章節 8: Prelude 1 - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Part 5
Who was this girl?
Zachary could not help but ponder that question. Anyone with a sane mind would know better than to approach him, let alone talk to and accompany him in such a manner.
He almost tripped as the girl rushed him but he caught himself at the last second. She moved ahead and he followed quickly beside her so as to not let himself drown in the rain. They kept their march on, not uttering a word to each other, but not shedding bitterness to one another either. Zachary was too caught up in his mind that he couldn't process the situation. As for the girl, she just carried the umbrella with a smile, satisfied that she was able to achieve her goal.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked.
If he were to be put in an opposing position, if he were to be in the girl's place, he was sure that he would not help himself. Even if it was anyone else, happy or sad, kind or cruel, rich or poor, he would not help them. No one cared to stop anymore. That was just how the world was.
"Is there any reason not to?" That was the answer she responded with.
An answer baffling enough to keep him in a whirlpool.
Thinking back, he was surprised at finding himself able and willing to speak with the girl instead of brushing her off — he even went as far as to tell her what was the right method of transportation. It was true that he was quite hostile towards her, but he could have done what he did best and ignored her. Yet he spoke up. Deep down, he wanted a reason to speak up, he just didn't know it.
Still, he failed to find comfort in this silent stroll across the rain. There was nothing on his mind to bring up in a conversation.
"Oh, have you heard?" The girl said in an almost disinterested manner.
「Great! Another rumor, that's what everyone's good at these days.」
There are always certain methods to start a conversation: "Check it out!" or "Listen to this!" or "Have you heard?" Just these three keywords are enough to spark interest in the listener's eyes and tangle their ears like an antenna. But they also happen to be major benefactors in starting up a rumor. Almost no conversation nowadays started without a rumor. That was why Zachary had his suspicions — and why he was extremely tired of them.
"What? Old man Philip finally bit the dus—"
"I heard Hye-mi Myung is holding a meet-and-greet and a writing contest on her behalf in the next few days!" Said the girl with her eyes sparkling with curiosity. "— The deadline for the submission is pretty close. But like, is that actually true? I mean, can you believe it? In this town?"
"Huh?!" Zachary stopped in his tracks, almost getting the rain to drop on him before the girl turned a few steps backward with her umbrella to cover him. "W-Who are you talking about?" He smiled wryly, feigning ignorance to the fact that he knew very well who she was talking about.
This was the first time he ever met a potential fan of Myung's work in real life, yet he did not want to talk about her. He did not want to waste energy.
"Well, look at that… you actually can smile," she pointed out his out-of-character behavior (in terms of his "normal" behavior) which took him by surprise as well. "Anyway, I thought you actually knew her. You're not one for gossip, aren't you?"
「Why would anyone be? It's a pain in the ass. Both for us and for them. There's nothing to gain. Just a waste of energy to everyone.」
If there was one thing he got right in his life, it was his resentment for rumors and gossip. It wasn't out of a personal experience. He was always out of the picture that nothing of what he did garnered much attention, and even if one did, he didn't have it in him to care.
"Anyway, you can just forget about what I was going to say since you don't know her and all—"
「Good, don't care anyway.」
But what came out of his mouth was completely different.
"I know of her, the author of "Stage-Set," right?"
Why did he press the conversation further? He didn't know. He was in a bizarre conflict with his own mind, a battle of actuality and delusions.
"Yes yes," the girl seemed happy, satisfied that she was able to converse with someone of his likeness. "If you "know of her," then you probably know about her strange antics, amirite?" She said with a sly smile as she pushed her elbow against his arm.
"Antics?!"
This time, Zachary was completely clueless about what she was referring to.
"Well, you see," she chuckled, "She has this certain attitude that I can't put a finger on, sometimes it feels like she's looking down on everyone — at least that's what I thought initially — but that's where the antics come in, she does a lot of stuff any of us could do, gets in trouble like anyone else, and doesn't act almighty at all, she's so down-to-earth. Yeah, I know I have a knack for bringing people together, but she's just on another level that I don't know if I can strive to. She's good at what she does."
「She sure likes the sound of her own voice.」
It was at that point that he also happened to realize that her accent seemed a bit simpler than his. He was always used to hearing that only in movies and the like, never in real life.
That aside, Zachary found himself more interested in the stories about Myung's character as it felt bizarre yet enticing to hear it from another person and what they think of her. He never knew Myung personally nor of her true personality.
"But why are you so interested in Myung?" He expressed his thoughts without an ounce of hesitation, "Why do you compare yourself to her?"
"Why?!" She stopped all of a sudden and looked at him with the most serious expression, showing off her determination toward that vague goal he was yet to know about. "It's just… I wanna be like her. So many times, I find myself reading her books for hours on end — I know everyone probably feels the same and it's not something new — but I just… fall deep into her world and feel this amazing sensation. And then I think to myself… I wanna do the same… I want to write and bring people into my world, I want to inspire others just like she does to me. I'm tired of sitting back and doing nothing and just listening to my parents bossing me around. Everything just seems so black and white when I'm not reading her books. But it makes me think, if she sees her world as she portrays it, then maybe I can be like her too. I want to be an author."
It was then that Zachary's thoughts halted.
「Those words…」
Those were his own words, his own feelings, his goal for escaping this monotonous life.
"Y-You…" He looked for an answer, "Why did you talk to me? Why do you want to be an author?"
"I knew it!" She let out a wide smile, letting her teeth shine bright like a crystal. "Okay, confession time… I read your short story that you submitted last year. Please don't get mad!"
"W-Wait, wha…?" Zachary took a step away from her in shock.
"I mean, it was a little gloomy— but I sorta understood it, there was a certain theme, almost close to Myung's bizarre and bright themes."
It was true.
A year prior, Zachary had just begun writing his own original short stories and a short story contest happened in the school a few weeks after that, prompting him to write one solely for it.
Unlike most of the other stories that were fantasy-focused, his story was a bit bizarre — which was why it was not able to earn first place but was good enough to be an honorable mention. A character-centered story about an author's mind struggling for a change in his life. That was what it was about. The story could have been considered fantasy in its own way as it was inside the twisted mind of the author with fantastical elements here and there, but like the judges said, it was "too vague."
Despite that, it was all too similar to many things he had read about, and to him specifically, but it was one he felt the need to write at that time. And that was what garnered the girl's attention towards Zachary.
"It was like a more complicated version of Alice In Wonderland if you ask me," she laughed, switching the confident tune in her voice to a more awkward one, "But… I liked it. At least, it got a bit of recognition, mine was thrown completely into the trash. The concept of a creator trapped within a cascade of his own mind was really well done here."
「So this is what it was all about…」
All the bickering. All the stalking. All the discomfort she brought him was of his own product. If they hadn't met today, she would have probably chased him to the ends of the Earth for this one thing, just to praise his work and nothing else.
After finally figuring out the reason behind her interest in him, he could not bring himself to hate it.
Out of everyone, his family, his classmates, the judges, it was the girl with barely any experience, just a simple reader, that managed to understand his work, that found potential under all the rumble. It meant nothing in reality, this girl could not bring him to the major leagues or help him be recognized in any way, but her words made his heart almost flutter. It helped him realize that even if he could not understand emotions all too well, he could still make something that replicates it.
But…
「There's no point to it.」
Like shadows crawling back from the darkness, the negative lingering thoughts came back. Memories of him weeping in his desk riddled his mind, of how he struggled to find reason for what he wanted. The desire for a colored world would not suffice as a strong resolve in his mind.
"It was honestly… inspiring in a way," the girl placed the fingertips of both her palms against each other and smiled, "So you see, I wanted someone to attend the meet-and-greet with me and I've had my eye on you for quite some time as you might have noticed." She chuckled, "No pressure or anything, of course. You just seem like the perfect guy for it since we are kinda like each other. I thought maybe, just maybe if we meet up with her, we could be one step closer to what we want."
「No no, that's just wrong.」
Even with her perfect attitude and answers, it was still wrong in Zachary's eyes.
"And if we do that, and nothing happens, then what?" He offered his honest opinion, "What if you're wrong?"
"Huh?!" She took a step back.
That optimism and blind judgment of hers were in the wrong place, she would be no different from his father or any of his other idols that were lost in time.
Without knowing much about her, just from her words, he saw the girl as one who possessed one story within, and once she was done with it, there was nothing else, she would be lost to time just like the others as well. And frankly, Zachary saw himself as the same. All his stories revolved around a similar topic in each of their own ways. He believed that once he could properly portray it, he would have nothing else. If luck deemed his idea a success, it would not be for the next one.
That was what he feared the most, why he did not want to finish his story.
"It's all about time and luck," he said with a firm belief in his words, "We could put all our effort into it but it would mean nothing if we don't have those two elements. So many people give it their all and yet we know nothing about them! How would we be any different?"
"What's the point of questions if you don't try?" The girl interrupted, her face full with a bundle of frustrated emotions as she struggled to win against Zachary's dark delusions, "Sitting around and imagining the worst won't get you answers. And you won't get them unless you try."
"Try, try and try again? Finish one goal by pure luck and then onto the next with completely nothing. When will it stop being a struggle?"
"That's what makes it special! If there's no struggle, then what's the point? If I just drop down words and call it a novel then is that really a good thing? If you could write without struggling, would you feel good about yourself?"
"So what? You're in it for the pain?"
"The struggles, the pain you're talking about, bears all my emotions. A story without one is just hollow, it's meaningless. If I don't put my all, my highs and lows, into it then it will come off as empty. That's what it takes to make a story like Myung!" The girl was shouting. She was frustrated by his refusal to truly listen to her argument, she wanted to get her point across but he simply wouldn't let her. But when she realized how loud her voice had become, she widened her eyes in surprise and turned back a bit, "I'm… I'm so sorry for… snapping like that. I just hate it when someone— N-Nevermind…"
「You...」
How did it come to this? Both of them wondered. A simple conversation between two youths of the same desire somehow almost turned into a full-blown argument of conflicting passions. It was clear that each of them saw that same passion in a completely different light from the other. There was still that single thread left, the one to determine their own sides on the spectrum. If it were to be cut, then the answer was pretty clear, ergo that lingering question that was still on Zachary's mind.
"You still haven't answered my question," he was persistent, "You keep talking about how you can overcome this and how you can write that, but why even do it? What's the point in any of this? If I follow your advice and put all my pain into my story but it doesn't succeed, then what was the point?!"
He was looking for answers to his own questions, questions about himself. He wanted something new and convincing enough to cling onto. But deep down, he knew the answer.
"Why do you want to be like Myung? Why do you want to be an author? Why do you do this?"
「Don't you dare say it. Be different.」
"I…" She hesitated for a moment, holding her grip against her chest, and, with all her might, let out her answer with a smile. "I want that bright-colored life, you know."
"...!"
Feeling his heart drop after hearing those words, Zachary could only stare at her in shock.
Both of them fell silent after coming to that revelation.
Their silence was soon enveloped within the rain.
At that moment, the rain seemed louder than ever before, as if it would turn into a waterfall from the sky to drown them all. It felt like a huge barrier standing between the words that were to be said in the next moment.
Each of them was in their own thoughts.
Zachary looked down and sighed deeply, "You are wrong about me… You're not like me."
Without letting his sights escape the ground, he walked away, letting the rain drop down on him like bullets, and leaving the girl alone to her dilemma.
This was the final straw.
He shouldn't have joined her when she told him to. He shouldn't have talked to her. He should have ignored her and went about with his colorless life as usual. He was content with it, it was the life that did not end with him being at the short end of the stick, forgotten and alone.
It was all a mistake.
"W-Wait—"
As she called for him, he walked faster, to get away from the rain as quickly as possible, to get away from her.
There were so many questions in his mind, so many struggles that he didn't want to solve. He wanted to run away from it all, and so he ran. He ran without a second thought, leaving everything that could be behind him and facing only what should be. That girl was a wake-up call to him, that was what he believed, a wake-up call of what not to do. She was blinded by the same goals and followed them believing she was happy.
But there was no such thing as happiness.
That was the truth, the truth of Zachary Ashworth, a man who was never allowed to have what he wanted, to be happy. Whenever he asked for something as a child, he would always be met with rejection. That was how it was all the time.
Zachary wanted things. Zachary never got them.
Growing in a poor household, he barely had a chance to know what it was like to get what he wanted. If he were to want that desire, there would only be failure at the end of the road. And there was nothing more to fear in the world than failure. That applied not only to the materialistic things but to everything that shaped what his life would become. Even if he desired a chase, he learned to chase after what he needed and not what he wanted.
He would always be told to be content with what he had and be happy with it. He would always be told that so much was being done for him, that he should shut up and follow along so happiness would come for him.
Happiness does not come to those who ask, and it does not come to those who stay silent, it does not exist. That was what he was told.
「So why is she happy?」
It frustrated him.
The girl had the same desires, the same goals, and almost the same life, but she lived it in a completely different view. She pushed aside all the negativities, while also keeping them in mind, and looked at the grey world between the black and white one. Yet still, she wanted neither, she aimed for the world that rarely existed: the bright-colored world. A world only realized in books and seen in movies. The world Myung gave her readers on a silver platter. They need only believe and they can see it. After all, what is fiction but a piece of reality?
「But it's all hogwash… all of it.」
He stood idly at the station, staring down at the ground as he took shelter from the rain under the station's roof. A red light was flickering several times at a leisure pace, signaling that the tram will arrive shortly.
In a few minutes it will come to a halt in front of the station, just as always, and he'll step inside and leave, just as he does every day. There was no need for him to think of chasing a useless dream once again. It wasn't like he, out of everyone else in the world, will change the world. It will move on without him like always.
「Like always…」
A gust of wind coursed through the station as the tram finally arrived. It was as if a storm was coming. The doors opened, and the few people that were nearby walked in. Everything was pointing toward that one path, the path that he always trod. He should leave… and never look back.
But he didn't.
Any person with resolve believed in only moving forward and never turning back to the past. It was a logical path to take. Naturally, Zachary should follow it as well and move on. That encounter was just a minor setback, a fever dream. Yet, he knew that even though he had the right mindset in a way, the path he walked was the wrong one.
「The wrong path… right and wrong…」
He let out a deep breath that was visible to the eyes from the cold.
「No! There is no right and wrong, or black and white — there never was — there is only a choice, just like mom once said.」
He nervously tapped his finger on the side of his leg.
「It won't matter if I choose to leave. It won't matter if I choose to stay.」
He looked back at the path he came from.
「Nothing will stop me from making a choice.」
He tightened his grip.
「That's right…」
"...," He desired the courage to speak up.
「I'm free.」
"I…"
「Yeah, I'm free to do whatever I want.」
Happiness does not come to those who ask, and it does not come to those who stay silent, it comes to those who choose it.
"I want it…" The words finally escaped his breath, the words he desperately tried to reject for no reason.
With that choice finally in mind, Zachary turned his back to the direction of the tram, his last means of escape from the perilous choice he was about to make, and ran in the opposite direction, back to the rain and the mud.
They say there was once a boy who believed in nothing and acted upon nothing, and then he met a girl; a girl who showed him reason.
And so the boy ran with all his might. Even in a world of hardships and forces that would always push one back, he moved forward, all in an effort to return to the girl and tell her the truth, to take her hand and walk together toward whatever road they would choose.
「Please be there, please be there, please be there…」
Zachary still had a lingering fear in his mind that he might have missed his chance and made the choice too late. That girl could have left long ago. He wouldn't blame her if she did so, it would only be a natural response to his actions.
But he didn't want that.
For once in his life, he wasn't content with things as they were, he wasn't going to accept a result that didn't suit him, he was going to get what he wanted. And what he wanted—
「There!」
She was still there.
The girl was still standing on the side of the road with all her beauty and innocence. She held an umbrella to shelter her from the rain as she rested her back on the fence. This would be the time where Zachary would question why she stayed behind, no sane person would do so in weather this bad.
But he knew the answer: She was just like him, an idiot who had a belief.
"Heeeey!!" He called out to her.
She turned her head in his direction and her face was lit with surprise.
"I want it too!" Zachary shouted at the top of his lungs, not giving the slightest thought about the rain, throwing away the worries that clouded his mind for so long.
He stopped for a moment to catch his breath after all that running back from the station — he did not have the best stamina.
He faced the girl from afar with pride and resolve, and shouted once again.
"I want to be like Myung. I want to write. I want to create. I want that bright-colored life too!!!"
The girl smiled.
And so the boy with no reason in a colorless world finally started to see color.
每周推薦票狀態
-- 推薦票
榜單 
-- 推薦票