章節 41: Slaughter Swamp
The bell at the door jingled, announcing our arrival, and from behind the mannequins dressed in ready-made clothes came the cheerful voice of the proprietor:
"I'm coming, I'm coming.
After a couple of seconds Bill's disheveled hair showed, and then he himself, dressed in a dark blue vest and the same pants.
"Mr. Arkham, Miss Quinzel!" The man exclaimed when he spotted our couple. - Good to see you. One second, I'll get my suit.
That's right, Alan had paid for an extra closet item, but the constant running around made me lose track of it.
I didn't have to wait long, and in five minutes I was already trying on the clothes, which fit just right, but didn't constrict my movements. Naturally, Bill couldn't do with the simple banality, so the suit, though it looked classic, was not devoid of individuality either, having small red inserts that created a peculiar pattern on the black background.
"Why didn't you tell me you were walking with a cane now?" The man shook his hands amusedly as he saw me deftly twirling the additional accessory in my hand. - Okay, there are a couple of changes to be made. Wait, what will your companion be wearing?
"Harley?" I turned to the girl, who was excitedly examining my new outfit.
"А? I've got a nice dress at home.
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Bill shook his head vigorously, "you must shine at the fundraiser! Just imagine: you and your companion waltzing slowly in perfectly complementary outfits, as if you were two halves of one whole. All eyes will be on you, and I just can't let my work be called shoddy!
"How do you know about tonight?" I looked suspiciously at the owner of the atelier. I don't think there's been an official announcement about it yet.
"How from where? The earth is full of rumors, and I can even tell you that it is very likely that the celebration will take place at the Wayne family estate.
"To hell with all this!" My beloved interrupted our conversation, looking expectantly at the fashion designer. - Where do I sign in blood?
"Ha hahah, don't go to extremes, all I need is 2k and take measurements.
"Mr. J?" The girl looked at me with a pleading look, knowing full well our not yet happy financial situation, for no compensation had come from Strange, and so it was foolish to spend the only funds we had.
What is she doing to me?! I just can't say no to her, and besides, I could always follow Leroy's example and expropriate the money from the robbers themselves, or squeeze Alan's well-deserved millions that have already been deposited into his account. It's settled.
"We agree. - I said, and I immediately had to pick up the adorable blonde who threw herself at me. After a couple of minutes, we had to stop kissing because of the noise of the sewing machine Finger had started, realizing we were getting too carried away.
After returning my costume for refinishing, I sat down in the visitor's chair, determined to work on my game, but almost immediately I had to leave my cozy spot when I heard Harley's indignant voice.
"What are you doing?!
"But, Ms. Quinzel, how else am I going to get the measurements?
"Do it without touching.
"What's going on here?" I asked, stepping behind the racks of fabric.
"That old man was groping my ass!" The girl indignantly jabbed her finger at the confused designer, who held a measuring tape in his hand. - The only people allowed to do that are Mr. J... And Ivy... And Babs.
"I won't be able to take the exact measurements, and the dress will fit crooked... - The man looked very upset.
"Give it here," my assistant selected the measuring tool, wrapping it around her hips, "right?
The owner of the atelier walked closer with a heavy sigh, looking closely at the values and writing them down in a small notebook:
"What a difficult customer you are. - Then a happy smile reappeared on his face. - But this will be even more interesting!
The modeler began to command with redoubled zeal, occasionally engaging me when Harley needed to stand up straight.
Ugh, I was afraid he was going to take offense and stop making clothes for me. That would suck, because I was used to quality suits and I wasn't about to give them up.
Twenty minutes later we were done, and I turned to Bill with a question about the cylinder.
"Hmm, although the headgear doesn't require too precise parameters, I need to know roughly what you want to get.
"Something like this, but more feminine. It's a gift for someone I know. - I said, pulling out my headdress from my hero costume. - She's an illusionist and performs magic tricks.
"Hmm..." He looked critically at the handed over item. - Doesn't it require a cylinder of a special configuration?
"No, a standard one will do. - I remembered about the ribbon with the burned-out runes: what if it was made of a special material?" Only she would make the tape on the cylinder herself, about five centimeters thick.
"What color is the ribbon?
"Dark purple.
"It'll be ready by tonight, but your costumes are about a week away.
"Thank you, Bill.
After parting with the modeler on a good note, Harley and I headed for the next waypoint on the route, namely toward the marshes where the agent should meet us.
***
Yeah... we haven't gotten this far into the ass end of town yet...
In front of us stood a darkened and creased sign that read: "Slaughter Swamp. Encouraging... What else can I say?
There was no public transportation here, so we had to get here on our own.
Just beyond the sign was a broken track filled with mud. The sky was covered with heavy black clouds, through which rare rays of sunlight barely broke through. The surrounding trees were already completely leafed out, completely stripped of any bright colors.
An owl hooted in the depths of the swamp, spooking him.
Opening the message from the agent, I read that she was waiting for us in a small clearing, if you go to the right from the inscription. Following the instructions, we did indeed come to a more or less picnic area, where a brunette in a white office suit was sitting at a table, working on her laptop, and an SUV was parked nearby. This choice of clothing, in my opinion, is not the best choice, because the site is a bit further away and there is hardly a normal route there.
"Mr. Arkham?" The girl said questioningly, looking away from the monitor screen. - But why me, it's hard not to recognize you. - She smiled welcomingly, extending her hand. - Maria Hill.
"It's a pleasure. As you may have gathered, Jay Arkham and Harleen Quinzel. - I introduced my trusty assistant. - Well, I don't think it's too long to show you the site. - I glanced up at the dark clouds that were about to rain.
"Of course, please follow me. - Maria, putting the laptop into her shoulder bag, got up from the table and strode straight toward the trees surrounding the clearing. - Are you coming?
"Yeah... - I nodded uncertainly.
Shit, I thought we were gonna take a car ride, but here we are.
Following the agent through the gloomy forest, slowly turning into a swamp due to the presence of water covered with cassava, I did not leave the question: our escort is not very embarrassed that she is now in the company of two ex-criminals going somewhere in the forest?
I looked at the back of the girl, who, deftly jumping from bump to bump, was walking briskly toward the intended goal.
Apparently not...
Hell, what if she's a maniac?! A normal person wouldn't go out into the swamps with the most unreliable elements.
Zee's words that we could participate in the sacrifice now, and not as spectators, came to mind. My body shuddered.
Harley clearly didn't share my worries, calmly pacing beside me and twirling her head around in an attempt to memorize landmarks. At least I hoped so.
Suddenly the agent ahead froze, standing on the root of a centuries-old tree.
"They came. - She turned around, a strained smile shining on her face.
I gripped my cane tighter, preparing to sell my life for more, but I wasn't really prepared for the next events.
"This place is perfect for a young family! Ecologically clean area away from the factories and cars poisoning the city. Excellent infrastructure: there is a large shopping center, a kindergarten, a school and a hospital... just eight kilometers that way. - The girl waved somewhere to the northeast, where we came from. - It's working. - From a small purse, she pulled out a big phone with a retractable antenna. - See, two whole divisions, and that's with the cloudy sky.
Okay, I think it's satellite.
"A beautiful view from the window of the future house. - The realtor waved her arms wide, urging me to look around.
I looked around for him: bare trees, withered gray grass, marshy marsh... Well, basically, some Addams Family would be thrilled.
The brunette continued her speech, more like campaigning:
"But most importantly: no annoying neighbors, so if you want, you can have noisy parties that no one will complain about or call the police!
"Uh... Great, we'll take it. - I still said, after I got over the shock, we don't really care about any of that, and this place is just for legalizing money. Although maybe Ivy can use her magic to make it all better.
The delighted Maria immediately pulled out the contract and a copy, which I decided to peruse, noticing her slight nervousness.
"Now, what's this paragraph?!" I indignantly poked at the small handwriting at the very bottom.
"Ignore it - it's just advice.
"Yes, but it says here that it is advisable not to use noisy machinery or change the landscape much!
"Okay, you got me, there's a Swamp Thing in here, so you shouldn't make any noise or it will be very angry.
Man, I totally forgot about that monster. Now I understand the almost throwaway price of land.
And in fact, no one will really complain about the parties: the owner of these places will just come and twist off the head, and the police, most likely, will not even look for the missing person, knowing the futility of the search.
Hmm... It seems that the creature lives somewhere deep in the swamps, besides, I don't plan to do construction work here for a long time, a couple of days will be enough, but there's a small profit to be made from this fact.
"You know, Maria, you did a very bad thing. Now we have to rent more expensive equipment and hire more people to do everything by hand. I'd like to get a discount for that, like thirty percent.
"Okay, Mr. Arkham. - The agent answered immediately.
Somehow she was quick to agree, I should have dropped to fifty, but what the hell.
The girl made corrections to both contracts, which I immediately signed and wrote a check for the correct amount.
"That's fine. All the necessary paperwork will be submitted to the land trust today. Would you like me to escort you out?
I looked around at the leafless trees surrounding us:
"That would be nice.
It's time to go back and look for employees. I have some vague doubts that they will be easy to find, given the information we have received.
My intuition didn't fail me: as soon as the companies found out where exactly the work would be carried out, they either charged a hefty price tag or simply refused to cooperate. We had to rent a powerful pump and equipment for its transportation, capable of driving off-road.
I decided not to put the matter off, since there was still plenty of time before the evening, and my favorite assistant and I went to get everything we needed. Minus three thousand and three hundred bucks I had to pay the driver, because neither Harley nor I had a license to drive such a vehicle.
The return trip to Slaughter Swamp was much more fun, as the car took us to our site marked on the map, but the GPS was relatively good here, unlike the communications. After the delivery, our driver promptly ran back down the passageway, noticing that I, dressed in an orange robe and gloves, was busy lowering the pump hose into the water at the higher or lower section.
"Mr. J, are you sure?" The blonde asked as I was about to hit the pump button.
"Well, what can we do? Let it run for about fifteen minutes, and then we'll head back. I doubt anyone would try to steal such a remarkable piece of equipment.
"I mean Swamp Thing.
"Ahhhh, I don't think he'll respond quickly. - I waved it off, turning on the pump.
The noise created immediately scared away all the surrounding birds, which with indignant cries hurriedly flew away from the place that had become inhospitable.
As a small precautionary measure, I replaced the cane's headstock by attaching a harpoon to it so I could fight back from a distance in case of trouble, although napalm would have come in handy here rather than a taser stick.
The device, humming, pumped out water, and I, holding the girl, watched a small funnel of water, sitting on a fallen tree trunk.
The pump, though it rumbled, was calming and made a pleasant background noise.
When fifteen minutes had passed, I quietly turned off the tech, turning to Harley with a smile.
"There you go, and you were afraid. Fifteen minutes, no problem. It's right behind me, isn't it?
My faithful companion, turning even more pale, only nodded weakly, looking somewhere behind and above me.
"Huh!" I turned around, resting my nose on the big monster's belly button. It was a good thing he wasn't bigger, or it would have been awkward.
A green-gray, powerful body covered in mud and moss. It looked like it was made of many vines. Its shape resembled that of a human, but it was three and a half meters tall... Fucking primarch, and the color partially matched. It wore a hood on its head that resembled an executioner's hood, made up of intertwined plant stalks. His red eyes, with a black pupil in the middle, looked at me with gastronomic interest and did not favor peaceful conversation. His nostrils, more like slits, flared menacingly, drawing in air with a whistling sound. It looked like he... she... well, the thing was pissed.
Should we spend the free points by throwing them all into the first start? Or is it better to pump charisma? Too bad there's no such item in the system.
I grabbed my cane more comfortably, expecting to jump at the moment of the shocker, because the ground was wet and it was unclear how the discharge would behave.
"Friend of nature, why are you making noise?" With a murmur, the monster said, crouching down slightly.
"Uh, uh, friend?
When did I become a friend of nature? I don't recall Joker accomplishing anything like that.
"You smell like flowers and grass. - The monster explained.
Wait... Ivy?!
Cool, so by having sex with a dryad, I'm immune from Swamp Thing attacks. I wonder if when I have sex with Babs, I'll be immune from the police.
I don't think it's likely Gordon will try to twist my head off... But with the Amazons, it could work!
The pause has gone on long enough that I should probably say something.
"I've got some water to pump out, maybe build a little house later.
"Mrx. - The creature lifted its head, surveying the area. - Nature's friend would help later.
I didn't even have time to be indignant, as this green monster touched the ground with his hands, and the swamp began to rapidly recede. At the same time, the tree standing there increased in size five times, and a huge hollow appeared in it.
Who the fuck told me to say that?!
And now it will be necessary to help, the favor has already been done... And although it was not done on my initiative, I don't want to argue with the monster, especially on his territory.
Finished arranging his surroundings, the monster stood up, looking at me carefully.
"Kill the immortal. He's disturbing the forest. The forest doesn't like it.
Fucking great! What did I sign up for?! All right, as a true hero, I'll try to clean up other people's messes for a small profit, ha ha ha ha.
"Who is he, what does he look like, where does he live?
"You call him Solomon Grundy. - The creature raised its head, looking up at the sky. - He will awaken when the shadow of the moon falls on the earth.
Okay, he's probably talking about the next lunar eclipse, I think it was on the morning news.
"Don't you think that your requests don't match the service provided?
The creature glared at me silently, and I did the same. What's more, I'm going to put a zombie to rest for the fact that this green dick pumped out the water and mutated the tree. Ivy could do that, too, and she'd do it for free!
"Mrch, what do you want?" The creature has surrendered.
"I can make noise and generally do whatever I want on this acre of forest.
The green monster froze as if listening to something.
"Alright," he prophesied, "after killing the immortal, this land will be yours, but don't you dare harm the surrounding forest!
"That's the deal. - I shook him by his huge paw.
Great, now we have to somehow put the immortal to rest... Okay, tomorrow we'll go to the enchantress and I'll ask her advice on this.
Eh, still my long tongue would get me into trouble someday... Though without it, Ivy would hardly like me so much.
While I was indulging in my thoughts, Swamp Thing turned his attention to Harley, who had approached.
"You're a friend of nature, too. You smell like a sun-drenched meadow. - A moment later, a beautiful snow-white flower with a pleasant fragrance grew on his huge palm. - Here, a gift, it will never wither. - The forest protector handed the plant to the girl.
Wait, he's hitting on her?!
"Oh, that's so sweet. - Harlequin took the gift, pinning it to her hair.
Geez, well Zee said you shouldn't take magical things from people you don't trust, and this green donjuan looks fucking suspicious.
"All right, well, we get it, and we're gonna keep it quiet. Bye-bye. - I gently began to push the huge carcass toward the center of the swamp.
With a snort, Swampy turned and wandered to the nearest water to silently plunge into it, disappearing from sight.
* The swamp of doom
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