out to the universe.
Let this woman receive divine punishment.
And boy, did it ever.
It happened several minutes after the girl had thrown the empty bottle into the forest. I noticed her suddenly yawning dramatically, and then she just kept leaning, until she fell over backward with a thud.
Thankfully the underbrush made a nice cushion, so she didn't hit her head too hard.
I chided her inwardly, then started panicking and wondering if she was dead because she had fallen over so suddenly. But as I got closer, I could hear the distinct sound of snoring.
And that was how I found myself relaxing with this girl's head in my lap in the shade of the trees.
"Wheeh…muscles, so many muscles…"
This girl's attitude is awful, and the way she sleeps is just as awful.
What visions of hell must she be seeing for there to be nothing but muscles?
I wasted several minutes staring at her drool-covered face and listening to her terrible sleep talk. Then a single silhouette appeared in the distance. Who could that be? Well, there's no need to wonder, the first one to return is obviously going to be…
"...Ah." I blinked a few times and looked back at the figure running toward me. But no matter how many times I checked, the person approaching us was him.
It was Mr. Porky.
It was Fatty.
…How?
Huffing and puffing, covered in sweat and grease, he finally reached us with a triumphant grin. "Heh, hah… I did it, I w-won… heh…"Ah, I was foolish to feel sympathy for him earlier. As he looked around and confirmed that Mr. Perfect had not yet returned, his expression was extremely revolting.
The phrase physically impossible crossed my mind. Yeah, this is actually physically impossible.
But where was Mr. Perfect? My gaze followed Mr. Porky's dripping sweat and led me to the answer as I saw a figure approaching with tremendous speed.
It was Mr. Perfect.
When he saw Mr. Porky sneering, Mr. Perfect burst into tears. If it had just been him alone, or if there had been a beautiful girl waiting for him at the destination, the sight of such a softhearted man running in tears might have made a nice picture, but since the person in front of him was a pudgy man, the scene was just extremely
surreal.
The man reached the finish line and immediately began his laments.
"D-dammit… Why, why…?! Why did I take a nap in the middle of the race?!"
A nap? Are you stupid?
The fairy tale of the slowpoke tortoise and the quick-footed hare suddenly crossed my mind. As I recalled, the way that story ended was that the careless hare took a nap, and the tortoise who kept giving their all won at the end. It was a stirring story that left the
reader frustrated and cursing the tortoise.
Was this a repeat of that fable?
"Did you get careless?"
Wiping away the sheen of sweat and tears covering his face, Mr.
Perfect answered, "No… I got sleepy in the middle of the race and passed out, and when I came to, I was sleeping just over there." He slumped his shoulders.
…Hmm. Is this what I think it is? I wondered.
Mr. Perfect must have been thinking the same thing. He whipped a finger out to point at Mr. Porky and shouted, "You put drugs in that water to make me sleepy, didn't you?!"
Yep, called it. In fact, there was one more person who had drunk the water he provided, and she was fast asleep in my lap.
Mr. Porky shrugged his shoulders at Mr. Perfect in a dramatic display of contempt.
"Heh, hah… Do you have any proof?" For some reason, it was incredibly irritating to me that he had suddenly decided to become talkative after the race was over.
But it looks like he dug his own grave. Taking care not to wake her up, I slowly lowered the sleeping girl's head from my lap and stood up.
"If you want proof, here it is—" Just as the words left my mouth and I shoved the bottle out at him, I realized it was already empty. Of course, there was no proof there.
I had had a bad feeling about it, so I had dumped out the contents.
What a mistake.
As I stood there awkwardly, Mr. Porky's mood seemed to improve even further. "See?! You don't have any proof anywhere! All right, she's mine! Hee-hee!"
"…Ugh."
"…Ugh."
Unfortunately, there was no way to prove he had done something wrong— Wait, no. Wasn't there one more thing?
I put the bottle down and picked up the sleeping girl. "Wait a minute. Here's the proof."
"Hee… Be sensible. Surely she just got tired and took a little nap."
"No, she went to sleep after drinking the water you gave her."
"Where's your proof? Is that all you have to say? I'm waiting."
"..."
Ooh, he makes me mad…!
Now, the girl was a terrible person for messing around with Mr.
Porky, to be sure, but he had managed to surpass her. He was genuinely evil. I should blast him away with magic.
…Oh, I know just the thing.
I might have lost my cool, but Mr. Porky was maddening, and plus, he had started it.
I was furious.
I took out my wand—
"Wait right there."
There was a voice from above—one I may or may not have heard before.
When I looked up, the giant from the other day was standing there imposingly. Flanking him were two identical men who differed only in the color of their clothing.
Oh? What have we here?
This time (and this time only) I really felt like they were my saviors.
"Hello again." I bowed quickly to the three who had descended on us, and the big guy flexed his facial muscles… By which I mean he smiled.
"It's been a while, Madam Witch."
"Indeed it has, Muscleman."
It was the incredibly brawny man I had met several days earlier. I didn't know his real name, but I don't think he really minded. He was a strange person whose heart leaped with excitement at the sound of the very word muscle.
He puffed out his chest. "Mm, that's right. I am a muscular man."
Seems his skull is still full of muscle, too.
"It's nice to see you two again as well." I also bowed to the two men standing on either side of Muscleman.
"Good to see you."
"Yeah, hello again."
It seemed the two of them had gained more muscle mass. They had tried to trick me, but seeing their sinewy new physiques, I felt a little sorry for them.
"Brother, hasn't your skin tanned a bit?"
"I could say the same to you."
"Ha-ha-ha."
"Ha-ha-ha."
Eh, scratch that.
They seemed to be living the workout life. I ignored the two of them as they launched into some trivial conversation and quietly explained the details of the situation to Muscleman.
Muscleman was livid. "Oh-ho, so the smelly fat one is at fault, is he? Hmm?"
"N-no way! I d-d-didn't do anything! I won fair and square!"
"Don't lie." Muscleman grabbed him by the collar.
"Reeee!" Mr. Porky let out a groan that was more like a squeal. "I-I'm not lying!"
"Well, I suppose I'll just have to question you until I believe your story."
"S-stop it! You're being unfair! You just think that an ugly guy like me can't get a girlfriend, and you're laughing at me in your heads! But I fought hard, and I won! That's the truth! Why can't you just believe me?!" Flecks of spittle flew from his mouth as he spoke.
That seemed to upset Muscleman even more, and trust me, I noticed.
At this rate, the cowardly Mr. Porky was asking for a public execution.
Well, that's fine with me.
"...Mm." I was watching absentmindedly as Muscleman hoisted Mr.
Porky into the air when I heard a voice behind me. Maybe it was because the gross guy was making a fuss, or maybe it was because she had finally gotten enough sleep, but the girl opened her eyes at the perfect moment.
"…You're so noisy." Fixing her slightly ruffled black hair, she sluggishly righted herself, surveyed her surroundings, and asked,
"Oh, was there a winner?"
There was a short silence when nobody spoke. Eventually, I told her the results. "Oh yeah. Fatty won."
The girl's response was simple. After staring up at the sky for a moment, she lightheartedly replied, "Oh, okay. I'm not gonna go out with him, though." Frank, and merciless.
Everything froze. Fatty froze and flopped over like a dead fish; Mr.
Perfect got all flustered; the two brothers were, as always, having a lively discourse on workouts; and only one of the men replied to her.
It was Muscleman.
"What are you doing here?"
…Huh?
"Oh, big brother. What brings you here?"
…Big brother?
"Weren't you kidnapped by a group of brawny men?"
"Oh, those were my boyfriends. I was just dating all of them at the same time."
What do you mean boyfriends, plural?
"I see. And now?"
"I was looking for a new boyfriend."
"Did you find one?"
"No luck. All the men have such weak muscles," she said, glancing at Mr. Perfect.
I clapped a hand on Mr. Perfect's shoulder. His face had drained of all color, and he was still crying.
"Um, is this the little sister you told me about?" I asked, just to be sure.
Muscleman nodded. "Yep, this is her."
"..."
What the heck?
Having found his little sister at long last, Muscleman returned to his hometown with his sister and her new boyfriend, where they all lived happily ever after.
Huh? Who was her new boyfriend, you ask? Why, it was Mr. Perfect.
"W-wait, please! I've been working hard to gain your brother's approval, so can't you let me go with you?" Wiping tears away as he stepped forward, his gallant figure was a sight to behold. No matter what he did, it was picture-perfect.
The muscle siblings looked at each other.
"Hmm, so you want to build your muscles. I see." Muscleman nodded in understanding, then yawned disinterestedly and let his sister make the ultimate decision.
What does he even see in this girl? Well, they say that love is blind, so I'm sure he'll eventually open his eyes and his heart will cool off. Although by the time that happens, he'll probably be completely muscle-bound.
I waved as the three of them walked into the distance, then heard a strange moan from behind me. Oh, I forgot about the other guy.
When I turned around, Mr. Porky was rolling around awkwardly on the ground.
He doesn't exactly inspire me to console him, so let's just leave him there.
"Hey, big brother, what do you think about that pig?"
"Not enough muscles, hey—ah, hey, wait a minute. Our muscle mentor isn't here."
"You're right. He's not here, is he?"
"Don't tell me that he left us here?"
"What do we do?"
"Ahhh!"
The two magician brothers had finally finished their workout discussion. They looked around in confusion at what had happened, and so I generously explained it to them. Blah, blah, yada yada.
"What?! In that case, our muscle mentor has already completed his journey."
"What does that mean for us? This is a grave situation indeed."
"Well, that's how it is," I said. "Miraculously enough, he achieved his ultimate goal." I'm sure that those three will return to their hometown and live a muscle-bound life. But that's none of my concern, is it? "Now that you've been released from Muscleman's
tutelage, are you two going to go back on tour as magicians?"
The two of them seemed confused by the suggestion.
"Magicians?"
"Magicians?"
Don't tell me. "When I met you two, you were magicians, weren't you? Have you forgotten all about how you used to scam people out of their money?"
"…Ah."
"…Ah."
"That's right… We were magicians…"
"Gah… I'd forgotten because our lives have revolved around working out for so long…"
Muscles are a force to be reckoned with. Well, the two of them have been through a lot.
They remembered who they used to be, and the trio carried on as a troupe of traveling illusionists. And they all lived happily ever after.
...
That's right. As you might have guessed, the third man was Mr.
Porky.
"Hey you, why don't you come with us?"
"Yeah, you're on the same wavelength as us. You'll definitely make a good magician."
The two of them each put a hand on Mr. Porky's slumped shoulders and made the suggestion very gently. For his part, Mr. Porky just groaned, covered in snot and without a clue as to what was going on.
How unsightly.
But the two brothers seemed to understand.
"Ah, it's all right. Don't worry. We'll teach you everything you need to know."
"From the moment I saw you, I could tell you had a natural gift. Come with us."
Finally, Mr. Porky nodded stiffly.
And thus, the magician trio started their journey. Calling themselves Brothers and the Barrel to avoid the problem of combining their names, these men would soon build a circus guild that would circle the globe.
Or maybe not. I don't know what actually happened.
After all, that story wasn't a part of mine
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