章節 1: 1:Jon
Next time we will see each other, we will talk about your mother.
Ned had barely recalled the promise he had given the boy upon his departure for King's Landing. Back then he had believed that he had years before he would be forced to tell the boy the truth.
"It is beautiful here," Ned said as he stepped into the small grove harboring nine weirwood trees. "It almost feels like home."
"It's here where the recruits from the north swear their vows," Jon explained, his longish face even paler in the bright morning light. It was a Stark face, but his grey eyes were darker and his brown hair reminiscent of his mother rather than Ned or his Uncle Brandon. The boy was all Lyanna, safe for the eyes, his eyes were the eyes of a stranger, a man who Ned hadn't thought about in years. Rhaegar Targaryen, the Last Dragon.
"They forced me to swear my vows before coming here to the Wall," Ned explained in return and stepped closer towards the weirwood trees. "I had no other choice."
The weirwood trees with their crimson leaves stood out against the fresh-fallen snow like a sore wound. Ned had always sought the comfort of the godswood when his mind was filled with doubt, but now he felt only dread.
"Of course not," Jon replied and nodded his head in understanding. "You are no traitor, aren't you?"
Ned nodded his head, feeling ashamed of his lie, but then it had been the only way to save Sansa and Arya, though only Arya had been allowed to return to Winterfell while Sansa remained betrothed to Joffrey.
A greater honor than a traitor deserves, the Queen had told him, but the truth was much colder. Sansa might become Queen, but she would also be a hostage till the end of her days.
He hadn't even been allowed to speak to her before his departure, but his heart filled with dread when he thought of her being wed to Cersei Lannister's bastard. His only hope was that Stannis Baratheon would prevail against the Lannisters and retrieve his girl.
"Father?" the boy's voice snapped him back to the present. "Did you hear what I said?"
Father, Ned thought. He had never thought of himself as the boy's father. It was another lie that had burdened him all these years. A lie Lyanna had forced upon him. No, it is time to tell the boy the truth. Mayhaps it will help to ease my heavy heart.
"I heard you, my boy."
Then, he shook his head and touched the cool bark of the weirwood tree.
"I lied to protect Sansa and Arya. It is all true…Joffrey is a bastard and so are the rest of Cersei's children."
Jon didn't answer at once, his expression as serious and thoughtful.
"I would have done the same. You do not need to feel ashamed, father," Jon replied at last and drew closer, his black cloak swishing after him through the snow. His wolf followed closely, his ruby eyes piercing into Ned's. It felt as if the wolf was able to smell his dirty lie.
"I see," Ned replied and sucked in a deep breath. "But that is not the reason I called you here. You asked me about your mother…," he trailed off, his voice failing him.
The boy's dark eyes widened in hope and fear.
"Who was she?" he asked, his voice drowned out by the howling wind. "Where did you meet her?"
Ned had mulled over this moment a thousand times, but now he didn't know what to say.
"I think we should start at the beginning of the tale…the Tourney of Harrenhall."
"The Tourney of Harrenhall?" Jon asked in confusion. "Is that where you met her?"
"No," Ned replied and forced the words over his lips. "Do you remember the name Howland Reed? He saved my life during the rebellion…"
"Aye," Jon confirmed and brushed his hair out of his face, but the strong wind blew it back into his eyes. "But what does he have to do with my mother?"
"I shall explain it all," Ned promised and braced himself. "Lord Howland Reed is my friend, but my sister Lyanna was even dearer to him. There was a group of squires that attacked Lord Howland Reed on the first day of the tourney and my sister and your Uncle Benjen defended him. Later that night Lyanna had him dressed up in Benjen's clothing and invited him to sit at our table. Sadly, she did much more than that to help him…"
Jon had listened in silence, his eyes growing wider with every word spilling from Ned's lips.
"What did she do?"
"Something very brave," Ned replied in a heavy voice. "She dressed herself up as a mystery knight to defend Howland Reed's honor…the Knight of the Laughing Tree. She was successful, but she also made an unknown enemy that day."
"Was it…," Jon began, his voice barely above a whisper. "Was this enemy Prince Rhaegar Targaryen? Is that why he took her?"
"No," Ned replied and shook his head. "The unknown enemy she made was the Mad King, but the King sent his son to find this mystery knight," he trailed off.
"And then he found her and raped her," Jon finished for him.
It was another lie. A lie Ned had supported to protect this boy from Robert's wrath.
Robert was dead now and all that was left of his legacy was a Lannister bastard.
Mayhaps that was his punishment, Ned thought. For building his throne upon the blood of innocents…Princess Elia and her smothered babes.
And I stood by and watched, Ned knew and was barely able to meet the boy's gaze. Mayhaps that is why the gods punished me.
"That was what I and Robert believed…it was the only thing that made sense to us after Lyanna's sudden disappearance and the fact that Prince Rhaegar crowned her Queen of Love and Beauty," Ned forced the bitter truth over his lips. "We all thought she was abducted, but once all was said and done Howland Reed and I found out the truth. Lyanna was never abducted…she loved the Prince."
"Loved the Prince?" the boy asked and shuddered from head to toe. "I do not understand….What does all this have to do with my mother?"
It didn't surprise Ned that the boy's mind refused to accept the truth.
And yet there was no turning back.
"It matters, because Lyanna was your mother and because Prince Rhaegar took her as his second wife…it was only a vow beneath the weirwood tree, but that wouldn't have mattered to Robert," Ned explained.
The boy didn't speak nor move. He looked as if Ned had poured a bucket of cold water over his head.
"That's a lie," the boy said in utter disbelief, his face growing paler with every passing moment. "You are lying to me, are you not?"
"No," Ned replied and was about to step towards the boy, but his piercing dark eyes stopped him. "It is no lie…Rhaegar Targaryen was your true father."
"So you are telling me that all my life was a lie?" Jon asked, his mouth twisting in pain.
"Why?" the boy demanded know, his voice icy and distant. "Why did you lie?"
"To protect you," Ned gave the boy the reason. "Robert would have killed you like Prince Rhaegar's other children…I had no other choice…," he tried to explain his reasoning, but the boy cut him off.
"Protect me?" the boy asked and started to laugh. It was a laugh filled with pain and resentment. "By treating me like a fool?"
"Robert would have killed you," Ned repeated and tried not to flinch. He had expected such a reaction, but it had been necessary, the only way to honor his promise to Lyanna. "He hated your father too much and Lyanna asked me to protect you…I had no other choice…" he continued, but Jon's snapping voice cut him off.
"You made me believe that I am the sole stain on Lord Eddard Stark's white vest!" the boy choked out angrily and started to flex his hand. "You made me believe that my mother never loved me! How much would it have cost you to tell me at least that!"
Then, the boy stumbled forward and leaned against the tree. A moment of silence passed, before he lifted his head and met Ned's gaze, his dark eyes piercing into him like Valyrian steel.
"All I ever did was to prove my self worthy as your son. That is why I am here…that is why I left everything behind…to no longer be a burden to you…It was all a lie…all a lie," the boy continued to mumble, tears shining in his eyes.
In that moment Ned felt as if he had been thrown back in time to the day his father had informed Lyanna about her betrothal to Robert. There had been much shouting and tears, but even Ned had been surprised by the vitriol Lyanna had shown him when he went to seek her out.
Ned had tried to comfort her, to assure her of Robert's love, but Lyanna had only shook her head.
Love is sweet, dearest Ned, but it cannot change a man's character, she had told him and her words had proven true, though it had taken Ned years to realize it.
Robert had not been the man Ned had believed him to be. Both he and Jon Arryn had been blind to the bitter truth, but giving Robert a crown had been a grave mistake.
"I should have told you," Ned admitted weakly and stepped closer, attempting to touch the boy's shoulder, but he shoved his hand away, a scowling expression taking hold of his face. In that moment the boy looked so much like Lyanna it made his heart ache.
"And what consolation is that to me?" Jon asked him, his voice heavy with bitterness and pain. "I joined the Night's Watch because I thought it was the only place for me and because I believed it would please you…'A honorable calling' you called it, but now I am finally seeing the truth of it all. That was another lie, wasn't it?"
"I did it to protect you," Ned repeated, but he realized then that this explanation wasn't enough for the boy.
"Protect me?" the boy spat at him. "Do you really believe that? You allowed me to come here despite knowing what kind of a place the Night's Watch is. Uncle Benjen warned me, but I didn't listen. I will tell you the real reason…you never wanted to protect me. You wanted to protect King Robert. Why else allow me to join the Night's Watch before telling me the truth? It is awfully convenient, isn't it? By joining the Night's Watch the son of Rhaegar Targaryen would no longer pose a danger to his rule. Did you ever care for me at all or was that another lie?"
The boy had spoken with so much vitriol that Ned was at a loss of word.
He had expected anger, but not these accusations. Jon had always been such a calm boy. Ned had hoped he would understand.
"Mayhaps that was part of the reason," Ned replied. "But my foremost goal was to protect you and our family. Robert would have killed us all had he known truth…," he continued to explain, but the boy cut him off again.
"Our family?" the boy asked, his voice laced with utter disbelief. His cheeks were deeply flushed as he broke into another angry rant "I was never really part of your family. I was always the bastard…to be hidden away and to be send to the Night's Watch. I meant nothing to you…you even allowed your wife to believe this lie. How many years have I endured her cold stares for your sake? She was another reason I left…Gods, I should have told her what I really thought of her when I had the chance. Curse you, Uncle. Curse you, and your damn wife to the seven hells!"
Ned felt like slapped as he watched the boy balance himself against the tree. He was ringing for composure, his massive wolf brushing his head against her his hand.
"Catelyn has nothing to do with this," Ned added once the boy had regained his composure. "I lied to her as well. She tolerated you for my sake. She did it out love."
"Love?" the boy choked out. "The last time I spoke to her she told me that I should have been crippled instead of Bran. So deep goes her love for you, my lord. She wished death upon your blood."
Then, the boy turned around and was about to return to his horse, but in the last moment the boy turned around and flashed him an icy look.
"You are no longer my father. I cast you aside, just as you cast me aside. Do not ever speak to me again."
He needs time, Ned told himself that night. In time he will come to accept his fate.
Thus, he kept his distance and tried his best accept his own fate.
Yet his hopes soon turned to ash when he was called before the Lord Commander.
"Jon Snow is gone," the Old Bear informed him in a grim voice, his bothersome raven seated atop his shoulder. The bird's small black eyes watched Ned as he tried to absorb this piece of information. "He took his horse and left in the middle of the night. He also left his black cloak and the sword I gifted him for saving my life."
Ned could neither speak nor move. Ned brushed his hands over his face, the burden of his failure pressing down on him.
I failed, Lyanna. I failed.
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