章節 94: The Text ll
Ryan put down his knife, nudging the grilled chicken aside. Then picking up his spoon, he scooped the vermicelli with garlic and olive oil up on his fork and then planted it against the spoon to twirl it into a neat ball.
One bite later, my boyfriend was smiling at me in satisfaction. "It's delicious, babe."
I grinned happily. I'd gone all out for this dinner, and it felt great to hear that approval. "Glad you like it."
We ate and chatted and generally acted like we had the first couple of weeks we'd been dating. Ryan was on his best behavior, actually helping me bus the dishes and get cleaned up, something he hadn't done in a couple of months now. He was attentive and thoughtful. And it really felt like our relationship was starting fresh, like we'd gone back to the honeymoon phase.
After dinner, we cuddled up on the couch and found that Breakfast at Tiffany's was playing on TV. It was one of my favorite movies and I lay my head on Ryan's shoulder, happily feeling the warmth of his body while delighting in all of Holly Golightly's antics on the screen.
But at the same time, I felt Ryan actually getting more and more tense as the movie went on. I asked him about it once, near the middle, but he shrugged and said he was fine. But I could clearly tell that something was on his mind.
Still, Ryan was a macho kind of guy and prided himself on keeping control over his emotions. Not wanting to upset him, I tried to focus on the movie and knew that he'd talk if and when he needed to. And sure enough, after the credits rolled, Ryan wanted to voice the questions on his mind.
"So when are you going to tell your parents you're moving with me to Fremont?" he began without preamble.
I was just returning to the couch after turning the lights up. I shrugged as I sat back down and looked at the clock. "Uh, tomorrow I guess. It's a little late now."
Ryan glanced at the clock and nodded as well. He sighed and clenched his hands a couple of times. Clearly, whatever he was thinking about right now was the same thing that had been making him tense up during the movie.
"Ryan," I said soothingly, reaching out to take his hand. "What is it?"
He took a deep breath and then looked at me, his blue eyes sharpening. He frowned and paused before finally saying, "I told myself I wouldn't ask you about him, but I have to know. How did Ben take it?"
"Take what? Us?"
Ryan nodded.
I frowned and looked away. "There was nothing to say. You and I are together. He knows that."
"Come on, Dawn. I know you two. I WATCHED him fuck you. Don't tell me more things didn't happen overnight."
"Would you be upset if they did?"
He bit his lip and frowned. But after taking another deep breath he said, "No. I can't be upset when I'm the one who set you two up. Locked you in, even."
"Okay." I shrugged as if that were the end of it.
"So that's it?" Ryan looked at me incredulously. "You two had this intimate night all alone together and everything goes right back to normal?"
"Sure."
"Nuh-uh." He shook his head. "I'm not buying it."
I sighed. "Ryan, I'm not trying to hide anything from you."
"Aren't you?"
"Why would I?"
"I don't know! But I know that all of a sudden you're giving me one word answers and looking very defensive."
"Am not!" I protested and then immediately turned away, realizing just how defensive I WAS looking. I sighed and then finally admitted, "Okay fine. He wanted to get back together."
"And?"
"And what? I'm with you!"
"And I want to know: How did he take it? How did he take you telling him that you were staying with me?"
I exhaled slowly and stared off into the distance. How did he take it? He hadn't taken it at all. Because... "I haven't told him yet," I muttered.
"What?" Ryan leaned forward. I'd muttered so quietly he couldn't quite hear me.
Sighing, I sat up a little straighter and stared at the front door. "I haven't told him yet," I said a little louder.
"What? Why not?"
"I haven't figured out how, just yet."
"WHAT?" Ryan was suddenly behind me, still sitting on the couch. I could feel his presence right behind my back while I was still turned away from him. "What do you mean, you haven't figured out how? He says he wants to get back together. And you tell him 'NO'! It's not that complicated!"
"It IS, Ryan."
"FUCK!" He threw his hands up and stood up from the couch. Pacing away, he turned and glared at me. "I knew this had gone too smoothly. You asked if I could believe it, that we were finally together. The answer is 'NO', I don't believe it."
"Ryan..." I pleaded. "I chose you."
"No you haven't. Not yet. Not until you've told Ben that you're through." He marched over to the table by the door and snatched up my cell phone. Marching right back, he thrust it at me and barked, "Here. Call him. Tell him."
"Ryan, it's complicated."
"No, it's not. Either you're my girlfriend or not, Dawn. Call him."
"I CAN'T yet!"
"Why the fuck NOT?" Ryan thundered.
Staring at him with wide eyes, I just shook my head. I didn't know why not. I really didn't know. But at the very least, Ben deserved for me to talk to him in person. Not on the phone. I couldn't do to him what I'd done last time, which was more or less give him the bad news by voicemail. This was all so much déjà vu. Two years ago, Ryan had been this very same kind of demanding, holding my cell phone out to me and ordering me to tell Ben I wasn't getting back together with him.
Then, feeling the pressure, I'd caved and made the call. Ben didn't pick up. I'd left the voicemail. And everything unraveled after that. Ben got back together with Adrienne. And I nearly lost him at camp.
I couldn't do it again.
I couldn't make the call.
In impotent rage, Ryan shook the phone in front of my face again, finally scowling and turning away when he realized I wouldn't take it from him. He stomped away and turned his face up to the ceiling. "FUCK!" he spat. "This didn't solve anything!"
"What?" I croaked.
"THIS! Last night. Setting you two up and letting him fuck my girlfriend! Didn't change a fucking thing!"
"Of course it did. You know now, Ryan," I pleaded with him. "You wanted to know if you'd lose me to Ben if we slept together. Well you didn't. I'm right here."
"NO!" Ryan turned on me. "I wanted to know if you'd finally clear Ben out of your system and truly be with me! But nothing's changed! You're 'with' me, but a part of you still belongs to him!"
"But I'm WITH you. I'm moving with you to Fremont. I'm telling my parents tomorrow. And I swear I'm going to tell Ben once and for all. I just have to do it my way. Ryan. I'm choosing you!"
"Then CHOOSE me." He stomped up to within a few feet of me, towering over me while I instinctively cowered in my seat. And with cold eyes and a hard mouth, he growled, "I don't want you to hang out with him anymore."
My eyes popped wide open. "What?"
"You heard me. Choose ME. I don't want you hanging around each other."
"Ryan! Ben's my best friend!"
"No more," he bit out. "It's either him or me. What's it gonna be?"
In horror, I shook my head slowly. "Ryan ... don't do this. Don't do this." My jaw quivered and I was in absolute shock at how things had turned. "You give me ultimatums and I'll always resent you for it. You pull shit like this and you WILL lose me."
"I don't LIKE him around you, Dawn."
"That's impossible to change. We both got into the Undergraduate Business Program. We're going to have almost ALL of our classes together for the next two years. And our families are closer than anything! I can't just cut him out of my life!"
"But do you have to spend ALL your time together?"
"We're friends!"
"Well I don't like you as friends!"
"Ryan, please. Isn't it enough that when Ben told me he wanted to get back together, that I chose you? I'm here, right now, with you. After the night I spent with him, I took you right into our bed, made a wonderful meal, and spent all the time I could with you. Please understand," I whimpered.
Ryan growled and turned around, walking away from me. I held my breath, wondering how he would react. Would he understand how committed I was to him?
With his back still turned, he exhaled and said, "I'm José, aren't I?"
"Huh?" I stared at him in bewilderment.
He turned around and said, "You're Holly. I'm José."
It took me a few moments to realize he was referring to Breakfast at Tiffany's. "What?"
"I'm not a rich Brazilian businessman, but I'm what you're telling yourself you want. I'm José. But in the end, you'll go with Paul Varjak, won't you?"
"Ryan," I sighed. "Holly only left José because HE broke it off with her, remember?"
"Oh, so I AM José," he pouted.
"Ryan."
He just shook his head and walked away again. I could read the tension throughout his body as he fought to keep his cool. And after another minute, he came to some decision and then stomped right back over to me. "Fine. Show me you're committed to me."
"How?"
"Throw away the bracelet."
"What?"
"Don't be coy with me. You know what I'm talking about. Second drawer on the left. Silver bracelet. 'Ben Forever' stenciled into the band. Throw it out."
I felt my heart harden. "I won't do that, Ryan."
I watched my boyfriend's jaw clench and jut forward. I watched his eyes drop to mere slits, barely able to contain the rage boiling up inside him. He was pissed off, and it was my fault. Was he really asking so much of me? It was just a cheap piece of metal I'd picked up at a mall kiosk in high school. It was a dedication to an old friend who I'd already declared I wasn't in love with anymore. It was a memento to an ex-boyfriend, something my current boyfriend was asking me to get rid of. Surely I could toss it aside without a second thought.
I can't.
I just can't.
Ryan's nostrils flared with fury. He shook his head in disgust and disbelief. Like it or not, by my actions I was choosing Ben, and I knew it.
"If you love me, Dawn," he pleaded, still glaring at me with righteous anger, despite the tears rolling down his cheeks. Ryan was NOT a crier. "If you love me..." he repeated.
"I can't," I croaked and hung my head. I didn't want to lose Ryan, but I just couldn't throw away that bracelet. It meant too much to me.
Ryan gave me one last chance. He took a deep breath and then bent over my phone, quickly tapping out something. A few seconds later, he turned the phone around, showing me the message he'd written:
We are not getting back together. I'm in love with Ryan.
"Hit 'send', Dawn. Tell him now. Tell him for me. Just hit 'send' and I'll know you really mean it."
I whimpered and looked at the phone.
"Just a single button, babe, and I'll believe you've really chosen me. C'mon. This isn't anything you haven't already told me you believe. You love me. You're not getting back together with him. Just press the button."
It really wasn't much he was asking of me. I HAD told Ryan this. All he wanted was the confirmation. So I blinked and nodded to him. He stooped lower and put the phone closer within my reach.
I was nearly hyperventilating as a shaky hand reached up to the phone, index finger outstretched. And just out of reach of the keypad, I took a deep breath and made my decision.
Please forgive me.
BEN
We are not getting back together. I'm in love with Ryan.
The words were seared into my brain. In my mind's eye, I could still see the glow of black characters on a white background, even though I wasn't looking at my phone anymore.
Warm hands stroked my shoulder muscles, soothing and pleasant. Firm thumbs pressed into the base of my neck, rubbing away the tension that had collected there.
I didn't know where I was or how I'd gotten here. I didn't know how much time had passed.
I didn't really care.
I felt the tube pressed to my lips. Out of the void, voices in the air whispered indistinct encouragement. But when I looked down and saw the Pyrex contraption being fed to me, old instincts ingrained in me by my parents woke up just enough for me to push the pipe away and shake my head. "Don't need it," I mumbled.
"You'll feel better," a sweet voice said beside me, just before licking my ear.
The slippery appendage slithering up my outer lobe triggered something deep inside me. Like an incredible, fantastic Great Machine powering up, I felt a hum of energy building from my core, racing along my arteries out to each of my four limbs. Blood roared in my ears. My nerves felt like they were on fire. And dormant muscles inside me awoke, every cell thrumming with intent and purpose.
I knew what I had to do. After all, beside me was a beautiful woman.
And I am a sexual creature.
"Ohhh, baby..." a sweet voice groaned in front of me.
My eyes fluttered open, and after a second I was able to sharply focus on Jillian's surgically-enhanced face. It was moving up and down in my field of vision, rhythmically rising and falling, and my idle mind started spinning as I tried to determine the reason why.
A moment later I realized that the pillow behind her head was also moving up and down, in perfect sequence with her face. Logic then informed me that the girl wasn't moving up and down, I was moving. And then the pleasure from my loins finally made it up into my brain, informing me that my dick was currently sawing in and out of a warm, wet pussy.
"Unghhh..." I groaned and hung my head.
I blinked and realized that I was now focused on two unnaturally perfect spheres of titflesh. The melons were big, and capped by erect, dusky red nipples that were positioned just a little wider than ideal. Amazingly buoyant, they didn't sag at all and in fact, bounced pleasantly up and down in rhythm with my back and forth motions as I jarred Jillian's body on every powerful thrust.
A hand gently stroked down my spine, rubbing me in a circular motion that descended lower and lower along my back. A second later I realized the hand did not belong to the girl beneath me. In fact, both of Jillian's arms were thrown back behind her head, limply sprawled across the bed as she simply absorbed me power-fucking her while whimpering constantly and moaning in heat.
The hand eventually slid down to my ass, cupping my left buttock and pushing forward with my thrusts, adding a little extra force to each lunge. And after a few more pumps, a finger even dipped through my cleft and buzzed over my anus, spurring me extra-hard into Jillian's clasping tunnel. But while the touch was electrifying, my animal mind also found it a bit annoying, and I turned toward the source of the hand and quite literally growled. "Grr... "
A semi-familiar brunette was beside me, her green eyes popping open wide at the expression on my face. My arms moved of their own accord, vaulting me up from my position of hunching over Jillian. And before she realized it, the brunette found her arms locked by my grip as I abruptly tackled her onto her back.
"AAAAHHH!" the brunette shrieked in surprise.
"AAAAHHH!" she screamed again as my cock battered apart her pussy lips on its way into her body.
"OHHHHH!" she started moaning as my hips started pumping again, my hands moving instinctively over her naked body to find pressure points, erogenous zones, and sexual triggers.
I am a sexual creature.
My pelvis was starting to hurt a bit. Whatever cosmetic surgery she'd had, Jillian's ass was all hers. But she was a skinny bitch, living on cigarettes and crystal meth, and her butt didn't have much padding to it. So every time I rammed my cock almost eight inches up her asshole in this doggy-style position, my pelvis slammed into her bony butt hard enough to cause me some pain.
No matter. I was almost done.
The young brunette was already passed out, flat on her back nearby. Unlike Jillian, her body seemed to be all-natural, with her C-cup tits sagging a bit to the sides. Her legs were also spread to the sides, putting her neatly-trimmed pussy on full display, my most recent load of cum still trickling out between her used and abused labia.
I felt the tell-tale pressure telling me my rocks were about to go off. Wanting to finish things now, I trailed the fingers of my left hand up Jillian's arched spine before reaching forward and wrapping my fingers around her neck. I didn't choke her — not exactly — I merely applied a little pressure to her throat, causing her to tense up and start hyperventilating. My right hand left her hip and dipped below, plunging the middle fingers into her sopping wet cunt and digging the heel of my hand against her clit. And with a jerk against her neck and a quick circular rub against her trigger button, the beautiful platinum-blonde bombshell quivered and came. "Oh, Fuuuuuuu-HRK!"
Jillian's voice was cut off when I abruptly raised my hand over her mouth, muffling her scream. I jerked her head back, pulling her upright on her knees until her head was right next to mine. My right fingers stabbed deeply into her pussy right as I rammed my cock up her ass at the same time. The heel of my right hand went nuts against her clit. And in the span of three seconds, her eyes rolled up into her head and she started cumming so hard she looked like she was having a seizure.
I finally relaxed my inner muscles and let the last load flow out of my balls with the same kind of relief as taking a piss after holding it in for way too long. I actually felt the jets hurtling up my shaft to explode inside Jillian's bowels, coating her insides with my cream.
She was already unconscious before I finished sperming her asshole. Done with my sex toy, I shifted my hands around to those spherical tits, using them as handholds to lower her face-down onto the bed. Her ass was still held up in the air, suspended on my deflating cock. But I then took her hips and gently pushed her away from me, extracting myself and finally letting the girl collapse face-down in front of me.
Heaving for breath, I simply sat back on my heels before turning to look at the big mirror to my right. I wasn't sure how I got here, but I recognized the room. And I knew with absolute certainty that Carter had been watching me the whole time.
Sure enough, my host walked through the door a couple of minutes later with Cameron on his arm, and then Elyse close behind them. With a big shit-eating grin, Carter walked right up to the bed and clapped my shoulder. "Fuckin' A man! You said you could do it, and you did!"
I just shrugged, still trying to get my bearings. Glancing around, I noticed that Elyse had a bead of cum still on her chin and catching her eye, I tapped my own chin as an indicator. The raven-haired beauty blushed and then scraped the creamy glob off her chin before looking down in shame.
Carter was talking again. "You've got a gift, pal. I knew Jillian was a freak, but I'd never seen Rebecca blow her top like that before. I could never figure out how to push her buttons; probably why I gave up on her." He was waving at the brunette, still asleep on her back.
I furrowed my eyebrows, still trying to keep up. "Rebecca: Is that her name?"
"Rebecca? Yeah. Don't you remember her? She was my nurse at that first Halloween party." Carter grinned. "I told you back then that if you ever wanted to fuck her, I'd set you up. If you haven't figured it out yet, I get off on watching this shit."
I nodded, thinking about the voyeur room. My head felt thick, and I reached up to hold it gingerly.
"Anyways, thanks for coming." Carter clapped my back again. "You can come party with me anytime."
I sensed the dismissal in Carter's voice at that, so I climbed off the bed and went around retrieving my clothes. A part of me thought I should do something about Rebecca's and Jillian's unconscious naked bodies — at least to cover them up or something — but Carter was already talking again.
"Show Ben where he can get cleaned up," he told Cameron.
Wordlessly, she tilted her head and moved to obey. But before Cameron left him, Carter pulled her close and gently rubbed his cheek against hers with a tenderness I wouldn't have expected. But then he let her go, wrapped his arm around Elyse with his palm on her ass, and then headed out the door.
I found myself wondering exactly what was Cameron's relationship to Carter. After a moment's thought, I realized I'd seen Rebecca upstairs at the party. But I'd never seen Cameron until she showed up in the voyeur room to finish off Carter during Elyse's gangbang. Was she hired help? A close confidant? Even family? Or was she just another in a line of tall, dark-haired, green-eyed babes that Carter seemed to be collecting around him? Elyse was 5'11" with green eyes and almost black hair. Rebecca looked at least 5'9" and had the dark hair and green eyes to match. And Carter had previously stated a preference for brunettes. Perhaps Cameron was just another one of them?
I had no answers and no time to really find them, either, as Cameron came up to me and said in a soft, but still smokily seductive voice, "This way."
Cameron had the kind of voice that would make men do anything, and I was already moving in the direction she was pointing down the hall. A few doors down, she opened up to a bedroom that had an attached bathroom. I saw the shower and when I turned around, she was pulling a fresh towel out of a closet and handing it off to me.
Then backing up and casually gesturing with her left hand, she said, "If you turn right at the hallway, you'll find the stairs back up. Your friend is currently engaged, but he shouldn't be much longer." And then without another word, she sketched a short bow and left the room, closing the door behind her.
Feeling exhausted, sexually drained, and yet not satisfied, I took my clothes back off and went to take a shower.
As I felt the hot spray beating down on the back of my neck, I braced myself against the far wall and closed my eyes, wondering where my life had gone.
I'd done it again. Faced with some sort of emotional anguish, I'd latched onto the nearest female body and tried to drown myself in physical pleasure. My active mind had turned off, and even now I found that I had gaps in my memory where I must have simply reacted without conscious thought. I didn't know what had happened to me between reading Dawn's text and finding myself about to start fucking Jillian. I didn't even remember all of the threesome with the two girls. Rather than stop to analyze how I felt at that moment of emotional pain, I'd shut that part away from me and buried my head in the sand, trying to pretend it didn't exist.
You'd think I'd have figured out by now: It didn't work.
Right now, thinking about Dawn, I wanted to sink to my knees in this shower stall and start sobbing in anguish. The sex had exhausted me physically. But it had done absolutely nothing to cure the ache in my soul.
Who were Rebecca and Jillian? Did they mean anything to me? I used to feel attachments to the girls I'd been intimate with. Even the purely casual ones like Stacey Whitehouse and Helene McGregory in high school, or the Tri-Delts like Lakhi, Jocelyn, and Bridget, had all meant something more to me after we'd slept together. We may not have been close friends or even "regular" friends in the general sense of the word. But I would always remember them and whenever we saw each other, there would be a little look between us of fond memories.
But these girls? They were nothing more than fucks, pure and simple. I didn't even know their last names. If I never saw Jillian again, I wouldn't care. Hell, I didn't even know Rebecca's first name until after I was done using her.
This wasn't playing cat and mouse with the Tri-Delts, both sides getting thrills from the chase. This wasn't even Dayna's blindfold party, anonymous sex with a bunch of casual friends just looking for a good time. If I'd thought that sex was a bit "soulless", then what I'd just done was ... something even less meaningful.
They say that meaningless sex is just a complex form of masturbation. I used to think that was fine. Masturbation feels good. Nobody gets hurt. Why the hell not?
But I'd never before felt ... dirty ... about my form of masturbation. Sure, both Jillian and Rebecca were high on crystal meth, hornier than billy goats, and wanted to fuck me just as much as I wanted to fuck them. Everybody got some good orgasms and nobody got hurt.
But it still felt WRONG.
It was all meaningless. It was all so meaningless. And I found that I couldn't even be happy about what pleasure I'd felt.
What was different this time? The girls? Maybe.
But more importantly, my heart just wasn't in it. My heart was somewhere else.
My heart was with HER.
Somehow, my cell phone had made its way to the nightstand of this bedroom. I certainly hadn't brought it with me; someone must have put it there. Picking it up, I realized that someone had turned it off. So pausing to turn the device back on, I waited for it to boot up. And then the first thing I did was go to my most recent message, and the text appeared on the screen:
We are not getting back together. I'm in love with Ryan.
I had to get Dawn back.
DAWN
Please forgive me.
Slowly, I pulled my finger back away from the phone. I couldn't do it. I couldn't send the text. Not to Ben. Not like this. So hanging my head, I breathed out slowly. And without looking up at Ryan, I said softly, "I'm sorry."
He stood over me for a second. I didn't look up, but I could feel his presence looming. And for the briefest of moments, I felt real fear. I believed that Ryan could never, ever hurt me. But every man has his breaking point and I wondered if I'd finally triggered his. Ryan was 6'2", more powerful than anyone I'd ever known, and he could kill me with his bare hands if he really wanted to. He was snorting like a Spanish bull and out of the corners of my eyes, I could see his whole body shaking. And I closed my eyes and cowered down, waiting to see if he just might lose it.
In the end, Ryan just growled, "Fine."
I looked up to see his face looking meaner and more enraged than ever before. With a sneer he reached out and hit the 'send' button himself, a self-satisfied smirk spreading across his face. And then in a sudden motion that took me completely by surprise, he whirled and threw the phone so hard that it actually tore a hole through the wall of the living room, shattering the phone into little bits of plastic and metal on the floor.
But that was it. There were no more outbursts of rage and the singular violent act seemed to have released the bulk of his tension. But there was still a look of utter disappointment on Ryan's face as he looked at me. And then without another word, he turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
And I was alone.
I didn't move for a long time. Numb, I didn't know what to feel.
I was sad, obviously. I had more or less thrown my relationship with Ryan in the crapper. Did he really ask me for so much? After all, I SAID I was committing to him. How hard could it really have been to just TELL Ben that? How hard could it have been to just throw the cheap bracelet away?
I loved Ryan. I truly did. I hadn't been lying to myself on that point. He made me feel good, feel happy when I was around him. He was my boyfriend and I'd cherished his presence. But I knew without a doubt that our relationship was over. We hadn't said so in words, but I felt it nonetheless. He'd asked me, once and for all, to choose him over Ben. And when pushed to the wall, I'd chosen Ben. There was just no way Ryan and I would ever recover from that.
But that didn't mean that Ben and I would recover, either. We'd spent the better part of three years apart already. Yeah, we'd become close friends again, but I'd been another man's girlfriend for all that time. When he'd broken up with Adrienne, I'd chosen Ryan because I believed Ben wasn't ready. Even when Ben WAS over Adrienne, I hadn't broken up with Ryan to return to him the way I'd promised long ago. And when Ben had spent a wonderful night with me last night and then told me he loved me and wanted to get back together, I hadn't chosen him.
I'd specifically welcomed Ryan back and told HIM I'd chosen him. I couldn't hide that fact from Ben. And knowing that, what would Ben think of me?
Maybe Ben and I shouldn't get back together. At the very least, I was pretty sure we shouldn't get back together right now. As I contemplated this pending future without Ryan, a part of me wanted to run crying into Ben's arms and let his always reassuring presence tell me that he'd protect me and love me forever and ever. But I knew I'd be rebounding just as much as he had with DJ. This time, I was the one who wouldn't be ready to get back together with him. I had to sort myself out first.
And so I would be alone for a little while. No Ryan. No Ben. Just me. The thought filled me with despair.
But then I realized that I would never be truly alone. Even without Ryan, I had people around who cared about me. I had faith that Gwen and Robin would always be my friends, no matter who I was dating. And of course, I had "The Family" at the house just a couple of blocks away. My own big sister Dayna would always be there for me. Well, maybe she would be with Kevin, but she'd be there when I needed her. Brandi would likely be around. And Adrienne, no longer a rival, seemed to have my best interests in her heart as well.
And of course, in my old bedroom, there was Ben.
How would he react? Would he hate me for not immediately dumping Ryan and promising him we would be together again? I wanted to believe that Ben's love for me ran deeper than that, and that we could survive anything. But I just didn't know.
At least I hadn't totally betrayed Ben. I had made some decisions that led me down this path away from him long ago. Faced with multiple chances to turn back to him, or fall deeper into my relationship with Ryan, I'd repeatedly chosen Ryan. But when pushed, I staunchly (or stubbornly) stuck to my heart. Ryan had asked me to stop being friends with Ben, but that just wasn't possible. He'd asked me to throw away the 'Ben Forever' bracelet, but I hadn't gotten rid of that cherished memento. And when told to send Ben the "we're not getting back together" message by text, I hadn't done it. I'd hurt Ben terribly once with a callow voicemail. I couldn't do it to him with something so base as a text message.
AH, SHIT! The text message! Ryan had still sent it! Whether out of spite or anger or whatever, Ryan had still sent it. I HAD to call Ben and tell him it was a mistake. But in horror, my gaze swept to the wall, to the dent in the plaster, and down to the floor at the shattered pieces of what used to be a cell phone.
SHIT!
I was on my feet in an instant, snatching up my purse instinctively as I flew out the door. I nearly fell going down the stairs, only barely managing to grab onto the railing and arrest my descent. A little more carefully, I navigated the remaining steps. But once my feet hit the pavement I was at a dead sprint.
I ran all the way to Ben's house.
This late on a Saturday night, the front door was already locked. Not having a phone to call anyone with, I pounded on the door before it occurred to me to use the doorbell. I didn't care if I woke anybody up. I HAD to find Ben.
Where would I go if I were him? What would I do?
If it were me, and I'd put all my hopes and dreams into getting back together with him, only to find out that after spending a wonderful night with him, he was choosing to go back to his girlfriend, I might very well kill myself. Ben could be pretty melodramatic, and if he were feeling like that, he might even hang himself in his bedroom just to make me walk in and find him like that.
With that morbid thought in my mind, I almost hoped he would do what he always did when faced with this kind of crushing emotional turmoil. That is, I half- expected him to grab Gwen or some other hot babe, drag her into his room, and fuck her brains out until he'd physically exhausted himself. I actually wouldn't give a shit about him fucking someone. That's just what Ben did. I just hoped that was as bad as he got, and I would find him sitting on the edge of his mattress with his heels perched on the bedframe, head in his hands wondering where the hell his life went wrong.
Frantic use of the doorbell finally earned me some attention. The foyer light went on, and then the illumination over the peephole was briefly obscured before I heard the locks opening and the door swinging inward. For a brief second, my heart leaped as I imagined Ben jumping out and grabbing me up in his arms.
"Oh ... Paige," I practically grunted.
The petite redhead was wearing pajamas and rubbing her eyes sleepily, one hand protectively over her belly. "Dawn?" she asked in confusion. "What's wrong?"
"Where's Ben?" I asked hurriedly.
"He's uh, out," Paige waved in the vague direction of the outside world. "Went to a party with Bert."
My heart sank, followed momentarily by the hope that he'd be distracted and wouldn't notice the text message. Maybe if I called him fast enough, I could get in touch with him before he read it and did something stupid. Stepping into the house, I immediately headed in and asked, "Is Adrienne around?"
Now behind me, Paige replied, "No. Went into San Francisco for another party."
"Dayna?"
"Nope."
"Brandi?"
"Just me."
Sighing, I winced and did a slow turn. Of all the people I might have to depend on ... I took a deep breath and looked at Paige with a plea on my face. "Can I borrow your phone?"
"What happened to yours?" she asked suspiciously.
"Broke it. Into a million pieces. Long story. But seriously, I HAVE to talk to Ben."
Paige actually smiled as she looked at me, and then with a slow nod, she led me into Adrienne's bedroom. The day bed had become her regular bed over the past month, and even though she wasn't actually paying rent, the housemates all said she more than made up for it by cooking and cleaning for them. She headed for her purse and pulled out a pink clamshell phone, handing it over.
I quickly snatched it up, and without bothering to try and look up her stored contact for Ben, I started dialing the number from memory. And putting the phone to my ear, I listened anxiously for the rings to tell me the call was going through.
At the same time, I realized that Paige was just standing there, looking at me. I shot her a look, and she rolled her eyes before I realized that I was technically in HER room, late at night when the poor girl had probably been sleeping. Waving her off, I walked out the door and into the living room. And the phone started ringing along the way.
Unfortunately, it went to Ben's voicemail. I quickly hung up and then tried again, getting the same result. A third time confirmed my suspicions. Ben's phone was off. SHIT!
In a mild panic, I left Ben an urgent message to dismiss any text messages he may have gotten from me and to call me as soon as he could. I hung up before realizing I didn't have a phone for him to call me back on, and grimacing I called his voicemail again, this time to tell him to call Paige's cell phone.
And then I raced back into the bedroom to find Paige sitting in bed, waiting for me patiently. "You get a hold of him?"
"No," I said weakly, hearing my own voice cracking. Starting to hyperventilate again, I whimpered. "Do you know where he went?"
Frowning, Paige shook her head. "I'm sorry, but no. They never said where the party was."
I felt ready to cry, but Paige perked up and asked, "Did you try calling Bert?"
My eyebrows shot up and I immediately flipped the phone open again. This time I had to scroll through the address book, this time taking an extra few seconds to figure out how the operating system worked. But eventually I found an entry for "Bert Kim" and dialed it, anxiously awaiting the ringer again.
After four rings, the phone picked up. "Bert! It's Dawn! Where are you guys? I need to talk to Ben!"
All I heard were muffled feminine giggles, along with a distinctly male groan. Then some girl said, "Turn it off, sugar" right before another girl said in an Eastern European accent, "We're not done with you yet!" The phone was quickly silenced, and I was left staring at the screen with a dumbfounded expression on my face. Ben was rubbing off on Bert.
In agony, I sank down to sit at the foot of Paige's bed. She sat up again, and to my surprise, leaned forward and rubbed my shoulder. "It'll be okay, Dawn."
Despondent, I started shuddering in a precursor to crying as I hung my head and whimpered, "No, it won't."
Even more unexpectedly, she leaned forward and wrapped me up in a warm hug. And in a calm, mature voice, she said, "Yes, it will. Ben loves you more than anyone in the universe. It'll all be okay."
Still shuddering, I turned to look at the wide-eyed redhead. We hadn't always gotten along. We were casual friends, but I never really thought much of her relationship with Ben, believing it to be one-sided. I was sure that opinion had colored all of my interactions with her, and out of everyone in the so-called "crew", Paige and I had been the least close to each other. I'd done my best to be supportive of her situation lately. She always seemed like such a young, frightened child, even though I knew she was technically a few months older than me. And she was the last person in the world I ever expected to be comforting me.
Taking a deep breath, I exhaled and turned to Paige. "Do you know about me and Ben last night?"
She took a slow breath and then canted her head to the side. "Not exactly. I mean, I know Ben spent the night with you. But I don't know what circumstances led to it or what went on between you two. Ben was very close-mouthed about it when he got back. All he would say was that the two of you weren't back together. From the tone in his voice, he was hopeful that you would soon, but at the same time he seemed resigned that you wouldn't. He left almost immediately; don't know where he went. But when he came back, he had a party invitation, talked Bert into going with him, and then left right after dinner."
I sighed and nodded. "He did ask me to get back together with him," I said carefully, measuring Paige's reaction. I knew she was still in love with him, and I didn't know how she'd react to that kind of information.
To my surprise, she just nodded. "I figured. He's really in love with you. He's been beating himself up left and right for a while now, thinking he blew his greatest chance to be truly happy."
I arched an eyebrow. "That doesn't bother you?" I asked curiously.
Paige sighed and looked at me with a strange look. She didn't answer for a few seconds, but eventually took a deep breath and replied, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish he'd fall in love with me. I do. But I'm not so naïve as to think I can compete with what he feels for you. I want him to be truly happy, and for that, I think he needs to be with you, one way or another."
I smiled and looked down. "Thank you for that. But I'm not sure things will work out that way."
Paige smiled enigmatically. "Oh, they will eventually."
I frowned. "What makes you say that?"
She smiled again. "You're here, aren't you? Frantically trying to find Ben? You really love him. And he loves you. It's just a matter of time."
I sighed. "I'd like to believe that."
Paige stroked my arm again and gave me a warm smile. "You look like someone who needs to talk. Why don't you tell me what's happened. And we'll see if we can't figure out how you can get Ben back."
BEN
Anxious to get a hold of Dawn, I'd called her three times before realizing that her phone must be off, since everything went straight to her voicemail. I left an urgent message for her to call me back. She'd said she was in love with Ryan, fine. She'd said she wasn't getting back together with me, fine.
I'd change her mind.
She was MY Dawn, and would be until the end of time. I knew if I just had another chance to get in front of her, I could convince her of that.
If only I could get in touch with her.
Bert eventually emerged from some back bedroom, grinning from ear-to-ear and none-too-steady on his feet. He said goodbye to Nikki and Tasha, exchanging tongue-filled kisses with both of them before letting me help him out to his car. I dropped him into the passenger seat and hopped in the driver's side myself.
My phone bleeped abruptly not too far from the house, but since I was doing the driving, I ignored it until I was safely parallel parked on the sidewalk. Then I circled around and helped to get Bert out of the car. I figured I'd dump him on the couch and let him sleep it off to head home in the morning.
Halfway up the front walk, Bert jerked up straight and mumbled that he could make it on his own. I let him stagger up to the front door, and anxious to see what my phone had picked up, I fished it out and saw that I had two voicemails.
Stupid cell phone companies. Why does it take a half-hour for their systems to realize there's a waiting voicemail? So right there, outside of the house, I held down the 1-button and quickly got into my messages. I listened to Dawn's frantic voice, telling me to call her back. And then a few seconds later I got her second message telling me to call Paige, of all people.
FUCK! I quickly thumbed down to my phonebook entry for Paige and started the phone dialing. And with a renewed sense of urgency, I vaulted up onto the front porch and headed into the house, my phone pressed to my ear.
Dawn and Paige were already in the foyer to meet me. Apparently Bert's arrival had alerted them to our presence. And a second later, I found myself wrapped in an unbelievably tight bear hug from the most beautiful woman in the world.
The cell phone clattered to the floor.
My Dawn was back.
[sniff, sniff]
Frowning, Dawn picked her head off of my shoulder and looked at me curiously. And with an arched eyebrow, she asked, "Why do you smell like pot?"
I sighed. This was going to be a LONG talk.
I'd already showered at Carter's, so all I really needed was a change of clothes to get rid of the marijuana smell. I suppose it was just as well that I didn't smell like sex. Although I knew that if I wanted any chance of getting back together with Dawn, I'd have to be completely honest and upfront with her. She just knew me too well and would instinctively know if I was hiding something, and for a conversation as important as this, I wasn't going to take any risks.
Dawn quietly followed me into my bedroom, then both closed and locked the door behind her. I promised to explain the smell while disrobing, unselfconsciously stripping myself completely naked and tossing my clothes into my hamper, and then fishing out a comfortable pair of boxers, pajama pants, and a T-shirt. She simply watched me without arousal or consternation, biting her lip nervously as she processed her own thoughts.
I wanted to know what had led to her sending me that painfully gut-wrenching text message, and to know why she was here with me instead of with Ryan. But I wanted to tell her how I truly felt first. And after sitting on my bed and scooting back to the pillows and headboard, I started my tale.
I hadn't rehearsed what I was going to say or anything, so I was a little disjointed. I started by explaining the smell, how there'd been pot-filled hookahs at the party Bert and I had gone to. The party was hosted by Carter, a guy I'd first met at the Halloween thing our freshman year and run into again this morning. I'd explained to Dawn how I'd gone into a sort of limbo after her pronouncement that she needed time to come to a decision, and that I'd tried to occupy myself by walking around town and then by the party atmosphere.
"I've been trying to keep myself occupied for weeks now, ever since you told me you were moving away from Berkeley with Ryan. I tried to be happy for you. I wanted to put your happiness ahead of my own. But the simple fact is, I'm miserable at the thought of losing you and I'm not going to just stand back anymore," I stated emphatically. "I love you. I want to be with you. And if I have to, I'll fight Ryan to win you back."
Actually saying that out loud got me a little energized, and I was ready to bull ahead with more proclamations of my undying love for her. But Dawn held up her hand to stop me, taking a deep breath before she said, "You won't have to."
I blinked. "What?"
She took another deep breath and said, "Ryan and I aren't going to work out."
I blinked twice. Not believing my ears, I repeated, "What?"
She sighed sadly, closing her eyes which blinked a big tear out to roll down her cheek. And then she repeated, "Ryan and I aren't going to work out."
I was still in shock. "But ... but ... the text message said..."
"Oh, Ben!" Dawn sighed. "When are you going to realize that ANYONE can send a text message? When have I even been big on text messages? They cost extra and we've got plenty of cell minutes. Seriously! I didn't tell you to come over last night and I DIDN'T send you that text message tonight!"
I was blinking rapidly again. "You ... you didn't?"
"No!" Dawn exhaled slowly, tilting her head back and crying to the ceiling.
Ohmigod ... ohmigod ... That means ... That means Dawn DIDN'T choose Ryan. She chose me! She doesn't love him! Ohmyfreakinggawd! The elation spread onto my face and I started grinning widely. Eagerly, I opened my arms and started moving forward to embrace Dawn, MY Dawn.
But just as I started, she held a hand up to stop me. "It's not that simple, Ben. I have a confession of my own." And then she told me what she'd been doing all day.
My heart sank instantly when she confessed she'd gone back to Ryan. It dropped into my stomach when she told me they'd gone to bed together almost right away. And my heart dropped all the way into the shitty areas of my bowels when she told me she had every intention of committing to Ryan and moving away.
But then she told me about Breakfast at Tiffany's and Ryan's somewhat gruff inquiries as to how I'd taken the news. She confessed that she hadn't told me, had merely put me on hold so she could figure out HOW to tell me. And I think I started to see the exact same thing that Ryan had seen in Dawn:
She wasn't really committing.
Dawn had been going through the motions, doing everything she thought she was supposed to be doing. But her heart wasn't really in on it, just her head. After our night together, she hadn't come out and told me she was staying with Ryan because deep down, she didn't really want to.
Dawn had changed a lot in the years we'd been apart. Her relationships with me and with Ryan had evolved and adapted to our situations. But one thing had never truly changed for either of us: We always belonged to each other.
You could say it was wishful thinking on my part, that I read this into the way Dawn was explaining things. You could argue that she never actually SAID she still belonged to me. But I knew it. I saw it in her heart. I felt it through that mystical connection that had bonded us since we were born.
Dawn truly loved me. And I loved her. She was my soulmate.
Ryan really was José, the guy Holly told herself she wanted. But I was her Paul, the guy she really belonged with, warts and all. Ryan provided for her. But I really understood her. And when faced with the decision to choose between me and Ryan, faced with throwing away her "Ben Forever" bracelet, the symbol of who we used to be together, she couldn't. Faced with sending me a text message breakup, she couldn't press the button.
"I'm sorry, Ben!" Dawn was crying by now, as she finished her story. "I don't deserve to be with you. I chose him! I chose him!"
"Shh..." I soothed, reaching out to her, wrapping her up in my arms and pulling her close against my chest. "No you didn't."
"I did! I did! I told him I was choosing him. I made love to him. I made us dinner. I cuddled with him on the couch. You and I had our wonderful night together, and I still went back to HIM!" she wailed despondently.
"No you didn't, don't you see?" I urged, rubbing her back firmly. "Your head told you to go with him, but your heart always stayed with me. Okay, you slept with the guy. Fine. He was your boyfriend. It wasn't like you hadn't done it before. Cooked him dinner and told him you wanted to be with him? Again, nothing new. But through it all, you always kept our bracelet. And when he finally made it an ultimatum to throw it away, him or me, you chose me. And that's all that matters."
And then not wanting to waste any more time, I turned her head and kissed her.
Daaaaaaayyummm I missed kissing her. I mean, yeah, I know I'd rather heavily made out with her just last night. But it still felt like I was melting into Dawn as our lips came together and we started hungrily devouring each other with a volcanic passion.
The rest just came naturally.
Dawn's back hit the blankets, her arms wrapped around the back of my head as our faces pressed tightly together, our tongues intertwining in each other's mouth. I felt the whisk of air on my back as she jerked off my shirt. And then our hands were scrabbling over each other's bodies as we divested ourselves of the rest of our clothing. Neither of us wanted a stitch of anything between us. Not anymore. And then her hands were right behind my ears, holding my head tightly to the crook of her neck as I centered my body over hers.
Her sigh was like a gentle breeze by my ear as my cockhead separated her moist labia. The sigh turned into a happy moan as my thick shaft burrowed ever deeper into the core of her body. As always, she was wonderfully tight, her vaginal walls hugging close to my penetrating rod, providing exquisite friction with every surrendered millimeter. And she did surrender them. Every part of her was welcoming and inviting, urging me deeper with her pants and breathy moans.
At full depth, our eyes locked together. And for the next several minutes, neither of us broke that bond. It was as if by keeping that visual focus, we could feel the bonds of love and affection and see them in each other's eyes. Strengthened by a lifetime of partnership, we let our friendship and trust grow until it filled every fiber of our beings, so that every twitch and caress was a physical manifestation of our re-emerging unity.
Dawn and I were truly making love. My thrusts were slow and full. Her hips rolled to meet me, but we never came together with heavy force nor meaty thumps. We simply stroked together. We didn't even kiss. We didn't need to. So much more was expressed in our eyes and in the way our noses rubbed together.
I'd lost track of the number of girls I'd given physical orgasms. I'd caressed their bodies and put pressure on their nerves while stroking G-spots and buzzing clits, sending them into paroxysms of indescribable pleasure.
But only one had ever shared with me a completely non-physical orgasm — an orgasm of love — and she was lying beneath me right now. It was an orgasm of feeling so intimately connected to your partner that your body literally has no choice but to explode in ecstasy, lest the overabundance of emotions simply overwhelm your senses.
I lost track of how many time Dawn writhed with one of those; but there was no mistaking when the vaginal orgasm came. It was preceded by shortened gasps for air, little squeaks accelerating in pace and in pitch. Her eyes tightened as the rush of feeling rolled down her spine and caused her to arch her chest against me. And as the pleasure swept through her insides, her mouth gaped open to scream.
But instead of crying out in sheer bliss, Dawn merely grasped my head and stared deep into my eyes. Sweat was dripping off her brow, her face a mask of pleasure and her irises alight with brilliant blue fire. And with her last burst of oxygen, she moaned, "I love you, Ben. I always loved you. And I will always love you."
The moment demanded more than just 'I love you, too'. Countless couples around the world replied using that phrase. Maybe half of them really meant it.
For Dawn, I had something more special.
"I surrender. Take all of me," I groaned, stroking harder and faster while somehow keeping my face steady in front of hers. "Because I'm your Ben. Forever."
Her head tilted back and her jaw dropped open in a breathy gasp as her orgasm ignited. I rode the wave with her, my whole body tightening as I surged into her loins one final time, releasing the torrent of liquid love.
We didn't kiss in passion. Our heads didn't even move any closer. But as her back arched up while my hips pressed down, our eyes stayed locked together, expressing the blissful experience we each felt so that the other could feel it too. I saw her pupils widen at the sensation of my cum splashing into her womb. I felt her happiness and sense of relief at having found me again. And my eyes were a mirror of her own.
Our problems didn't all go away with one magical fuck. Yeah, I'm sure there were a lot of things we still had to talk about. For one, I hadn't given her every detail of my night, fucking other girls. And I was sure she was going through a whole riot of thoughts and emotions. It's not every day you break up with your boyfriend of the past three years.
Right now I didn't care. We would talk. We would work things out. And for all I knew, we still wouldn't be "together" in the morning. We might need time to sort things out. Our relationship was always complicated like that.
But that was tomorrow morning. This was right NOW. And I knew that someday, somehow, we would be together again. I believed.
Dawn had said it back before we even came to Berkeley: Our hearts had found each other when we were little. And no matter where they went, they would find their way back together again.
每周推薦票狀態
-- 推薦票
榜單 
-- 推薦票