章節 336: 336. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap Part II ~Oof~
"Wake up," said Funny Valentine, standing in front of Gabrielle.
Gabrielle moans and kept on napping.
Funny throws hot water into her face, burning her face, but her face regenerates and she stayed asleep.
"Jesus Christ... She naps more than I do..." said Funny. He begins to choke Gabrielle. "Wake up! Wake the hell up!"
Gabrielle gasps and wakes up for a second, but her eyes close and she falls back asleep.
Funny then punches her in the face, but she regenerates and kept asleep.
Funny sighs. "Gabrielle! Your father's here!"
"Dad!?" smiled Gabrielle.
She faces against Funny.
"President Laughs N. Love?"
"No... My name..."
"You're the guy who started the Steel Ball Run? And brought the Corpse to the root universe?"
"Ibarra brought the Corpse back to life around ten years ago..." sighed Funny.
"Why are you here in this dimension!?" asked Gabrielle.
"I'm here to interrogate you, JoJo," said Funny. "The DISCs... where are they?"
"I'm not talking," she chuckled.
"I cannot take DISCs out of your body... But I can do it the old ways... and torture you..." said Funny, standing up.
He then grabs her by the neck and begins to squeeze as D4C begins to form behind him, choking her as well.
D4C is a blue humanoid Stand that looks like a knockoff Japanese Power Ranger with spiky rabbit ears. He's entirely blue with red eyes and no mouth, having a mask similar to Optimus Prime's mask. The Stand has red spikes all over.
"Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap..." sneered Funny. "Once... an Aswang stole a version of my Stand... I detected it... and it pissed me off...I, Funny Valentine, am a constant in every single Universe that existed in the Omniverse..."
"Sure... That sure is great... I'm just going to use my Stand against you!STONE FREE!!!BALLBREAKER-!!!"
D4C immediately grabs Stone Free by the neck and pins it down.
Gabrielle can't seem to break free of her chair. She coughs blood as Funny politely bows before her.
"Forgive me for what I must do... You know... The 10th and 11th Worlds aren't in the Omniverse... There is actually a collection of Omniverses called the Beyondverse... There are infinite versions of the Omniverse, Gabrielle JoJo... and you're just a version of infinite versions. In the end, to the gods, you don't matter... Because unlike Messiahs and me... You are not a constant in every dimension."
"That's pretty rude..."
"Believe me... I could say that I am being rude, but in reality, I am complimenting you.You... You are unique... You have, in a way, a sense of meaning and purpose... Something that we're all looking for.My purpose is to make America great again," said Funny, lowering his lips similar to Trump, and making an "OK" symbol with both hands and rotating them.
"You... You're a fucking psychopath... I have nothing to say to you. No... wait! I do!Eat my hot ass!" Gabrielle tries to struggle out.
"You know... Miguel Ibarra?" asked Funny. The pair turns to another cell, where Miguel Ibarra is asleep. "He... is ultimately... pathetic... with what he did... with what he tried to do... He isn't going to succeed, I believe..."
"I know what he did..." said Gabrielle. "He told me..."
"And because of that little thing he did, his friends betrayed him."
"I know that he had sex with his Aunt by Marriage," said Gabrielle. "Yes! It's incestuous, but I kinda get it.Sometimes, dude's gotta bust a nut for their fam from another fam."
"You people are strange," said Funny.
"Yeah! But I grew up with a Chimp brother, a mom who could unzip surfaces, and a dad who could stop time. I'm kinda used to the bizarre.I also know Miguel fought a giant Kaiju Chicken. Sirens... and himself... and his demonic Uncle... and his self-reflection..."
Funny sighs with his nose. "Gabrielle? I want you to know that I won't kill you... Just torture you... Unless you tell me where the DISCs are."
"YO!!! Mr. President!" yelled Miguel. "Why don't you speak Sugondese?"
Funny turns to Miguel. "What-?"
"Sugondese nuts. Hey! Hey, Funny! Have you watched that South Korean movie?"
Funny stays silent.
"Train to Busta-Nut. Hey! Hey, Funny! Have you heard of my granny Itma?"
"Will you shut up!?"
"Itma-Ass, motherfucker! Hey Funny! Funny!"
Funny sighs and lowers his head. He then shakes his head.
"Did you know Stefan's brother? Snefan?"
Funny sighs. "..."
"Snefan Deez Nuts. Hey! Hey, Funny! Have you met my friend, Itchmab?"
"Will you please shut the fuck up?"
"Itchma-Big-Bawls!" yelled Miguel.
"Wow! He really hates you!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"You're the fucking reason I was trapped there for 3,000 years!" yelled Miguel. "So, Funny Valentine!"
"WHAT!?"
"Funny Valen-tyin' my legs around your head so you could ligma balls!"
"I will kill you," said Funny.
"I can't die, bitch! Why are you such a little bitch, Valentine!? Huh!? Why!? Bitch!"
"Your father is quite profane," he turned to Gabrielle.
"My father in this reality is only moderately profane," said Gabrielle.
"Pfft! You should meet my father. He was kind of a master of random bullshit," smiled Miguel. "My... father... who... betrayed me... by... beating me and offering me to... MABUS... *sniff!* Yeah... Life's horrible sometimes..."
Gabrielle sighs. "Hay Naku..."
"Anyway! Hey, Funny! The fact that you Americans are manifestly destined to conquer the world is full of shit!" yelled Miguel.
"You take that back!" yelled Funny.
"Nyanyanyanyanyanya!!!" Miguel yelled in singsongy while dancing. "The One wasn't reborn American!Hey, Funny! Hey! Why is the Bald Eagle your national bird!? All it does is attack things and fly away!Is that what all 'Murr-Icans do?Attack things and fly away?Hypocrites!"
"Will you please stop your father from roasting America?"
Gabrielle shrugs.
"Hey Funny! How many Americans can screw up a light bulb in America!?"
Funny sighs.
"None! Because that land isn't their own!"
"NO ONE'S LAND IS THEIR OWN, ASSHOLE!!!"
"Yeah... But the Natives were their first! Hey Funny! Hey Funny!"
"This is awfully racist of you..."
"I'm not racist! 'America' isn't a race! America is a land where a group of people is supposed to be free!Instead, it's a land filled with hatred, division, racism, and pretty fucked up people! For God's sake! I heard that you're a pedophile! You sick weirdo!"
"Oh, please! The legal age of consent in your country is 12!"
"For your information, it's 16, now!"
Note: That is... only technically true. The UN Convention on Rights of the Child in 1990 considers a child to be anyone under the age of 18... So... technically 12-17 is still a child. But Philippine Law... TODAY... states that it's 12... Which is... Y'know... Just glad that a Bill exists to up it up... Which is I could say is... Close enough? Not bad though! Not good either... Just a state of... Yuck... Not the government! Just the pedophiles out there. They're sick and deserve to die. Along with Serial Killers and Necrophiles...Or maybe I'm just biased because I prefer older women! Who knows!? MILFs for life! Elastigirl is awesome. Violet Parr isn't.
You're freakin' weird, dude.
I... I know...
"Hey! Hey, Funny!"
"Will you please stop talking!?"
"Sugondese P.P. Ligma Deez Bawls-Nuts and Itma ASS!!!"
Funny sighs. "I'm going to have to kill the both of you unless you don't cooperate. Which is what you're doing NOW!!!"
"You mean 'if you don't cooperate,'" corrected Gabrielle.
"Or 'unless you cooperate!'" smiled Miguel.
Funny punches Gabrielle in the face over and over again.
"HEY!!! STOP THAT!!!" Miguel growled. He begins crashing himself into the glass, trying to get in.
Funny stops as Gabrielle's nose bleeds while she bows her head.
"Where are the DISCs!?" asked Funny, clenching his jaw.
"I won't tell you..." said Gabrielle.
Funny then continues on to beat Gabrielle repeatedly again.
Miguel watches in pity. "Wait!"
Funny just kept on punching.
Funny then goes on and begins choking her. She turns blue.
"OKAY!!! OKAY!!! I KNOW WHERE IT IS!!!" yelled Miguel. "STOP!!!"
Funny sighs and lets go of her neck. "Where is it, Ibarra?"
"You're a fucking idiot..." whispered Gabrielle.
"The last three aren't in warehouses... You already know that... The last three are found up your mother's ass."
He then goes on to punch Gabrielle, but she's already gone.
"Your mistake was that you listened to the bullshit instead of watching the bullshit," smiled Miguel.
Miguel's hands are free. He had dislocated his thumbs and removed the chains from his wrists.
He then opens a portal and the pair leaves.
"GOD-!!!"
D4C opens a portal.
Miguel opens a portal to the outside.
"Where...?" asked Gabrielle. "Where's Narcos? Mercuria!? Nick!? Monroe!? Victoria!?"
"I checked the whole facility. They're not there..." said Miguel. "We have to get outta here..."
Miguel keeps Gabrielle on her feet and helps her walk away.
He opens another portal.
"They're going to hunt us down... We have to get back to the capital..." said Miguel.
"We have to find my friends..." said Gabrielle.
"We will... We just have to do the secret technique..." said Miguel.
Gabrielle sighs. "Fine..."
Miguel and Gabrielle run away. He opens a portal and they both leave... however... another portal opens and they end up falling into the ground, where they both fall into another dimension.
Funny Valentine faces against the pair.
"Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap!" yelled Funny.
"STONE FREE!!!"
"GET BACK!!!"
The tattoos on Miguel's skin along with his star glow.
Stone Free emerges from Gabrielle's body.
"ORA!!!" yelled Stone Free, but suddenly, Miguel is punched in the face.
"Gabrielle!" yelled Miguel. "Wait! It's me!!!"
In Gabrielle's eyes, she is fighting Funny Valentine.
"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA-!!!"
Miguel takes out his sticks and blocks all of the punches. "GABRIELLE!!!"
She can't hear him. She sees that she is beating Funny Valentine, but it is Miguel who is barely blocking her attacks.
"GABRIELLE!!!" yelled Miguel, struggling to use his sticks.
"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA-!!!"
*BANG BANG BANG POW BANG BANG BANG BOOM BANG-!!!*
Miguel opens a portal behind him and backflips into it.
Gabrielle punches an ORA, but a portal opens and she hits her own face.
"I'm sorry!" yelled Miguel. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
Gabrielle is punched in the face by Stone Free's fists, knocking her down.
Miguel then grabs her forehead and allows her to see true reality.
Gabrielle gasps. "Miguel?"
Miguel, who is bleeding and bruised all over, limps backward. "OUCH!?"
"But... I was fighting Funny!"
"No... Funny changed the angle of who was in front of you from another dimension's version of Funny Valentine. In our reality, you were fighting me."
"DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT CHEAP!!!"
D4C emerges from Funny's body.
"You did me dirty Valentine!" yelled Miguel. "That was such a filthy act! But it was at a reasonable price..."
"TOBU!!!"
Miguel tosses a stick toward Funny, but Funny blocks it and slaps it away. However, the stick boomerangs back into the back of Funny's head. This is because the stick took the shape of a boomerang.
Miguel grabs the stick again.
Miguel then whispers spells as he manifests wings on his feet. He then ran toward Funny at the speed of light, and Funny barely blocks the attack.
He then swings him toward Gabrielle, who blasts an ORA into his face.
He falls to the ground.
Funny then takes out a napkin and drops it on the ground. He then pulls an American Flag out of his napkin and lets the Flag fall on him. He, along with the flag, had disappeared.
"What the hell is happening!?" asked Gabrielle.
Gabrielle and Miguel sense Funny behind them both.
Gabrielle punches toward Funny, but her fist teleports toward Miguel. Miguel opens a portal and leads the fist into Funny's face.
"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!!"
Funny is beaten all over. Suddenly, Gabrielle blasts a punch into Funny's chest, killing him.
However... A Space Remnant from another Universe appears and takes his place.
"Another one?" asked Miguel. "Simple as a piece of a pie."
"Don't jinx it," Gabrielle facepalmed.
Other variants of Funny Valentine, sharing the same consciousness, appear before Gabrielle.
"Haha! No way! Now there's a lot more! And they share one consciousness! Holy shit..." said Miguel. "Yeah... we are fucking dead."
"Stand down, Gabrielle and Miguel... and we wouldn't have to keep fighting."
Miguel kept on standing. "Fuck America!"
"D4C!!!"
"TOBU TOBU TOBU TOBU TOBU-!!!"
*SPLAT!!! SPLAT!!! SPLAT!!! SPLAT!!! SPLAT!!!*
Miguel falls to the ground with holes all over his body.
A portal opens and Miguel, who is from the Time Room, appears and bops all the Funn's in the head by duplicating his arms with a Duplication Spell.
Miguel helps Gabrielle up. "Come on... We have to-!"
They turn to an entire army of 10,000 Funny Valentines.
"I have another plan..." whispered Miguel. "WE GIVE UP!!!" he yelled. "WE SURRENDER!!!"
*CLANG!!!*
Later...
"Ugh..." Gabrielle slowly wakes up and looks around. It's pitch black, but there's a box around them. She tries to listen and smell, but she can't pick anything up. "Miguel... Where the hell are we?"
Miguel slowly stands up, bleeding all over. "Son of a bitch..." Miguel closes his eyes and tries to sense their environment. "I don't know... It's just void outside."
Gabrielle tries to bang on the walls, but they hear silence upon touching the surface.
Miguel slowly stands up. "Shit..."
"What?" asked Gabrielle.
"We're in a pocket dimension..." said Miguel. "I didn't think Valentine was capable of creating one... I've only heard of spiritual beings and 4th-Worlders above are capable of making one..."
*CRACK!!! CRACK!!! SPLAT!!!*
Miguel makes himself bleed by stabbing his chest.
"What are you doing?" asked Gabrielle. "Whoa, whoa!"
"Hold my hand..." said Miguel, as he offers his hand. "It's fine... If I die here, we'll respawn in the Time Room..."
Gabrielle blushes and holds his hand.
He senses that she's blushing and that she's warm. "What's wrong?"
"It's..." she fidgets. "It's just that... This is the first time I've held my father's hand in years..."
"Ew. What? You have an Elektra Complex or something?"
Gabrielle sighs. "Kinda ruined it."
"Sorry... It's fine! I get it. Kids are into weird things these days. Just don't do any horrifying acts, y'know?"
"Didn't you do it with your Aunt?"
"Aunt by Marriage..." corrected Miguel.
Suddenly, they teleport into Prismo's Time Room.
"Yo!" yelled Miguel.
"Oh, hey, Miguel!" smiled Prismo. "Wut, wut!"
"Wut, wut, Face-Butt! Yeah... Valentine has the Crusaders and we need your help to locate them. We'll be staying here for a while, btw. So... y'know... The President won't detect us and that we won't cause a nationwide scandal.Prismo Bizzmo, could you please tell me the location of these people: Narcos Anastasia of Earth-Grimm, Mercuria Costello of Earth-Grimm, Nick Burkhardt of Earth-Wesen, Monroe... *cough cough!!!* of Earth-Wesen, and Victoria Polnareff of Earth-Grimm."
"Okay!" smiled Prismo. He thinks as he rubs his forehead. "They're nowhere."
"What do you mean?" asked Gabrielle.
"I mean that your friends don't exist," said Prismo.
The pair's eyes widen.
"Holy shit..." said Miguel.
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