章節 96: Even Though, Matters Need To Be Addressed. (19.2)

…

There was a fine line between being smart and being an idiot. Just like no one believes they're the "bad guy," no one ever thinks they're an "idiot." Most people like to think they're above average. That sentence alone tells the entire story. Most people believe they're above average. Yep.

The truth of the matter is that human beings are rarely as smart as they think they are. We have our moments of ingenuity, but they balance out with terrible instances of extreme stupidity. I, for one, am glad that I'm near the average because that naturally means I was unlikely to be any more stupid than most people. Brilliance and idiocy comes hand in hand. The smarter you are the more stupid your stupid moments are. Humans are naturally min-maxed at birth and it's really just necessary to find the correct place to stand in to be the most effective. Source: me.

Anyway, given my streak of brilliance as a Yakuza crime lord in the past few months (lol), it was natural that my next bout of idiocy either recently happened or was about to happen. So, going over my actions since I'd been returned to sanity, there was only one occasion in which I could've been an idiot and assumed that I had been an idiot. From my knowledge of odds and statistics, harnessed from my delightfully average Mathematics grade, I had either done something completely and utterly stupid to balance out my months spent uplifting Orario into a decent state, or was about to be an idiot on a massive scale in the near future.

Naturally, I wanted to believe that I'd already been stupid and my slate was already clean, so I endeavored to be courteous, diligent, and responsible, now that I was given another chance to know more about him and his plans. I'd rather be an idiot on my own terms.

Go ahead, you worthless exposition character, provide the explanation for just about everything that ever happened and will happen, tell the audience everything they need to know.

Wait, wasn't I supposed to be doing something about this (lol)?

…

Say what you want about the Hermes Familia, they pulled off the "surround the enemy and point all your weapons at them" scene very well. Within the span of a heartbeat, I was behind the frontline, bows and ranged weapons were drawn, and Mr. Totes Not A Final Boss was surrounded. Andromeda was holding vials and had them readied the same way one would use explosives. Damn, I really wanted explosives. So what if I could literally make a lightning storm? Lightning storms didn't go boom! Well, not unless there was enough lightning, but you get the point! I wanted explosives that I could throw at people without flashy noises or bright glowing!

Anyway, the defensive/assault formation was made irrelevant within a second as Fels simply teleported right before me.

"My, my Hikigaya-san, you keep company with quite the jumpy sort." I eyed him over. Yep. He still looked like a Final Boss. Good to know my eyes didn't somehow get worse while I was mad. He was as ominous and blatantly important as I remembered him being. Seriously, though, the reason why he can't just teleport anywhere and deal with every problem is going to be a shitty one. If he could escape an encirclement from the center without moving anyone, that meant he could literally move through space as he wished. What sort of bullshit reason does he have for literally not winning everything? "Though, I suppose with all these secrets, they would be naturally like this."

"Who the hell are you!?" Andromeda went through her lines with the anger of one not in the know. Though I'd suspected that "Perseus" was just playing dumb, it seemed that she really hadn't suspected anything besides what I had told her. That, of course, meant that a god I'd deemed useless beyond dragging me into the investigation was more of an important character than I'd thought. How surprising (not). How completely shocking (not). How unexpected (not). Zaimokuza. how dare you make your self-insert so important, you fiend. Exclamation mark. Interruption imminent from the cowboy god Hermes. "What are you doing here—"

"His name is Fels and he works for Ouranos." Ha, ha, ha! Called it! Yes. I still got it. Twelve hours of being a decent human being hasn't destroyed my ability to see everything through the lenses of anime! I can still stereotype people to the point where I know exactly what they're going to say next! What a shitty superpower that is! Goddammit, why can't I make this shit sound cool?! Dammit, just keep going with the scene! Stop with the dramatic pauses and slow walking, you shameless self-insert character! "Everyone, put away your weapons. You're more likely to hurt yourselves than you are him."

"You give me too much credit, Hermes-sama. I am but a humble Mage." Fells bowed from his waist with flourish. A western bow too. Seriously, Zaimokuza, you're going to confuse everyone if you keep mixing cultures together. All of Loki's brats give me Japanese bows when lessons start, dammit! Have some integrity! Don't just change up the whole world just because you want a cool illustration of the Final Boss Lookalike bowing to your power fantasy! "I would have quite the difficult time fighting against everyone present. Mostly because of Hikigaya-san, but your Familia would tip the scales in his favor quite decidedly should combat ensue."

"Ouranos told everyone that he disbanded his Familia. That's the reason why no god goes against him and his Guild." Augh. Exposition. Augh. Boring. Why can't I interrupt this again? You don't know any of this yourself, Hikigaya-san. Thank you, Common Sense-san. You're welcome, Hikigaya-san. Are you doing something later? I'm sorry, Hikigaya-san, but I'm not interested in pursuing any relationships. Ah, as expected of Common Sense-san, you truly live up to your name. Thank you, Hikigaya-san. "Even if you're the only one left of his Guild, Fels, the other gods will be very cross with Ouranos for being unfair."

"I am no adventurer any longer, Hermes-sama. The days in which I can be blessed by divine favor have long passed. I am a mere agent of the Guild seeking to protect Orario." This is boring. So boring. Can't the posturing stop already? I get it. The Hermes Familia gets it. The audience gets it. Fels is a big deal even to a god. The god is still a big deal to Fels. Ouranos isn't supposed to have a Familia. Five minutes or less, people! Less than one hundred words if possible! If your speech goes longer than that you need visuals and actual talent at speaking! So far I'm seeing none of the latter and I don't see anyone bringing out a tasteful slideshow! You'd all be fired if I was your boss! You're both unqualified for corporate slavery and that's just plain sad! "Rest assured Ouranos-sama has no intention of rigging the scales in his favor in this divine competition between gods."

"Yet, here you are appearing before my Familia while being kept a secret from everyone else." How insightful. Truly a wondrous measure of intellect. It's a wonder how the world has managed to go on if statements like that are sequestered away. Hermes-sama, please have mercy on our world and share more of your profound wisdom with us. The obvious is never obvious. The truth cannot be the truth, not unless it's stated aloud. Man, I was hungry. When was the last time I ate? Was there someplace nearby I could get some food? Wait, I was supposed to be paying attention, right? Stay strong, Hachiman! Oi, Common Sense, you told me that you weren't interested! "This doesn't look like not interfering in the slightest." Oh, Hermes tipped his hat to have a shadow cover his face. How original. "So, why don't you go ahead and tell everyone what you need to say while I mull over sharing a few new facts with the rest of my fellows about our dearest neutral party?"

Naturally, Fels took that as his cue to spread out his gauntleted hands and present himself to everyone present. Again. Not interested in a monkey's paw which turns every wish into killing everything. Also, all the endings are bullshit. No one is happy and everyone dies in the end. Fuck off with your rejoicing.

"Hermes Familia, you have lost one of your number to a foe which threatens the entirety of Orario! They are an old foe, a cult who wishes for monsters to return to the surface, composed of dark gods and mad zealots!" Oooh, the overly religious are the bad guys? How original (not). Honestly, the whole secret society that worships the big bad as the main enemy isn't anything new. The idea is probably the edgiest of edges to ever edge. Also, it's probably going to be the shitty reasoning why none of our enemies will take prisoners or be taken as prisoners. Joy, an enemy that the protagonist can mourn fighting over, but is validated in killing because they had no other choice. How insightful (not). How deep (fat chance). "In their possession is a new breed of monster, one which can hide away until they reach the sun, and they seek to use them to tear the city apart!"

"The Violas." Andromeda, I know you're supposed to be smart and saying things aloud is a good way to provide that, but please have more faith in the audience. Oi, why are you looking at me. "It's just as you said, Hikigaya." Hmmm, what did I say again? I'm sorry, but despite my ability to never stop thinking, I seem to have forgotten what I said. Go ahead and say what I'm right about please. Remember to say that I'm right. Emphasize that part as much as possible. "A proxy war between adventurers and monsters is being waged."

"That is indeed the case, however there is a key point of information that you are all currently missing." Fells reached into his flowing coat and produced two sketches. One was of a woman who looked like she could bite a car in half and the other was a sphere which held… a fetal monster? Huh, well this world just got creepier than I expected. Were there baby monsters wherever monsters grew from or what? Were the walls of the Dungeon made of monsters? Or were the monsters made of the Dungeon? Were they all attacking because they were driven mad due to being unable to figure it out? "This assassin is currently within Orario and intends to release a Monster Rex from the Fortieth Floor within the city in the next three hours." What? "Why three hours? Because that is how long the defenses I have constructed will be able to keep all monsters within the city asleep."

So, in short, I just started an investigation quest which would lead into a dual boss fight for the sake of the whole city while an entire army is set to arrive in a week's time.

Joy.

...