章節 45: Chapter 45- I’m Sorry,
=PoV long ren because tbh, I don't think I'm good enough to do it in "3rd", it has always been a false 3rd PoV anyway=
I sat there, under the old yet beautiful tree rooting inside my backyard. My mind still felt hazy, everything that just happened…I don't know anymore.
Master told me he won't leave even if I disappoint him, but why? Won't you be better off leaving someone who brings you displeasure? Isn't that the reason why they left me?
Even I don't want to be around someone who only brings me down, I'd discard them, just like they discarded me…right? Isn't that how things always work? Even here?
I did what you ask me to, cultivate so I can be of use to you someday, there's no need for all this.
I looked at my left hand, my pinkie missing. It's not like it's useful anyway, so I don't mind, other than it triggering my OCD every now and then, but that's ok. I deserve it. It was the price since Master felt disappointed, right?
…
I really cut my own hand huh. How desperate was I to be bold enough to do this…My mind must be really stressed thinking about Yun Ning…
I don't get her. At all.
She's so gentle at times, yet cruel when we battle.
Her smile felt contagious yet her grin instills fear.
She wants to wholly spar with me yet she held back that much…
Why won't you just tell me that I'm no good?
Why won't you tell me what you need of me? Tell me something…help me help you, please!
I can't be around you if I don't know you're satisfied with me.
It just…it just hurts me, thinking you'll slowly start to hate me and leave,
…You're my friend…you won't leave me. Right? RIGHT?
…
I don't know anymore.
Master told me to live for myself. Live to make myself happier…that was easy when I'm alone but now…I can't.
I can't help but think of her thoughts towards me. Whenever we meet, I kept getting self-conscious
As I saw our distance getting further apart, I got more and more stressed, and afraid.
Maybe I should've never spoken to her.
Maybe, if that day, I would just stumble upon another cave we would never meet.
Maybe then, she won't have any expectations of me.
Maybe then I would be alone once more. Enjoying life without care.
But…is that really what I want?
I've enjoyed master and Nid's company all this time. They're…familiar, like my past older siblings, caring, tough yet soft at the same time.
Is that why I'm fine with them? And not you? You reminded me of them…those who are near yet far better than me.
Those who are close, yet unreachable.
Those I want to be with, yet kept cast aside.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of you seeing these pathetic sides of me.
I'm afraid of you knowing me for who I really am.
I'm afraid of you leaving…
Please…don't leave me. I…really don't want to be alone anymore.
…
I got up and steeled my fragile heart. Master was right. Yun Ning had been nothing but good to me, brutal, sure, but comforting to be with.
I really wanted to just keep this facade going. To keep our status quo of being equals, yet I can't anymore.
I can't lie to you anymore. I can't lie to myself anymore.
You're better than me, you're cheerful, outgoing, talented, all the while I'm…this.
But I'm done.
I want to follow Master's words. I want to live for myself. I want to be happier by making myself happy.
If you can't accept me after this…I genuinely don't know what I'd do…or be.
But I really hope you do, even if it's just for a bit.
…
I arrived at Yun Ning's master, Diona's peak.
I saw the grand house right in the middle of the land, surrounded by beautiful enchanting flowers.
Their smell invaded my nose as my mind started to turn still. It felt like consuming a [Clear Mind] pill passively.
That helped, thanks.
But it did not stop my erratic heartbeats.
Reels of disgusting memories started playing inside my head. Memories I'd rather keep buried forever in this life, yet now resurfaced.
I planned to never encounter these types of situations anymore in this life, yet here I am, possibly initiating its beginning.
…
Here goes nothing…
I approached the large marble-like door. Its surface reflected my pathetic appearance.
My whole body was messy after sparring, my face dark, showing my reluctance, yet I need to go on, I need to know.
Will she accept me for who I am? Will her face show contempt after all this? Will I be left alone once more?
"Haah." I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, what will happen will happen.
At worst I'll sulk back alone, cultivate, as usual, avoiding everyone. At best, we'll maintain our status quo.
I pushed my qi into the door, proclaiming my presence. Not long after, I felt her qi return, acknowledging me.
She will soon come.
And I will soon destroy what's left of us.
…
Sounds of footsteps rang muffledly in my ears, I can't keep my beating heart calm. It felt worse than usual.
I'm nervous. Very nervous and uncomfortable. My hands kept shaking as sweat built up.
I should honestly just run like I always do, but something inside me kept telling me to go forward. To, for once again, believe in someone, believe in a friend, something I've forgotten how to.
The door trembled abruptly, and they fell down in a fraction of a second, revealing her.
Yun Ning, wearing our standard clan's cultivator robes adorned with embroideries she made. I had one too but kept it inside my ring.
Her face contained her ever-so-silly smile, her eyes gentle as the calming breeze of the sea. She looked at me, surprised, as her ponytail swayed.
Of course, she will be, I've never visited her before, I never could.
A wry smile appeared on my face as I slowly waved my hand. Now that I see her in front of me, I don't know what to do. I've visited her on impulse after hearing Master's request.
What do I say?
Do I say I don't want to spar anymore? Won't that disappoint her?
Thoughts kept appearing in my head yet none are of help right now. Think, me, THINK!
In the end, my habit kicked in. All I could mutter out was something I've said a million times to them.
"I'm sorry."
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