章節 21: Climbing The Stairs (2)
Rows of people wearing black, silent murmurs, trickles of rain, cold air, and faint sob. I am extremely familiar with this scene. Looking ahead, I can see two coffins set side by side.
I inhale softly, and an unforgettable scent enters my nose.
It's the scent of death.
Laid lifelessly inside the coffins were my parents. Standing in the middle of them while giving a speech on the podium, is the priest. I don't register any of the speech. My attention is focused on the hand holding mine.
I look up only to see the crying face of a 10 year old girl. I know who this girl is, and I instantly figure out what is happening. The girl is Christine, and I am currently recalling the memory of the day of my parents' funeral.
I remember exactly what happened on this day. While everyone was crying, I didn't shed a single tears. It wasn't because of my ignorance about life and death — I already knew what is death at this point.
It's because I already knew, I couldn't cry.
Many people think when they die, they are leaving the world. Many people think death is the disappearance of one's soul. But, I don't think so. I think differently.
When we die, we don't go anywhere. We don't go to hell or heaven. We stay. We also don't leave anything behind, because we don't go anywhere.
What I considered my parents have never been the soul, but the body. That's why I was confused when they told me my parents had left Christine and I behind.
I could still see them. They were lying in the coffins!
Lifeless? Sure? Dead? Yeah. But, they are my parents. Those bodies are what I have called 'Mom' and 'Dad' for the 6 years of my life. I have never considered their souls as my parents. That was unrealistic, and stupid.
Therefore, I couldn't cry. Because, I didn't lose my parents. It was my parents who had used up their chance to see me.
But, to say it was the entire reason I didn't cry would be a lie. When I looked up at the crying Christine, my usually bright and cheerful sister, I felt a weird sensation in my chest. Dislike, hate, anger, and helplessness are mixed into one.
At that point, my brain quickly concluded I didn't like seeing her sad. Therefore, I couldn't cry. Because, Christine would be even sadder if I did.
Since that day, I promised to be strong, to never cry, to be the backbone of my remaining family.
Since that day, I forgot how to feel.
...
My brain plays Bleach OST — Here to Stay for whatever reason. But, it somehow suits the mood.
I am lying on my bed, eyes open, staring at the curious eyes of a teenage girl. They belong to Christine. It seems I haven't waken up from my dream yet. I am still recalling memories.
I am already in my last year of middle school at this point, and Christine is already in her first semester of college.
"Don't you want to wake up?" Christine said.
"I do. But, get off me first."
Christine merely chuckles, and gets down from my body. I sit up on the bed, and observe her appearance. Black hair, lithe but fit body, blue eyes, and long legs. She is the epitome of perfection.
My sister, Christine, is a femme fatale.
"Did you fall for me?" Christine asked jokingly.
"Unless you trip me, I won't."
"Huuh... This insensitive guy." She sighed.
I shrug. No matter how beautiful she is, and no matter how much I want to date her, she is my sibling. I can't do something wrong that I know I can easily avoid. Therefore, I have always played dumb to her advance.
The scene quickly changed to my high school prom night. Graduation is already close, and the school decided to throw one. I have too many girls asking me to go with them, and I asked Christine to go with me because of that.
She agreed, but she makes fun of me the entire way. Upon arriving there, many curious eyes are planted on us. Being the main characters of the world, we pay them no mind. We act as if we own the room.
Many guys try hitting on Christine, but they are humiliated by her instead.
That's a good time.
The scene changed once again. It is the day where Christine and I go to a psychiatrist. Christine said I'm too numb, so she wants to check what happens to me. Well, not really.
I have just pulled out someone's intestines out, and Christine is worry about my mental state. I'm fine honestly. He tried to mug me. So, I don't feel any remorse.
Still, since it's Christine, I can't just refuse her request.
So, here I am, questioned by the psychiatrist about trivial things and such. He gives me a personality test — paintings that I can't understand — and asks me about my reaction on many things.
He asks many questions about life, and he keeps paraphrasing the same question. At this point, I'm already suspicious of what he is doing. But, for the sake of Christine, I play along.
He tells me to go to a Neuropsychiatrist, but he gives me the same test he has given me before. The only difference lays in the scanner put on my head.
By the time the test is done, Christine and I are called by my psychiatrist. We sit in front of my psychiatrist, and he casually says the thing I have predicted he would say.
"Your brother is diagnosed with ASPD and Psychopathy."
Christine is shocked, she can only cry at home. I already know all along I am a psychopath. Ever since the death of my parents, I knew something wrong was going on in my head. My neurons are altered.
That's why, I can hardly feel emotion.
Still, Christine is very supportive of me. She even loves me more than before. She is the one who stops me from doing any erratic thoughts I have in my head in my teenage day. She is the only thing that can make me feel once again.
That's why when I recall the memory of her marriage, I really want to kill her bastard of a husband. I trust her to him only for him to fool around, creating mess for her, and leave her behind. I don't even know what's the point of their marriage.
Christine struggles by herself, and I can only watch. She strongly rejects me from helping her. I, being a psychopath, feel no obligation to go against her wish.
That's why when everything is fucked up, I hate myself for the first time.
I lost the person I love, and it is not because I couldn't do anything. But, because I was born different. I was born to 'think', not to 'feel'. Therefore, I make a wrong decision.
I wish I have hearts. If I did, maybe Christine would be alive and happy.
The song ended, and I wake up with wet eyes.
...
Last night was crazy. Asako and I literally fucked for hours. Even the snowstorm stopped before us.
Because of that, I went home at 2 in the morning. Luckily, Maiko was still awake. Therefore, she could open the door for me.
I feel a little bad for her. So, now I am cooking her something that will warm her body and heart alike.
Yes, I'm cooking Motsunabe!
As Nabe is a family portioned food, I am cooking it for everyone, including myself. Today, I won't be eating balanced food, I will be eating Nabe with my family.
"Hoam... Hachi, you are awake already?" Maiko who has just come down, said to me.
"Yup, and I am cooking for us!"
"You don't have to do it. I can cook for us."
"Nah, you just rest on the sofa. I know you're tired."
With a grunt, she lays her body on the sofa, and proceeds to snore. She is still tired from staying up late last night, apparently.
"Hoam... Onī-chan, you are cooking?"
"Good morning, princess. Yes, I am cooking."
"Uwahh.. that's so corny. But, I like it! Kyaa! I just got 200 Komachi points!"
"Well, just quit yapping, and take a bath."
Komachi pouts at me, before going back to her room. Then, she comes back with a red box for me. Judging by the shape, I know what it is.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Onī-chan!"
"Thank you."
"Is that all?" Komachi looks at me expectantly.
I actually don't know what to do. But, I'll do what Christine has taught me to do in this kind of situation.
I kiss her!
"Kyaa! O-o-onī-chan?"
On the forehead!
What? Were you expecting me to french kiss my sis, you perverted Four Dimensional Beings?
"Now that you have my thanks already, go clean your ass!"
"T-that's vulgar, Onī-chan!"
"That's how Americans tell their kids to clean themselves."
"Really?"
No. But, meh. Komachi will never go to America, so I think it's fine. Therefore, I just shrug my shoulders. Being an airhead she is, she nods her head seriously.
Ah, so wrong yet feels so right.
Right after Komachi went to the bathroom, Maiko stands up from the sofa, opens the fridge, and gives me a chocolate bar. I haven't seen this chocolate, so she must have hidden it somewhere.
"H-here. I'm sorry it's not handmade. I didn't get the time to make one." She said shyly.
I chuckle, and proceed to hug her. "A wise woman once said, 'See it not by the worth, but how much thought put into it.' I can tell how much you think of me, so it's already enough for me." At this, Maiko merely sighs.
"Just how many girls you have made cry?"
"None. Everytime I rejected them, they became more hyped instead. 'I won't give up!' they always said."
Well, actually there was one. But, she wasn't here. Furthermore, she is no more alive.
"That's not what I mean, idiot. But, I'm glad you didn't become a Playboy." Maiko lets go of me, and kisses me on the cheek.
When she is about to return to her sofa, I hold her hand to make her stay in place. She looks back to me in wonderment, and I merely kiss her forehead.
A good man shall always return what he has been given!
She is startled, but I get a good laugh out of it. This mother of mine misses the touch of a man so badly, she is even blushing because of a mere kiss from her own son. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
With that,my Valentine's day starts.
創作者的想法 
Frona_Gorgophone
Frona_Gorgophone Psychopath is not crazy people. What makes Psychopath violent is their yet developed brain. Because they can't feel emotion, they can't judge whether they are doing a bad thing or a good thing in their teenage day.
Fun fact: Some actors and world leaders have been diagnosed with Psychopathy. They can still live normally, and act like a normal person. We are psychopaths, not lunatics.
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