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If I Let Go

章節 1: Bodies decending

Looking at my room for the last time made every single fiber of my heart decay. I never knew packing could be this hard because Granny told me to take the necessary things with me, since my childhood room isn't that roomy, compared to my room now.

I'm almost done packing my things. Although, at the moment, I'm sitting on my bed for the last time as I examine my family picture. Dad's arm wrapped around my mom's waist. While Dylan and I sat on the bench, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. We all had this gleaming smile lingering on our faces. I smile at the thought of my dad suggesting we should take a family picture with Dylan since he's like part of our humble family. They have known him for the past three years.

A tear fell onto the black picture frame—it's the tear I've been holding from yesterday that still seems utterly surreal.

It all happened in a flash. I wasn't prepared for it. So were my grandparents. Besides who in the hell would expect such a tragic moment anyway? I closed my eyes as I tried to summon up the vivid incubus from last night, and suddenly all the memories came crashing like waves, drowning me. I hugged the picture frame to my chest as more tears roll down my cheeks towards my chin.

This room used to be my sanctuary and now it feels like an empty space. I've taken off all the posters on the wall even pictures of me, my friends, and Dylan, everything. It seems like my room died with me. I guess life is full of surprises. Today maybe your luckiest day of your life, but then tomorrow it could be your worst nightmare you can possibly ever imagine. Since the day I woke up from the hospital, the intense sensation of being slapped on the face by reality was incredibly unbearable.

It's like all in one day, my life has been hit by a massive hurricane that destroyed everything in its path, and has taken my parents and Dylan with it.

Speaking of Dylan, what happens if we meet again? Am I going to slap his face too? I haven't contact him since last night. And besides, I said my goodbyes. The mere fact that He's probably happy as hell with his new girl anyway. And lastly, the saddest part is I won't receive any calls or text from him since I turned off my phone, probably it'll be off for a pretty long time. I slap myself. Why in the hell am I even thinking about him? He cheated, let go and move forward Felicity. You just can't give up on life, keep fighting. I sigh, it's easier said than done. A part of me still loves him though. I sat on my bed, and stared at the wooden box in front of me. It contained his sweet letters and our pictures together. I'm thinking whether or not I should bring this memory box with me. I resist the urge to go through them and read one of his sweet letters, but I forced myself not to. I wiped my face with my palm.

"Felicity... Darling? Are you done packing? We're going now." Granny says, leaning on the doorframe. I came back to my thoughts.

I looked up at her and averted my gaze to elsewhere. I heavily sigh. "Granny? Could I ask you a favor?"

She looks at me with patience in her eyes. "Sure dear, anything, but make sure Granny could do it. Alright?"

I nodded. "Is it alright if you call me Olivia instead of 'Felicity?" She blinked at me twice as if the words I've asked her wasn't syncing in her brain. She loves my first name. I'm hoping she'd agree to it.

"Your second name?" she stared at me for a second. "Well its fine, I guess." She scratched the tip of her chin. "Well Olivia darling lets go?" She smiled at me and I nodded forcing a smile.

For the last time, I looked back at the house where it used to be called home. Suddenly, a vivid vision materializes, both my parents in the front door waving at me. Ever since when I was a kid and until high school, they always wave at me whenever I leave to get to school every morning. My dad would put his left arm around my mom's shoulders, while my mom would wrap her right arm around dad's waist. They were so perfect. Our family was perfect. Before I turned my back to them, I always give them a flying kiss and they'd pretend they've catch it. I could feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes, but I shook my head not wanting to cry anymore. I'll keep my promise, to be a tough girl since, I'm not a kid anymore. I turned around and saw Granny waving and Gramps in the driver's seat, smiling.

Then I knew this was a new beginning.

I sauntered in the car and didn't dare look back, because I know, one glance, it would rip me apart.

Meanwhile in the car, no one uttered a single word along the way. It was a two hour drive from my parents house to theirs. We used to live with my granny and grandpa but we transferred when I was at the age of six or probably seven, although I couldn't remember what happened in those seven years. I sigh. I glanced at the wooden box beside me. Yes, I've completely lost my mind for bringing this because leaving it or burning it seems so pointless don't you agree? Because the scumbag will always be crossing your mind from time to time. No matter how hard you try to forget, he'll always be a part of you, always, no doubt about it. This is only applicable if you truly love that piece of shit who left you. Ha-ha jokes on me.

"Feli— oh sorry Olivia darling we're here." She say. I glanced out the windshield and the house of my grandparents never changed over the years, however they repainted the house like the color of a daffodil, it used to be blond.

"Olivia? Why not Felicity?" Gramps eyes widen in complete surprise.

"Johnny, if she wants to be called Olivia, it's fine. As long as she's happy alright?" Granny explained.

"Well, I understand. I just like Felicity better. Anyhow Olivia. I'll bring up your things, and your room is still at the upper left corner." He smiled at me and patted my back gently.

"I'll help you gramps, since these are all my things. I won't mind."

His smile brightens up. "That would be great." I took the two medium boxes which wasn't heavy.

As I stepped inside the house, the scent of lavender calmed my mind for a second. It was exactly the same as I remembered, nothing much had changed. Same peanut colored couch, with fluffy pillows and beige color carpet, but the wall was newly coated with a creamy color, it used to be flowery wallpaper. The pictures hanging on the wall was still position in the same place. My eyes suddenly landed on a picture of me and my parents. I was in my mom's lap while and dad where behind me. I'm probably four in there.

"Olivia, here's the key to your room." She handed it to me and I gladly took it. I examined the keys and it has this small pinkish bracelet, there were beads forming a word of my name. I probably made this when I was a kid. Then there were two keys.

"Granny, what's the other key for?" I asked and she turned toward me placing a bouquet of white flowers on top of the kitchen table.

"That's the key for the front door." She smiled.

"Oh...okay, thanks Granny." I said and she nodded in response.

I ascended the stairs slowly hoping not to trip. When I made it to the second floor. I looked for my door. When I found it, there was a word hanging on the mahogany colored door, it says 'HAPPINESS'. I feel the opposite of happiness. I fumble with the keys and unlocked the door.

Just how I remembered my seven year-old room would look like. Sky blue wall, countless art paper of flowers stick on the wall. My little cutie stuff toys arranged on the bed and the flowery bed sheets. Lastly the window that shows the front street. I can't believe Granny kept it the same for the past eleven years. I placed the two boxes in the corner and sat on the bed. She took care of my room. I don't know how to thank her. I felt like a kid again. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, this is all happening, not a dream nor imagination. This is real.

Suddenly I realize, later would be the funeral. I don't want to go, but Granny would drag me out of here. It's the least I could do and besides I don't want to be a pain in the ass. If it wasn't for her. I'd be on my own.

*knock knock* "Come in." I said and sat up.

"Livie here's your dress. Go down when you're ready." She handed it to me and I took it placing it on top of the bed. Before she closed the door I called out "Granny!" The door swiftly opened. "Yes, darling?"

"Thank you for looking after my room." I genuinely smiled. Her mouth curled into a soothing smile. "It's nothing Olivia." She patted my back and sauntered out the room and swiftly closed the door. I took the black dress on top of my bed and examined it. It was a black simple chiffon dress. That had a small white belt that goes around my waist and the top part covers my shoulders. I lay on my bed again, staring in the clear ceiling. I don't feel like doing anything, I just want to stay here all day long and not care about the world, but again Granny would probably kick my ass. I stood up lazily. I held onto the black dress. I can't believe I'm going to wear this to their funeral...never ones in my life have I thought I'd be at this age to go to the event later of my parents. I knew life... can definitely be taken away with just a snap of a finger. Life is definitely cruel.

Looking in the mirror the black chiffon dress that fitted me perfectly. I examine myself at the full size mirror, the girl staring at me in the mirror was alluringly beautiful, flawless skin, petite, with long silky hair, pluck eyebrows, with a straight nose and an enticing hazelnut eyes. But when you look closer into her eyes, you'll see a girl who is broken to shreds, agony slowly consuming her, the light in her, bit by bit losing its radiance. I thought to myself. What a sad life indeed. My heart broke all in one awful day.

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As both bodies descend to the dark brown soil floor, not a single tear nor emotion crept into me. It was a strange feeling, but I liked it. The numbness felt like a barrier protecting myself from the misery and torment of this world.

*sniff sniff* I looked to my left and saw Granny crying. She loves my mom, losing a daughter shattered her. And losing a parents shattered me as well. I wasn't ready for them to go. I held her hand and firmly griped onto her, hoping I'd lend some strength. She looked at me and she forcefully smiled and wiped her tears away. I forcefully smiled too. I let go when Gramps notices her crying, so he hugged her and caresses her back. Granny hugged him back and burst into tears. Grandpa on the other hand, closed his eyes and a tear trickled down his cheeks. We all lost someone who meant the world to us.

My parents' friends and colleagues said their phrase's "Sorry for your lost" or "condolence" I just nodded and forced a smile. To be honest, I don't know why I keep forcing myself to smile when there's definitely nothing to smile about.

"Olivia?" I turned around and saw an elegant woman, fair skin, short black hair. Her coppery large eyes is undeniably beautiful. She is three inches taller than me. Her lips were full and nude because of the lipstick. She wore a black dress that was two inches above her knee. Probably her age is around mid-forties. She placed her hands on top of my shoulder and examined me, meticulously. Then she hugged me. My eyes widens in utter shock because I don't exactly know her. Although, her smell seems familiar as if I've known her for a long time.

"Look at you, so grown up and beautiful like your mother." She says as tears shimmers in her eyes. I gaze at her as she caresses my scar just above my hairline. How does she knows I have a scar there? The fact that my family is the only one who knows about the scar, and no one else does. Though I can't comprehend where and how I got it from.

"I'm your mom's best friend and we haven't seen each other for the past ten years." She stared at me as if lost in her own thoughts.

My eyes widen in realization. "You're Mrs. Bryson? My mom talks about you." I genuinely smiled. My mom talks about her from time to time. She'd say how she misses her best friend and what not.

"Yes, the one and only." She giggles. "What does your mom say about me?

"She said she misses you a lot, especially your crazy bonding moments." I said and her lips curled into a warm smile. "She also said we're supposed to go on a vacation this summer break then this uhhm... happened." I sigh.

"That's was supposed to be the plan, but it's going to be a family vacation instead well if you want to come. It'll be great." She held onto my hand, which was undeniably smooth. I should probably ask Granny first. Just to make sure she'll approve of it.

"I'll think about it." I smiled.

"Well I hope you come. Anyway Olivia I better get going. Take care of yourself all right? I'm sorry I can't stay long. I have crazy kids to take care of."

"Its fine, take care too." I smile and she briefly hugged me one last time then stared at me for a second and sauntered off. I stared at her back as she gracefully moseyed out of the cemetery.

When everyone was gone. I headed to my parents.

I sat down. I'm not going to cry, I won't. I heavily drew in a breath, while I look up in the sky, not wanting to let the tears fall. I look up at the cloudless, bluish sky having a splash of blazing red with a purplish hue on the upper left of the horizon. I know they're looking after me from above. It's serene in here. So I decided to stay here for about fifteen minutes. The choices we make, are who we are today. My dad's voice lingered in the cool air. Choices, so it's my choice if I want to be happy? Is that right dad? But, how can I be happy when there's nothing to be happy about. I sigh. I'll try. I will.