章節 25: Chapter 13.1
POV: Darling's Soliloquy
I'm broken somewhere.
It's ironic that I understand this fact about myself well.
Ahaha, it's truly ironic.
I've been pretty since I was little.
Ever since I can remember, I've lived hearing people calling me pretty.
When I walked down the street, seven out of ten people would look back to steal a glance at me.
During my school days, I received countless confessions.
Ah! Being able to pick a partner from the masses could be counted as the most basic of basic right afforded to me.
So then, why was I broken?
Was it because of parental pressure or child abuse that had started from a young age?
Was it because of nitrous oxide, which I had inhaled out of curiosity?
Or was it because my seniors and their friends would circulate filthy rumours about me?
Honestly speaking, I don't know.
What's the word they use for this unknowing situation these days? Beats me.
What would I know about my won brokenness?
All of them could be the right reasons, or none of them at all.
Anyway, the most important thing was knowing that the reason was not important at all.
Ahahahaha!
Ah! I would never visit the hospital for this though.
Why would I want to advertise to the world that I'm crazy?
That's why I'm bit of a geek, but I don't hate that about myself.
Isn't it okay just as long as I know that I'm broken?
Anyway.
Since I'm a little broken, I find it very difficult to maintain human relationships.
I was always the one being loved, and so I still want to be the loved one in any relationship.
I don't feel like being loved and showered with affection for only a certain amount in time?
How do I express this feeling...
Should I say, this love just feels too fickle?
Like an Americano coffee mixed with a litre of mineral water from a bottle, I've found that other people's emotions toward me have become too soft and fickle.
So I became obsessed.
I want them to look only at me.
I wished they could make me pretty.
So money became my goal.
Because money was like a magic potion that would make my beauty last even longer.
If one had a lot of money, they could slow down the de-beautifying caused by aging.
If one had a lot of money, they could easily get rid of the pesky flab that clung to their waists.
And if you had a lot of money, people's eyes would naturally gather towards you more and more.
The number of people who would adore me would increase.
And so, I can to a conclusion.
Being loved by the rich folk was the best.
However, when I revealed these sorts of thoughts to other people, the one's closest to me left me.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Lonely. I'm lonely. Lonely. I'm lonely.
Ha. Ha. Ha....
I've always been a pretty person.
My environment was full of people who loved me.
I hated loneliness so much.
I really, really hate it.
I'm scared of it.
I want to kill it.
Truly, I'd rather die and be killed than have to endure through it.
That's why I've always clung to people more and more, and even more and more so that they wouldn't leave me.
Watching them, trying to play nice, then confining them, and finally apologising for doing so.
But I can't stand that the person I'm obsessed with is staring at other people.
Since no one can be as pretty as me!
They can only look at me.
Only I can be pretty in their eyes.
I know this feeling is wrong.
I also know that obsession and monopoly are bad.
But I can't stop.
If I could have stopped this already, would I have convinced myself that I was broken?
If the person who loves me becomes tired of my antics, I can just apologise as sincerely as possible.
It can simply be solved with a conversation.
No matter what means I use, I just had to make them look at me again.
Because I'm pretty.
Even if they were a little angry, they would definitely forgive me after looking at me.
Just as it is the case now.
Lee Hyeon-woo, the big shot who joined my stream, after a long time without a spendthrift.
And in my subsequent obsession, I made Hyeon-Woo angry.
Hyeon-Woo, who was spitting out curse words left and right, was frightening.
I just wanted to be loved, so why was he cursing me?
So now I'm on my way 'to apologize'.
If we were to meet up and talk it out, I'm sure his anger will definitely be appeased.
Most men up until now have been like that.
"Hyeon-Woo..."
I was about to arrive at the meeting spot.
The man I had seen on the video call earlier was standing there.
When the car stopped, Hyeon-Woo climbed into the passenger seat.
I looked at him with deep eyes and an extremely apologetic expression.
Was I truly sorry?
Well.... I don't really know.
But my inner feelings are not all that important.
What matters is how the other person perceives my feelings to be.
"You know the Namsan Hotel near here, right? Drive there."
Hyeon-Woo's gaze looked me up and down as if he was appreciating my figure.
That gaze full of desire was familiar.
Hyeon-Woo seemed to have made up his mind.
To appease his anger, I would have to do that with him this time.
But... knowing Hyeon-Woo was probably the eldest son of some wealthy family, I knew this would happen someday.
Maybe we would've ended up having sex on Thursday anyway.
The lead up to the act was just a little bit faster.
Since it was something I was prepared for before coming to meet him, I straightforwardly nodded.
"Yes. Okay. But why don't you relax your expression? If you keep frowning like that, I'll be scared...."
Let's try and blow off some of that excess steam of his.
If he's more angry than I initially thought, he might scream at me again. And if not, I can reject his suggestion.
I glanced over at Hyeon-Woo's face while driving.
Ah....
That was a very angry state.
Hyeon-Woo's furrowed eyebrows did not loosen, and the corners of his eyes even went further up.
Did my words of appeasement make him even angrier?
I wouldn't have used them if it hadn't been a real emergency.
"Since I am still angry, you'll have to be patient and wait a moment. It will be resolved after a round."
Fortunately, he didn't scream.
Honestly? I'm glad I'm not too old
As Hyeon-Woo said, once he spread my legs on the bed, his anger would subside.
Because men were animals whose emotions become settled after they released their bottled up sexual desires.
Still....
I hate being in this strange limbo until then.
I want to be regarded as pretty anytime and anywhere.
"Aww, don't do that.... How do you think I'll feel if you keep saying you want to release your anger? Huh? When you keep saying that, my heart begins to race. Release me yes?"
"Huh, well… if you were to show me your naked breasts in the car, my anger might loosen up a bit."
There's my chance!
Hyeon-Woo may have just said it in a playful way but I was a woman who could do something like that.
If it was just the act of baring my breasts in the car to quell his anger, that was nothing.
Rather, it was a good opportunity to grab ahold of Hyeon-Woo's undivided attention.
I have to find somewhere to park ASAP.
"Now.... what are you pulling?!"
When I suddenly stopped the car on the side of the road, Hyeon-Woo looked at me with an annoyed face.
I'll be changing that expression of his.
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