章節 40: INTERLUDE 4: The Harley and Ivy Show
[AN: Sorry for the late chapter today. I forgot to post earlier :/]
In a specifically prepared showroom attached to the Dead End, one of a jester girl's dreams was coming true. That's right, baby~! Harley Quinn had her own show now~! She was going to be FAMOUS famous~!
The set was only sparsely decorated for now but that was fine. It was their first show after all. Harley was confident that she and Ivy would improve with time. They had plenty of funding to draw from. Just not enough time to set up anything truly spectacular because Harley was impatient.
That was fine~! Harley and Ivy were more than spectacular enough on their own~! They were better off getting the ball rolling and then worrying about increasing the production value. Thankfully, Gothboy was more than happy to set up this space for them and then leave the rest to Harley.
So far, the set just had a couch for Harley and Ivy to sit on, lights to light them (duh), and a few cameras to give the viewers a nice change of perspective every once and a while. Oh, and landline phones but those were just for show. Everything important was handled digitally.
Croc and Grundy were nice enough to work the behind-the-scenes business for them. Nice guys, them. And surprisingly competent. It was strange to learn that the nearly 7' crocodile man knew his way around a camera. And Grundy was a VERY quick learner, picking up on all the internet junk way faster than Harley could herself.
The show itself was more of a podcast than a radio show. It would be streamed live to an audience of what Harley was sure to soon be loyal viewers~! And the main draw of the show was that anyone could call in to talk to their favorite villainesses~! Sort of like help radio and a talk show rolled into one big brilliant Harley-and-Ivy-shaped ball o' fun~!
Harley simply couldn't wait any longer to get this show on the road~! Lights~! Camera~! Set~? Ivy and Harley showing in all their Poisonous, Quinn-ly glory~? 3~! 2~! 1~! Let's get started, baby~!
**Note — Harley and Ivy's debut was thoroughly documented by Batgirl (Daughter 1) and Red Hood (Son 2) of the so-called BatFam. They greatly enjoyed the exercise as an escape from the usual antics of the Dead End Faction (See Report and Threat Assessment DE5)**
Harley: "We live? We're live~! Heyo, people of Gotham and beyond~! Welcome to the debut of the Harley and Ivy Show~!"
Ivy: *Amused* "Is that the name we settled on?"
Harley: "I have more if you don't like that one, Red."
Ivy: "Very well. 'Hit me', as the youth are saying."
Harley: "Don't give me that shit, Red~! You're hipper than me~! Anyway, what do you think of 'Good Morning, Gotham'?"
Ivy: "It's a good reference but I feel like it's overdone."
Harley: "'Psych Ya Out!'?"
Ivy: "Hmm, not your best work, Harley."
Harley: "'So How Did That Make You Feel?'?"
Ivy: *Small smile* "Better but it's a bit wordy."
Harley: "'Bitch, We're Doctors!'?"
Ivy: *Snort* "Okay, Close the polls. That's the one."
Harley: *Wide, wide grin* "Heh, glad ya liked it, Red~! Alright, everyone~! Ladies and Gents~! Heroes and Villains~! Cops and Robbers~! Welcome to Bitch, We're Doctors~!"
Ivy: "We are, by the way. Both Harley and I have PhDs to call our own."
Harley: "Yeah, everyone always seems to forget about that little fact. We're fuckin' brilliant, bitch~!"
Ivy: *Deadpan* "I wonder why…"
Harley: "Hehe~! C'mon, Red, play nice. We'll tackle the patriarchy in another episode."
Ivy: *Wicked grin* "Oh, I can hardly wait~…"
Harley: "Now~! … There's something I'm forgetting, isn't there?"
Ivy: "You haven't thanked our sponsor."
Harley: *Snaps* "That's it~! This debut and everything that will come after it is all made possible because of a very special couple~! Thank you, Gothboy and Didi~! Mwah~! Love ya both~!"
Ivy: "Some of the locals might have noticed that Harley and I have been much less active on the Gotham scene lately. That is due to Sean 'Gothboy' Caine and his partner Didi. They've been wonderful to us and helped immensely in setting our lives on some semblance of a straight track. They're also funding this show in its entirety. Sean, Didi, truly, we can't thank you enough."
Harley: "Heheh~! We certainly tried our best to last night though~!"
Ivy: "Behave, Harley. We're live on stream. You don't want to say something you can't take back, do you?"
Harley: "As if I'd ever take anything back about Gothboy~! We're in it for the long run, Red-baby~!"
Ivy: "Perhaps we should take our first caller…"
Harley: "You got us on that, Grundy~?"
Grundy: *Faint and in the background* "Grundy… connect…"
Harley: "Thatta boy~! You're a doll, big guy~!"
Caller One (C1): "Hello…?"
Harley: "Hey~! Thanks for calling~! You're the lucky first~! What's your name, bud~?"
C1: "Uh… Jon."
Harley: "No way~! Scarecrow, is that you~?! Where the Hell have you been, man~?"
C1/Jonathon Crane/Scarecrow: *Sigh* "Yeah… Hey, Harley. Ivy. Long, uh, long time, no talk, yeah?"
Ivy: "It's good to hear from you, Jon. No one's heard from you in a few months. We were starting to get worried."
Scarecrow: "That's actually why I'm calling. I've had something of an… issue recently. I thought Harley might be the only one able to help."
Harley: "Ooh~! Villain business on the first call~? Lucky us~! Alright, Jon, lay it on us~!"
Scarecrow: "I mean… Kind of? It's a little more 'off-the-clock' than official costume business. So you know Mr. Barkeep and the Dead End, right?"
Ivy: "Sean? Of course. What about him?"
Scarecrow: "Well, I may have… Good Lord, this is embarrassing. I may have developed something of a… phobia."
Ivy: *Slow blink* "That is… ironic…"
Scarecrow: *Sigh* "Don't I know it."
Harley: *Serious (for once)* "Alright, real psychiatrist hours. What's got you all twisted up, Jon?"
Scarecrow: "It was all just too much. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Barkeep's stories make for great inspiration for me! But that's the problem. It's too fucking terrifying! I couldn't keep coming to the Dead End. I was getting nightmares. ME!"
Harley: "Damn. Yeah, I don't know if I'll be able to help you with that one, Jon. At least, not during a single session and especially not over the phone. How about this? You start coming to see me before the bar opens and we'll have proper sessions, yeah? If we work at it, I think we can have you hanging out with the guys again soon enough."
Scarecrow: "Promise…?"
Harley: "Cross my heart and hope to die, Jon. I'm not about to just give up on you. WE aren't. You're one of us, man. A Rogue. We'll work through this thing together, I swear."
Scarecrow: "… Okay. Alright. I guess I'm going back to therapy."
Harley: *Back to normal* "That's the spirit~! Thanks for calling, Jon~! Drop on by whenever you're ready~!"
Scarecrow/C1: "Thanks, Harley. I mean it…" *Hangs up*
Harley: "Whew~…! Doozy of a first call, huh~?"
Ivy: "I think you handled that rather well, Harley. I know we'll all appreciate having Jon around again once he's worked through his 'Sean phobia'. Really, it's quite understandable to have such an affliction."
Harley: "Heh, don't I know it~? And when Didi gets mad~? That's the stuff of nightmares…"
Ivy: "Indeed… It is quite attractive though, isn't it? When either Sean or Didi get ~intense~ like that~?"
Harley: *Teasing grin* "Now who's the one that needs to 'behave', Red~? Keep it in your flowers, girl~! We're live~!"
Ivy: *Rolls eyes, hiding blush* "Oh, shush, you. Let's move on to the next caller before I embarrass myself…"
Grundy: "Grundy… inspect… Grundy… connect…"
Harley: "Hehehe~! Hiya, you've got Harley and Ivy~! What can we do for you~ Caller number two~!"
Caller two (C2): *Purring voice* "Hello, girls~ Loving the show so far."
Harley: "Woooo~! Back to back Rogues~! We're off to a banging start~!"
Ivy: "Hello, Selina. Thanks for calling in. How are you? Anything in particular we can help you with?"
C2/Selina Kyle/Catwoman: *Throaty chuckle* "Well, I was just calling in to check on you two but I suppose I can contribute to the show as well. Let's see~… How do you two feel about giving relationship advice?"
Harley: "For you and your hot mess of a relationship~? Any day of the week~!"
Ivy: *Titters* "As if we're ones to talk when it comes to hot messes. But of course, Selina. Tell us about your relationship."
Catwoman: "It's certainly something special. He's dark, brooding, and oh-so-sexy. She's stoic, aloof, melts like ice in my hands, and is just as sexy as him. I have my hands full with both of them and I wouldn't have it any other way~"
Ivy: *Amused* "Did you just call to brag or do you actually need advice?"
Catwoman: *Dramatic sigh* "Alas, my first love, he is always busy. And my second love, she lives far, far away. I do not get to see them nearly as much as I so wish~… Whatever is a woman to do~?"
Harley: "Kidnap 'em~!"
Ivy: "Yes, kidnap them and make them spend time with you. It's the only correct course of action."
Catwoman: "I suppose that might make for an interesting challenge…"
Harley: "Good luck, girlie~!"
Catwoman: "Just out of curiosity, what would your advice have been for a mundane citizen?"
Harley: "Still kidnap 'em~! A good kidnapping is the spice of life~!"
Ivy: "Just with more legal consent involved."
Catwoman: "I don't think 'kidnap' and 'consent' are two words that go well together."
Harley: "Sure they do~! What do you think elopement is~?"
Catwoman: "… I suppose Ra's would be rather upset if we all eloped together. Mostly because he wouldn't be able to attend the wedding. Ohoho~ And there might be a ~wonderful~ bit of a public commotion if my first love was seen 'running off' with us."
Ivy: *Giggles* "Oh, now you simply must elope with both of them. I look forward to seeing the fallout, Selina~"
Catwoman: "Heh, trust me, you'll definitely see it. This has been a lot of fun. I'll let you get on with your show now though. Toodles, girls~"
Ivy: "I'm sure we'll see you and talk later tonight."
Harley: "See ya, Selina~!"
Catwoman/C2: *Hangs up*
Grundy: "Grundy… disconnect…"
Harley: "Still doing great, big guy~!"
Ivy: "I hope not all of our calls tonight are people we already know. It takes some of the fun out of hosting a show like this."
Harley: "Eh, I think we just got lucky so far. But no way to tell without movin' forward~! Next caller~!"
Caller three (C3): What's good, ladies?
Ivy: *Teasing smirk* "I don't know. What IS good? You called us."
C3: "Oh, uh… yeah, I guess I did…"
Harley: "Ignore her, bud. Go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us what you called for, yeah~?"
C3/Isiah: My name is Isiah. I guess I'm just calling 'cause I ain't ever seen something like this show you're doing. It's cool though. I fucks with it. I don't really got a problem that I need help with but I thought y'all might like to hear a lil' something 'bout my life."
Harley: *Shrugs* "Sure, we're still figuring this whole thing out on the fly. Share what you wanna share, man~!"
Isiah: "Right, so I work at The Taco Well, right? And there's this McWonald's joint right across the street from us. We got a sorta rivalry going on between both our joints. Like proper Krusty Krab vs. Chumbucket beef, ya know?"
Ivy: "Go on…?"
Harley" *Muffled giggles* "Yeah, man, go on. We're listening."
Isiah: "Apparently, one of their managers came over and got into a fight with my manager one time. And he just kinda passed the beef down to us, know what I'm sayin'? So now, if we see their boys… it's kinda like a brawl in the streets, ya know? It's on sight."
Ivy: *Deadpan* "That's literally gang violence. You're describing gang violence between two fast-food chain locations. Your manager is even the OG who's passing his beef down to the 'young guns' like you."
Isiah: "MWK. That's McWonald's Killer, ya feel me?"
Harley: *Full-blown laughter* "Oh, that's too fucking good, man~! Too fucking funny~! MWK~! Now, that's what I call brand loyalty~! Only in fucking Gotham, man…"
Isiah: "Actually, I'm from Bludhaven."
Ivy: "My condolences. Now, Isiah. Do you see an end to the violence? Will there ever be reconciliation in the 'deadly' Taco Well-McWonald's war?"
Isiah: "Them boys need to go apologize to my manager."
Ivy: "Apologize for what?"
Isiah: "Look, I don't even know. But I know that my manager's cool. So I got his back, ya know?"
Ivy: *Quiet mutter* "Unbelievable. It is LITERALLY just small gang politics."
Harley: *Trying VERY hard not to lose it* "I-… Snrk~! Isiah, you've reached a pivotal point in your battle where you've forgotten what you're even fighting about~!"
Isiah: "Man, I neva knew."
Ivy: "…"
Harley: "… Wow. Just wow, dude."
Isiah: "I mean… It ain't that bad, is it?"
Ivy: "You're in a literal fast-food gang war-…"
Harley: *Interruption* "No, no~! It's great~! Keep doing what you're doing~! And be sure to call back with new updates~! We're DYING to hear more~! Just don't kill anyone, yeah~?"
Isiah/C3: "Man, we don't go that far-…" *Hangs up*
Grundy: "Grundy… redirect…"
Harley: *Finally losing it* "Hahahahahaha~! Great timing, big guy~! Keep 'em coming back for more~! Make sure y'all tune in next time for the chance to hear more about the MWK~!"
Ivy: *Shakes head* "Good Green… Even in Gotham, I've never heard of anything like that."
Harley: "Eh, that's just Bludhaven for ya~! Gang warfare is in the water over there~!"
Ivy: *Amused* "Even for the fast-food employees, it seems."
Harley: *Smirk* "Yeah, the Bluds have no chill… Anyway~! Next caller~!"
Grundy: "Grundy… is tired of this rhyme…"
Ivy: "Don't force yourself, Grundy. We like you just as much when you're not rhyming."
Grundy: "Thank…"
Caller four (C4): "Hello?"
Harley: "Hiya, Caller Three~! What's your name and what can we help you with~?"
C4/Scottie: "Scottie. I, uh… I guess I need to get something off my chest. For the past few years… God, I'm really doing this…? Yeah so for the past few years, I've been actively committing marriage fraud for money."
Ivy: "Marriage fraud? Are you trying to get a green card or is it your spouse? And how is that for money?"
Scottie: "Uh… Huh, I didn't know that marriage fraud was a real thing. That's just what I've been calling it. So, uh, neither? It's not about a green card or anything. It's… well, it's complicated."
Harley: *Muffled laughter* "Pfft~! Alright, Scottie, what's your definition of marriage fraud?"
Ivy: "Yes, please, enlighten us."
Scottie: "So at my job, you get paid significantly more money if you're married…"
Ivy: *Nods* "Ah, I think I see where this is going."
Scottie: "Yeah, that's how it is. Me and one of my buddies decided to say fuck it and just get married. And now, I make a bunch more money and I buy him things sometimes, and yeah… It's been working out pretty well for both of us so far."
Harley: "This was the best solution you could come up with?"
Scottie: "I mean, it's not perfect. I have to kinda tip-toe around the fact that I'm not gay with my coworkers. 'Cause I'm not, you know? It's just for the money. Me and my buddy-husband don't fuck or anything. We just hang out like normal. Just… we're married now. Yeah…"
Ivy: "But you ARE legally married, aren't you?"
Scottie: "Uh, yeah."
Ivy: "Then I'm afraid I have some news for you, Scottie. There is no fraud here. You're legally married. And you just happen to be benefitting financially from the arrangement. Quite simply, you have nothing to feel guilty about."
Harley: "Yeah~! You don't have to be gay to get married to a man~! You two are just… bro-bands~! Hus-bros~? Nothing wrong with that~!"
Scottie: "Yeah… Yeah! I love him, also. That's my boy, ya know? We go way, way back. I'd take on the world with him."
Harley: "Snrk~! Preach it, buddy~!"
Scottie: "I love my husband. Nothing wrong with that. Don't even need to say no homo. 'Cause, ya know, there is no homo. Just two married best buds, yeah?"
Ivy: "Precisely. Be proud of your strange not-fraudulent friendship marriage, Scottie. So long as both of you are happy, I believe that's all that matters."
Harley: "Hey, if it works, it works~!"
Scottie/C4: "Yeah! Thanks for the talk, girls. I gotta go tell my hubby. Bye!" *Hangs up*
Ivy: "… That man is either the most confused man I've ever talked to or the most self-assured."
Harley: "Heheh~! Guys just be like that sometimes."
Ivy: *Nods* "Too true. It was sweet, at least."
Harley: "Oh, yeah, I'm rooting for them~!"
Ivy: "Next caller?"
Harley: "Next caller~! Run it, big guy~!"
Grundy: "Grundy… thinks the current societal norms surrounding male-male friendships are… strange…"
Ivy: "Indeed, they are, Grundy. Indeed, they are…"
Harley: "Yeah, sometimes I wonder if 'the boys' are REALLY alright… Anyway, hello, Caller Four~! You're live~!"
Caller five (C5): "Hello there. We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty. Would you like me to forward you to the… uh…" *Trails off*
Harley: "No, no, go on. I want to hear the full spiel for once."
C5: "I've never actually gotten past that part."
Harley: "Exactly~! No one has~!"
C5: "Yeah, I always hang up by then. I didn't think I'd get this far."
Harley: *Cackling* "Hahahaha~! I was like 'Let's see how far he takes this. He's gonna find that he doesn't have anything past that.'~!"
C5: "Yeah…"
Harley: "So how does that feel?"
C5: "I did the bit. And… here I am. So there must be something else, right?"
Harley: "No. Not necessarily. I don't think that there MUST be."
C5: "No, but-… I hope there is."
Harley: *Unusually serious* "That's different from 'there must be'."
C5: "True."
Ivy: *Amused* "Are we still talking about the prank call or has this conversation turned into one about Death and the afterlife?"
C5: "I-… Huh…"
Harley: *Nods* "Yeah, shit gets deep on 'Bitch, We're Doctors!'."
C5: "So, uh… Do you think there is? You know, something after we do the bit?"
Harley: "I KNOW there is, buddy. There's even a nice young lady to walk you to it."
C5: "… Huh. I think knowing that helps. Just a little bit of reassurance, you know?"
Harley: "I know. I get it, my guy. I really do…"
C5: "I don't really know where to go from here."
Harley: "We just keep moving forward. It's all we can do. And that's alright."
C5: "Yeah. Yeah, that's alright."
Ivy: "Okay, you two. I think that's enough existentialism for one phone call. Take care, stranger. We're going to let you go now."
C5: "Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks for this. It went differently but better than I expected."
Harley: "Until next time, prank caller~…"
C5: *Hangs up*
Ivy: "Well… That was certainly a strange interaction. We didn't even end up getting his name."
Harley: "Yeah, but I think I liked it. It kind of encapsulated why I wanted to do this show in the first place. Interactions like that. Anything can happen, ya know, from MWK to existentialism."
Ivy: "Oh, yes. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to do this with you, dear." *Smirk* "Never a dull moment."
Harley: *Back to her usual self* "Hehehe~! Aww, thanks, Red~! You know I try. So let's keep this show rolling~! Next caller~!"
Grundy: "Next… caller… Also… Grundy liked the… existentialism… Knowing something comes after… gives Grundy… warm fuzzies…"
Harley: "You're a king, big guy~! A king~! Hello, Caller Number Six~! You've got Harley and Ivy in the morn-… er, mid-day… Hehe~!"
Caller six (C6): *Familiar, gruff voice* "… Hello."
Harley: *Gasp* "Get outta town~! I'd know that voice anywhere~! Batsy~! Welcome to the show~!"
C6/Batman/Bruce Wayne: *Bat-Growl™* "Don't make me regret calling, Harleen."
Ivy: "Oh, don't be a big sourpuss, Batman. You know you love us."
Bruce: "… No comment."
Harley: *Singsong* "Heh~, that's not a no~! What's gotcha callin' anyway, Batsy~?"
Ivy: *Smirk* "Do you need our help with a case?"
Harley: "Oh~! Oh~! You're calling to make us your Bat Deputies~!"
Bruce: "No. But there is a reason I'm calling. I just wanted to say… I'm proud of you both."
Ivy: *Speechless* "That-…"
Harley: *Stunned* "That's gotta be a first, right~?! Red, has Batsy ever told ya he's proud of you~?"
Ivy: "Never. It's quite a nice feeling though."
Harley: "Damn straight, it is~! Hehe~! Batsy's proud of us~! We really made it, Red~!"
Bruce: "Getting of the streets has been good for you two. Harley hasn't caused an explosion in nearly two months now-…"
Harley: *Snaps* "THAT'S what I've been forgetting~!"
Bruce: *Deadpan* "Don't. And Ivy has been funding her activism through entirely legal means."
Ivy: *Considering* "It HAS simply been more efficient this way…"
Bruce: "Good. So yes, I'm proud of you both for turning your lives around. Keep doing what you've been doing. That is all. Goodbye." *Hangs up*
Ivy: "… Huh. Okay, NOW, this show has truly been a rollercoaster."
Harley: *Dramatically tearing up* "I always knew he was a big softie inside~"
Ivy: "I think we both need a moment to process that. Croc? Can we cut to a short break?"
Croc: *Behind the cameras* "On it, Boss. Take yer time. I'll fill the dead air."
^* 'Bitch, We're Doctors!' will be right back after this short message from our sponsors~! … The Dead End: Drive yourself insane for the night, why not~? *^
IIIII
[AN: Credit to Lyle Forever on YouTube as the inspiration for some of this chapter. The three 'mook' calls were all heavily inspired by some of my favorite clips from him.]
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