章節 7: Never Again
𝑶𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒃𝒆𝒓 23, 1995
𝑫𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒐
I had walked into Alchemy and the smell of metal infested my nose, and I winced at it.
The weekend felt long and painful but I'm sure I'm the only one who felt like this. And coming to class was the last thing I wanted. Because how could I be sitting here without having said a word to Rose since she got here? And all 𝑠ℎ𝑒'𝑠 told me is to go to hell.
It's something I hoped wouldn't be the first thing she said to me but once again I deserved it. It made my world black and white like how it did when she died. And these two colors haven't faded away, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of hurting.
But I can't care, I need to stop thinking of her and focus on my studies and Quidditch. The need to make my father proud takes over my body on instinct. Every other thought dissipates now that I focus on Alchemy.
And the hour goes by slowly since I finish the assignment early, but distractions make it less irritable. The gossiping was my escape for humor.
Hearing ridiculous stories that girls whisper is hilarious. Either because of what they say or the fact they need to gossip about it—it's pathetic. Resorting to spread information tells me you're wicked and untrustworthy, a vile person.
Someone I want to avoid. Because those people are what brought me the annoyance of girls trying to sleep with me.
My one night with Parkinson became known to her friends, and then their friends knew. It's a cycle no one can break and I became stuck. I only gave her what she wanted for months, and I wanted to get rid of my inexperience. It was convenient.
But whispers in the castle that I shag nightly have not stopped. I haven't been in bed with a girl since Parkinson. Every girl who approached me with the idea of sex, I turned down.
So why is it that the rumors still exist?
And I can't help but want them to never reach Rose's ears. If they do, I'll stitch whosever mouth shut that told her.
Fuck this got me in a bad mood.
Suddenly the bell rang and people stood but my belongings were still on the desk. I shove them in my bag as neatly as I can and when I look up from the bag, Nott and Zabini stand with arms crossed—waiting.
I roll my eyes seeing their impatience. "You fuckers don't need to wait if you're gonna be sour about it,"
I walk to the door and they follow going to either side of me, and Nott, to my right, only grins. It almost made me smile seeing his smug face but then he playfully shoved my shoulder. I do the same, only harder.
Blaise seems annoyed. So the one thing to do was annoy the 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑡 out of him. I give a glance to Theo, my eyes indicating mischief and he smirks. I signal to Blaise.
"Ohhh Blaise," drawled Theo, and I bit my lip not to laugh.
Zabini sighed and then looked. Nott began to make a stupid funny face, something not laughable but for some reason, I couldn't contain a deep chuckle. When Zabini looked impassive, Theo's hands shot out to go to Blaise's stomach.
Theo's hands were immediately slapped away. "If you fucking touch me I will end you,"
I smiled and Theo scoffed. "Alright, Miss dramatic much."
Zabini glared at him and did nothing else, he kept walking with a frown at Theo. It only made him squirm until we reached DADA. And Umbridge's face made 𝑜𝑢𝑟 faces fall. God, I hated her but I need to be on her good side.
It's the only thing stopping me from bashing her head in.
When we get to our seats the bell rings and she immediately starts the lecture.
She made a good class the most boring of all, it's almost like I'm sitting in Divination. But I'm not—Umbridge's shrill voice hurts my ears as she explains the five signs of a werewolf. She hates them, wants them gone, and momentarily forgets the lesson to say she is the drafter of the anti-werewolf legislation.
"These half-breeds are vile and dangerous. If you ever encounter one the only chance you have is to hide and hope it doesn't find you. Even in human form, they're unstable,"
"That's not fair," a soft yet stern voice said, and everyone turned to look at the door. It closed and there stood Rose, holding her school bag close to her chest.
My heart leaped out of my chest. Never in my life have I been so scared for someone because we all know what happens when you talk back to Umbridge. But this fear for someone is familiar, and I almost scoffed because this fear is what she made me feel in first year.
Now she has the audacity to make me feel it again four years later.
That won't do.
I look back at Umbridge, her eye twitches with annoyance. "And why is that, Miss 𝑃𝑜𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟,"
I turn my head, and Rose gulped. "I've been doing my best to learn about this world—and werewolves along with 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 others are looked down upon. They didn't choose that life so—so it's not fair to lock them up or hate them for uncontrollable matters."
My heart somehow swelled, I don't know why I'm smiling like an idiot. I don't know why I am proud of her for speaking up and actually answering. She might not know the repercussions right now but still, she's got balls.
And the fact that she barely knows us, knows of everything that exists, she is backing up a species she has no real idea of. No further research on the way they're infected or how to prevent a human from dying of the bite, she doesn't know the 𝑣𝑖𝑐𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠 animals they become every full moon.
No one knows what they think when transformed.
This is why my heart swelled. That is why I keep smiling.
"Well, if you care for these half-breeds so much why don't you meet me after school, before dinner, to...𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑘," Umbridge beams. "Yes?"
The classroom was deadly still, and it reminded me of when I'm at Malfoy Manor. But Rose only nodded and even apologized for being late, said she got lost. And went straight to the empty seat next to Weasley One.
It irritated me to see her with that dingus. But either way, everything she did irritates me. I can't let this feeling take over.
So as the day went by, the worst Monday in existence, and I saw her again. And again. The second time was lunch, I had an 𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑧𝑖𝑛𝑔, a 𝑟𝑖𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑜𝑢𝑠 fantastic view of her. It's like the universe was playing games, letting me see her at every turn.
I couldn't eat—again.
The third time was later at night in my last class, astronomy. The darkness in the castle was eerie and it felt more spooky since Halloween was on its way and people were reeling. They wanted mischief, they wanted to be free and let loose. They want to fucking party.
And since Halloween ended up on a Tuesday, of all days, the party is on Saturday. But if someone ever accused me of being excited about the party, or being excited about Halloween I'd deny it.
I don't care if I 𝑎𝑚 excited, they don't need to know that. They don't need to know Halloween is my favorite day of the year.
The fucked up thing is I don't care about the candy or horror, I want the costumes. I want to look different and 𝑏𝑒 different because it's the one night I can become something else.
Someone other than a Malfoy.
I can change into a zombie, a murderer, or a skeleton... It's what I always am, a skeleton. I paint the bones of my face white and surround them with black paint, I wear black gloves. I add on an all-black suit, letting my loose curls free.
It's the only time I show my curls to the world because my father never liked them so I was made to hide them. And it stuck. I always make sure to slick back my hair or use a spell to temporarily straighten it.
But what's funny is that my father never did all of that, he made my mother hide them because doing all of this, using the spells 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙𝑠 use was pathetic. It was unfortunate to him I needed those spells.
Well, it's unfortunate for me that I now feel uncomfortable with my curls, it's his fault I feel like a girl fixing my hair like this.
It's all ℎ𝑖𝑠 fucking fault. Always his.
When I made it to the top of the astronomy tower, the darkness was my blanket of protection, and students were already there.
It made me stiffen when I see the first person. I hate that my eyes always find her. I hate that even in a crowd, even when I can't see her, I 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤 she's there. I could feel her, feel her eyes meet mine.
I scowl, all the disturbing thoughts of my father gone now that I see her. But it doesn't calm my annoyance because looking at her reminds me of everything.
I don't want to remember the pain or who I was, even who 𝑠ℎ𝑒 was. No matter how hard I look into her eyes, they're blank. There is no recognition. But my breath shortens, my heart beats faster, and my hands get clammy—because she looks into my eyes.
The simple action has me going crazy, so how would I feel when we talk? And notice how I said 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 and not 𝑖𝑓? There is no if, we are going to talk, even if I have to force her.
No one is here to stop me. And I just want one conversation with her and I'm done. It's all I ever wanted to do since she died. I wanted to thank her, I wanted to apologize, I wanted to hold her. But if I do all these things she'd shove me away, she'd never talk to me again.
But it's all I want to say to her, so if she ignores me after...I'll be okay with that.
The eye contact was long gone and class has never felt like a cage in so many years. Being here with the sole person who made my surroundings 𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒 has me wishing I could be in my dorm.
❀𓆙❀
𝑶𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒃𝒆𝒓 28, 1995
A full week of classes with the girl who used to be my best friend and I thought I was done with it. I thought I was tired of her face but that was never the case in first year.
If I wanted to see her 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 day four years ago, what made me think I didn't want to see her every day this year?
I really am pathetic.
So now that the day of the party has come, and my dorm is in chaos because of the preparation, I smile. I can't help but show my excitement to my dorm mates because they feel the same way.
They think I'm happy to get drunk tonight but I'm not. They don't know the real reason. And when I put on the paint, the suit, and then the gloves, I felt different. I felt invisible. And it's what I wanted because I blend with everyone as I leave the dorms.
It became convenient this year's Halloween party was hosted by Slytherin since I walk into my Common Room and my heart pounded.
The music was loud enough to damage my eardrums but that didn't matter. People were dancing to the music thanks to the best spell caster we have in Slytherin. They made it possible for no one to hear this if they passed by the Common Room.
When the group of us, me, Nott, Zabini, Pike, and Flint, reach the crowd we separate. Only Nott, Zabini, and I stay together. Theo drags me into the 'dance floor' and I just stood there not knowing what to do for a second.
"Come on, Malfoy! Move your dainty little hips!" he shouted and I laugh out loud, the laugh faded into the music.
Zabini bumps me, indicating for me to dance with them. Slowly, I move side to side and then to the beat, going faster. The song felt like it was in my veins and once I got a drink in my hand, and alcohol in my system I didn't care.
I let loose. I could feel the start of drunkness, is that even a word? I smile, I don't know.
My brain is liquid as we dance and the alcohol kept coming, making this night even better. My eyes couldn't piece together the forms of the people around me, I just knew warm bodies accidentally hit mine.
It made me grimace and want to get away from the crowd, I don't want them to touch me. So I shout something to Nott, not knowing if he heard but I leave anyways. I finish the rest of the Firewhiskey as I land on a green couch.
I throw the cup somewhere, immediately regretting the action so I widen my eyes, my vision blurry as I reach out my hands to search. I hit something and grab it, but it's not a cup.
I blink repeatedly and follow the 𝑙𝑒𝑔 I accidentally grabbed, but when I see the body and face that connects to the leg, I'm disappointed. But why am I disappointed? My brain was hoping for a certain redhead.
Parkinson smirks, a feline look to it. "Why is the guy who keeps rejecting me, groping me?"
I bring my hand to my lap quickly as if her skin burned. I don't want to be touching her like that again. So I scowl weakly at her, the action hard to do while buzzed.
"And this guy will keep rejecting you." I forget to apologize for grabbing her but her pettiness has me second-guessing.
She pouts and moves closer, I sigh. "Oh come on, it was fun," She took my chin forcefully and caresses my cheek. "You know it was too."
I laugh. "It was," I sit taller and look down at her, too close for comfort. And she gulps, a glimmer of desire in her eyes like that night, I only smile. "But it was a one-time thing."
I stand, not wobbling like I had hoped, and walk away. This party became boring too quickly, but I know it's only ruined because of Parkinson. So I stay away from her and it took me a while to find my friends, but before I did I could feel a prick on my forehead.
It wasn't hurtful, it was a sign and it was the feeling of being watched. I look through the crowd, trying not to be obvious but I had to. There are too many people.
And when I find them, ℎ𝑒𝑟, she looks at me intensely. Almost differently, and it made my heart leap—I felt something other than despair because she can't stop looking, neither can I. And when I take her in, I notice her costume.
She wears all black, just a simple shirt but with tight leather jeans. Now that had me reeling. But when I saw the cat ears adorning her head and the black little dot on her nose, I couldn't help but smile.
She looked—adorable.
Her hair was curled and gracefully let go, it looked like a dark red under the darkness. So alluring and devilish, just my type. Her green eyes were a contrast to the darkness, it made her face stand out, and her freckles were like scattered stars.
So beautiful, and this beauty I'd have let ruin me again and again. Until I was merely star dust because she let me feel the world around me. And I never felt it again after her.
I don't intend to feel it again.
So I turn away from her, my expression having turned cold and I couldn't be in her presence anymore. It became too much. I never want to see her face again after I talk to her.
I don't intend to be heartbroken again.
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