章節 28: SS: Honami – Facing the Inner Mirror

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." — Buddha

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As I watched the vibrant field and the buzz of the crowd, my mind couldn't help but drift back to those intense days of preparation under Kayden's firm direction. He had always been the natural leader of our class: proactive, determined, with a clear vision that few could match. So, it was no surprise when he took on the role of physical trainer. His clarity on what we needed to succeed was unmatched, and his determination drove us all toward the goal.

I remembered every training session as a constant challenge. Kayden pushed us beyond our limits, demanding the best from each of us. There was no room for unnecessary breaks or complacency. His training was relentless and exhaustive. Every muscle in my body ached at the end of the day, and every breath felt like a battle against my own body. But giving up wasn't an option; we couldn't afford to falter.

"This will all be worth it," I kept repeating to myself as I forced myself to keep going, to give more than I thought I was capable of. Kayden's presence, always confident and assured, was the spark that kept us moving, driving us to surpass our limits. Now, standing on the field, about to face what we had prepared for so long, I felt a mix of pride and nervousness. We had worked hard and with dedication, and I knew we were ready to give our best.

As we headed toward the sports field, I couldn't help but look at Kayden. His expression, as always, was calm and serene, as if nothing could disturb him. This gave me a slight sense of reassurance, although a persistent knot remained in my stomach. Was he excited? Nervous, like me? It was hard to read him just from his face, so I decided to ask him.

During our conversation, his response didn't surprise me. Despite my own nerves, his calmness gave me a small boost of confidence. Kayden always had that ability to see things practically, almost unflinchingly, and I found myself trusting his words more and more.

I confessed my nerves, something I don't usually do easily. I felt I could be honest with him, knowing he wouldn't judge me. As expected, Kayden gave me simple but reassuring advice, straightforward, as he always did. His words, though brief, made me feel accompanied and understood.

As I continued listening to him, one question persisted in my mind. Over the past month, he had been the one working the hardest, pushing us all to the limit. I worried about how he really felt on this big day. Was he okay with everything he was about to face? With all the expectations our class had placed on him?

I asked him the question, perhaps awkwardly, but he answered simply, almost as if the idea of failing wasn't on his mind. I admired him for that. To me, Kayden had not only become a reliable leader but also someone I could trust completely.

His presence gave me a sense of security that I couldn't fully explain. I knew that, no matter what happened, as long as he was with us, we would be okay.

Our conversation was interrupted by Mako-chan, one of my best friends. Whenever we were together, especially in Kayden's company, I felt completely at ease; her energy and laughter were contagious, and time flew by. However, despite how much I valued our friendship, I never quite got used to the intimacy that Mako-chan and Kayden seemed to share.

When Mako-chan suddenly appeared from behind Kayden and hugged him, I thought it was one of those playful jokes we used to share. But what started as a gesture of friendship soon became awkward. Seeing how Mako-chan not only hugged him but also touched his body with overwhelming familiarity while praising his muscles, I felt a deep discomfort. It was as if a knot formed in my stomach and my chest burned with jealousy. I wondered how she could do this so naturally, without showing the slightest sign of embarrassment. If I were in her place, I would feel completely exposed and embarrassed.

The situation became even more uncomfortable as Mako-chan, with her usual lack of inhibition, continued touching and praising Kayden, while I felt increasingly out of place. The way she did it seemed so natural, so effortless, that it made me question my own ability to express affection. How could she be so open while I felt an invisible barrier keeping me at a distance?

I was drowning in a storm of insecurities and anxieties that bewildered me. Sometimes I wondered if there was something inherently wrong with me, something preventing me from getting close to Kayden with the same freedom as Mako-chan or Yuki-chan. Was it possible that my own fear of closeness was sabotaging my attempts to build a deeper relationship? Seeing how Mako-chan could approach Kayden with an ease I couldn't replicate made me feel even smaller and more incapable. I wondered if I would ever be able to cross that line that seemed so natural for others, or if I would always be condemned to watch from a distance.

The mix of jealousy and sadness grew more intense. I was tormented by the idea that my shyness and fear of bothering others were preventing me from enjoying a more meaningful connection. Was I limiting my own possibilities by not daring to take that first step? The barrier I felt, that emotional distance I couldn't overcome, seemed insurmountable. Doubt invaded me: would my desire to get closer to Kayden be enough if I couldn't overcome my own insecurities? And if, in my effort not to monopolize his time, I was pushing myself even further from what I truly wanted?

The internal conflict was devastating. I longed for that closeness, that kind of physical and emotional contact I saw in others, but I didn't know how to advance without feeling vulnerable. The contradiction between my burning desire and my paralyzing fear left me disoriented and lost. How could I find the courage to approach Kayden in a way that felt authentic to me, without feeling trapped in my own invisible barriers? The answer always seemed just out of reach, and the pain of not being able to grasp it left me desolate.

...

Time advanced relentlessly, dragging us toward the climax of the events. Each competition unfolded with the intensity of a final test, and as anticipated, our performance was standing out remarkably compared to the other classes. The effort we had invested and the hard work Kayden had demanded from us were paying off. The prospect of achieving first place with no major setbacks filled me with deep satisfaction and pride.

However, despite our intense preparations, there were competitions that presented real challenges. Some tests were exhausting and demanded more than we had imagined, but nothing compared to the level of demand of Kayden's training. Every session had been a test of endurance and perseverance, and although the training was relentless and grueling, it had prepared us in an unparalleled way.

Seeing the results of my performance in the competitions filled me with a mix of pride and relief. Each achievement was a testament to the hard work and dedication we had put into the training. I felt immense satisfaction seeing how my effort was reflected in our collective success. My confidence had grown significantly; each challenge overcome was proof that I was living up to expectations.

Despite the exhaustion, there was a spark of enthusiasm inside me that I couldn't extinguish. I felt alive, driven by the energy of competition and the support of my teammates. The camaraderie and team spirit had turned the long hours of training and the challenges of the competitions into something more than just an effort; they had become a rewarding and memorable experience.

The shared smiles, the cheers, and the accumulated victories created an atmosphere of euphoria that united us even more. Each time I crossed the finish line or achieved a goal, I experienced a wave of excitement and satisfaction that made me forget the fatigue and difficulties. I knew that, no matter what obstacles we faced, the teamwork and determination we had shown would lead us to the top.

Looking at the horizon of the competition, I felt hopeful and determined. Our effort and dedication were bearing fruit, and that sense of achieving something great with my teammates was a reward in itself. With each step we took toward victory, the bond between us grew stronger, and the pride in my heart grew.

The sense of belonging and the recognition of our collective effort were the true rewards of everything we had been through. The journey had been tough, but the success we were achieving made every challenge worthwhile.

....

I was hydrating after one of the events, trying to catch my breath and regain my energy. As I did, I couldn't help but fix my gaze on Kayden, who was in the middle of another competition. It was impressive to see how, with astonishing ease, he excelled in every event he participated in. Kayden had decided to take part in every available event, something that would be almost impossible for any normal student. But he wasn't an ordinary person; his skill seemed limitless.

Watching him dominate his rivals in each competition stirred a mix of admiration and awe in me. The dexterity and mastery with which he tackled each challenge were astounding, as if he had an innate knowledge and ability for everything he attempted. I wondered once again, what had been on my mind for a while: how was it possible for him to be so good at everything?

Whenever a doubt arose, big or small, Kayden always had a precise answer, as if he were an expert on any subject discussed. The way he approached each situation with confidence and competence left me bewildered. It was as if he had lived more than his age suggested, as if he possessed experience and wisdom far beyond my own.

This admiration was mixed with a deep unease. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of his ability and knowledge. I wondered if there was something I didn't understand, some secret or method he used to reach that level of excellence. The discrepancy between my own experience and his was so stark that it was difficult to grasp how it was possible.

Every time I saw him in action, I was filled with a sense of mild bewilderment. Kayden seemed like an unattainable enigma, and this perception led me to question my own worth and capabilities. Despite my effort and dedication, I felt like I was always in the shadow of his incredible skill. It was as if I were watching someone who was not only an inspiration but also a constant reminder of how far I was from reaching that level of mastery.

I wondered if I would ever be able to understand Kayden better, to get a little closer to him, and discover what really makes him so different from others. My desire to understand him led me to deep reflection. Sometimes, I felt like I was on the periphery of his life, observing his achievements and skills without grasping the essence of what drove him.

My admiration for Kayden was undeniable, but there was also a deep yearning to know him beyond his public image and exceptional ability. I wondered what went through his mind in those moments when he seemed to be in complete control, how he processed each challenge, and what thoughts guided him in his pursuit of excellence.

The desire to get closer to him was more than just curiosity; it was a genuine impulse to connect with someone who seemed to have an understanding and perspective of the world that I had yet to reach. I felt a mix of hope and anxiety at the thought of discovering more about him. The idea of sharing a moment of vulnerability, of being part of his world in a more meaningful way, filled me with a blend of anticipation and fear.

I worried about the possibility that my effort to get closer to Kayden might seem forced or inappropriate. The last thing I wanted was to make him uncomfortable or feel invaded by my attempts at connection. Sometimes, I wondered if he even noticed my desire to know him better, or if he was so absorbed in his own thoughts and challenges that he didn't consider it at all.

The barrier I felt between us, that emotional distance that seemed to exist, caused me a sense of frustration. I wanted to break that invisible wall and establish a genuine connection, but I wasn't sure exactly how to do it. The idea of someday understanding his way of being and thinking filled me with a shy hope, but also a persistent unease.

I wondered if, as I moved forward on my own path, I could find a way to approach him authentically. Would I be able to discover what made him so special, to see beyond his ability and understand the heart and mind of the person that was Kayden? The search for this connection, though filled with uncertainty, was a journey I was willing to undertake, hoping that, over time, I could reveal a little more of the essence of the person I admired so much.

....

It was lunchtime, and I was in the cafeteria, eating with my friends. Kayden was not with us; he was with the boys, as he had a team event after lunch. It was an unusual situation since we normally always ate together, no matter the day. But today, with the competition underway, he must have been focusing on strategies, as he usually did. It was almost as if his mind never rested, always moving and planning the next step.

As I ate, some of my friends went to the bathroom, leaving me alone with Chihiro-chan, another of my closest friends. I took the opportunity to talk to her about the emotions I had experienced regarding what had happened between Mako-chan and Kayden. I didn't want to reveal that I was referring to myself, so I told her it was a problem affecting a friend. I described how I had felt about the closeness between Kayden and Mako-chan, trying to be as objective as possible.

Chihiro-chan listened attentively, and after a moment of reflection, she said with an enigmatic smile: "Your 'friend' is completely in love with the guy and feels jealous of the other girl because she wants the guy to have that closeness only with her."

Chihiro-chan's words left me frozen, as if a bolt of clarity had struck my mind. In love? Me? With Kayden? The revelation hit me with unexpected force. Suddenly, all the emotions I had been feeling, the discomfort and jealousy towards Yuki-chan and Mako-chan, began to make sense. It was as if a thick fog had lifted, revealing the truth I had been hiding even from myself.

I had never been in love before. I hadn't even felt a romantic inclination toward anyone. In matters of love, I was completely inexperienced, like a child asked if she knows how to run when she hasn't even learned to walk. I didn't understand love in its deepest form; the love I felt for my family was different, an unconditional and familiar love. But romantic love, the kind felt toward someone of the opposite sex, was uncharted territory for me.

The idea of being in love with Kayden was unsettling. I realized that my desire to be close to him, my jealousy over the closeness he shared with other girls, were not just reflections of friendship. They were manifestations of a deeper feeling, one that had been masked by confusion and denial.

Recognizing this feeling overwhelmed me with a mixture of confusion and anxiety. I didn't know how to handle this new reality, how to confront the feelings that were emerging within me. The prospect of having to confront these feelings and decide what to do with them was intimidating. How should I act now that I understood what I really felt? How could I reconcile my desire to be close to Kayden with the reality that these feelings were more complex than I had imagined?

The depth of my love for Kayden presented an internal challenge, a struggle between the desire to get closer to him and the fear of how these feelings might change our relationship. I felt lost, disoriented, and, above all, fearful of what the future might hold. Facing my own feelings and understanding what they meant for me was a monumental task, and I still didn't know how to take the first step on this new and complex emotional path.

....

I hadn't planned to confirm my feelings so soon. However, after finishing one of my group events, I quickly headed to where Kayden was participating. He was in the final stage of the treasure hunt event, and I felt compelled to help him if possible.

When I arrived, I found myself confronted with a scene I had never anticipated. Kayden was in the middle of the action, but what I saw left me paralyzed: he was running toward a group of girls from Class C, and before I could fully grasp what was happening, I saw him pick up Kikyou-chan in his arms as if she were a princess.

At first, I tried to understand what he might be looking for among the girls, perhaps some accessory or item that might have gone unnoticed. In the treasure hunt game, the requested items were incredibly varied and random, so it wasn't far-fetched to think he might be searching for something among them.

But I was wrong, and the truth hit me with painful intensity. Kayden wasn't looking for anything of that sort; he had simply picked up Kikyou-chan in a gesture of chivalry and then quickly headed to one of the event officials to deliver what he had found. The scene, with Kikyou-chan blushing and nestled in his arms while he looked at her with a satisfied and tender smile, felt like a direct blow to my heart.

This pain wasn't merely jealousy or discomfort; it was a deep sadness that settled in my chest. I realized my heart was aching more with each passing second as I watched the scene. The happiness radiating from them contrasted cruelly with the sadness I felt. There was something in the way Kayden looked at Kikyou-chan, something that made me question everything I had felt up to now. The reality was becoming increasingly clear and painful: I had developed feelings for him in a way I hadn't expected, and now I found myself in the midst of a whirlwind of emotions that I didn't know how to handle.

My mind was filled with a cloud of confusion and disillusionment as I watched the scene unfolding before me. Sadness intertwined with despair, and I wondered if I would ever be able to overcome this painful revelation. The image of Kayden and Kikyou-chan, so close and happy, was etched into my mind, and I felt an immense weight settling on my shoulders. It wasn't just the sadness of seeing them together but the bitter acceptance that my feelings for him were deeper and more complicated than I had wanted to admit.