章節 21: Reevaluated Resolve
It felt like I'd just experienced a dream.
Even when I woke up after a few hours of being healed, my mind was groggy.
I couldn't think clearly.
There was this fog in my mind that made me lost.
Miliv...
Why'd you do that?
I'm sure we had hit it off well despite the circumstances we were in. I was helping you.
But you just up and stabbed me out of nowhere?
Why didn't I notice?
I thought my Silver Eyes were socially infallible, but you showed me there was a mountain before me.
There was no way to cheat this. I had to hike it.
One step at a time. Go up and solve everything.
But how do I take the first step when my mind was like this? I didn't know which way was up anymore.
"Mom...?" My blurry eyes looked up at the mother I'd thought wasn't the type to stay by my side.
She was patting my head.
I could tell from her eyes that she hadn't rested in a while. Looking after me when I had fallen earlier.
"Where Miliv?" I unconsciously wanted to find him and ask why he'd held it in if he wanted to hurt me.
Why bottle it up to such an extent?
"..." She didn't answer me.
It must be a rude question to ask when the person who almost killed me was exactly that person.
I needed to find out for myself.
My injury had healed, so all I needed to do was move past the pain and shrug off my difficulties.
"Lay down for longer." Her brows had furrowed.
"I'm fine. Look, really." I pretended my body was fine by rotating my arm. Acting energetic.
Her expression eased a bit.
"Son... I want you to prepare yourself for this." Mom said while guiding me out of my personal room.
A small place upstairs.
When we headed downstairs, I saw the head of hair of the person who had almost got me killed.
This bastard...!
I was about to lose my temper and beat the shit out of him. How dare he get in my way... AGAIN!
This was his second offence!
And I wasn't about to give him any room to make excuses. No one could blame me if I attacked.
He was the one who started this...!
But just as I moved closer to him, I suddenly got a good look at Graid's expression for the first time.
What was that look...?
He looked... extremely haggard. Unlike the handsome man I'd seen and known earlier.
I didn't know what to think when I came closer.
"Miliv...?" I remembered the smile as that feminine boy. He had his faults... but he talked a lot.
Conversed with me on the same level.
Maybe it's because we almost fought to the death once. Because I purposely opened up to him.
There was nothing to hide between us.
Miliv talked a lot about how he felt 'different' from other people. Similar to how I did.
I'd almost thought we were the same type.
He wasn't that mature, but he was able to act mature enough to talk brazenly with me.
That was the type of Miliv I remembered.
Then who was this?
Why did their eyes look so empty? As if there was no consciousness within them. Only death.
He sat in his wheelchair. Not speaking his thoughts brazenly and passively living his life.
Almost like a corpse.
"...Do you still need me to take care of him?" I asked Graid for confirmation, but he shook his head.
He made a sad smile to comfort me.
"I'm sorry about my boy. I thought... he could be different from the rest." The apology made the blame shift from Miliv to Graid. Framing it as if his son had nothing to do with his own actions.
I wasn't a child that would fall for this.
"It's fine." So why didn't I deny that Miliv wasn't responsible? Why agree so readily?
What was... this feeling?
After what had happened, there was this unspoken curse and stigma put on the Nirvana Family.
Graid Nirvana was getting ready to leave.
"You're going?" I couldn't believe my eyes.
A hand suddenly touched my shoulder. When I turned to look, Dad Farhon was standing there.
Looking like he'd cried recently.
He tried to hide it, but I could tell. The marks around his eyes couldn't be hid so easily.
It must have been recent...
I didn't like this atmosphere.
"What are you all planning without me again?" I spoke up and got the attention intensely.
"Graid is leaving with Miliv." Farhon spoke as the man of the house. The great decision maker.
"Why?" I followed up quickly.
"They have to return to their home someday." This wasn't him reasoning, but giving an excuse.
He knew I understood exactly what he meant.
"He doesn't have to." I spoke to him.
Farhon turned his head.
He didn't seem to understand why I said that.
"Do you... forgive him?" His expression was an odd mix of emotions. Weird reaction.
But his words struck me more than his current expression. I couldn't hide my feelings.
"I was angry at first, but now I don't know." It just didn't feel right to hold a grudge now.
Miliv looked comatose now.
The elf man also looked at me like I was acting strangely. Did I say something weird?
"What do you want to do then?" Even though it was Farhon who asked, Graid looked at me.
"...Can I still take care of him?" Rather than acting by reason, I spoke out my heart.
They looked stunned by me.
Even though the mood was still horrible, it almost felt like the room became bright all a sudden.
Graid got up off his seat and approached me.
He had these big, gentle eyes of a giant when he stood over me. His height towering mine.
Then kneeled down before me.
"Do you... still want to be my son's friend?" He held my hands and asked as if it was a big thing.
I didn't even have to think much.
"We didn't stop being friends." I mean, it's not like he hadn't tried killing me once before.
Do they think I'd forgotten about that?
I was a much more petty person than they thought me to be. When he wakes up, I'll beat him up.
Give him a good thrashing.
So wake up now...
"Thank you." Even though it was Miliv who should be thanking me, his dad did so instead.
Why though? This had nothing to do with him.
I'm going to beat up your son later. Don't look at me like you're thankful. Keep it. I didn't want it.
Don't make those pitiful eyes at me.
"Graid..." As if one of them had made up their mind about this, Dad called him over.
They went to the next room.
Believing I wouldn't take this opportunity to kill him while he's vulnerable. How naive...
Even though I thought that, they were exactly right about my actions. I wouldn't hurt him.
It'd be useless if he didn't fight back against me.
So wake up now. I want to kill you in a fair fight right this second. Don't sleep on me.
...I better take care of him until he wakes up.
.....
....
...
..
.
A month had passed by in a flash. My anger had dissipated. Looks like I wasn't really petty.
It's only after some time passed did I realise...
...I just wanted him to wake up.
"Look. Don't you like the scenery?" I'd taken him to a nice place by the village's nearby stream.
Since it was broad daylight and we were far from the forest, there were enough reason to believe we wouldn't be attacked. It wasn't exactly zero, but where else would you find this nice scenery?
...Alright, I didn't get it myself.
I'd felt lost since he became like this. Not really that heartbroken, but more confused inside.
Like why I cared.
'He was supposed to be my pawn.' Oh yeah, there was that reason I thought of. My plan...
I looked over to the side to see a quieter Max standing at the side. Looking at us intensely.
Not out of anger. It was far from that.
He'd recently requested better training from me. He ignored the hurt of his pride to learn from me.
Someone shorter than him.
He was a solid rock that had been refusing to properly take my advice for a while, but suddenly became mouldable like clay. A perfect pawn and team member for my grand future plans.
World domination.
Did I sound like a villain when I said that?
It wasn't like I was planning to take control of a province or anything. Managing people would be going back to my desk job. I'd rather not go down the same path as my past self had done.
What I wanted to dominate were hearts.
I wanted to leave an impression on the whole world rather than here. My eyes looked far ahead.
At least, that was until my plans were foiled.
Although Miliv was part demon, he would usually be easy to manage and someone I could talk to.
Unlike Max, who I felt reserved about.
I didn't go out of my way to make small talk with him like Miliv. This was simply business.
A type of transaction.
Since Miliv was in my hands right now, Max would follow me anywhere and did whatever I asked.
He wasn't a simpleton, but he was simple.
Someone who clearly knew what he wanted.
I wonder what had brought about this change in his attitude. It hadn't been even a year yet.
That incident was far from behind us.
But these two properly forgave each other.
Was this what true 'friendship' was like? Did what I have with them fake? Nonsense I made up?
It made my grand resolve seem insignificant.
My dreams had been as high as the sky, so why did I feel... a bit jealous when seeing these two?
My dream was bigger.
It was more expansive. Entertaining. If I could achieve this dream properly, then...
Would it... actually matter?
What did I want in the end?
It almost felt like the memories of my past life were broken. The truth had gone unspoken.
I had stepped on the mountain path to achieve my goal. My eyes only on the peak. Only above.
Then I'd pass by these two on the way.
In the foggy world of my imagination. They would simply be those who failed to go further.
Those who simply stopped because it was hard.
I could simply pass them.
Act like I'd never saw them and continue my path forward. That would be my choice...
...if I truly wanted to reach the peak.
My hesitation. There must be a reason.
The most effective way to move forward now was to sit down and contemplate. Figure it all out.
What was the reason?
I'd even forgotten my name at some point. The only name I remembered now was 'Steve Thornebrook'.
The only person who chose his path in life.
I was no stranger to the ways of reality. The way things worked. No naivety in my eyes.
The only person in the world who didn't have to stumble to find my path in life. I knew it all.
What I wanted to achieve. My motives.
All of them were simple.
All I had to do was find the way forward again. My resolve wouldn't falter simply by Miliv.
His death shouldn't matter to me anyway.
He was simply a pawn. Someone who would help me achieve my goals. That was the plan.
Stick to it already. Me.
Don't falter. Shrug off this thought and continue to work hard. Train. Become stronger.
Isn't that a new hobby of yours now?
You actually have a hobby of your own now.
Don't forget that you're different from that friendless kept husband. That guy who did nothing.
You have achieved so much in a short time.
Continue to walk forth. Don't regret any of the decisions made. That's the promise you made.
This life will be different from the past one.
I let go of the wheelchair and gradually allowed my responsibilities to fall on Max's shoulders.
He was my companion now, after all.
.....
....
...
..
.
Time passed. Weather changed....
I didn't know the season anymore. Anyway, what was the reason I stood here... holding my blade?
Training?
What was I doing it for again?
Farhon has taken me out on 'field trips' to his occupation. Teaching me hunting skills.
It was a nice memory.
He showed me how the ecosystem of the forest worked and the things I had to watch out for.
Slaying any demon that got in our way.
Still, I felt myself trapped. I'd yet to take any steps further on the mountain. My goal was too far.
It was desolate place in my imagination. A dream that vanished without leaving any trace.
Was this experiencing burnout?
The next day I worked out in the rain. Pushing myself without knowing why I was doing it.
Cold winds blew away my original thoughts.
Until at some point, I realised what I'd felt.
It's not like I didn't want their friendship. A part of me felt like someone like me didn't deserve it.
I now knew why I'd been losing my identity.
Wondering if I'd gone insane.
There was only one truth.
And to find the truth in front of me, I must climb this mountain range of my dreams.
Not alone. Not like a solitary star.
Everyone died at some point. Even if I was to fly on over to the top, I'd fade out at some point.
Death was an inevitability.
How did I forget that?
Life was like shooting stars.
Beautiful, but also going towards an end.
It's not only me. Others would also push people down and ignore them to get to the top.
What would happen if I reached the top?
And when I looked downwards after climbing up to that deadly height, wouldn't I be lonely?
It felt like that'd just be me living without ever realising why I fought for that place in life.
It would me I'd spite. No matter how many times I stood up and fought, I'd be my enemy.
The one standing in the way of what I wanted.
After coming back from training in the forest with Dad, I looked at myself the first time in a while.
'Steve Thornebrook' reflected in that mirror.
The past life I could barely remember seemed to be impactful, but vague enough to be shadows.
The only thing I know for real was... that there will be bloodshed in the future. Screams. Death.
The man in the mirror nodded his head.
Heroes were wrought with blood and iron. This was a brutal world where honour is earned by battle.
I was the only one left to live out my life.
Samantha and her husband were gone. There was only me to take responsibility for my actions.
Did I only just realise that now...?
After such a realisation, the world became clearer to me. My resolve had strengthened greatly.
My heartbeat once again was kept at a steady but fast pace. Increasing my metabolism greatly.
I ate more hearty meals once again.
My mind was made up. I'd ride this upon the dragon's back and make my way up with others.
I won't die alone in an alley this time.
Never allow my 'friends' to be hurried by the trails of the journey. Because, after all, the mountains never gave back what they took. Should I leave the two alone, I'd never be able to regain them again.
"I'll make them my companions for real." Like a crazy person, I spoke to the man in the mirror.
He and I agreed by nodding our heads.
Even if solitude was the the only path in life I'd ever known. This time I'd take another.
It had taken a whole year for me to realise this.
I'd turned the age of six unknowingly.
But just as I thought things would go as planned.
Another wrench got thrown in the works.
Graid pushed a young girl towards me. She looked similar to Miliv, but her eyes seemed different.
They were the same bloody red, but there was an innocence within them Miliv had lacked.
"Thank you for taking care of me all this time. I'm happy... Thank you, Steve. Really." She held my hands and spoke in a gentle tone. I felt a familiar brazenness. As if she really was 'him'.
"You are...?" I asked to make it more clearer.
"Did you forget me already? It's me, Millie! You can't forget about me like that. Sorry about what I did to you earlier, but... I've been 'fixed' now!" She held my hands tight: "I promise. I'll never hurt you again."
I could feel sincerity and sanity from her words. Was I was the only one who remembered Miliv?
The fact that 'he' was a guy...?
What was going on...? Who was this little girl? Why did Graid look like he didn't notice the change?
...I won't be fooled.
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