章節 1: Cataclysm, Pt 1
Your fingers dance and play with the coffee cup in your hands as you gaze out the coffee shop window. But your mind is a million miles away as your thoughts whip and thrash all over. It's almost as though you're at the center of a torrential storm.
"Sorry I'm late," someone says, just out of sight.
Your heart leaps at the words, as though incredibly elated to hear them. But then a heaviness presses down on it almost immediately afterwards.
Kaja settles herself into the seat across the small table from you, a mad flurry of low-level harriedness and baggy, flowing clothes. She sets down all of her things chaotically, ties back her frizzy ginger hair into a loose ponytail, then takes a sip of her coffee.
She gives it a somewhat approving nod before she turns most of her attention back to you.
"So, you wanted to talk?" she asks.
A pit forms deep within you as you muster up the courage to say what it is you need to say. You can practically feel yourself slipping deeper down into it, even as you pull yourself together.
"We've been together for how long now?" you ask her, your voice on the verge of cracking. "Three, four years now?"
Her face shifts as she senses your anxiety. At the same time, her own movements slow down, as though she's giving you more of her attention than normal.
"Five," she replies. "Why d'ja ask? What's up?"
She takes another sip of her coffee, but resolutely maintains eye contact with you. Her gaze seems to be querying you with every moment, as though she's attempting to figure out what you're thinking.
You think for a moment how much easier life would be if she could do just that - then you wouldn't have to go through all this in the first place. Just being out here, among all these people… It makes you feel exposed and vulnerable in all the ways you hate.
As the anxiety begins to climb deep inside, you realize that you simply need to rip the bandaid off.
"I think," you stammer, "I think we have a lot of fun together, but we aren't working out. Not really, not in the long run."
Kaja's face shifts and contorts as you speak, your words clearly causing her distress. Though it tears you up to do that to her, you know deep down that you have to. Letting things go any further will just make life worse for the both of you.
By the time you're done, her mouth is agape and she's left speechless.
After what seems to be an eternity, she gathers herself back up and apprehensively asks you, "Why?"
You exhale through your nose as your own anxiety threatens to spill over.
"We're just too different," you tell her. You want to keep pressing her about all the ways that make you two complete opposites. The fact that she's always running around and building up her life, her career. The fact that her calendar's practically always booked and busy. She's always into some new thing, a new hobby, a new interest. Crocheting, or boardgaming, or salsa dancing.
Her life is a swirling madhouse of activity, while yours… isn't.
You want to tell her that you're exhausted by her, that she's moving too fast for you. But the reality is that you're going nowhere. She's a whirlwind while you're just debris in the wind.
"I just don't want to drag you down," you tell her honestly.
A part of you wants to tell her that she's better off without you, and to find someone more her speed. But you just can't admit to yourself of just how much you don't measure up.
"If I thought you were dragging us down, I'd be the one breaking us up," she says. "What's the real reason, hm? Why are you doing this? And now, of all times…"
Your lips purse as the words fight to come out of your mouth. They practically push their way out, no matter how much you want to stop speaking.
"And also you're too much for me," you blurt out. "You're here, there, everywhere. All around. It's like… you're just too close, always. I can't handle that at all."
"What?!" Kaja snaps out defensively. "How can you even say that? I know what you're like, how reclusive you can get. I know how much you need your alone time…"
She stammers, seemingly unable to grasp why you're doing what you're doing.
But you know she's much smarter than you ever will be. It seems to you that she's acting out a bit, which you definitely understand. She was always the more anxious one in the relationship, while you were the more avoidant one.
"What's not to get?" you say. "There's just too much of you in my life! And you never seem to wanna step back when I need you to."
"I've always given you all the space you need whenever you ask," Kaja retorts.
Both your voices elevate as the tension between you two rises. You had hoped this would all end quickly and quietly, but of course that was never going to be possible with Kaja.
You press a couple fingers to the bridge of your nose as a headache starts to form.
This really wasn't something you needed, not right now. Especially out in public. So you end up snapping at her in frustration.
"Maybe whatever space you give isn't enough!" you blurt out. "Why can't you figure this out? It isn't brain surgery!"
Kaja is visibly taken aback for a moment before her countenance darkens slightly. She responds to you with an edge on her tongue, clearly feeling attacked by your insulting tone.
"Have you maybe considered that no matter how much space I give you, it never seems to be enough?" she spits out. "Whenever things go sideways in your life, you always blame me for being too close, or too overbearing, or whatever. And it's always the same. I'm the one that's doing something wrong, never you."
Your mind and body instantly react to her words, and you immediately become defensive.
"What the fuck's so hard about what I'm asking for?!" you say. "If I need something, I need something, and that's the end of it! Why do you always have to throw yourself into whatever problems I'm dealing with? It's not like I asked you to!"
"Don't you even know what a relationship is?" she replies with equal fervor. "We're supposed to be there for each other. What kind of partner would I be if I wasn't by your side?"
A scowl forms on your face. Every fiber in your being wants to simply run away from her, from this coffee shop, from everything. You jerk yourself up out of your chair and stand up suddenly.
"I honestly don't have to put up with you and your shit," you say. "I'm outta here."
Kaja throws her hands in the air and shakes her head at you. The disappointment in her face is clear to read.
"You know, everyone told me not to date you," she says in a huff. "Because it's always about you, isn't it? It's always what you need, never anyone else. Always acting like life's so unbearable unless it's going exactly how you want. Like right now. Can't handle this conversation, so you're just gonna up and run away."
The heat rises up from you as you feel your face redden out of anger and embarrassment. You open your mouth to say something, but are unable to find the words.
Seeing that you're too speechless to respond, she continues to berate you.
"So why do you expect to get everything you want, huh? Why does everything have to be about you and what you need, huh? Why the hell are you such a self-absorbed spoiled-fucking-brat!?!"
"Brat?!" you exclaim. "You've got some nerve saying that! You keep saying that you give me the space that I want, but on the other hand you're always pushing me to do this or do that. Always always always telling me what to do."
"Again, that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship - help each other become better people! Or did you honestly expect to do absolutely nothing your entire life?"
"My life is my own, and I'll live it how I want! So butt out of it already!"
Red flashes across your eyes as your heat level rises to your tipping point.
"You drive me insane!" you finish off with a yell.
The entire cafe pauses in a moment of silence, your dramatic outburst having captured the attention of everyone around you. Some even from outside the shop on the other side of the window. Right now, you're far too angry to care, but it'll definitely eat away at you later.
You feel the fire inside you dim as you look down at Kaja. She's clearly stunned by your eruption, having never seen this level of you before. This part of you that you had always kept hidden. This part of you that demands why you always need to be alone.
A hint of realization flashes across her eyes, just as a hint of remorse passes across your own.
Before either of you can say anything else, your head is suddenly wrapped in pain, as though your skull is being crushed from all directions. You fall back in your seat, hands wrapped around your head, eyes shut tight and on the verge of tears.
Your heart thumps wildly in your chest as the immense pressure drains your strength and suffocates your every thought. A burning pain spreads across your body, increasing in intensity with every passing moment.
It feels as though you're dying inside and out.
You open your mouth to scream, but you can't even hear it. The incessant ringing in your ears overwhelms every other sound echoing all around.
More than that, you feel your body flailing around as you're consumed by every sensation that exists. You attempt to pry your eyes open, but the pain keeps you from seeing straight and everything is a mad blur of passing moments.
But even through your own pain and suffering, you realize that Kaja is also clutching her head and writhing around in pain. She seems to be screaming, but you can't hear a thing. A moment later, your vision leaves you, and all you experience is flame. It envelops you inside and out, all at once.
You feel yourself slowly shattering. It's as though thousands of crystalline shards are slowly being drawn out of your core. You feel all of them piercing through your body with unbelievable pain.
The torment is beyond unbearable.
It occurs to you that this is death taking you, and all those shards are death's scythe ripping through your soul. You can feel it unraveling you slowly, but from the inside out.
There's a moment when the pain hits its absolute peak, and all your thoughts and emotions are swept away clean and clear. All that's left is the agony, which hits you acutely to the point where all you want is for all of it to end.
For death to take you and still your heart.
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