章節 34: Hope and Catastrophe
Martin, surprisingly, was doing quite well. His broken heart was tied with string before it hit the pavement and broke to pieces. The wound was there and it hurt, but his anxiety for Steve kept him from feeling sorry for himself.
Steve has always been a strong guy in Martin's eyes. He had a strong, dominant personality and hands that took what they wanted. Yesterday, however, he saw a different face of him, which caused a different kind of emotion in mechanic.
Paxton rejected Martin, a fact, but it didn't take him two minutes to run after him and stop him. Why did he do it? He should let him go, just like that, severing all previous relationships with him. Nevertheless, Steve followed him and he was clearly nervous. Did that mean that somewhere in Paxton's heart there was room for Martin after all?
Steve admitted that he had not been with a man in three years. Who knows what experiences he had before? Jack said Paxton reacted very negatively to his proposal to have sex together. So maybe Steve actually had trouble accepting his gay side? Since he had been abstinent for three years, it must have been difficult for him now to admit to himself that he was showing interest in the same sex again. Was that why he so vehemently denied it?
For Martin, it was a very plausible argument. After all, he had trouble accepting his feelings himself, and he only did it because it was Steve.
Martin felt he was more important to Paxton than the driver would admit to himself. He had no factual arguments to support this theory, no evidence, but the heart doesn't need them. The heart is based not on rational evidence but on faith. So for Martin, the mere fact that Steve ran after him and stopped him from leaving was proof enough.
But then something happened to Seve. Then Martin thought it was indigestion or poisoning. Later, it's either exhaustion or stress. On the way home, however, his imagination started to produce the darkest scenarios, making the boy lose his mind out of anxiety. What if Steve is really sick? What if his illness is really serious, even life-threatening?
Only when today he saw him alive and well, ready for training, was Martin able to calm down. He felt so relieved that his heart that had broken yesterday began to heal.
Steve might not love him, he might reject the thought of having a relationship with a man, but at least he felt good. It was the most important thing.
Even Don Alston, who was due to appear on the track for the first time today in the colors of the Fergus Stables, did not spoil Martin's mood. Alston can boast that he turned pro, but Martin was the first to ride here. On top of that, Don could do wonders on the track, but when Paxton showed up, the newcomer had no chance. Steve was just beyond any competition.
Martin watched the cars racing around the track with joy and regret. It pained him that Paxton had rejected him without even giving them a chance, but the truth was that Martin couldn't make any promises to himself. He could only dream.
"You'll miss it, huh?" Allen asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Yes," admitted Martin. He wasn't thinking about racing at this point, but about Paxton. He will miss him.
"You're a really good mechanic, albeit a rookie. I don't want to give you any hope, but I talked to old Fergus about you ... "
Martin shook his head.
"The stable doesn't need any more mechanics," he replied, "I know that well. I knew about it from the beginning. I should look for a more permanent job. "
"For sure? Old Fergus said ... "
„For sure," smiled Martin. "It was a really beautiful adventure, but I have to move on. Don't worry, I'm young and talented, I can find a job everywhere. It's time for new experiences. "
'It will be better for my heart anyway,' he added mentally. 'Away from Steve.'
"Pity," Allen sighed.
"Not for me. I am grateful for these two months. More than you think. "
It was true. The experiences of this period were pure madness for Martin, but there is method in all madness. Martin experienced humiliation and pain, but also hope and something he couldn't even define. It was all because of one man he had sincerely hated and sincerely loved during that time, Steve Paxton.
Martin had no idea love could be so complicated. Is all love full of bitterness, pain, ecstasy and anxiety, or just his?
Soon it won't matter anymore. Steve rejected him, and when they stop seeing each other at work, their paths would part forever. Martin will be able to try to make a life with someone else. Just not with Ami. It's a pity because she's a really lovely girl, but more of a friend than a lover. The boy hoped that after the categorical separation with Steve, his body would also return to normal and that no unpleasant and humiliating adventure would happen to him.
Suddenly there was a commotion among the mechanics. Martin looked around anxiously to see Karl Walton approaching Abe. Karl's face was terribly pale.
"Get Steve off the track."
The command was abrupt and surprised everyone. Nobody understood what was happening.
"Did something happen?" Allen asked. "Steve is doing great and this is just the beginning ..."
"Just do what I say!" then he calmed down and added, "It's private. Steve will not be training for the next few days. "
It was unexpected. Excluding the driver from training shortly before the season starts? A murmur of unease spread among the mechanics.
Martin felt his heart leap into his throat. Is it because of what happened yesterday? Did Martin cause too much stress on the driver with his attempt to get close to Paxton? Is that why he is taken off the track? Is it his fault?
Allen didn't argue anymore. He called Steve back over the radio. He wasn't here to make decisions.
Steve obediently returned to the garage. He calmly got out of the car and took off his helmet. He looked more curious than angry. Apparently he hadn't expected anything bad. He looked around at the crowd and looked at Karl Walton. Karl didn't say a word, just looked at Steve. The driver's face suddenly turned deathly pale and the helmet fell from his hands and rolled on the ground.
Paxton didn't even say a word. He looked like a ghost, however, and with a ghastly movement pushed Karl aside, broke through the crowd and stumbled out of the garage. Those who remained were shocked at the scene.
"Get back to work," Walton growled. "You have one more driver on the track."
Yes, it was true, there was also Alston on the track and the mechanics had to take care of Steve's abandoned machine as well. Whatever happened in Paxton's life, it wasn't the mechanics thing. They had their own job.
Martin, however, was unable to return to work. His heart was beating too hard. Something was wrong with Steve, and he couldn't just stand by and pretend he didn't care. He had to do something, whatever, otherwise he would go crazy!
Without asking anyone's permission, Martin followed Karl.
"Mr. Walton, wait!" he called after him.
"What do you want?" he asked irritably. "I do not have time right now."
"Mr. Walton" Martin had already caught up with him. "What happened to Steve?"
"These are Steve's personal affairs, not yours."
"I know, but, but ..."
To the mechanic's surprise, Karl actually stopped and sighed heavily with resignation. He scowled at the younger man.
"Tell me, do you love Steve after all this?" He asked.
"What? I? After all? What do you mean? "
"Steve. What he did to you. You should hate him. You should despise him. Can you really love him? "
Martin felt that he had turned all red. This conversation was so embarrassing! Karl, however, apparently knew about everything, and since Martin wanted to extract confidential information from him, he had to give something of equal value himself.
"Yes," he boldly admitted, but he felt tears in his eyes. "I do not understand this. I don't really understand it, but yes! I have always admired him, he has always been my idol, but when I got to know him better ... Steve is not perfect. He's cruel and mean sometimes, but I can't help it that I love him. "
"Even if he can never love you? Even then you will love him? "
"Yes! I know it's weird, maybe it's naive, but ... I want him to be happy. Even if it's at my expense. "
"One day you may regret it."
"Maybe yes maybe no. But today I am so worried ... "
Karl sighed again.
"There has been a very sick person in Steve's life for the past three years. This person was very important to him. Steve watched her life grow weaker every day. This person died this morning. "
"Oh!" exclaimed Martin anxiously.
"The story between them is long and painful. Steve's life has been overshadowed for many years. I think Steve likes you too, but because of Hannah ... "
"Hannah" Martin repeated softly. "Was that his girlfriend?"
"No. As I said, it's a long and painful story that I shouldn't tell you. "
"I understand," admitted the young mechanic.
"Steve is going to have a very difficult time right now. He's unlikely to be nice these days. For your own good, you shouldn't go near him now. "
"But ..." he wanted to object, but he lacked arguments. He wanted to be with Paxton, he wanted to be a safe place for him, even if it was unpleasant for him. Martin just wanted Steve to be happy. "Does not matter. If it helps him in this difficult time, it really doesn't matter. I want to be with him. "
"You will do as you like, but don't say I did not warn you." Karl was on his way.
"Mr. Walton!" Martin called after him. "Thank you!"
Karl didn't stop, didn't answer, just casually raised his hand to let him know he'd heard.
Martin clenched his fists in determination. He didn't know what he was going to do yet, but he knew he had to do 'something'.
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