章節 52: What Do You Fear?
Author's Note. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone! Hope you're all doing well and have a wonderful time. But, as a special gift to you all, this week will have a double release of chapters! Enjoy!
Jackson sighed as he hobbled through the school corridors. The halls were fairly busy during the lunch break as plenty of students were stashing or retrieving things from their lockers before making their way outside, though all of them gave Jackson a wide berth as he came shambling through.
"Is this even the right time to go see the counsellor? What if they're busy?" He kept his head down as he made his way towards the office, following the directions he'd gotten from the teacher he had just before the break.
By now, he was able to completely ignore the mutterings of other students, though even without his ability to block out the noise, most of the excitement surrounding him and his bad leg had died off.
However, one voice was able to pierce through his bubble of silence. 'Jackson?'
He raised his head, stopping and blinking. Jasmine stood before him. Today her ponytail was much neater. 'Ah… J-Jasmine… hey.'
She smiled at him. His eyes were drawn to her full lips. 'Looks like you're already handling those crutches a bit better,' she said.
'Oh, uh, yeah I guess so.'
'Where are you headed? Need a hand going up or down any stairs?'
'Huh? Oh, no I uhh… I'm okay. Just uhh… forgot my phone in a classroom.'
'Want me to walk with you?'
He almost answered yes before he stopped himself and bit his tongue. 'N-No, that's alright I…I'll be okay, thanks though.' What would she think if she knew where he was really going? Just how messed up would she think he was then?
'Hmm, well, if you say so.' She shrugged. 'Take care of yourself.'
'You too…' He turned slightly, watching her walk away. The two waved at each other just before she disappeared down the stairs.
Jackson sighed again and trudged forward, soon reaching the door of Ms Cotton's office. He raised a fist and knocked gently on the door. He shifted about on his crutches as he waited a moment before Ms Cotton opened the door.
She was just a fraction shorter than Jackson, her brown hair cut short. Her eyes, behind a pair of thin glasses, were so dark they were almost black and already looked to be judging him. Overall, she was very prim and proper, standing with a rigid posture.
She said: 'Can I help you?'
'Um… I was just wondering if you were free to talk right now? I'm… having some struggles.'
She smiled and opened the door wider, stepping aside and holding it for him. 'Of course, come right in.'
He thanked her and stepped through. The office was small and cosy, having the smell of honey and lilacs from a scented candle set upon her desk off to the side of the room. The couch, across the short table, sat opposite a large sofa chair and was piled with cushions.
'What's your name, young man?'
'Jackson, Jackson Woods, ma'am.'
'Ms Cotton is fine, Jackson. Please, take a seat.' She gestured to the couch.
He cleared away some pillows and sat down, laying his crutches over his lap, hands fiddling with them.
She grabbed a notebook and pen from her desk before sitting on her chair, though she set aside the notebook for now. 'So what can I help you with today?'
'Uhh, well, it was my brother's idea that I should come and see you.'
She raised a brow. 'And is he a student here also?'
Jackson shook his head. 'He's a freshman in college actually.'
'Why did he think it'd be good for you to see me?'
'Well… I guess that's to do with how I've been feeling lately and uh, how I'm doing since my leg is all busted up.'
'I see. You know, I'm generally here for when there are issues going on regarding things happening at the school, or if you're having trouble with the work or issues with other students and teachers.'
'Oh, uhh, I mean, this is getting in the way of me playing football. I-I'm on the school team, the JV squad. At least, I was before I got hurt.'
At this, her interest was renewed. 'Were you kicked off the team?'
'No, I…I don't think so. But, I can't play this season.'
'How does that make you feel?'
He went quiet, looking down at his cast as he frowned. 'I…I don't know.'
'Jackson, I can only help you if you're open with me. It's okay. You can speak openly here. Just search within yourself and express your feelings as clearly as you can.'
He lowered his head into his hands, rubbing at his face. 'I… it makes me feel sad, like I let everyone else down because I can't play. But… relieved too… because I can't screw things up now.'
She reached over for the notebook and jotted something down. When she was done writing she looked up at him again. 'How did you hurt your leg, if I might ask?'
He was quiet again for some time. 'There's this hill near my house. Just before the first game of the season, I rode up this hill with some friends, we were all on bikes. Then… I challenged them to race down it and…' He took a deep, shaky breath. 'I went as fast as I could. Too fast. When I neared the bottom I lost control and crashed and broke my leg in a couple of different places.'
Again, she took notes before speaking up. 'While it might've been reckless, accidents happen. You can't blame yourself for that.'
Jackson chewed on his bottom lip. 'Right… an accident…'
She looked over at him, setting her pen down. 'Was it an accident, Jackson?'
His hands squeezed his crutches tighter. The question hung heavy in the room for a long time. Ms Cotton stayed silent, as did Jackson for a while. She waited for his answer.
Exhaling, Jackson's shoulders slumped and he stared at the floor. 'No.'
Her pen scribbled against the paper again.
'Did you hurt yourself to get out of playing football?'
Silence. It lingered only briefly this time.
'…Yes.'
More silence was broken only by the scratching of the pen.
'Why? Do you not enjoy football? Why not stop and qui—'
'I do! I love football still. It's my life! That's why I…I don't know why I did this … I was just, so scared.'
She frowned but nodded. 'I see. Have you had any other thoughts or instances of self-harm or suicide?'
'Wh-What?!' Jackson's eyes widened as he reeled back. 'No, of course not.'
Her eyes glanced up from her notebook as she wrote. Then she spoke. 'And how long have you been playing football?'
'Since I was… five I think. As long as I can remember.'
'Is your family involved with football?'
'Yes. My dad is part of the coaching staff at Arizona State and my brother plays on the team.'
'Have they always had a big influence and hand in pushing you to play football?'
'Well, of course. I mean, they've always been playing or coaching, and so, I was always around it growing up. And, what kid doesn't want to be just like their big brother, so of course I was going to follow in his footsteps.'
'Is that why you felt like you were a disappointment and would let your team down if you played? Because you couldn't match up to your brother's example?'
Jackson went quiet again. 'I…I don't know. Maybe. I guess… I didn't really feel good enough to be playing anymore.'
'Why? It's your first year here, yes? I understand there must be quite the jump from this level and what you were used to during middle school, especially now that you'll be the youngest and smallest out there. But that's the same for everyone at this age. You'll grow and overcome any challenges, won't you?' She eyed him.
Jackson fidgeted under her intense gaze but didn't say anything.
'So what is it about football that is making you so distressed that you'd go to such lengths to avoid stepping on the field again? What do you feel when you think about playing now?'
Jackson shuddered and closed his eyes.
He was brought back to that fateful day where he had met HIM.
He couldn't have been human. He was a monster. Those sharp teeth, his garish mouth constantly pulled into a grin, laughing at Jackson's torment as Jackson's will crumbled away.
Those eyes; void of any human emotion, save the sadistic glee of breaking down those inferior to him. Like a predator would have as they toyed with their prey.
Those arms; they were longer than they had any right to be. Jackson could see them dragging along the floor in his twisted memory of that dark, nightmarish day.
So oppressive was this monster, that everything around him was stripped away, all was left black and bare.
He wasn't human. He was a black hole, where hope and football went to die. Sucking up and crushing everything in his path … inescapable.
And Jackson was caught, sinking deeper and deeper into that endless void. No matter how far he reached out, how he stretched, salvation was too far from his grasp.
He was all alone.
'Jackson!' Ms Cotton's voice pulled him from that hellish daze. He gasped heavily, body trembling as he panted loudly. His heart was pounding in his chest and was struggling to take in any air.
'I-I can't … breathe…' Perspiration had built up along his head and body.
'It's okay—you're okay. Deep breaths.' Ms Cotton had moved closer, placing a comforting hand on his back, rubbing in circles. 'I'll get you some water, just keep breathing, slow and steady. In and out, nice and deep, okay?'
He nodded and she hurried out of the room. When she returned, Jackson had settled down quite a bit. She handed over the cup of water and he thanked her for it, sipping reservedly.
Then, her phone rang.
She answered it and turned her back to Jackson. He continued sipping his water, slowly calming down more.
'Yes. … I see. … No, that's alright, I understand. … I'll be right there. … Thank you. … Bye.' She hung up and turned to face Jackson. 'Are you alright?'
He nodded slightly.
'I'm glad. I think it'd be good if we could talk more, but right now, an emergency has come up at daycare and I need to go. But, I'd like to see you weekly if that's alright. I can pen you in for Wednesdays after school, how does that sound?'
'Okay.'
She collected her things and moved over to the door. 'Feel free to collect yourself in here for as long as you need until you're feeling better, Jackson. It was nice meeting you.'
He didn't look up. 'You too.'
After one last, long, look, Ms Cotton opened the door and left, shutting it behind her.
Jackson was alone once more.
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