章節 15: Chapter 14
He fell silent, unable to respond. His eyes remained the same, cold and seemingly emotionless. He placed the wet towel in front and settled comfortably in the driver's seat. Leaning against it, he closed his eyes.
I stared at him, waiting for his reaction, but it seemed he had no intention of speaking.
"Stop it, Professor," I said firmly, anger and frustration evident in each word. "Don't you understand? I don't want to be a part of your life. Please don't try to be kind or send signals as if something happened between us."
He opened his eyes, looking at me closely as if searching for an answer. "Don't you feel anything for me now?"
"Enough, I don't want to answer that. I don't know what I feel. I just want to end this."
But his eyes wouldn't waver. "Don't you love me now and not before?" he asked again, seemingly indifferent to my responses.
I frowned. "Why do you keep asking me that? Isn't it obvious? I wouldn't be like this if I didn't have feelings for you."
We locked eyes, and despite wanting to discern his emotions, I couldn't read anything. "Has nothing really changed? Has nothing changed at all?" His words seemed to carry a different meaning even in just a few seconds.
"Haven't you realized that feelings cannot be forced?" I said wearily. "I can't continue this. Before, yes, I thought I could control everything, and I thought you would be mine, but now, I know it's not right."
He continued to silently gaze at me, as if waiting for further explanation. It's as if he's reading every star to find his place in our world.
"My love for you, Prof, is no longer like before," I explained with patience. "Now, I realize that I don't need to force myself into a love with no certainty." I bit my lower lip. "Maybe, you were just given to me for a moment to realize my own worth. You're right; I'm creepy for being obsessed with you. I let you use me like a damn thing because I thought... I can change your feelings for me."
The tears I had been holding back finally fell, but I still managed to smile despite the bitterness in my words.
"Did you know that before, I thought my feelings for you could give me meaning and happiness? But now, I am slowly learning that this is not the meaning of love. It shouldn't start and end with just one person. It shouldn't cause pain and resentment."
He remained silent, but it seemed like there was something he wanted to say. I didn't know what he was thinking, and that's what annoyed me.
"I became obsessed, Professor. I wanted to get all your attention because maybe you'd notice someone like me. Yes, you did notice me, but I needed to use my body to get you and not my feelings," I tried to hold back my tears while speaking, even though my heart was in pain. "I still hope to have everything with you. I'm obsessed with you, but now, I realize that this is a mistake, and we should stop. You made me realize that, Professor."
He suddenly opened his mouth, and the first word that came out was, "Laurene..."
"Don't call me Laurene anymore. I'm just an ordinary student to you now. I don't need romantic drama in my life. I should put myself in the right place and find my own happiness."
He didn't meet my eyes. Instead, it seemed like he was understanding every letter and word coming out of my mouth.
"I also thought that perhaps by stopping this, I could help you. You won't be hesitant to choose who you really want to spend your life with because, no matter what I do, I won't be a part of your life."
Despite everything, I failed to conceal the pain in my heart. I didn't expect that letting go of this dream would bring forth poignant emotions.
"I don't know how I'll face you in class anymore, but I'll do everything to make everything normal. To avoid any disturbances in your life."
As I stepped out of the car, I saw him express true emotions for the first time. But I couldn't accept those emotions because I knew he was just regretting it.
I felt the cold wind touch my skin, and it was like a lullaby to the throbbing in my head. The noise around, the people seemingly uncaring, but at that moment, that was the situation I preferred. The sadness and resentment in my heart compelled me to leave, and I walked away without even giving a glance to Professor.
I should be happy, right? I overcame the hardest thing in my life. Because my insanity towards him is slowly disappearing, but I am more scared now because of the new feelings my heart is experiencing. My feelings suddenly twisted when I finally realized that my heart is changing.
I turned to the road and walked the steps that seemed to lead away from the problems enveloping my mind. The streetlights gave light to my dim path, but inside me, it felt like my life was entering darkness.
My tears weren't stopping. No matter how much I wiped them, they continued to fall because no matter what I do, no matter how I fight myself, my heart still betrayed me. It hurt so much, but I was surprised at myself because I was slowly understanding everything. I didn't know why I became like this. I also couldn't know because maybe, maybe this is different.
"Laurene..."
I stopped walking when I heard that voice. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself.
"I don't know how to stop. I can't ignore you. I can't let us stay like this."
I looked at him, and I was surprised because of the expression he showed. "Laurene, I can't let you go."
"You need to do that," I said firmly, but beneath it all was a deep-seated pain and longing. "You're just getting used to my presence, but you'll get over it. You have Shannon; she can do anything for you. You should be telling her these things because I'm just a flirt willing to do anything to ruin you." I composed myself and turned away. "Don't follow me, Professor. This won't be good for both of us."
I didn't wait for him to respond and walked away. I didn't notice where I was going, as long as it was far from him. It hurt, but I had to do this for myself.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps following me. I endured it and kept walking, but he suddenly held my arm, brushed my hair, and gently kissed me. Time seemed to slow down as I felt his lips—lips I missed so much, lips that had become familiar.
He pulled away and looked at me. "Laurene, I already... Can you consider me? Can you please accept me?"
I didn't speak and just waited for what he would say next. He seemed to be struggling to say it.
"I'm in love with you... Laurene."
I blinked rapidly, unable to believe what I just heard. This wasn't what I wanted to hear because I thought he would say something else. This wasn't what I expected.
He bit his lower lip and looked at me intently, seemingly waiting for my reaction. "Laurene... Please, say something."
I checked my own feelings, and all my heart could do was beat faster. I just looked at him, and as time passed, I confirmed what I had been questioning in my mind. I tried to ignore it; I was foolish in love but not foolish in other things.
"Do you have anything else to admit, Professor?" I asked, almost absentmindedly. He stopped, and I noticed the fear in his eyes.
"Do you know that because of my craziness for the professor, I know even the smallest things about him?" His reaction gradually became dominated by fear. "Do you know that this is not the first time I've noticed things about him since I started talking to you? And do you know..." I paused, gazing intently at him. "That I noticed you're changing?"
"Who are you really? Why don't I recognize you?"
He avoided eye contact, and I knew that at that moment, he had no intention of speaking further. I smiled faintly and touched his cheeks.
"Maybe... I'm just drunk, and you're confessing," He looked at me again and held my hand. "But do you know that after you confessed, I just realized that that's all it took to calm my heart?"
I smiled sadly, and even though I heard what I wanted to know, I felt sadder and more hurt.
When will you tell me the truth? Will you wait for me to discover it myself? But if my suspicion is correct, what will I do?
I glanced at the woman in the dark corner, and my eyes clearly saw the camera flash there. I looked back at the man in front of me, who was now repeatedly kissing my palm.
Are you really alone, Professor?
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