章節 151: Chapter 5: Just Friends ll
Apparently my afternoon siesta during Isakova's class refreshed me more than I would have thought, because I was feeling pretty chipper as my project team packed up our bags and headed home. Perhaps I was enjoying the pleasant company of good friends, especially since Sasha was flirting with me for most of the walk. But I also think it had something to do with the gurgle of hunger in my stomach and the prospect of a delicious dinner I'd been looking forward to all day.
See, Brooke and DJ had informed me they would be making my mother's meatloaf, accompanied by steamed vegetables and their own scalloped potatoes. Actually, it was BOTH our mothers' meatloaf, a recipe perfected since college by the two women collectively, and I could almost smell it already. I really didn't know why we didn't make it more often, but my calorie-depleted body craved the comfort food, and now that the appointed hour approached I found myself walking a little faster than usual.
"Slow down, Speedy," Sasha called as she reached out and grabbed my hand, physically slowing me down. I hadn't started running or anything, but I was outpacing my friends.
"Hrm. Grog need meat," I grunted while patting my belly with my off-hand, letting Sasha slow me down. And when she didn't let go of my hand immediately, I shot her a look with raised eyebrows.
Sasha blushed and gave my hand a squeeze before finally releasing it, and then Bert came up on my other side, slipping his hand into mine and giving it a squeeze. When I jerked my head around in surprise, he made a kissy face and batted his eyelashes. So I promptly stiff-armed him into the bushes.
There were no more incidents before we reached the house. Brooke and DJ were already at work in the kitchen, and we four Seniors quickly dumped our bags, pulled out our study materials, and then pointedly ignored the texts while striking up fresh conversation.
At some point, Kim disappeared into the kitchen to help out the girls, but I was distracted dropping sexual innuendoes into my dialogue with Sasha. We were seated quite close together, our knees touching and smiling too broadly to be totally innocent. Right about then I started to realize just how far she and I were pushing things, and I turned around to try and bring Bert back into the conversation when a blonde bombshell suddenly dropped herself into my lap, tilted my head back, and planted a supervolcanic kiss right on my mouth.
It was a meaty kiss, and I really mean it. My eyes closed automatically at the touch of DJ's lips against mine, but they popped open a second later at the taste she was feeding me. Apparently she'd had a chunk of meatloaf in her mouth, a glob she had now finished transferring to me. Pulling back, she smirked and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Well, whaddaya think? Just right?"
Figuring I could just roll with it, I chewed a bit and then swallowed thoughtfully. And when I was done, I looked up at her and smiled. "Perfect."
DJ beamed, and I patted her on the butt until she slipped off my lap and returned to the kitchen. Since I'd already turned to face Bert, the first thing I saw was his head rotating to follow the sway of her ass as she walked away. But when I glanced back at Sasha, her eyes were entirely on me.
"You know, I've been meaning to ask you," she said quietly, although there was a flash of danger in her dark eyes. "Exactly what is your relationship with DJ?"
I thought about it for a half-second before explaining, "We're friends."
"Just friends?"
"Well, we're not dating or in a relationship or anything."
"Are you fucking her?"
"Umm..." I began, pulling back in surprise that she'd just asked me that question point blank. "That's not really the sort of thing we talk about."
"But are you? Ben, just level with me. Please?"
I blinked quickly, doing my best to read Sasha's face. I really DID like this girl, and while a part of me suggested that I lie to her in order to keep Sasha's favor, the bigger part of me knew she suspected the truth anyway. And besides, it's not like Sasha and I were going to start our own relationship. We'd agreed that to do so would be a bad idea, so it wasn't like I'd be cheating on her or otherwise preventing us from hooking up. At the same time, I glanced back at Bert, who had figured out that DJ and I were occasionally knocking boots last year. He shrugged and nodded to me.
"Well ... yeah," I said finally. "It's not something we're really hiding; but at the same time, we're not trying to make it public knowledge, either."
Sasha's eyebrows furrowed at my admission, and her lips pursed. She seemed to be turning it over in her head, and just at that moment, DJ decided to return. I was pretty sure she'd heard that exchange, and just in case Sasha had any lingering doubts, DJ decided to drop herself back into my lap and snuggled her face against my cheek.
"We're friends – intimate friends," DJ explained with a toothy smile before once again sealing her lips over mine. But this time, I felt like she was trying to show off, and I broke away from the kiss early. She played it off, giggling cutely as she turned back to Sasha while setting the side of her head against mine, adding in an overly sweet tone, "As long as that's alright with you."
"Yeah, sure. None of my business," Sasha replied a little uncomfortably before glancing at her lap and fiddling with her thumbs.
Just then, Kim called out from the kitchen doorway. "Hey DJ? Brooke needs your help with the potatoes."
DJ turned to look at Kim with a frown, and then sighed in resignation. She didn't hop off my lap right away, instead turning my chin to hers and searing one more white hot kiss across my lips. But then just as suddenly as she'd arrived, she bounced off, and I was left feeling quite awkward between Bert and Sasha.
"So..." Bert began slowly. "Maybe we should use the time we have left before dinner's ready to actually get some work done."
"Good idea," Sasha agreed.
She didn't flirt with me much after that.
"See you tomorrow," Sasha waved as she stepped off the porch. Bert was already two feet toward the sidewalk.
"Bye," Kim called with a wave of her own before backing up and closing the door.
I was already halfway back to the living room. "DJ? Can you come up to my room for a minute?"
The beautiful blonde turned to look at me, breaking off her conversation with Brooke. Shrugging, she got up and followed as I hopped up the stairs.
Being a Wednesday, I had to get changed for my Ballroom Dance class, and I didn't have a whole lot of time. So I was already in front of my closet with my polo shirt off and glancing around to pick out the right button-down when my bedroom door closed and DJ gave me a sultry look from across the room.
"Hey, we need to talk," I explained as I turned to face her. But before I could say another word, she crossed over to me, held a finger to my lips to shush me, and dropped to her knees. Her hands immediately went to my jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling down the zipper, and I suddenly had to reach down and grab the waistband, holding it up while barking, "Whoa, whoa!"
"But we don't have much time before you have to get to class," she pouted while looking up at me, biting her lip sexily.
"Deej, I really mean talk." I took two long steps away from her to emphasize my point.
"About what?"
"About us."
"What about 'us'?"
I sighed. "What was that little stunt you pulled down there?"
"What stunt?"
"Don't play coy with me," I growled harshly.
Like a scolded teenager, DJ's entire body slumped and she made a quarter-turn away from me, crossing her arms over her chest. "It was just a kiss."
"You've never just planted yourself in my lap and then planted one on me like that. Not in public."
"So? What, like you're embarrassed about me? Am I supposed to be hidden away like some illicit mistress?"
"No, and you know it. This is about Sasha, isn't it?"
"Well what if it is?"
"DJ, you have nothing to be jealous of."
"Don't I? Seems like you two haven't been able to keep your hands off each other lately."
"We're just friends."
"Bullshit." She turned back to face me with military precision and fixed me with a cold stare. "Have you fucked her yet?"
"What? No!" I insisted. "We're friends. And besides, how could I possibly have banged her when you've been doing your level best to keep me drained dry every moment for the last few days."
"Hmph!" she smirked triumphantly. "So it IS working."
"What?" I looked agog at her. "You've been screwing me JUST to keep me away from her?"
"Well, you haven't nailed her yet, have you?"
"DJ ... Sasha and I were never going to hook up."
She waggled her right index finger in my face. "That's not what -I- saw. Not what Brooke saw, either. Admit it, you two are totally hot for each other."
"We're just friends. She's coming off a bad break-up. I'm coming off a bad break-up. I'm not about to start dating anybody."
"Who said anything about dating? You don't have to be dating me to fuck me."
"That's different. You're different."
"You mean I'm easy," she muttered dispiritedly. "A convenient lay."
"DJ!" I barked. I stepped forward and held her sides in my hands. "Do you really believe for one second that's the way I feel about you?"
"One second? Yeah. Totally."
"Well don't." I leaned forward, brushing my lips against hers quite softly, rubbing them and caressing them as tenderly as I could while feeling her heat up beneath my hands and then lean into me. The kiss we shared then was not supervolcanic, but rather full of passion and endearment and yes ... love ... And when we finally pulled back, our lips remained stuck together for an extra half-second as if even our skin did not want yet to part. "Deej ... You're special."
Her sky blue eyes softened, moisture shining over both orbs as she stared at me.
Squeezing her sides, I leaned my face down toward hers just fractionally and stared deep into the back of her soul, reassuring, "DJ, I love you. I love what we do together. But I'm not ready for a relationship... any relationship ... with you or anyone else. That's just where I'm at."
"How do I know that?" she whimpered, her voice cracking a little. "Because from where I'm sitting, it kinda looks like you just don't want a relationship with ME. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? But when someone you might TRULY care about comes along ... like her ... All of a sudden it looks like a relationship might be back on the menu for you."
I shook my head firmly, and then looked DJ back in the eyes. "I like Sasha. I do, I'll admit it. But they're very different feelings from what I have for you, and she and I really ARE just friends, nothing more, not even fuck-buddies. I've never slept with her and I'm not going to, okay? You and Brooke and Paige are plenty of woman for me, and you leave me wanting for nothing."
Now a tear did fall from DJ's eye. "You mean that?"
I nodded. "I do."
Sniffling, she then flung herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and losing herself to sobbing convulsions. I patted her back for a minute while she let it all out, and when she began to calm down I switched to slow strokes up and down her spine.
Gradually, DJ got her breathing under control, and that's when I felt the touch of her lips against my neck. Then her nose nuzzled its way up my chin, and her hands directed my face downwards to meet her for another slow, tender kiss.
But a minute later, her lips did not pull back from mine. Instead, she tilted her head to the side and opened her mouth, letting her tongue extend to meet mine. Her grip on my head intensified, and the next thing I knew she was tugging me with her as she backed up toward my bed, finally hitting the edge and then falling backwards and pulling me on top of her.
The action finally separated our lips, and as I planted my hands on the mattress to keep myself above her, I gave her an apologetic shrug. "Deej, I really do have to get to dance class."
"You can be late. I'll make it worth your while," she husked in a smoky, bedroom voice.
I chuckled. "I have no doubt that you would. But seriously, you have Worn. Me. Out. these past couple of days. I need a breather, or I won't be able to stand at class, even if I show up."
"Then don't. Why do a stuffy waltz with some pimple-faced nobody when you could be doing the horizontal lambada with me?"
Now I let out a full-blown laugh. "I don't know. Wait, actually I do. I happen to LIKE dancing. Turns out, when I put my mind to it, I'm pretty good. And I want to get better."
"Even if it means leaving me wet and horny for you?"
"You're always wet and horny for me."
"Damn fucking straight."
I smiled. "Tell you what. Let me go now, and when I come back, I'll start teaching you so that maybe a few years from now, we can show off our super-cool moves as a big surprise for our wedding guests."
DJ's eyes popped open, the crystal blue shimmering. "You really mean that?"
I grinned. "Sure. Why not?"
DJ yanked my head back down to hers, searing me with a fierce kiss that was anything but tender. Her hand slid down my spine and into the back of my jeans, palming my ass while her other hand circled around front and tried to get at my button. But when I felt her doing that, I swiftly seized her wrist and then rolled off her, sliding off the bed and walking purposefully to my closet.
"I really DO have to get dressed," I said apologetically.
"Fine, fine..." she moped behind me, watching as I stripped off my jeans, pulled on some dress slacks, and then began sliding into my dress shirt.
After another minute, I was done tucking my shirt in and threading a belt through my pants loops, and I turned back to face her.
DJ reclined on my bed, having stripped herself naked while I was dressing. She stirred two fingers in her juicing snatch before smearing her juices on an erect nipple, and after raising that big ole titty to her own lips and licking her sweet nectar off the wet teat, she stared at me with a sizzle in her irises as she said, "I'll be waiting right here."
I almost joined her on the bed then and there, but I didn't. I went to class.
An hour and a half later, she really WAS waiting right where I'd left her. And THEN I joined her on the bed.
Wednesday's dinner seemed to mark a turning point in my relationships with both DJ and Sasha. Although DJ didn't discuss anything with me, over the next several days it became clear that she was determined to spend more time with me, and not just in the bedroom. On Thursday morning, while I shoved the last piece of waffle in my mouth, DJ also grabbed her backpack and got up alongside me.
"Walk you to class?" she offered with a beaming smile.
I glanced at Kim for a moment, shrugged and replied, "Sure."
The three of us headed out the door together, engaging in idle conversation. Kim kept sneaking glances down to where DJ had been holding my hand since the front porch, her eyes clearly wondering if there was something I wasn't telling her. And about halfway to class I simply reached out and took Kim's hand as well, walking between two stunningly beautiful girls and enjoying the admiring stares I got from other students around the campus.
We parted with a kiss at my classroom (DJ, not Kim), and then she left to go meet up with friends or something. I didn't think much of it until Kim and I finished our classes at 11 and walked out only to find DJ waiting for us once again. We had lunch together, but then DJ had to take off for her early afternoon class while I was free until 4pm. And I didn't see the bubbly blonde until dinnertime. But while she often took those Thursday dinners with her friends, today she and Brooke returned, which made it four nights in a row the girls had come home for supper, the first time they'd done so since the beginning of the year.
Friday was more of the same, and that night the girls made it five dinners in a row.
While this was happening, my flirtations with Sasha were going in the opposite direction. She wasn't avoiding me or anything, but the sneaking hand touches and tickle fights went away. We still hugged each other hello and goodbye, and she still came by for dinner on Friday before heading off for her weekend. But the simmering sexual tension between us had clearly cooled off, most noticeably so whenever DJ was around and Sasha rather pointedly kept her distance.
I tried not to let it bother me. After all, Sasha and I were just friends, and too much sexual tension between us would be a bad thing. As for DJ's increase in affection, I simply chalked it up to (A) competitive jealousy over the flirtations I'd done with Sasha and (B) the fact that I wasn't resisting her. Although nothing explicit had been spoken, it seemed pretty clear that DJ was quite willing to take anything I would give her, up to and including marriage. It was dependent entirely on me to specify the line she couldn't cross, and so far, that line hadn't been met.
In fact, it was Kim who reminded me to put some brakes on the level of intimacy DJ and I were sharing. Friday night, DJ and I passed out together in bed in the wee hours of the morning, too sexually exhausted to return her to her own bedroom. So Saturday morning, Kim had to remind me I wasn't supposed to be cuddling overnight with anyone, not just because those were her standing orders but because it wasn't fair for me to continue leading DJ on if I wasn't going to give her the relationship she so desired.
"I let the Tuesday overnight thing with Brooke slide because she's your sister and she's not hunting for you as a boyfriend, but you shouldn't let that become a habit either," Kim warned.
So Saturday night, when DJ cuddled up to me naked, sweaty, and oozing sperm from both of her sodden holes, I reluctantly got us both up and into the shower to clean off, and then sent the dispirited but reluctantly understanding girl back down to her room.
A week later, I would feel really bad about that. You see, that Saturday night would be the last time DJ and I had sex for quite a while, through no fault of our own. Sunday morning DJ woke up with a fever and a nasal cavity plugged full of mucus, not exactly a physical condition conducive to wild and crazy sex. After three days, the fever only got worse, as did the rawness in her throat, so we took her to the doctor and found out she had a nasty infection.
And because of this infection, directly or indirectly, my relationships with both DJ AND Sasha completely changed.
"So where's your arm candy?" Sasha asked as Bert and I met up with her outside Cheit at lunchtime Monday morning. She reached up for a hug.
Giving her the hug, I popped my eyebrows, still a little surprised every time Sasha cracked that kind of joke. After a year spent with her avoiding all such references, I had to remind myself it was a sign of how comfortable she was around me and not meant in any mean spirit.
"DJ's home sick. Must have caught a cold," I replied. We wouldn't know until Wednesday that DJ had developed an infection as well.
Sasha abruptly released me and then gave me a light shove in the chest. "Better not hug you anymore then. There's a bug going around and if she's got it, it's only a matter of time before you get it and then pass it on to me."
I shrugged. "I've actually got a pretty good immune system. Fingers crossed."
Just then, a gust of cold wind blew across us, chilling my exposed face in an instant. All of a sudden, Sasha was once again pressed against my chest, her arms wrapped around me from within my unbuttoned jacket. Her cheek nuzzled up to the warm cotton of my sweater, and with tiny steps she rotated us until my back was directly into the wind, taking the brunt of the weather while she safely nestled in the leeward side of my body.
After a few moments, the wind died down again, and still with her arms wrapped around my back she looked up at me with big brown eyes and a wide smile. "Thanks. I just get cold so easily."
"Anytime," I replied with a smile. And then feeling his gaze on the back of my head, I quickly turned and held a palm out to Bert, short-circuiting his snide comment. "Don't even think about it."
Bert simply grinned.
"So what's for lunch today?" Sasha then inquired, still hugging herself up against my warmth.
"Actually," I began with a wince. "I need to get back home right away. Why don't you two go ahead and get some food without me?"
"Without you?" Bert frowned. "What's going on at home?"
"DJ," I explained. "She's really under the weather and I'm picking up soup for her."
"Oh, that's ... sweet," Sasha said, letting go of me and then backing up. The look on her face said that my gesture wasn't quite as sweet as her words might indicate.
I shrugged and started backing away. "I'll see you guys this afternoon?" We still had Isakova's class later on.
"Sure thing," Bert replied.
"Bye..." Sasha waved, looking sad. But I didn't have time to worry about Sasha. Not today.
Indeed DJ was waiting for me. She was isolating herself in the house so as not to infect her friends, and besides she felt more comfortable resting in her own bedroom for the duration. On Sunday, she had more or less taken care of herself, popping Dayquil pills to combat the fever and congestion, and making chicken noodle soup to bring into her room while the rest of us stayed out in the living room. But this morning she had awakened to find herself sweating profusely despite shivering from cold. I had sat with her most of the morning, since Brooke had early AM classes and I didn't. But eventually I'd needed to leave her for my 11 o'clock, and with a gentle kiss to her searingly hot forehead, I'd promised I would hurry back with soup.
Fortunately, it seemed that DJ had managed to get some sleep while I was gone. She was still out when I returned, and I set the soup down on her desk while retreating outside to the dining table to eat my sandwich. I'd left the door to her room open so I could hear if she woke up, but she didn't for some time and I occupied myself by getting some homework done.
DJ woke up around 1pm, and I re-heated her soup a little bit before propping her up on the bed and spoon-feeding it to her. The normally radiant beauty looked particularly haggard, with black bags under her eyes, pallid skin, and limp hair. It seemed to take an enormous effort for her to suck down the five or six spoonfuls I gave her, and then she simply couldn't eat anymore, slipping sideways off the pillow mountain I'd created and finally coming to rest on her side in the shape of a letter 'L'.
I whispered soothing words and stroked her hip while she shivered and clutched the blankets around her. A few minutes later, I was about to ask whether she wanted any more soup, but before I could she screwed her face up and groaned pitifully.
"What's wrong?" I asked in worry.
"I fucking need to pee," she moaned. The Gatorade bottle I'd left on her bedside table was 90% gone, and her need to pee was a good sign she was getting enough fluids.
DJ tried to slide herself off the bed just once, getting her feet to the floor before pausing and panting on the edge of the bed, unable to muster the energy to stand up. So I scooped one arm under her knees and the other around her back, bodily hoisting her up and carrying her to the bathroom where I set her down with my shoulder under her armpit, helping her get situated.
For lovers as intimate as us, there was no embarrassment as DJ snaked her pajama pants and panties down and sat to pee. I knelt next to the toilet, holding her shoulder while she urinated and then wiped herself dry. And then I remained where I was so she could use me as a crutch to get up and wash her hands after she was done.
Looking like death warmed over, DJ turned and collapsed against me once finished, and I picked her up again to carry her back to her room. I got her situated on the bed while she shivered beneath blankets no longer infused with her body's warmth. And I sat back down on the desk chair next to the bed, stroking her hair and giving her tender kisses to her forehead and cheeks.
She managed a tired smile, and then frowned at me. "You shouldn't have to do this."
"I like doing this."
"Nobody likes doing this. I'm sure there are better things you could be doing with your time."
"Perhaps," I nodded. "But I do like being here for you."
"But you don't have to."
"It's what a good boyfriend would do."
DJ fixed me with a stare. "But you're not my boyfriend."
"Let's be honest: that's a technicality. I care about you, you care about me, and we've certainly been quite intimate. So unless you've got some other guy I don't know about who might step up to take care of you..."
"No," DJ replied softly, her eyes fixating on mine. "Just you. Only you."
I smiled. "Then I'm here for you." And I gave her another peck, this one on the lips.
DJ sighed. "Seriously? I had to get sick for you to treat me like more than a fuck-buddy?"
I frowned. "Have you been feeling mistreated? Neglected?"
Closing her eyes, she squeezed them shut a little harder for a moment and then relaxed, although her lids remained shut. "Not 'neglected' ... Just ... I don't know. You know what I want, Ben."
"And you know why I can't commit like that."
"Dawn."
"Not just Dawn. Don't you want us both to be dead sure about this before we start another relationship?"
"I'm dead sure." Her eyes opened briefly, a fire in her irises for a moment. But then the fire dimmed, as did the overall energy in her body. And tiredly, she closed her eyes once more.
I exhaled, stroking her hair. "Why me, DJ? There are a thousand guys on this campus who would kill to be with you, guys who don't have nearly the kind of romantic, emotional baggage I'm schlepping around."
"Doesn't matter. I don't want them. I love you. I want you."
"What's really so special about me?"
She opened her eyes again, staring at me with a quiet intensity that belied her weakened state. "I'm hot. I know I'm hot, at least when I'm not feeling like this. I notice when fifteen pairs of eyeballs zip right to my tits when I walk into a room, whether I'm wearing a low-cut blouse or not. I see the way guys turn into simpering, drooling idiots when they try to talk to me, even the buff, handsome ones that are used to having success with pretty girls. I know I'm attractive, and I know I'm desired, but the simple fact is, I don't desire any of them."
I furrowed my eyebrows, but remained silent.
"Dayna told me about some of the shenanigans she got into when she was here. She told me that college would be the best time of my life, full of sexy, confident people only too willing to explore new experiences with me. She went wild is what she did, and she told me that I could do the same if I wanted. But I haven't wanted. That hasn't interested me. Playing the field and trying out new guys like they were pretty shoes at the department store isn't my idea of having a good time. Because I've already FOUND the perfect pair of shoes, and all I want is HIM."
I blushed, feeling my heart thudding in my chest at the heat in her gaze.
"I'm not a kid with an infatuation anymore. I'm not even Dawn's little sister who grew up idolizing HER boyfriend. We've known each other for too long now. We've been a part of each other's lives since you first fucked me that summer I turned fifteen. And it's been more than a year living with you under this very roof. I'm not in love with 'Fantasy Ben' anymore. I'm in love with you."
"But I'm not being fair to you," I replied quietly. "I haven't given you the relationship you want."
"You've been more than fair. I know the score. I know the scars Dawn left on your heart. You've been honest with your feelings, with your concerns. I know you're trying to look out for me, trying to make sure I don't get hurt. You rebounded with me once, and it was a disaster. I get it. I get it. You're not ready yet."
"But what if I'm NEVER ready?"
"I have to hope. I have to believe. I have to be patient, and well ... I have to keep trying to change your mind. Because I know ... deep down in my heart ... that someday you're gonna love me the way I've always wanted."
DJ panted for breath, winded by all that talking. She continued to stare at me, the fire in her eyes lingering longer than the energy in her body. But eventually, even that slowly faded, and she closed her eyes once more to concentrate on simply enduring the aches and pains running through her from head to toe.
Again, I leaned forward and kissed her forehead, and then I sat up straight and rotated the desk chair a few degrees away from her. I sighed, feeling sorry for not yet being the man she wanted me to be. Part of me wanted to fling caution to the wind, to promise her the world and let the consequences be damned. But then I realized that I hadn't talked to Dawn in quite a while now, and I wondered what she was doing.
I'd told Sasha before that I couldn't be with HER because of my feelings for Dawn, but now that I looked at DJ and reflected on her pure and total love for me, I wondered just how much I really did feel for the older Evans sister anymore. I'd already asked myself multiple times if it was finally the moment when I would truly let Dawn go. And today again, I considered it once more.
Maybe when DJ got better, it would be time for me to truly put the past behind me and move forward. Maybe it would even be better if we DIDN'T wait for her to get better. That way, DJ and I could build a foundation for a relationship that WASN'T based on sex, but on conversation and the heartfelt way I wanted to care for her during this illness.
Maybe it was DJ I was really meant to be with ... forever...
"I won't screw up the way she did," DJ said quietly, drawing my attention and causing me to rotate the desk chair back. Her eyes were still closed, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I won't make the mistakes she made. I'll be better. For you, I'll be better. No second-guessing about the road untraveled; I've been there, and I like the path to you better. No selfish needs for pleasure beyond what you give me; there's no such thing. I'll love you with every fiber of my being. I'll give you my complete and total devotion, and I'm not scared for a moment about giving it to you. Because you see ... you already have it."
She started crying now, and I slipped off the desk chair to kneel next to the bed and brush away her tears with my fingers. That just made her cry harder, and I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of her emotions that all I could do was stroke her hair and touch her cheek, helpless to do anything to truly make her happy.
Well, you're not completely helpless. You KNOW what she wants.
Am I ready?
How are we ever ready for anything?
What am I supposed to do? Say 'screw the consequences', give the relationship a try, and hope for the best?
Yeah. You know what that's called?
What?
LIFE.
Presently, DJ calmed, and with her eyes closed and her jaw slack, I thought she'd drifted off to sleep. But as I sat back on my heels, she mumbled softly, "You should get to class. I know you've got a 2 o'clock."
"I don't have to go just yet," I replied soothingly, stroking her hair again.
"It's okay." She opened her eyes, blinking away the last bits of moisture as she looked at me. "Brooke will be back soon."
"I'm already here," my sister replied from behind me, and I suddenly turned around in surprise.
"How long have you been there?" I asked cautiously.
"Long enough." Brooke gave me an appraising look that told me she'd heard quite a bit. She crossed the room and then tapped my shoulder, gesturing me out of the desk chair. "I'll take it from here."
I sighed and looked back at DJ.
"Go," the semi-conscious girl urged. "I'm going to fall asleep again in two seconds anyway."
I kissed her one more time, this time on the lips, and then stood to yield the chair to my sister. "I'll be back before dinner."
"Okay," DJ replied with a sigh. "Love you, Ben..."
I had started to leave, but reached up to touch the door frame and turned around. My response felt completely natural.
"I love you, too."
Monday night the project team got together for dinner, as usual, but we didn't get much work done. Kim took on cooking duties while I went to sit with DJ for a bit, leaving Bert in the living room to try and teach Sasha how to play NBA 2K6 (not very successfully). DJ actually fell asleep again, cuddling my hand between her palm and her cheek, and it was a few minutes before I dared extract myself to return to the living room.
My friends and I ate and chatted and got a little work done, but after the meal when Sasha looked to flirt with me a little more, I heard DJ awake and excused myself to spoon-feed her some food. And when it was time for me to go to Krav Maga, Brooke returned home to take over babysitting.
Tuesday was more of the same, although Faye Nguyen stopped by to take a turn sitting with DJ while both Brooke and I had to go to class. That was the first time I really wondered to myself why I hadn't seen Faye around all that much recently, given that she and DJ had been best friends throughout high school and even most of their freshman year. But now wasn't the time to inquire about the group's social dynamics, and besides, Brooke had now caught whatever bug that had waylaid DJ. That led me to declare the house off-limits; no point in risking exposure to Bert or Sasha more than they had to, and I even encouraged Kim to spend her free time outside the house if possible.
I skipped basketball in the evening and wound up sitting upright in DJ's bed reading a book while she slept on my lap. And when I inevitably fell asleep alongside her, nobody disturbed us until the morning when Kim came to check on us, finding me awake and simply letting me know she was leaving for class.
After Kim left, I glanced down and found that DJ was stirring awake. Her eyes closed, she mumbled, "Who was that?"
"Kim."
She sighed. "Come to scold us for violating the overnight rule?"
"No, actually. Just making sure we're okay."
DJ mused on that, and then fell back asleep. I stayed with her for another couple of minutes, and then slipped out of bed to go through my morning routine.
When I got back to her, I found that DJ was only getting even more frail, and that ibuprofen wasn't making a dent in her fever. Making things worse, I had two charges today, with Brooke's condition deteriorating as well. Fortunately, Joel Cha came to the house to take care of HIS girlfriend, and eventually DJ shooed me away to get to my eleven o'clock class. But when I got home after that class just after noon, I walked into DJ's bedroom to find that she'd thrown up all over the floor. And deciding that over-the-counter medicine and chicken soup wasn't cutting it anymore, I bundled her up and put her in my car for an emergency trip to the doctor.
That's when we were informed that DJ had developed an infection: nothing exotic just the result of too much mucus stuck in her sinuses for too long. After that was a trip to the pharmacy and then finally back home. I didn't make it to either of my afternoon classes, nor my ballroom dance class that evening, but there was nowhere else I'd rather be.
You would think that walking to a car, being driven to an office, and sitting in a chair for a while wouldn't be the most exhausting activities in the world, but for DJ they had been just that: exhausting. Our little excursion seemed to wipe out what little reserves of energy she had remaining, and she actually fell asleep on the ride home, which led to me carrying her bridal-style into the house and putting her to bed. She napped until dinnertime, and awoke just enough to swallow a few spoonfuls of soup and suck down half a Gatorade bottle. After that, I suggested that she get some more rest, but proclaiming that she felt "icky", DJ told me she really needed a shower.
"Help me, please?" she asked with sunken eyes and absolutely ZERO sexual heat. Beautiful and desirable as she might be, it was the request of a helpless human being who lacked the physical capability of bathing herself, not a come on from the girl who wanted to be my girlfriend.
Instead of a shower, I carried DJ upstairs to my bathroom, which had been renovated to include a much larger tub. I drew a warm bath for her while she sat on the toilet seat giving me a little smile. After fashioning a makeshift pillow out of towels at the far end, I carefully stripped her naked and then helped her sit down in the warm water. And then I stripped and slid myself in behind her, letting her recline against my bare chest while I lathered shampoo in my hands and began to clean her.
Despite her nudity and buoyant breasts bobbing on the surface, my cock was anything but erect. This was a very intimate setting, no doubt about it, but DJ's weak state and obvious discomfort weren't arousing in the slightest.
And yet, although sex was the last thing on my mind, there was something really ... nice ... about what we were doing. DJ seemed to agree as she purred contentedly while I ran my fingers through her hair, careful to keep any bubbles from sliding down into her eyes. We didn't talk, except for me to give her directions on turning her head or sitting upright so I could soap her back. Eventually I did start forming a chubby and DJ smirked to feel it while I soaped up her breasts. But I deflated again when I was done, and DJ was tired enough from the simple act of being bathed that she chose to relax against my chest for a long while, breathing deeply until I began to wonder whether or not she'd fallen asleep on me.
"Thank you," she said quietly with her eyes closed, answering that particular question. "This was really nice."
"My pleasure," I replied. "But we're not done yet. I've still got to rinse you off."
"Lemme just enjoy this a little more, please?"
Like I was going to say "no" to that. I waited her out, idly massaging her shoulders or her scalp. I stroked her upper arms, and yes, I rubbed my palms over her tits a couple of times. But eventually the water began to cool and when she announced that she was ready, I stood DJ upright and drained the tub while turning on the detachable shower head to rinse soap and shampoo from both of us.
Once cleaned off, I replaced the shower head on its holder. DJ turned about in my arms, slid a hand around me and to the back of my head, and then tilted my face down to hers for a kiss. Our tongues intertwined for a long time while the warm spray cascaded around us, until finally she had to break away to breathe and her knees wobbled from weakness.
After turning off the shower, I lifted her out of the tub and onto the bath mat, drying her first before myself. I dressed us both in our pajamas and then escorted her down to her own bedroom, and when I climbed into bed alongside her, DJ gave me a weak smile, asking, "Are you sure you're supposed to be here?"
"Probably not," I replied, sliding beneath the covers and then drawing her body against mine.
Breathing shallowly as she was already starting to fall asleep, DJ mumbled, "I think the rule says you're supposed to pork me and then go back upstairs to sleep."
"Well ... one can draw the logic that if I don't pork you, then I don't have to go back upstairs, right?"
Grinning so wide that even her closed eyelids seemed to smile, DJ hummed, "Oh, so I guess once I get healthy again, I should cut you off from sex so I get to cuddle alllll night."
"Well, I wouldn't go that far..."
She giggled, I laughed, and we settled in for the night. And fortunately, things started looking up from then on. Brooke's reaction to the flu virus turned out to be relatively mild, and while she was out of commission through the end of the week and feeling weak for several days more, my little sister was at least back on her feet by the weekend. And with medication, DJ's fever broke on Friday and she was ambulatory soon after that.
The following Monday, as she prepared to return to school, DJ tried to kick me out of her room, explaining, "I can change myself thank you very much."
"But I like watching you get dressed," I complained. "And after all I've done for you this last week, don't I deserve that much at least?"
DJ laughed and replied tiredly, "For being with me near 24/7 since Tuesday, I probably owe you the fucking of your life. But it's not gonna happen anytime soon. Even without my period draining the life outta me, right now I feel like the walk to class alone is going to wipe me out."
"That's okay," I replied, reclining back on my elbows with a silly smirk on my face. "All I want to do is watch."
With a sigh, DJ turned to face me and then did that crossover thing with her arms to lift her baggy T-shirt over her head. Her spectacular unfettered breasts were just as firm as ever, and actually looked bigger than ever on her skinny frame. But my expression sank to see just how bony she'd become in only a week, her ribs making obvious indentations in her torso. And since she expected me to wear a shit-eating grin as I ogled her naked body, DJ looked down at herself with a frown and asked, "Do I really look so bad?"
I blinked a couple of times, forcing myself to smile. "You just need a couple of cheeseburgers, that's all."
"Flu/infection crash diet. I'll have to remember that one." Exhaling weakly, DJ turned to her dresser drawer, fished out a bra and fresh underwear, and then began to change.
But despite the gorgeous girl getting naked five feet away from me, arousal was the last thing on my mind. You'd think I'd be hornier than ever, having gone more than a week without a single ejaculation. Even Paige had skipped our regular Tuesday, on her period in addition to the flu virus quarantine of my house. I'd been too pre-occupied with DJ's illness to worry about my own selfish desires, and despite my lack of orgasms, I actually felt completely satisfied.
That's because over the past several nights, despite it not being our intent to do so, DJ and I had gotten around Kim's moratorium on overnight cuddling, and not just a stray night here and there. Since that first Tuesday evening, I'd slept in DJ's bed each and every night. I'd cradled her deteriorating body in my arms, kissing the tears of pain from her eyes and squeezing her frame as if I could hug away the sore aches. And after going such a long time sleeping alone in my big bed upstairs, being able to cuddle with DJ night after night was even more rewarding than sexual gratification.
I loved her. She loved me. And something between us changed in those consecutive nights. For more than a week, I didn't worry whether or not our relationship might last forever. For more than a week, I didn't wonder what might happen to us when or if Dawn returned. And to be frank, for more than a week I didn't think about my budding feelings for Sasha.
To tell the truth, I didn't even ponder my feelings for DJ. All I thought about was how sick she felt, how much pain she was in, and what I could possibly do to make her feel better. I didn't analyze my actions or scrutinize each moment for all possible consequences. I simply did. I simply said. And I simply loved the best way I knew how.
And it all came together for me the moment DJ stood up from her vanity mirror and turned around, fully dressed for school and looking skinnier but otherwise none the worse for wear. I'd completely missed the voyeurism of watching her get dressed, despite my previous plea to do so. Instead, I'd been coming to this epiphany, and my epiphany was this:
Through the things we'd done together, through the way I'd taken care of her, and through the way I had loved her in this last week, I had made myself MORE than "just" her friend. I had BEEN DJ's boyfriend. We hadn't even had sex during this transition time, but it was true all the same. And instead of worrying about what might happen in our futures, all I could think about was how HAPPY that idea made me. How RIGHT it had felt to be with her like that. And how much I'd miss it if we ever went back to being "just friends".
Could I let that happen again? Was there no going back, even if I wanted to? There was only moving forward, after all. Sunk costs and what's past is past and all that jazz. I loved her. I LOVED her, didn't I? She was everything I could ever want in a girlfriend. How could I possibly turn that down? I wanted her, she wanted me, and maybe it was finally time to choose her.
"How do I look?" she asked, running her fingers through her flowing blonde locks, looking decidedly more mature than she ever had while wearing the braided pigtails.
"Perfect," I replied, only now bringing my focus back to her face as I smiled broadly. "Absolutely perfect."
Despite my little epiphany, I didn't tell DJ about the seismic shift in my feelings for her. I was still being cautious, certain of my feelings and yet unable to NOT wonder if they were the result of an intense but short period of time, and whether or not they would fade.
DJ and I went our separate ways for the majority of Monday, and when Bert and I rendezvoused with Sasha for lunch after class, both of them expressed their shock at my presence.
"Look! He's alive!" Bert exclaimed, holding my shoulders and shaking me gleefully (if overdramatically) for Sasha's benefit.
"Like I didn't see her for class just on Friday," I drawled.
"But only for classes, at least the last week or so. No longer on nursemaid duty?" Sasha asked with raised eyebrows and a smirk.
"DJ's feeling fine," I replied by way of explanation. "And I'm hungry."
"Deli?" Bert suggested.
"Thai?" Sasha offered.
"After being cooped up in the house for the last week, I feel like sushi," I said. "It's the one thing I absolutely can't make at home."
Sasha made a face. "Expensive."
I shrugged and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "No worries. My treat."
"You don't have to do that," she replied, sliding my hand off her shoulder.
"What? It's not like I haven't bought you lunch before."
"All the same," she sighed. "Thanks, but I don't need your charity. I can pay my own way. Every time you're buying, it makes me feel like I ... owe you something..."
I glanced over in confusion to Bert, who shrugged at me. I faced Sasha straight up and said sincerely, "You know that's not my intention, right?"
"Of course not, but I feel it all the same."
I frowned. "I'm sorry. Whenever I paid for your meal before these last couple of months, you never mentioned anything."
Sasha blushed and glanced down. "Yeah, well things are a little different now."
I arched an eyebrow. "Different?"
Sasha darted a look over to Bert, and then back to me. "You know what, forget the whole thing. Let's just get sushi."
"No, it's okay. Thai food works. You're on a budget, and it's really no big deal to me."
"No really, it's okay. I'll just get a teriyaki bowl or something. Alright?"
Both of us looked at Bert. He clicked his eyes back and forth between us, a smug grin on his face like he knew something we didn't. With a shrug, he agreed, "Let's get sushi."
The three of us left Cheit and headed for our local Japanese hole-in-the-wall. We had a pleasant meal, and then Bert had to head across campus to get to his next class. That left Sasha and me with some free time until Isakova's Econ course later in the afternoon, a period during which we usually half-studied/half-flirted, at least in recent weeks.
Unfortunately, things between us weren't quite as carefree as they once were, and our interaction was rather subdued today. We actually spent a good amount of time in silence, concentrating on our studies. After a while, I looked up and really noticed how quiet we were, but instead of making some off-color remark or some other teasing comment, my sense of unease led me to keeping my mouth shut and returning to my book.
A moment later, I noticed in the corner of my eyes that Sasha had picked her head up and was similarly looking over at me, recognizing the growing awkwardness of our silence but unable to really say anything to break it. And when I glanced up at her, she rather hurriedly averted her gaze back down to her study materials.
The two of us played this game for several minutes, feeling the tension, but neither of us brave enough to do something about it. Every time our eyes met, one of us looked away. And by the end of that period, I realized I had gotten exactly ZERO amount of useful studying done.
"Okay, this is ridiculous," I finally sighed, closing my book and leaning back against the concrete column behind me. The two of us were sitting on a bench outside one of the buildings, on the ground floor and shaded from what little overhead sun dared to peek through the thick layer of Berkeley fog. I had both feet up on the bench as I reclined, the book on my lap, and as I dropped my knees to sit cross-legged, I gave Sasha a frank look and asked, "What the hell is wrong with us today?"
"I don't know," she exhaled, closing her book a little more gently and then giving me a resigned shrug. "You feel it too?"
"Is it the sushi thing? You didn't want Japanese, but you felt like I dragged you there?"
"No, no, of course not," Sasha sighed, running a hand over her head and through her long brown hair before circling it back so she could cup her jaw, with her elbow planted on her right knee. "I would have thought I'd be happy to be doing this with you again after like a week apart."
I frowned. "But you're not?"
She pinched her lips together, thinking about it for a moment before shaking her head in the negative.
"Did I do something wrong? Say something wrong?"
She shook her head again, her brow furrowed in thought before she sat up straight again, asking, "Do you love her?"
"Huh?"
"DJ. Do you love her?"
I exhaled. "It's ... complicated..."
"But of course." She still looked at me expectantly, my answer not diverting her one bit.
I sighed, set down my book, and then pulled my knees back up toward my chest and rested a forearm across them. I looked away for a moment, trying to work out in my own head the feelings I had long felt for DJ, and the way I felt for her now having gone through her illness. I had said the words to her, albeit in passing response to her own declaration. Was it really so difficult for me to confirm them to Sasha?
"Yes," I stated finally. "Yes, I love her."
"And she loves you?"
"Yes."
Sasha took a deep breath, and then looked away, nodding her head up and down. "Okay then. That's that."
"What's that?"
"Me ... you..." Her finger flicked from pointing at her chest to being pointed at me and then back to herself. " ... Us ... We're not going to happen."
I blinked. "Right ... Not happening. Didn't we talk about this already?"
"We did ... But..." Sasha winced, waffling her head left and right. "I guess ... I mean ... My head always knew it. But my heart and ... well, let's be frank ... my pussy ... still wanted to believe."
I nodded, understanding. We'd admitted to each other multiple times by now that we were attracted to each other, all while simultaneously informing the other that we would never hook up. The reasons for this were all well and good: bad timing, recent break-ups, and the ever present specter of Dawn. But still, the hopeless romantic in me wanted to believe that something special could develop out of my attraction for the gorgeous brunette, and certainly the sexual creature inside wanted to fuck the shit out of her.
"I think that's why it was okay with me when you bought me lunches before," Sasha continued, looking down at her hands. "And why it wasn't okay today. Before, it sorta felt like preliminaries to dating: we were flirting, you were buying me food, and I didn't feel any sense of obligation because I thought the possibility remained that we might eventually get together."
"But you don't think that anymore?"
She shook her head. "I sorta knew when I opened my eyes and saw you and her together. I mean, I always noticed how flirty and hands-on DJ was with you, especially ever since she broke up with her boyfriend way back when, but I never really noticed, you know? Guess I was too wrapped up in my own infatuation with you."
"DJ and I are really just friends."
"Don't give me that, not after you dropped your whole world to take care of her this last week."
"She's a special friend. We've known each other since we were little kids."
"I've known a lot of people since I was a little kid. Doesn't mean I'm in love with them. Or are you going to claim to me this very second that you're not 'in love' with her?"
I pursed my lips and looked away, unable to say such a thing. Two weeks ago, maybe I could have rationalized something about 'familial love' being different from 'in love'. But not today. Today I wasn't sure. I knew I loved her, but 'in love' with her? Perhaps 'in love' with what DJ and I could potentially be?
"Picture this," Sasha said, before I could finish with my own ruminations. "Picture her telling you, 'I'm sorry, I really like you but I just don't think it would work out between us. I'm moving on.' How would that make you feel?"
I thought of cuddling DJ in my bed this morning, and I thought of her leaving and telling me not to come back. The thought pained my heart.
"Picture her telling you, 'I've found someone else. I'm going to be with him instead.'"
The thought soured my stomach, and I had to choke down the bile rising up my throat. DJ couldn't. Not when I was finally ready to be with her.
"Okay, that settles it: You love her, or at the very least you want her. More than I want you, at least."
The sudden shift to Sasha's wants threw me. "Huh?"
She sighed, gesturing toward me with one hand. "I saw what was happening between you and DJ, so I pictured those very things with you. I wondered how it would make me feel for you to tell me you were moving on and didn't think things would work between us. I pictured you telling me you were going to be with her instead of me. And I had to admit to myself: that was an outcome I would be okay with. I like you, and I would miss the opportunity to be with you, but nothing more than that. You'd just be a great guy who got away, but it wouldn't KILL me to think I'd lost my soulmate or anything."
I frowned.
"But the look on your face, the one where I suddenly felt the urge to back up lest you vomit all over my shoes ... THAT'S the feeling I never got." Sasha sighed. "That's the expression of how much you really CARE that ... well ... that you never gave to me."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I still feel bad, like I led you on or something."
"No, you did your best to tell me there were other things in your life. Leading me on would have been promising to love me forever in time if only I would wait for you, and then manipulating me into your bed just 'for now'."
I frowned.
"That would have been the Big Ben I'd heard about. That would have been the man-whore out for another notch on his bed post."
"I'm not--"
"I know you're not," she cut me off, giving me a tight smile and then a mournful sigh as she looked away.
We both lapsed into silence for a moment, alone with our thoughts. I was fighting the guilt I had over having feelings for this beautiful young woman who had gone through so many hardships in her life already, while also trying to wrap my head around the epiphany of love for DJ I'd experienced just this morning.
"So what's the deal? Why aren't you and her together already?" Sasha finally asked.
"Same reasons I couldn't be with you. I'm not ready yet."
Sasha shook her head. "Bullshit. You and me not getting together was one thing; our feelings weren't quite settled. That's not the case with you and her: You love her, she loves you. Now you guys ride off into the sunset to your happily ever after. Isn't that how this is supposed to work?"
"If only it were that easy."
"It could be."
I looked at her ruefully. "My own romantic experience would seem to say otherwise."
"Yeah ... well, I wish you two good luck." Sasha thought about that for another heartbeat before adding a firm nod, her jaw set. "I hope you find your happiness, Ben."
"Thanks, Sasha."
She then sighed again, looking somberly out toward the grassy knoll in the distance. "Guess this should make things easier between us, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"You ... me..." Her finger flicked back and forth between us again. "No more romantic tension. Just friends, right? The way we were always supposed to be."
I nodded and smiled. "Just friends."
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