章節 123: Nightmares and Remorse
Caspian woke up sweating, he inhaled in deep breaths. He had just dreamt of the last scenes of the battle he had undergone. He could see the life disappear from the eyes of the man he killed as he punctured his throat with his spell, he could see the final throws of death from the man he beheaded, and he felt the quiver of his body as the crack of the gun echoed through the street, blowing up the head of his attacker.
He closed his eyes. But all he saw was the scene again. He decided to wake up even though it was dark, he wanted to stroll and chat with Rycharde who he had talked to several times about his nightmares. He didn't want to wake him up at the moment, he could have talked to Evered, but he was the one assigned for night duty that day but he didn't want to bother him.
He decided to take a stroll through the darkness. Ezra had previously told them that they would be Professors in the university, his responsibilities were to teach algebra, to the students. He already knew beforehand the aptitude of most of the students who were going, he only had to do a light review, Ezra told them that the main focus of the university was engineering, and he wanted to produce capable overseers as soon as possible.
'If only things were as definite as mathematics,' Caspian sighed. He still couldn't shake off the lingering dread from the dream.
He was looking forward to today, Hearth would be released and he would have someone to accompany him during his rounds again. It was lonely to be alone when he had to guard Ezra's room. Most of the time he would just read the textbooks that Ezra gave him which fascinated him endlessly.
Ezra had told him of a path to get even stronger. He called it fluid mechanics, he was determined to study and understand the necessary mathematics to understand the field. So far from what Ezra told him he was already around sixty per cent on his way.
Instead of thinking, he decided to go to the training grounds and practice, his spells.
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction," Caspian whispered loud.
He envisioned a spell where he could use to propel him forward or backwards or launch him in the air, what was odd was that when using magic this was not necessarily applicable. He was told by Ezra that the amount of push back from the force of a water spell fluctuated from fifty to ten per cent, and it seemed to vary no matter how many tests they did, there seemed to be no correlation to the kinetic recoil.
Ezra had demonstrated through an electric motor pump that there was recoil in when using a sufficient amount of force. There was a huge gap in understanding physical phenomena because of this, the people could not sufficiently segregate what was magical and what was purely physical, at least that was what Caspian heard from Ezra.
As the sun rose, he went to Rycharde's quarters to report and receive his daily task.
"Caspian, I see you're awake early," Rycharde yawned.
"I'm still having trouble with the dreams, Sir Rycharde," Caspian paused," It's just hard to swallow that I actually killed a person."
"I know the feeling" Rycharde nodded, "the first time I killed a bandit, I had the same nightmares, you can see the life slowly extinguish from their eyes," Rycharde said as he reminisced.
"You have to understand, it was you or them. They wanted you to die, and you just had to defend yourself."
"I know, but sometimes I just think maybe there might have been another way," Caspian's voice quivered.
"There isn't and as long as the strong stand over the week, this will forever be a cyclical force of nature," Rycharde shook his head, "I really can't help you get over it. There is no explanation for how I did it, I guess it just happened. But I think visualizing how the loss would affect your friends or family helps," Rycharde said sincerely.
"I – I'll try," Caspian nodded.
"Well, off you go, make sure Hearth is still in one piece, I don't know what happened after Lord Bedross visited him."
"Okay then," Caspian nodded.
The walk towards the dungeon was not long as he hurried.
He saw Hearth, on his straw bed one leg on top and the other resting at the foot of the bed. His head lay low as he rested it on his arm. He seemed to be breathing heavily. His clothes seemed ragged and tattered.
Caspian glanced curiously at Hearth.
"Hearth, are you okay? It's time to go now. You can get back to your duties, Lord Ezra told me you could have the whole week off."
He didn't reply.
"Hearth, come on." Caspian furrowed his brows.
"Does Lord Ezra think me weak?" Hearth finally spoke, he still maintained his position without looking at Caspian.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Does he think I can't handle all those lashes?" Hearth made a guttural noise after the statement.
"Of course not," Caspian raised his eyebrow.
"Then why!" Hearth raised his voice a little louder, "I expected lashings every day! I expected it to last for three months!" Hearth sniffed.
Droplets suddenly fell on the hay bed.
Caspian had never seen Hearth cry, it was an unearthly experience.
"I know I made a mistake, I know what I did," hearth sniffed again, "that's why I thought I would be punished appropriately."
"That's"
"I deserve worse, I can't get out of here," Hearth shook his head, "No, not yet!"
"Come on now Hearth, don't be unreasonable," Caspian went nearer.
"Shut up!"
Caspian was taken aback. "What's wrong with you?"
"I still need to stay here! Go away!" Hearth shouted.
"Stop being so unreasonable," Caspian grabbed his arm and tried to move him.
"STOP IT!" Hearth pushed back, "Why don't you just stop being so PERFECT!" Hearth finally stood up with tears streaming through his eyes.
"What? Perfect?"
"You're always studying with Lord Ezra, you always follow commands to the letter, you never get in trouble and now it seems that you're a noble, Caspian the perfect vassal, Caspian, Heir to Couralt! Why is it that good things only happen to you!" Hearth made a deep breath.
"I've been exiled, away from the land of my birth, away from my father, the mother that I knew wasn't actually my mother, all the things I love push me away. I have no hope of inheriting my domain, I'm basically leeching off of our castle. I disappointed the person I looked up to beside my father. I'm such a loser," Hearth sobbed.
"I'm such a looser Caspian, I'm nothing. I'm a bastard only good for nothing. I am not worth anything."
"I- I didn't know, that you were, I-I thought that," Caspian stuttered.
"Well now you do," Hearth cut him off and then continued," You know what makes me sick Caspian? I looked down on all bastards, I didn't think that they were worth a thought, I thought that they were creatures beneath me when I first came here, I thought really that there was just some mistake, I denied it to myself. I actually even didn't think you were worth anything when I first came here but was the reverse it turns out I'm worth nothing." Hearth wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
"But I don't have it good, Hearth," Caspian replied sincerely," my parents died, I was left without kin for the longest time, I just thought myself as not of any worth, Lord Ezra taught us otherwise. If I thought I was alone, then probably I'd fall into grief as well. But you have us, don't you?" Caspian paused to look at Hearth's reaction who was still looking down.
"You have Lord Ezra, Sir Rycharde, and Sir Evered. We are all here together. Lord Ezra keeps saying that he is striving for a future where every man may not be equal, but given equal opportunity. He tells us that we are the foundation of something grander, I don't know about you but I look forward to that future, Hearth. And if that means anything to you, you'd stop sulking in this room and get out. We all make mistakes you know." Caspian concluded.
"But I-I'm just a bastard,"
"Wasn't I before? If you give up now, you give up the future where somewhere, sometime, something good may come!"
Hearth slowly nodded.
"Now come, Let's go the future awaits,"
Hearth wiped his tears of remorse and regret and followed Caspian forwards towards the possibility of a better tomorrow.
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