章節 14: Episode 13
E13: S1
Warning:
The following Episode may contain material not appropriate for all adult audiences. If the topic of self-harm is not your strong suit, you should skip this episode before its end.
I left Emily's house, with only a pair of pants on. Totally shattered, I have lost the person, with whom I had a chance to heal ... I have lost everything because of you. Damn addiction.
Dominick...
I started to breathe fast. I already think I understand what is happening, my addiction controls me, and it is achieving it completely ...
"Fuck..."
"Shut!! Shut!! I hate you! I hate myself!" He yelled as he hit my head over and over, desperate. I came out barefoot, the cold of the pavement getting through my feet and running through my body. Thunder could be heard, my head screaming at me more than once. I ran, I left the bike, nothing was worth it. I ran nonstop, still feeling tired, I didn't stop. Right now I wanted to die.
"Dominick ... Do it ..."
"AGGHHH !!" I yelled, falling to my knees on the road. That man came back to me, he was going to hit me and I moved on my knees, scared, escaping from that image in my head.
"Dominick! Dom!" Stop it! ... It's me, Ethan ...! - He yelled at me, shaking me by the shoulders.
"Get away! Don't hit me! What do you want of me? Leave me alone!" He was yelling at nothing, desperate. I could hear Ethan screaming, but I didn't understand them. He slapped me and I reacted by looking into his eyes, looking scared at him, nervous, trembling. He looked at me inexplicably, not understanding what was happening.
"That...? what's the matter?" He asked me, freaking out.
I lowered my gaze, frustrated — "I want to die."
"Don't say that! Enough Dom!" He yelled at me, hugging me like a child, leaving his chin on my head. I started crying non-stop.
"Let's go home, you explain to me there, okay?"
-I lost her. I lost her brother, I can't do anything right, damn it! —He was lamenting, angry with myself.
"Is it about Emily?" I nodded. Come on. He — he helped me to my feet, nervous.
We went back to Ethan's house. His parents were there, I didn't deign to greet them, I just went straight to the room. Ethan ran after me, I threw myself on the bed with a cry crying, clutching the pillow as hard as I could. Ethan sat next to me and put his hand on my back.
"Come on man, don't be like that ... tell me what happened."
"I'm a shit man, I hate myself." I'm fucking addicted to uncontrollable sex! I yelled at him as best I could. I felt horrible, heavy, I hate myself.
-Fuck. He was silent for a moment. But ... can't you find someone else?
"That will never happen!" Never! I yelled, raising my head, imperative. I've lost everything ... EVERYTHING !! I yelled, putting my face back on the pillow, crying.
"I'm sorry man, I don't know what to do ... I'll leave you alone for a while ..." he said, standing up. I didn't say anything about it, maybe I did want to be alone. I heard the door creak as it closed, apparently he had already left.
"I want to die !!"
"Dominick ... Do it ..."
I fell asleep crying. Thinking about how I spoiled what was beginning to form. That relationship that somehow only did me good. I hate myself so much, now I understand those words for no reason that I said to myself in the morning.
I opened my eyes, everything was still dark, I had slept for hours ... I raised my head, Ethan was not there, I went to the shower.
The voices in my head destroyed me:
You have lost her ...
You've been an idiot ...
I know and shut up. I do not want to remember it!
I fell sitting under the water, crying. Remembering Emily's smile. Her facial expressions were rooted in my body, in my soul.
Why does love hurt so much?
Why is it so easy to fall in love and so difficult to fall out of love?
Why is this happening to me?
Why right now do I just want to die?
What is this void? Is it a feeling of loss? Does that thing called love provoke it? Or is it a feeling of guilt? Why can't I contain my urge to cry?
Right now it would be nice to disappear. I knew something like this would happen. I didn't want to fall in love because I don't know anything about it, I don't know how to keep anything well, I don't even know how to be alive.
I looked at my wrists and in a flash I saw blood running down them. Is it a memory or do you want to do it? What difference does it make if I find out? Will I do it right? Will killing me be good for me?
I got out of the shower, went back to bed, and lay there, crying. I don't feel like anything, just to die. And when I felt myself fall asleep, voices ran from one side to the other through my head.
Dominick ... what does it mean ...?
«You make me feel loved, somehow with you, your mystery, you ... I like you too»
She dawned. I was crying, I didn't stop all night, I heard Ethan move from side to side, he moved my back with his hand to wake me up:
"Dominick, wake up, you're going to school."
I complained, stirring to stop him from continuing.
-Sun!
"I don't want to go ... I don't want anything."
I heard him breathe out sharply. Sun...
"You won't convince me." I blurted out firmly.
"Ok ... but are you okay?"
-Do not. Being alone I'll be fine, maybe.
"I don't want to leave you alone ..." He lowered his voice, concerned.
-Do not worry. I'll be fine.
-Voucher.
I kept on my back, with my face on the pillow. If he left, I don't know. Maybe it was a while after our conversation. I sat on the bed, took a deep breath, remembered the image of the early morning and began to look for some sharp object.
"Fuck me, do it ..."
I hear a voice inside me that yells demanding that I cut my veins, and I listen to it, while the other voice yells that I must have sex. I found a steel scissors in the bathroom, it will be the one I will use to cut myself.
I went to bed and sat on the edge. I brought the scissors to my wrist and I dragged it with force, depth and anger and I began to contemplate my blood slowly coming out, surrounding my hand.
Why am I cutting myself?
The truth is that it is very easy to answer: I think this is how I show how I am inside. I make holes in my skin to show it, show my internal wounds ... Show what caused a love or a feeling ... Show the world how I am ...
Harming yourself is a way of dealing with very intense emotions. It provides some people with the relief that the rest of us often find in crying. But perhaps these people have cried so much that it no longer provides any relief. Some people who self-harm, like I'm doing, feel so angry and aggressive that they can't control their emotions. They are afraid of hurting someone, so they turn their aggression on themselves seeking to free themselves from it. These people are sometimes seen as attention seekers. However, a person who self-injures may believe that this is the only way to communicate or manage discomfort.
Harming yourself can be a hidden problem for years. It can start out as a sudden way of letting go of anger and frustration (like punching a door) and can become an important way to cope with stress over time, which, by remaining hidden, tends to lead to more stress. Therefore, I will do it with more fervor.
The severity of self-harm does not depend on how severe the underlying problems are, it is just so you can feel a sense of relief.
I warned you Dominick.
I told you...
I told you that you would lose her ...
Dominick ...
I dragged the scissors quickly up my arm, causing all the blood to splatter, dripping onto the ground.
Help me ... Help me.
Dominick ...
Help me please.
"AHHHH !!" I shouted loudly raising my hand with the scissors full of my blood, closing my eyes to feel it pierce me and when I felt that it destroyed my arm I remembered:
"Dominick, what are you doing ?!" my mom yelled at me when she saw me bleed. She couldn't see her face, it wasn't clear to her.
"Nothing mom ..." I replied, letting go of the blade.
"This is for your father, right?"
I nodded.
***
"We're raising a queer ... what should I expect from him?"
Shut! I didn't do anything wrong! Why can't you love me?
"Mommy ... I want Daddy to love me ... He loves me as much as I love him." I sobbed as he cried.
A scream brought me to reality.
-DO NOT!! SHIT! Ethan yelled, taking the scissors from my hand. "What are you doing ??!"
"I want to die !!" I yelled at him angrily.
"My God ... Up!" I'll take you to the shower. He grabbed my arm and I quickly rebuffed him.
-I do not want to! I refused, reacting to his grab.
"You're going, whether you want to or not! I won't let anything happen to you!" He yelled at me, grabbing me by the abdomen leading me to the shower.
-Nerd! He yelled, kicking, trying to let go of me.
"Stop it Dom! Stop it!" He interrupted me, falling into the shower with me. He turned on the faucet and the water began to pour on both of them. Ethan had me by the abdomen, I was lying on his back. He kept his eyes closed, preventing water from entering my eyes.
And for a moment everything was clear to me.
"I'm sorry ..." I whispered with my head down.
I watched the blood run, surround the entire shower.
"What were you trying to do?" Did you want to leave me alone? "He asked me, keeping his arms still on my abdomen.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry ... I don't know what's wrong ... I feel so empty." Everything hurts, I need help. I yelled back. With a shattered soul. Ethan hugged me, circling my abdomen.
"I won't leave you alone, I never will." Him, "he whispered to me. It hurts me to see you like this, and I want you to know that I will be here to prevent your pain from being greater, you are the only man, seriously, that I love.
-Thanks. I answered that, crying. Clutching his hands to me, he cried without holding me back. I love you too, best friend.
A few minutes passed, or I don't know. He turned off the tap, tried to sit up, standing next to him.
"Let's go upstairs ..." he helped me. I got to my feet, a little dizzy, perhaps from the loss of blood.
"Come on ... promise me you won't do that again." He sat me on the bed and I immediately leaned back, he sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me. I could already imagine his thoughts...
-I promise. I smiled slightly.
"She didn't go to class today." I didn't see her anywhere ... - she commented, falling on her back next to me.
"Why did you come?" I asked, almost interrupting.
"I have free time ... What's wrong with you, brother?"
"I'm not sorry ..." I squeezed my eyes with my fingers.
"If it's about sex, that's what porn is for and hands, brother ..." he smiled, nudging me slightly without taking his eyes off the ceiling.
-Do not. What's the use of porn if practice is better? "I asked him, imagining he was touching her. Why masturbate if you can use your hands in better places?
-Yes. You are right. I guess I can't say anything against that logic. You know well that I'm not good with words ... I'm a mess. She — she turned to me and hugged me.
"That works out very well for you." I said, stroking her scalp.
What if he saw Emily again? She would die of shame ... I couldn't look into his eyes without crying. I think I should have told him about my addiction. I regret so many things. I would like to repeat everything from the beginning ... but things have already passed and there is no one to intervene in it.
A day passed. Weeks passed. Then the months.
My addiction calmed down, it was very strange, but I didn't complain. Maybe she would attack me one last time to kill me.
Although, I wouldn't mind ...
2 months later...
I had already decided to go back to class, but I never saw him again, this pain that I carry inside me is something like I had never felt before. I feel such an emptiness ... as if I am missing a piece of a puzzle that I can't finish, where that piece is her. And without her it was empty. Rotten. Only. Wrong. Without her I would go crazy.
Emily is as if she has been swallowed up by the earth ...
- ON SALE -
This was the sign that was at Emily's house. There was no one there anymore, they all left ... where did they go? Why so? Did I destroy a family? Am I only good for that?
"Ethan told me you were looking for me."
"That's how it went..."
"Um ... do you want to go for a walk?"
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
#
"It's beautiful ..." he whispered. I love him.
-I knew that you would like.
"Dominick ... I really like you ..."
"I never thought you'd say it ... Shall we walk?"
"Give me your hand ..." she told me, extending hers. I gave him my hand and we walked across the bridge. Full of joy, smiles and security .. »
My eyes crystallize when I remember all that. A cold overwhelmed my body. And that feeling of loss, of emptiness, grew a little more.
"Emily ... I'll miss you."
Sweet nightmare.
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