章節 1: EPISODE 1
Nothing mattered. Nothing really ever mattered if I sat here staring at the vast. The city brought me incessant misery, I couldn't quite wrap my head on when the next one would rear it's ugly head. Staring at it and admiring it's beauty was betraying myself but I couldn't help it.
It was like an endless painting on a canvas, like infinity. Scattered houses, different shapes, heights and paints. I could almost make out the top of the tower, I wondered if anyone ever made it to the top, It had to be about 100ft. From the tower, I could see the sky in my periphery, I focused on it, having it's ever lovely shade of blue - in contrast to myself- making out different shapes even animals. Mum used to say it was the reflection of things in heaven.
'Did animals go to heaven too?' I'd always ask. I wondered if she made it there but I could never make out her features. I could never see her warm smile or her ever so straight hair no matter how much I looked. I'd always give up but find myself glancing up at the sky again to humour myself. I just wanted to know if she was okay even though I knew she wasn't.
A tree caught my attention, it's branches were so dry, life sucked of it. If I concentrated enough I'd be able to make out how many leaves it had which I doubt was up to thirty. It was slanted, I almost saw it laugh at me maybe because it reminded me so much of me.
I was so focused on it, it blacked out the sounds of the consistent screamlike whines of the teenagers all in their rebellious age. I sat where any other dweeb would be. The rooftop. Hiding, running, just didn't care? I couldn't decide which I was doing.
I snapped out of it, lunch break would be over soon, I'd have to face it again. The judging eyes, the snide remarks, I was so used to it,that sometimes it just bored me out of my brains and I wished they'd find more ways to express their disgust.
He was there as always. Liam. The one guy I wouldn't classify as a dweeb but somehow always shared the rooftop space with me. It's been about a month since I started entertaining his silent company.
Liam was the school sweetheart, the complete opposite of me - though I was once the sweetheart but now just an ostracized freak - he had a charm that had people swarming him like bees. It was so hard not to know him, not like I cared until that day.
I sat here as usual in the same position, knee propped up, head leaned on the scrapped wall - which needed painting more than anything,- the other leg, stretched forward, one hand on the propped knee, the other on the granite floor, looking out the city. He'd stormed in that afternoon, banging the door at his back and yelling his heart out with a hand forcefully tugging his blond hair.
I watched him silently, mulling over whether asking him to stop or letting him yell his frustration, till either his throat clogged or all his hair pulled out. I chose the later. I was surprised his yellings didn't didn't attract his bees or the annoying adults.
He didn't notice me at first, until he slumped down onto the floor, holding the railings like his life depended on it. I recalled an image of me like that sometime when I first ran here just like him.
He raised his head, locking eyes with me, I was boring holes at him from how I was staring. He held my gaze, I couldn't break it either, just couldn't look away like I was being pulled in by a spell. I could see it clearly in his deep blue eyes, sadness, frustration, anger... Anger was dominant.
He managed to flash me a smile. A sad smile I'd call it, only the corners of his lips perking up, his eyes solemn like the joker. I couldn't look anymore so I looked away.
We sat in an awkward silence for a while before he stood up, I had two thoughts. One. He was going back to where he came from. Two. He was coming towards me. I prayed it was the prior but he did neither of those. He walked to the other end of the wall and slid down. The door separating us. I stole a glance at him, he was mimicking my posture. I'd half expected him to start up a conversation but he didn't which I was grateful for.
Since that day, it kinda became a routine, like a secret hideout. Every lunch break we'd meet here in silence, no matter who came first. We never said a word to each other but over time the silence became comfortable and never awkward. It felt like we understood each other.
At first, I thought his friends would start following him up, I told myself to stop coming if I saw them but they never did. That again I was grateful for.
Somehow, he reminded me of myself both a year ago and when it all started. Lost. Alone. Sad. He only ever seemed to express his sadness here, he wasn't the same in class, he was happy, smiling, making jokes with his friends, that'd been a year ago me. I would never had believed it was faux, if I didn't see him here every lunch staring in emptiness.
A month has passed, he was still the same, happy in the crowd, sad in private, only his private casted me. I sneaked a peek at him, I really didn't care but curiously, I wanted to know what made him so sad. I wondered if it was far worse than mine.
Liam's hair was slicked-back as usual, sharp jawline, necktie tugged at slightly --he always did that but fixed it before leaving-- skin, light tone and was probably taken good care of. We always shared the same posture --propped knee, splayed leg, a hand on the knee, the other on the floor--. His middle finger always tapped rhythmically like a stim, which I'd gotten used to, my mind always played with it. His slender fingers I had to admit were pretty, too pretty for a guy's hand.
"Do you ever think of jumping?" His voice rang in my ear, I almost didn't know it was his." Maybe creating a scene?" His voice had a rasp to it, it wasn't so deep nor too masculine. It was again pretty.
I jolted, wondering if he caught me staring. I looked forward back to nothingness. He was so goddamn handsome with a voice like that, no wonder the girls won't stop swooning around him, who'd ever think he had such thoughts.
I was about to reply when the excruciating sound of the bell was heard, he stood without waiting for it like he already knew the answer or didn't care for it. It was one of those unspoken rules, when the bell goes, he left first. I followed after a few minutes. We just happened to have a class together. We never really shared classes often so I mostly ever saw him during lunch.
"Hey, where'd you go? We searched for you. Again." As always he was swamped with his friends, taking a seat on the second roll. He wore a smile as always which was almost genuine. Almost.
"Just took a walk outta school to clear my head." He lied.
" Ooh? Again?" Drake one of his friends asked.
" Yeah. Like I told you guys, you don't gotta look for me during lunch." He gave that smile again.
He winked at a few girls, never once glancing in my direction, we didn't know each other outside the rooftop. I sat by the window on the fourth roll which also happened to be the last. Ostracized freak, get it?.
"Hey dork__" I heard the voice of the one person I still lived for.
Not in the good way though. My step brother. I wished I could just take the brother out of it. My step. Whatever. It was really a silly reason to live for. A very crude reason but that was all I had, just four words 'Who's the dork now?' that's it. I'd say that to his gravestone. Before then, I can't die not until I say it.
I looked up to see him sneering at me, once again, drawing attention to us. Oh how he loved the attention. I could hear the snarky remarks.
'They're at it again.'
'Why won't their parents let him drop out'
'He's shameless just like his mother.'
And many more I didn't care about. I was used to it all. They didn't phase me one bit.
Weirdly, he was older than me. It was usually the younger ones who taunt their brothers, mine, was vice versa. I was the bitter, heartless brother or dork like he called me. He was a year older than me but somehow we ended up in the same grade. I've only known him for a year. One year, and he ruined my life, snatched away my perfect life, turned my friends into foes. One friggin year, but what does it matter, besides he's the real son. You'd wonder if I were fake then.
"I don't expect you to reply." He smiled, a fake mocking grin. "Kid bro."
As much as I hated to admit it the similarities were there, the curly black hair-- which I dyed brown to erase, straightened the life out of it but still turned curly in days-- the annoying green-hazel eyes--- I wore contacts to hide. Dad had fretted when he saw the changes I made but I couldn't care less-- he was like another version of me which I hated.
The difference was mostly he was scrawny why I wasn't. I was buffer. Sometimes I wondered how he was even older.
"I'll be sitting with my bro." He said over his shoulder to his friends who used to be my friends especially Luke.-- The asshole had been my best friend, I couldn't quite get over it. It made no sense, he'd known me more than ever but still turned on me.-- They nodded scattering to other seats. The pretty girl who I hadn't noticed was sitting beside me, stood up upon hearing his announcement. I sighed. Another torture.
I was the black sheep whether in school or at home. Dad had gotten busier,he used to have all the time in the world for us when mum was still here but I barely saw him now. I was stuck with Parker and his slag of a mother. I'd suggested moving out or changing schools more times than I could remember but dad ruled it off, wouldn't believe when I told him about Parker and how I couldn't tolerate him.
He'd say instead,"Don't be rude to your older brother." I had fought the urge to yell at him with 'he's not my fucking brother' because he wasn't.
Dad hasn't objected to getting a job. I worked to stay away from home as much as I could. Left for work immediately after school to avoid bus encounters with Parker.
Another day came, as usual I could hardly sleep, barely getting up to three hours of sleep but that was more than enough. I dragged my feet off the bed in a rush, couldn't wait to leave the house, I always wanted to be in a year ago, that was when it had warmth and felt like home. When mum died, it died with her, now I don't even want to spend a second in here.
"You were out late, last night." Dad queried.
He sat at the head of the table, his beloved wife and lovely son by his left and right respectively, chewing happily at their meal. I sat at the other end, there were two seats on either side of the table, one at each end. I was one chair away from them, picking on my food, didn't trust the slag enough to make me food.
"Yeah, late night rush order." I lied shrugging it off.
Obviously I just didn't want to come back, took a stroll to and fro without a destination till it was past dinner when I knew I wouldn't be encountering any of them and stealthily went to my room.
Dad raised his brow in a frown,"You have one rule, I expect u to stick to it."
Yeah I had a rule 'always be back before dinner.' one rule I didn't want to abide by, cause then I'll have to sit on one table like now with them and play happy family.
"It's just one night. Not a big deal."
"One night? It happened twice last week and many more times I've lost count of." He said sternly.
He was barely at home, so his wife must be filling him on the details.
"What's the big deal? I'm eighteen, I can take care of myself, stay out late if I want to." I shot rather irritated.
"Don't push it son." I hate it. I hate it when he still calls me that way after what he did to mum.
"It's okay Sean. He's just a kid, don't get worked up." Parker's mum said soothingly in that spurious caring tone, squeezing his hand on the table like mum used to do. Sitting beside him like mum used to, trying to replace mum. I hate her, I hate her so much but I hated mum more. Why? Why did she have to die? Why did she put me before herself? Why? Just why?
I sprang up, throwing the chair out of my way, "William!!" Dad shouted but I didn't care, grabbing my stuff and storming out of the house.
"Don't worry dad. I'll take care of him." I heard at my back.
I thought I had gotten used to it but I haven't. I couldn't. Each time I saw them being all lovey-dovey and playing family, I just snap. I'd heard her one day, suggesting shipping me off to boarding school but dad once again declined, that was the one time I'd wished he listened to her. It was better than this, this torture of seeing them together while knowing he'd forgotten my mum. He's rightful wife.
"Hey dork, wait up." I heard Parker yell, that was the last thing on my mind, I guess he ran to catch up to me. "Don't disrespect my mum. She made you a meal, you should have it." He warned. I wanted to yell back, 'his whole existence was disrespecting my own mum!!' but I said nothing, just ignored him, walked past him and past the bus stop where I knew he wouldn't follow.
I walked the whole way to school, not in the mood to sit in the same bus or even stay in the same earth with him. I half wanted to go up the rooftop the moment I got to school but taking a walk helped calm and clear my head.
Thankfully, I had no class with Parker till lunch, just one after. I could handle that. One day I had all classes with him, I'd wanted to barf, that had been the worst torture, seeing him more than half the day.
What got me worrying more than it should it should was Liam, he wasn't in school, his question yesterday kept ringing in my head, he couldn't have---it can't be that worse. When no one came around asking questions like the cops, I relaxed a bit.
The rooftop didn't feel the same, his presence was missing. I marvelled at how much it affected me. The comfortable silence wasn't there instead the air felt heavy. I was already coming up here way before he joined but weirdly, I wished he was here. For once I wasn't admiring the scenery but wondering if I could see where he was in the infinity but didn't know he was there.
Youxi🦋💙
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