章節 17: 17 Marauders Thoughts
Sirius didn't know if he liked the new James.
Oh James was still James of course, but he seemed more… deliberate now. More open to others's feelings and opinions, like Remus in a way, just not jumpy like Remus.
He talked to Peter differently, before when Peter wouldn't take a ribbing well James would shrug it off. He seemed to be more inquisitive about Peter's personal life, even if Sirius knew James thought most of the things Peter talked about were rather boring.
Sirius didn't have a problem with that. The Black Heir would sometimes notice that his words stung their smallest friend, but… what could he do about that? Not like saying sorry would make those words go away. The handful of times his father apologized for his mother didn't take away the burns and cuts. Not that his father apologized anymore.
Even James's more invested desire to learn about magic wasn't an issue. Sure it made him even more Remus like, but the thing about names- outside the discomfort that Sirius would never be free from the Black name- was actually kind of interesting.
Before James only interest in magic was how it benefited him or impressed others. As it should, why bother to learn something if you don't want to use it?
It was his talk about Snivellus that worried him. He had been defending Snivellus! From day one they had been even worse to each other than Sirius was to Snivellus.
Sure James and Sirius embarrassed Snape and a few other Slytherins, but those Slytherins hurt people. Even when Snape had cast the Cutting Curse at James, Sirius hadn't used any truly dangerous spells in retaliation. He never wanted to be like his family. He wanted the spells they lovingly (forcibly) taught him to never see the light of day.
James wanted to stop messing with the git that just last year cast a blinding hex on a second-year muggleborn, who ended up falling down the stairs and breaking his arm.
What was next Avery? The kid who cursed a girls shoes to feel like she was walking on broken glass, and she was too poor to get new ones and was too embarrassed to tell teachers so she got in trouble when she arrived to class shoeless.
Tripping jinxes and sticking kids to walls was nothing next to that.
I am not like them!
The talk from the day before was burned into Sirius's mind. It wasn't the first time someone had said he was just as bad as some of those Slytherins. But this time it had come from The Marauders, his real family.
"Sirius?"
Sirius flinched, looking around.
The classroom was nearly empty with only a handful of Ravenclaws and Gryffindors still packing up their things.
It was only their second class, but Sirius could tell they would all be the same. OWLs OWLs OWLs. Once the teachers had fully pushed that word into the students brains then they would start to actually do things.
So Sirius had tuned Professor Flitwick out the moment he said the word.
"You good?" James asked.
Off to the side Remus and Peter had already finished packing and were now levitating their quills doing a mock swords duel.
Sirius could see they were having fun, but he could also sense an odd tension that had taken over the group since the train ride. It was the same tension as when Bellatrix had started to go to Knights of Walpurgis meetings, and when Andromeda was betrothed to Yaxley without consent. That was when everything changed. His previously "unseemly" behavior turned "disgraceful" and their "traditional views" turned into radicalism.
The tension came from fear, fear of the unknown.
"Things are changing aren't they?" Sirius said quietly.
Remus froze, letting Peter smack his quill out of the air and James pinched his eyebrows for a second before a sad but fond look came over his face.
"Yes," James said, and like he always did, James understood Sirius better than Sirius did himself. "But some things won't."
Sirius didn't believe him. The change from unseemly to disgraceful had been a drop in the water that rippled out into a tsunami. Even when things looked, and acted the same, they no longer felt the same.
Surprisingly James threw his arms around Sirius, the few remaining students looking at them in confusion. Usually Sirius was the one to be touchy with James.
"Even if you are homeless, even if you go and become Lord Black… even if I'm dead, and even if you turn into a girl and have a nice rack, you will always be my brother."
Sirius smiled, even if it was fake. What had the comment about him being dead been about? Maybe James had remembered "Harry."
"I think the last option was the best out of those."
"Same, at least I could always oggle you," James said.
"Ew, no, you don't get to look at my tits!"
James pulled back affronted.
"What the hell! I'd let you look at mine!"
"Good for you, but we both know you'd be as flat as a board."
"Oh? And you'd be any different?"
"Have you seen my cousins?"
"Talking about your cousins like that? Gross man."
"Ay, its practically tradition for the Blacks at this point," Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Ah yes, Sirius Orion Black, the Son Of a Bitch traditionalist."
Sirius snorted in both amusement and annoyance at the name.
He followed the other three out of the class looking over them. James with his shoulders squared in unbroken confidence. Peter both trying to look small and imitate James, giving an awkward look to the small boy. Then Remus, shoulders tucked in and neck slightly bent, to both not bring notice to himself and so he didn't seem as intimidating to any passerbys.
Things were changing, and Sirius wondered if he would still fit in the mix when they were done.
I am not like them!
-
Remus could hear the perturbed cadence of Sirius's footsteps behind them. They usually only were like that when he had one of his "conversations," (arguments) with his brother, or when he saw Narcissia act like a normal teenager instead of the Pure-blood fiance of a Death Eater.
A lot had changed over the summer it seemed.
Remus had been the first on the train, his mother needing to get to the convenience store early that morning. But once Peter arrived he had quickly said hello before going to the Prefects meeting early. (He was already known as a troublemaker no need to make a bad impression to his fellow Prefects)
Once he came back everyone was acting a bit off.
The first sign had been where James was sitting. Unless they were playing a game together James and Sirius always sat next to each other on the train. But this time James had been sitting in Remus's usual spot next to Peter.
And Peter had been more confident, but less outgoing in the conversation. Was it because James decided to sit next to him? Peter was always a follower of Sirius and James, and their small acts of kindness often overwhelmed him.
But why had he been less outgoing? Oftentimes Peter would try and make funny comments to get a laugh or say something that amounted to little other than to agree with Sirius or James. But he had seemed, at least for a little bit, content with himself.
Sirius had been trying to act as usual. Which was being the adrenaline junkie he was. Make jokes, walk down the hall to find someone to harass, but James hadn't been interested in that. And it obviously scared Sirius to high hell if his heartrate was anything to go by. Each time the normally agreeable James said no Sirius's heart would stutter like a dying mans before trying to break out of his ribcage.
Remus knew James was the only thing that kept Sirius from being everything he hated. James was the only one of them that would try and tone down some of Sirius's "pranks." Remus wished he could too… but it was hard to say no to the only people who liked him as he was. James was also the first one to say he liked Sirius how he was. That he wasn't as bad as his family, and that he was a good friend.
Sirius clung to those words even to this day, a lifeline to his habitual angry outbursts.
Then there was James.
It was like he aged ten years in two months.
Even the way he described magic last night was different to how he normally would. Before magic was a means to an end, now there was no end to the wonders of magic.
Odd things happened though, things Remus could only notice thanks to his heightened senses.
The ever so slight scent of sadness and fear each time he looked at the three of them. However there was an additional one when he would look at Peter, anger. How or why James was angry at Peter, Remus didn't know.
The rapid heartbeat of panic when he had seen Frank and Alice had been odd too. There were so many things that had never occurred with James in the past four years Remus had known him.
Then the whole mess with Severus. Remus had been only a fraction of a second away from joining Sirius in attacking Snape. Only he had been planning a Bludgeoning hex instead of some harmless Horn Tongue Hex.
But James- JAMES, had stopped Sirius,(with some really impressive spellwork) then proceeded to tell them to lay off harassing the other kid.
Remus had known about Snape's home life since the first year. His senses picked out the tell-tale mannerisms, not to mention Lily when she had given him that ultimatum. She had let it slip what life was like for Snape, but Remus promised never to mention it to the others. He had known they wouldn't feel sympathy for the other boy and would only use it against him.
It all centered around this "Harry," and whatever he had taught James in the past two months. Everytime one of them had said his name James would practically scream sadness and loss.
-
Everything had changed, even if they looked the same. Peter could tell.
James was now kind where before he had been dismissive.
Remus was feeling flatfooted, just like he had been in second year when they found out he was a werewolf.
And Sirius was floundering trying to hold it all together while also getting ready to bolt.
Peter had noticed James's stiffness the moment he had said hello on the train.
James and stiffness was pretty much an Oxymoron.
He had looked at Peter, and Peter had felt scared. James never looked at Peter like he was a person of power before. Peter was a filler, something that rounded something out instead of being the core aspect.
Peter could see the gears turning in James's head. Peter had power, of what kind Peter didn't know. And James had looked like he was contemplating if that power was worth the effort.
Apparently he had decided it was.
James had been nice, telling him about his kidnapping, but then forcing Sirius to wait for Remus. He had winked at Peter like they were co-conspirators rather than the usual lackey.
James still controlled the group, that much was obvious. Sirius was too brash and uncaring of anyone except James. Remus wouldn't ask them for a slice of bread even as he starved to death. And Peter knew he could never control others in such a way.
They all sat down for lunch, Remus talking about Flitwicks boring speech about OWLs. James nodded along, even as he felt the conversation wasn't of value.
Every once in a while James's eyes would go around the Great Hall, often going for the red-head he both liked and disliked. Though there was more like than last year when his not so secret crush began.
But James also looked at the others, not just from Gryffindor, but all four Houses. He smiled at some when they met his eyes, got a calculating look at others. And scowled at a select few. For once Snape not being one of them.
James's hatred of Snape had never been about Snape.
Snape could be mean, hexed before he would talk. James could be mean too though, he used social antagonism instead of physical antagonism.
But James never hated Snape. He hated the idea of Snape. Dark broody Slytherin. The one who despite looking like less was actually quite adept. And he was also best friends with the one Gryffindor who refused to be James's friend from day one.
Peter felt that if he was better at his studies, but still just as floundering socially that James would have hated Peter in a similar way.
New James wanted more though. He had goals, ideas, hopes that ran deeper than Quidditch, girls and pranks. Whatever those things were, they ran beyond some school rivalry. And whatever those things were, James obviously wanted, no he needed Peter's "power."
It felt good to be needed, useful. Like he could actually contribute real things instead of being the one who fetches the salt while a gourmet meal was being made.
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