章節 110: Understandably, This Is Terrible. (21.4)

…

"I want to return to my family, back to my friends, and the people I'd cared about." The words are harder to say than I want them to be. Even with my decision to act, committing myself to the act itself was incredibly difficult. My throat felt like it was being wrung through a sieve. Matching Lyon and Alf's gazes, raising my head to look at them both, made me feel like I was fighting against a boulder dragging my head down. "I hate Orario. I hate the Dungeon. I hate how people live here. This place is disgusting." I forced myself to state my thoughts, no matter how they'd make me look. I needed to make them see through my perspective. "I can't stand all of it. If I had any choice, I wouldn't be here."

There was no way I could say that I was from another world. Not without making Alf and Lyon feel as though I was mocking them. There was no point to explaining further. While my words were only part of the truth, it was a greater fragment of said truth, and if I had the option of explaining further, I would. But, that option was currently nowhere to be seen. I was afraid enough to say no more than that. I didn't want to seem immature or mad in the process. Not to them. Not now. Not here.

"When I first arrived here, I made a decision. Once I reached the bottom of the Dungeon, I would leave this place, cut ties, and never return." That was the plan that drove me to where I was now. The plan which had pushed me through killing monsters and plucking out their hearts, mercilessly beating thugs, and making myself as untouchable as possible. It was that thought that let me survive getting five friends killed and cutting ties with the first person in this world who I'd come to trust. I wanted to go home. "I didn't come here willingly. Not for power or wealth. I'm here because I have to be, because I don't have a choice until I reach the End of the Dungeon."

"…An impossible task. That's a death sentence, Hikigaya-kun." Alf's soft words struck a chord with me. Yeah, it was impossible wasn't it? If Cranel wasn't a "hero," someone with a destiny intrinsically tied to this worldand I was wrong about him, then that was the case. Again, my choice to continue trying to get home, to follow the words seared into my brain, was what kept me going. If the world was wrong, you destroyed that world, and made a new one. It wasn't impossible. Not if this was just a story with an unbeatable hero. "How could someone do such a thing—"

"You're better off asking Loki than me about that." Had a god sent me here? Something or someone with the power to send someone into a world filled with gods, souls, and magic? Did they create this world? Was it already present? Even I was merely sent here, where Heaven and Hell both definitively existed, from home, wasn't that reason enough for me to believe that I couldn't go against the wishes of the one who wanted me to reach the Dungeon's End? "Who knows how our Kami think?" For better or worse, whoever carved the words into my head, gave me power, and sent me here was my one and only god. I tried to laugh, but I could only muster a sigh as my throat caught. "Alf, there's no point in focusing on how I got here, or why I have to reach the End, only that I must or die trying."

They probably knew just how impossible my task was more than I did. There was a reason why I'd spent a good part of my first year in this world as a crazed man living off scraps and beneath porches. The creeping fear of never being able to accomplish a task, along with the prospect of an all-powerful being specifically sending you to another world for no stated reason, was something I could never let go of. There was something or someone out there who put me in a world where gods—. No. I took a breath. I wouldn't let those thoughts sink in. I couldn't. I doubted I could ever be treated with enough pity and greed ever again to be broken out of that particular cycle.

"Nothing is impossible. The Dungeon can be beaten. I can make it to the last Floor. I will be able to get back to my family." I had to believe those words. They were something I had set on repeat to counter the fear and despair constantly raking at my sanity. I didn't know if Lyon or Alf believed my words, but that didn't matter. I was presenting them the situation I was in, bereft of any lies save for the ones that would subvert the issue. "When I get there," or die trying, "I'll be leaving Orario and I don't intend to keep being an Adventurer."

A silence fell between the three of us. Both Lyon and Alf did their utmost best to control their emotions, to make sure I didn't feel guilt and choose because of them, but they couldn't conceal how they truly felt about my declaration. Their eyes were wide, they were speechless, and both were barely able to hold their tongues. In a way, I knew that I was using their care for me against them, but I didn't know any way around it.

The door creaked open and Tiona Hiryute walked through.

"H-hey, Hikigaya-kun." I matched the Amazon's teary gaze and did my best to ignore the trembling, half-born smile on her lips. "Y-you don't mean that, right?" I stayed silent. The short-haired girl walked towards me. Alf moved to stop her, but was unable to do so. The dark-skinned girl grasped at my sleeve. "Please, tell me that you're not going to become mortal again. Please… please tell me that you aren't… that you won't…"

In the end, I planned to go home and live a regular life in a world without magic.

One without a Falna on my back to keep me living for centuries on end while my family and friends back home died all around me.

And, even, if I retained my powers and long life upon my return home, I didn't plan to benefit off of them.

Both Orimoto and I agreed that we would keep one another "mortal" if such was the case.

Jeez, Hiryute, living past your 80s is pretty decent for the average Japanese man, y'know?

It's normal, that's how life's supposed to be, and wasn't that what I've been yearning for all these years?

…

Being with anyone as just yourself is impossible. The phrase "letting people in" is deceptively simple. Relationships, those that have the chance of being worthwhile, all carry an aspect of risk. The implication behind the phrase says more than the phrase itself. Wanting to be friends, to have people you trust, requires you to be vulnerable, to be weak, and open a path for you to be hurt. And, people hurt one another. Whether by accident or on purpose, simply living will result in one person hurting another. That is a fact. So, naturally, every relationship has the potential to hurt at the start, and one half will hurt other eventually.

There is no perfect route.

No way or means to make everyone happy.

Not if you didn't change.

It was unfamiliar thought, but one that I could understand.

Maybe it was because I'd made more mistakes than I could care to count, from both my life on Earth and in this world, but to accompany the facts I knew about relationships, I knew that problems were only as big as you made them to be. Impossible. Never. Insurmountable. All three were dependent on perspective. Of course, if you expected to fail, that meant that your best result would be failure. Was the way I chose to see the world healthy? No, but it worked, and I was still alive.

Maybe it was because I'd helped people overcome their problems, turning flaws into strengths and polishing what was already present, so I knew that through hard work and diligence, a person can change to better suit their environment and goals. Isshiki could never have been president if she hadn't changed. Totsuka couldn't have become tennis captain. Whats-her-name wouldn't have become a scholarship holder. Those were just the "normal" people I'd known. Here, in Orario, the stakes had been higher, situations much worse, but they overcome their situations through their own efforts… and a little help.

Maybe, I just didn't want to keep myself before more people I cared about and hurting them because I was unwilling to change. First, it had been with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Second had been with Hecate. Then, it was with Laulos. Now, it was with Viridis, Hiryute, Alf, and Lyon. If I kept on as I was, then this situation was always going to keep occurring. Even if the situation wasn't my fault, even if some aspects were caused by things outside my control, I was still the person who chooses how to react. I couldn't expect any differences in my life, if I kept living it the same way I always did.

Naturally, simply, and frighteningly, I knew that I had to be willing to let others help me so that I could change.

…

"That is what I plan to do." I wasn't very good at compromises. In my defense, I doubted that anyone was. The definition of compromise was "everyone is equally dissatisfied." Not something I would allow. I preferred to be as content, fulfilled, and happy as possible. However, if the cost of that was everyone else feeling miserable, then the solution was a simple one. Perhaps it was because I still haven't kicked my habit of throwing myself under the bus when given the opportunity to do so, but I liked to think that I was doing it because wanted to change. I couldn't break Hiryute's grip, so I settled on placing a hand on her shoulder. "But… but that isn't set in stone."

Indecisiveness went two ways, I suppose. On one hand, it can make a bad situation worse through ignorance. On the other hand, it could be used to give everyone a chance. I wanted to go home. I wanted to stay. Both were mutually exclusive decisions that would hurt people I cared about no matter which I chose. As cowardly as the thought sounded, I… I didn't want to shoulder all of the responsibility of that choice. It may have been something my past self would've been unable to accept, it felt like making other people into scapegoats for my decision, but… but if they did care… wouldn't they want to convince me to stay?

"Convince me to remain here. Convince me to remain as an adventurer." As I currently stood, I wanted to go back home and live a regular life. Memories of my family and friends from there would never be forgotten. I will reach the End of the Dungeon as the words burned into my mind told me I should. The reason why I was second guessing myself now was because of the people I'd met and grown to care for, such as the four before me, so it was only logical that I'd give them the chance to convince me to stay. I looked at each of them in turn and wondered what they would do. "I'm willing to listen." An open mind. That was all I was going to give. Still, it felt like I was turning my back on my home. This was as far as I was going to go. "I… I won't ignore what you have to say."

I expected apprehension, maybe even shock or disbelief, but in the gazes that met mine all I was saw was determination.

...