章節 17: CHAPTER 17
XAVIER'S POV
Was I dreaming?
The girl, I liked, after knowing everything I did, was kissing me.
My eyes were wide open. I mean, why isn't she leaving?
She should be terrified to be in the same house as a murderer.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize, she had pulled away. Her pale cheeks were tainted red as she looked embarrassed.
"I-I am s-sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Oh God I'm so embarrassed.", She stuttered.
I realized, that I was the one who had embarrassed her. I made her feel like she shouldn't have done that. She got up to leave but when her head looked down, her eyes widened.
Her breaths became heavier as her hand covered her mouth. Panic written all over her face. It was then that I realized she was scared of heights.
Her breaths were ragged as I immediately got up and held her hand. Her fingers latched on tight.
Almost desperately.
"C-can we g-go inside pl-please?"
With her hand in my mine, I took her inside. She sat on my bed as I ran to bring some water. When I got back, Ophelia sat on my bed with her head in her hands. Her shoulders shaking slowly.
"Here, take some water."
She looked up with fear still lurking in her warm, brown eyes. Her shaky hands slowly took the glass as she sipped the cold water.
"Look at me and take deep breaths, okay? You are not on the roof, Ophelia. You are safe, okay?"
If she knew she was this scared of heights, why did she even come to the roof. And how did she sit there for so long listening to the story of how I became a monster.
She started breathing normally as she cleared up her face. Her auburn hair had come down becoming a beautiful mess I admired.
Just like her.
Today I saw Ophelia as a human. Not as some girl I liked or someone who had started to hang out with me.
Just a human with chaos filled in her head. It was obvious she had had a panic attack. I wondered whether this was a one time thing or something that happened often.
"I guess, some more embarrassment was coming my way. I am so sorry you had to deal with a mess like me. I mean, I am not normally this scared of heights. My anxiety triggers it sometimes. I am just really sor-"
I pulled her into a hug. She didn't need to apologize for being who she was. Everyone's a mess. Some just show it while others are good at hiding it.
Her hesitating arms wrapped around me as her tense body relaxed. Her head rested against my chest.
With her in my arms, I felt my racing heart finally pause at peace. I felt complete.
I didn't know what loving someone felt like but I was sure that Ophelia was too good for someone like me. Loving someone is believing that they will love you the way you love yourself.
But that's the thing with love. Even that comes with a list of terms and regulations. As long as you don't love yourself, their love won't be enough.
No matter what.
And for a monster like me, love was an enigma.
An enigma that I wouldn't ever get to experience.
I let go of Ophelia as she unwrapped her arms. She lifted her head and looked at me with those brown eyes of hers. Every time I looked into them, I found myself in a warm embrace.
"Thank you, Xavier. It means a lot that you don't think I'm a freak."
A freak? More like a phantom to be discovered.
"Don't thank me. Can I ask you something, if you don't mind me?"
I had to know if this was a one time thing or it happened on a regular basis. I had to know if she had demons she was fighting.
The demons I had lost against, a long time ago.
"Yeah sure. Go ahead."
There was this doubt in her eyes. Like I'd ask something that would make her uncomfortable. I knew my question might make things awkward, but I was determined to know. To help her, at least for the time I'm still breathing.
"Did that panic attack happen for the first time? or is it something that happens often?"
Her eyes widened for a second as her hands fumbled.
"I m-mean it didn't happen for the first time. But I'm used to it. Also I'll start taking my pills again. So don't worry."
"What do you mean by 'again'?"
"My nightmares and these panic attacks had stopped a few months ago, so I stopped taking my pills. Nothing happened for sometime. I don't what's triggering them, but I will find out."
Nightmares?
"Why would you stop them, Ophelia? That too even without checking with the doctor. Do you know how bad that can be fo-"
"Look who's talking. You smoke, Xavier! And I don't think that was your first time. Why would you smoke even after knowing all the consequences, huh?
I didn't think she would care about that. I mean no one has ever. But how could I tell her that I didn't smoke because it made me forget, like the others did.
I didn't smoke because I enjoyed it.
I didn't.
I hated it.
I smoked because it took me a few steps closer to death.
I smoked because I wanted to die.
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