章節 91: Conflicts of Interest l
BEN
MARCH 29, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR
"Good morning, Ben."
"Dawn!" I exclaimed in surprise. My gorgeous best friend had clearly just woken up and just as clearly spent the night here. Her sunny blonde hair was clipped into a loose ponytail. The blouse she was wearing was the same as yesterday. And she seemed to be going without a bra, her nipples hardening beneath the sheer fabric. "Still here?"
She nodded with a smug grin. "Spent the night with Adrienne."
I arched an eyebrow and glanced appraisingly at the gorgeous blonde just a few feet behind Dawn. My mind immediately was filled with scandalously naughty thoughts of Dawn and Adrienne, getting naked and rolling around my old bed sucking on tits and munching pussies. My brain even filled in the boom-chicka- wow-wow music. "Wish I was there," I joked.
"Wish you were too," Dawn sighed, sounding serious.
My eyebrow arched again as I wondered whether to take her words at face value.
"Anyways," she began, before I could really decide. "I wanted to tell you something. Got kind of lost in the shuffle with everything that happened last night."
There was a quiet seriousness in Dawn's voice, so I nodded and put down my spoon. My cereal wasn't going anywhere. "Sure."
She took a deep breath. "Ben, we've been frien-"
"Hey, loverboy!" Paige cut her off as she twirled in from the kitchen. Before I realized it, my randy redheaded lover had vaulted into my lap, squirming her naked crotch against my shorts and doing her best to shove her tongue down my throat. I groaned into the kiss and happily pawed away at her nubile body. After our incredibly wonderful lovemaking last night, I could only start imagining even more.
But a second later, I realized that we'd interrupted Dawn, and I pried Paige off me. "Later, later, Red," I said soothingly. I looked over at Dawn, who was already walking past us and into the kitchen. "Hey, what was it?"
Dawn didn't look back as she tossed a hand over her shoulder. "Nothing important."
"No, seriously." I looked into the kitchen where Dawn was already greeting Brandi and hunting for a bowl.
"Ah, just a bit of news," Dawn said while glancing back through the doorway. "Did you hear Bert and Robin broke up?"
I blinked twice. "Really? I thought they were getting things worked out."
Dawn sighed and came back out of the kitchen, an empty bowl and a spoon in hand. She shook her head and looked away from me. "No. They went on a trip together down to San Luis Obispo and to tour Hearst Castle. Hoped to find the magic again. But when they got back, Robin told Gwen and Gwen told me that they were done."
"Ouch."
Dawn shrugged. "It was the Swingers Party that really killed them. They were in a rut and thought that sleeping with other people might put some spice back. But instead it just was the final nail in the coffin. Made them both want to experience new things and new people."
I winced. "Sex always changes people..."
Dawn nodded. "They both tried to be mature about the relationship and make things work; it's why they lasted this long. But Robin said she kept fantasizing about other guys while she was with Bert and apparently, Bert was doing the same thing."
I arched an eyebrow. "Bert fantasizing about you?"
Dawn shrugged and looked down. "Yeah. Sometimes. I don't mind. He's a good enough friend that we're not awkward about it. It's nothing serious. Not like he has a crush on me. I get the impression he's had a few fantasies ever since he MET me. So it's no big deal." And with that, Dawn bit her lip and went into the kitchen to retrieve the bowl of cereal.
Adrienne flashed me a strange look, and then headed in right after Dawn.
Paige pulled up next to me, sliding her hand on top of mine. "You never fucked my ass last night, Ben," she purred into my ear, licking the lobe immediately after. "You KNOW how much I love it there. Whaddaya say? You wanna play hooky today with me and go back to your bedroom?"
I grinned. Sounded like a good plan. But just as I started envisioning pretty Paige bent over on all fours, shoving her butt out at me and whispering blasphemies, my mind shifted back about ten seconds. Dawn had a weird look in her eyes as she turned back into the kitchen, and I couldn't help but wonder why.
Then Paige was sliding up against me, pushing my bowl away with one hand. "C'mon, Ben. My hormones have started going crazy as I get into the second trimester. And my nipples are REALLY sensitive. If we're staying home today, we can eat later."
There was a promise and a husky need in Paige's voice. And with a little smile, I let her pull me to my feet and back into my bedroom.
To my credit, I had tried to slow Paige down by telling her that we needed to talk about this before taking things any further. But stubborn girl that she was, she pointedly ignored any of my protests before jerking my shorts down and trying to suck my cock. I even tried to put my hands against her shoulders and head to keep her at bay, but she batted my hands aside and just kept coming. I didn't have the fortitude to use any more force against such a small girl, and a pregnant one at that. And once she got her lips wrapped around my shaft, I knew I was a goner.
There were no more protests by the time Paige moved up and sat on my prick, cooing as the shaft ascended upward into her vaginal canal. And for perhaps the first time, she looked like a young woman about my age instead of a little girl.
Paige's dark auburn hair was loose and flowing over her shoulders, framing a pretty face with elfin, but mature features. She looked like a professional seductress wearing my dress shirt, unbuttoned from throat to tails. And I was fascinated to see the curvature of her three-and-a-half month pregnant belly protruding out just above our joining.
But in a mild panic, I looked up at her and asked, "We're not ... hurting ... ah, the baby ... are we?"
Paige giggled and shook her head. "No silly. She's well insulated with lots of padding and shock absorption. The doctor said sex would be good for me. I just haven't been getting it lately."
I blinked a couple of times. "She?"
Paige nodded. "It's a girl. I just know it."
Biting my lip while she rode me slowly, I sighed, "I just can't help the thought that there's some little human being in there, with undeveloped eyes watching my dickhead zooming right up to its face and then backing away."
"You KNOW my cervix is closed, Ben." Paige rolled her eyes. Then she leaned over to my nightstand, pulled open the drawer, and pulled out a familiar tube of KY. "Besides, if it really bugs you, getting my pussy fucked wasn't exactly what I had in mind right now."
The pregnant little nympho smiled impishly and then proceeded to reach back and lube herself up while continuing to fuck me. Five minutes later, she was on all fours, grunting as my cock burrowed deeper and deeper into her extremely tight asshole.
"Fuck me, lover," Paige crooned. "Take my ass ... I'm your slutty, sinful bitch! Cornhole the hell out of me and then blast me full of scalding hot cum!"
"Oh, god," I couldn't help but groan as her words egged me on. I held onto her womanly hips, and then slammed the last two inches into her rectum in a single thrust, jerking her body forward.
"Unngh!" Paige grunted and then clenched down with her anal muscles, trapping me momentarily while she absorbed the sensations of my cock fully embedded inside her nether hole.
"Oh, Paige..." I whimpered.
"Fuck me..." she crooned. "Fuck me..."
"Oh, Paige..."
"Fuck me, Ben. I missed this so much ... I missed YOU so much. Fuck me, lover. Pound me. Sodomize me. Blast my nasty ass full of your spunk!"
"Unngh!" I grunted as I rammed my cock in and out of her ass a little harder.
"Brimstone and Hellfire! Fuck!" Paige squealed and rammed her hips back at me. "This is so naughty! So sinful! I'm fucking pregnant and my lover is ramming his dick up my ass! Fuck me, Ben! Never stop fucking me! I'll be your slut forever! I'm your sinful, lustful slut! Fuck me! Anytime you ever want for the rest of our lives just fuck me! Grab me and throw me down and I'll willingly spread my legs for you! Shove it in my ass! Cream inside my pussy! I don't care! Fuck me, lover! I'm yours for all time!"
"Arrrghhh!" I grunted, at the edge of climax. I was gripping Paige's hips and pounding her with an uncontrollable fury. Her anal sphincter was stretched as wide as it could possibly go, and she'd put enough jelly in there so that there was minimal friction.
"FUCK ME!" Paige howled. "FUCK ME! FUCK ME!"
"ARRRGHH!" I howled with her, ramming my pelvis forward one final time and holding it there. My cock was buried to full depth up her ass and I let fly with a massive load of spunk, filling up her bowels with jet after jet of creamy jism.
"Oh, GOD!!!" Paige screamed as she felt the hot splatters against her bowels. She'd waited for my orgasm, and only now did she throw her head back and scream to the heavens, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"
We trembled and shook on top of the bed for a full minute together, me squirting out the last gobs of cum into Paige's asshole while she quivered in the aftershocks of her climax. But no matter how much Paige may have wanted to collapse after that, some maternal instinct prevented her knees from buckling and dropping her onto her stomach.
Instead, she held on until I extracted myself out of her asshole and then reached over for the baby wipes. And only then did Paige roll onto her side and pant for oxygen while tenderly cradling her swollen belly.
Seeing her do that brought me crashing back to Earth quite quickly after the heavenly (or is that hellish?) pleasures we'd both just felt. The simple fact was: I'd told myself that Paige and I wouldn't resume a sexual relationship; that I was here to be her friend and support in this time of need. I loved her, but like a little sister. And no matter what else she meant to me, I just didn't have that romantic chemistry with her that she may have wanted.
Closing my eyes, I realized that I'd let my dick lead me on ... again. Last night, I'd given into my lust and need for comfort after getting dumped by Cadence. That one time, I might have forgiven myself. But now, after having had the chance to think about it, I'd let myself be seduced again.
"Paige, we need to talk about this," I said quietly.
She didn't answer me for a long time, her back turned to me as she lay on her side still cradling her belly.
"Paige..." I said softly again, briefly wondering if she'd passed out or fallen asleep.
Just when I was about to reach out and touch her, she rolled over to me, a sheen of moisture in her eyes and a world of sadness on her face. She pleaded with me with just her eyes, big doe eyes just the way Eden and Emma always looked at me when they wanted me on their side. And without a word, she reached out to my now-cleaned off cock, took it in her small hands, and bent over, suckling me back into her mouth.
"Mm!" I jerked at her warm, wet touch. Possessed of its own mind, my dick started stirring in anticipation of a second round, if not third or fourth or whatever. But I gently put my hand to her cheek and tried to direct her off me. "Paige, seriously. We need to talk about this."
"But I love you..." she whimpered and resumed sucking.
"I know," I sighed, continuing to try and direct her off.
"And you said you loved me..."
I grimaced and averted my eyes. Of all the things we'd done last night, I hadn't forgotten that part. "Yeah..." I began slowly. "About that..."
Paige abruptly stopped sucking, her eyes rolling up to mine. I'd stopped trying to pry her off my dick, but she didn't continue trying to give me the blowjob.
After another second, though, a tear rolled down her cheek and she pulled off my cock. And she gave me the most heartbreaking puppy-dog look I'd ever seen, my baby sisters included. "Please, Ben? I swear to God we'll talk when we're both done. But I'm not ready for this to end just yet. Please let me do this. Please, let US do this. And when we've both had our fill, when we're both too tired to continue, I promise we can talk all you want."
I blinked a few times, just processing everything she was saying. Paige decided to help along my decision process by bending over and slowly bobbing her head up and down my growing prick, filling my brain with pleasurable little lightning bolts. Her eyes were turned upward, watching me the entire time. And in the end, I just sighed and nodded.
We could talk later.
DAWN
"Fuck me..." she crooned. "Fuck me..."
"Oh, Paige..." Ben groaned in response.
With tears rolling down my cheeks, I sat on the couch, my knees pulled up to my chest while I wrapped my own arms around my legs and rocked slowly. I could feel my heart cracking with every moan that emanated out from that bedroom.
Adrienne was right beside me, her arms wrapped around my body, squeezing fiercely. "Dawn, Dawn," she soothed and rubbed my back.
"Of all the fucking people he had to rebound with, why HER?"
"They're just comforting each other," Adrienne tried to rationalize, not looking entirely convinced herself. "You said Ben got dumped by Cadence. Paige got dumped by her parents. They spent the night together ... Both of them are feeling hurt and needy ... And you know Ben does most of his morning thinking with his morning wood."
"Fuck it," I spat. And then I stood up and started back into Adrienne's bedroom. I'd have to retrieve the clothes I left in there. "This was a mistake. This whole thing was a fucking mistake. I don't know what the hell I was thinking."
"Dawn, where are you going?"
"To my apartment. To change. And then to class. I AM a student, remember?"
"Fuck me, Ben. I missed this so much ... I missed YOU so much. Fuck me, lover. Pound me. Sodomize me. Blast my nasty ass full of your spunk!"
I clenched my eyes shut and balled my hands into fists. Without another word I went into Adrienne's bedroom and picked up my discarded bra. I started pulling off my blouse so I could get re-dressed.
Adrienne appeared behind me and closed the bedroom door for privacy. The extra barrier helped to muffle the sounds of Ben and Paige buttfucking a dozen feet away. She looked at me seriously, with almost a pleading expression. "Dawn, this doesn't change anything we talked about last night. You still need to talk to Ben about your feelings and-"
"No!" I cut her off. I fastened my bra and then started pulling the blouse back on. "Thinking THAT was my mistake. Ben and I are different people now. We're not little kids playing in sandboxes anymore. We're not even teenagers at camp anymore. We're young adults, both of us almost 20, in the real world. We're at school. And we're friends."
"But you can be MORE. Ben accepts you as friends out of respect for you and Ryan. But he wants more from you. If you just tell him the way you really feel-"
"I can't do that." I interrupted.
Adrienne whimpered. "Well, if you can't, then maybe I can talk to him and-"
"NO!" I cut her off. "You do NOT tell Ben."
"Dawn..."
"Swear to me, Adrienne. Swear to me you won't tell him or I'll never forgive you!"
"But if you really love him..."
"I don't know that anymore. I love Ben as a friend. I know how much of a horn dog he is and that he's got a wandering eye. As friends, that doesn't bother me at all. But he's not right for me as a boyfriend. And I don't know that I can ever love him again like one."
"You don't mean that," Adrienne pleaded. "You and Ben are soulmates. You belong together."
I shook my head. "That's just wishful thinking ingrained in the both of us by our parents. My mom and Ben's mom always dreamed of having shared grandkids. It's a nice fantasy, but it's not practical. I bought into it, I did. But the fact is, the Ben I've dreamed of and the Ben I'm in love with is a fantasy too. It's not the real Ben. The real Ben is in that other room, FUCKING ANOTHER FUCKING GIRL'S ASSHOLE!" I yelled the last part.
"Dawn..."
I finished putting my jeans on and flung my hair back over my shoulders. "Nuh-uh. I don't need all this drama. I don't WANT all this drama. I've got a loving boyfriend who clearly adores me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He's stable. He's dedicated. He's handsome and hard-working and I know for a FACT that he'll never cheat on me or ever give me any reason to worry about him. I'm tired, Adrienne. I'm tired of dealing with all the shit around Ben. He'll always be my friend. And I will always love you and everyone in your family. But I think I'd like to just settle down and be happy, you know? And Ryan will do that for me."
"As happy as you'd be with Ben?" she asked.
"Maybe Ben could make me happier ... maybe. But subtract away all the drama and headaches and worrying and all that crap I'd have to go through with him? No, I'm choosing Ryan." Then I turned and walked out the door.
BEN
"Nnnghh ... nnnghhh..." Paige panted softly while I shafted her from behind. We were lying on our sides, spooned together with my cock imbedded in her tight pussy. This was our third go-round. I'd already dropped a load in her ass and another in her mouth. The desperate urge to cum was gone and for the moment, we were pleasantly making love.
We'd started this last round missionary-style, Paige holding me close to her. But I'd panicked about putting too much pressure on her belly and so we'd switched to doggy-style. But as the sex session wore on, we ended up on our sides to conserve energy and playfully cuddle while I continued to slowly pump into her from behind.
Paige always had nice tits, proportional to her petite size. But they'd been doing some growing over the past few months, filling up into a very pleasant handful. I knew this because her right breast was currently filling my right hand as we made love. I used it for a handhold while enfolding myself around her smaller body. And our hips came together and then drifted apart with a metronomic rhythm that suited the both of us.
Paige wasn't cursing anymore. This wasn't a wild, aggressive fuck. It was just a peaceful expression of love and pleasure, and she sighed happily while feeling me so intimately connected to her. At her moment of climax, she trembled in my arms while I kissed her right shoulder. And about two minutes later, I sped up into short thrusts and then released myself into her, filling up her vaginal cavity with wriggling sperm that would never find their way into her womb.
"That was nice," she sighed.
"Mmm..." I hummed, slightly delirious post-ejaculation.
"I'd love to have that feeling every morning."
I sighed and pushed my forehead into her hair. I hugged Paige's naked body against me, squeezing her close before releasing her and slowly pulling back.
My semi-hard cock was trapped in her narrow pussy for a second before tugging free, followed by a slow trickle of cum. I fetched some tissues to help blot her up and then rolled my chest up against her back once again. And stroking her arm soothingly, I said, "Paige, maybe this wasn't such a good idea."
"It was a great idea," she sighed happily. "I got to feel you in me again. Do you know how long I've been waiting for that?"
"Paige..."
"Since we broke up almost a year ago. I mean, I know I broke up with you. It was the biggest mistake of my life."
"It was the right decision."
"No it wasn't," Paige shook her head. "I was a stupid girl making an impulsive decision. We'd been together for what, three months? We weren't even exclusive; you were Adrienne's boyfriend at the same time. And I was expecting you to be madly in love with me and want to marry me and be Happily Ever After."
I winced and averted my eyes again.
Paige took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, lowering her own eyes. And in a somber voice, she admitted, "But you were right: feelings don't work that way."
I just looked thoughtful and waited for Paige to continue.
"Intellectually, I realized all that. I told you I still wanted to be friends. But then we went away for the summer and I really, really missed you. I started overthinking things and I resented you for not loving me the way that I wanted. I was still madly in love with you, but you weren't there, and I started resenting you for it. I wanted to prove to myself, and prove to you, that I didn't need you. So I met new people. I went out and got laid. I tried a couple drugs. It was fun. It was exciting, and you know how much I love 'exciting'. I figured I could handle it."
Paige's voice trailed off and then she looked down and patted her distended belly. "I was wrong."
I reached out and rubbed her arm reassuringly.
Paige sighed and continued, "Things just snowballed. One minute, I'd be so happy and thrilled I felt like I could fly. The next, I'd be crying without having any idea why. I'm not bipolar. I enjoyed the rushes. But I think it was the drugs I was taking that were really messing with my head. And I started craving bigger and better highs. I started doing crazier and crazier things. My life was spinning out of control, and there was no one there to stop me."
She looked ready to start crying again, and I drew her naked body to mine, holding her firmly. I didn't speak, but I reassured her with my embrace that I was here and that nothing bad could happen to her while she was still in my arms.
"I never stopped loving you, Ben. I hated you at the same time, but I was always in love with my White Knight. You were the first man I ever really loved. You were my First, virginity-wise. YOU were the man who protected me from everyone, including myself. I just know that if I'd stayed your friend, none of this crap would have ever happened to me. You wouldn't let it."
I patted her arm and rubbed my nose into the back of her head.
She took a deep breath and then sighed. "I realize now that I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I thought I could make you happy by letting you fuck me whenever you wanted. I thought that's all a guy wanted. But when I looked back at the way you were with Adrienne, with Dawn, with everyone around you, there's more than that. They don't just LET you do things to them, they share with you. They have their concerns for you. They make themselves available to give you advice. It's an equal partnership. You love them, protect them, worry about them, and they do all the same for you. They want to MAKE you happy just as much as you want to make them happy. And I didn't do that. I was only ever concerned with making myself happy."
I sighed, deciding to speak up. "You made me happy, Paige."
She turned in my arms, twisting her face around until she could look up at me. "Only momentarily. Through sex, I gave you momentary highs, just like me and the drugs. But the drugs didn't love me back. The drugs didn't think about what was going through my mind and think about what they could do to make my life better in the long run. And I didn't do any of those things for you, either."
"I wasn't expecting you to. We didn't have that kind of relationship."
"That was the problem. How could I expect you to love me when all we had was physical and casual? I showed up, we fucked, and we hung out together. There was nothing deeper than that; and I never had any interest in getting deeper than that. That's what I want to change now. I love you. I want to make YOU happy. I know that's going to be tough now that I'm pregnant and I've got all these complications in my life. I won't lie: I NEED you now, more than ever. My parents abandoned me yesterday. I don't have any real friends, no one else I can really depend on. I'm desperate and I'm clinging on to you, in part because I simply have nowhere else to go. But I don't want to just... leech off you anymore. I want to give back. I want to make you happy."
"Paige..."
"I'll be here for you every day. I want to take care of you the best way I know how. I'll cook. I'll clean. I'll make myself available to talk about your day. I'll make love to you with such passion, and I won't be jealous if you want to seek pleasure with other girls. I'll love you unconditionally, completely and totally unconditionally. I don't have much experience being a good girlfriend, but I'll try. I swear to God I'll try."
"Paige..."
"I LOVE you, Ben!" she whimpered. "And last night you said-"
"I was hurting last night," I interrupted her. "I didn't-"
"-mean it," she interrupted me. "I know." She bit her lip and looked away again. Then she took a deep breath and gave me the puppy-dog look again. "Ben, I'm going to do everything I can until you mean it. I'm going to love you like you've never been loved. I'm going to show you every possible-"
"PAIGE..." I put a finger over her lips to quiet her. Her eyes were wide but she obediently quieted down. "You can't force love," I said solemnly. "It has to grow on its own."
She blinked and waited for me to pull my finger away. She whimpered for a moment and looked down before saying, "Don't leave me, Ben. I need you. Please, don't abandon me too. I have nowhere else to go."
"Paige, of course I would never abandon you," I said reassuringly.
"Then just let me stay here with you. I love you and I won't try to hide that. You say love needs to grow on its own? Then fine. If it grows it grows. I'll do my best to help that process along. But I won't demand anything of you. Just let me be here ... near you ... and whatever happens, happens. Fair enough?"
I sighed and thought about it. She was madly in love with me again and I didn't feel the same way. Logic said I should keep her at arms length as much as possible, while still trying to give her the support she needed in this very difficult time.
But I was lonely, too. Brandi was still keeping herself aloof from me as she tried to figure out a new balance in our relationship. Adrienne was gone half the time as her modeling career took off, plus her sorority commitments. And Dawn was still with Ryan. Now that Cadence had broken up with me, I felt a big void and a deep craving for affection and love.
I knew I was rebounding a bit. I KNEW it. But that didn't make Paige's offer any less tempting. She just wanted to love me and learn how to think of ME. Why would anyone NOT want that?
"Okay," I said softly and then leaned in to peck Paige's forehead. "Okay."
"Hey," I greeted quickly as I slid into my chair. Bert looked over and nodded at me while Dawn just focused on her notes. A second later she glanced up and gave me a little wave, then turned back down to her notebook.
"You just get up?" Bert asked curiously as he pointed at my still damp hair. It was after lunch, a meal that I normally ate with Dawn and Bert before we all came to our Sophomore Business Seminar, and a meal I'd missed today after spending the entire morning in bed with Paige.
"Something like that," I drawled and then before Bert could reply, Professor Ice walked through the door like an Imperial Queen.
The room quieted down quickly and class began.
A little over an hour later, the three of us waltzed out of the classroom and started heading across campus down to Dawn's and Ryan's apartment. I moved over to Dawn and asked, "Did I miss anything important this morning?"
Her eyes flashed with ... something ... before she shook her head and said coolly, "You can copy my notes when we get to the apartment."
I nodded and then frowned as I evaluated my best friend. "You okay, Dawn?"
She shrugged and answered, "I'm fine. Relationship issues."
"Ah," I smirked. I glanced at Bert, walking along a couple of feet away. Whispering a little more softly to Dawn, I asked, "Want to talk about it later?"
"Not really. I'm fine. It'll pass," Dawn assured me.
I blinked a few times, continuing to stare at my best friend. Whatever it was, she WASN'T just fine. But I didn't want to press her with Bert around and so in the end, I just shrugged and continued walking.
Bert filled the awkward silence by slapping my shoulder lightly. He looked over and asked, "Oh hey. What's the latest on Paige? I asked Dawn this morning but she said I'd be better off asking you."
I explained about her parents disowning her and abandoning her at the school. I explained that she was handling things pretty well, all things considered. And since she had a full-ride scholarship with all her basics taken care of, room, board, medical, etc., she wasn't desperate just yet.
"That's during the school year," Bert pointed out. "What happens in the summer?"
I blinked and my eyes went wide. I hadn't thought about that. Of course, a part of me wanted to offer to let her come home with me, but then I would very likely not be heading home for the summer. Business internships were waiting along with the Undergraduate Business Program, and I'd probably be staying at the Berkeley house the way Brandi had been spending her summers here. In that case, I supposed she could stay at the house with me, but then this "temporary" living situation with Paige would start becoming rather permanent. Was I ready for that sort of thing? I still didn't think Paige and I should be romantically involved, but the situation was certainly bringing us closer and closer together.
Unable to work everything out immediately, I decided to change the subject. "So how are you doing? This whole thing with Robin."
Bert sighed. "I'm fine, I'm fine. Robin and I are still friends. We both felt this thing falling apart all semester. I just think our relationship ran its course and now we're both moving on to new things. It's a part of growing up."
"Still, it's got to hurt a bit," I said sympathetically.
"I'll be fine," Bert assured me. He glanced at Dawn with a little grin. "There are plenty of fish in the sea."
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Not this one. Ryan and I are doing just fine thank you very much."
"Oh, I know," Bert grinned at the gorgeous blonde. "But if I ever find your long- lost twin sister, you can bet I'll be all over her." Then he glanced across the greenscape to where a striking brunette was walking in the opposite direction. "Ooh, or maybe her."
Dawn snorted and I clapped Bert's back. "You've come a long way from stammering in front of a pretty girl."
Bert grinned. "On that note, I think I'll go introduce myself."
I arched an eyebrow and looked at my friend. "You serious?"
"Sure, why not? What's the worst she can do, turn me down?" With a little grin, Bert turned away from us and headed back up the pathway, no doubt calculating a suitable intercept point on the striking brunette.
Dawn and I both looked after him, chuckling. I glanced at my best friend and asked, "You and Gwen scramble his mind when you two fucked his brains out?"
Dawn punched my shoulder pretty hard. "No." And then she took a deep breath. "Well, maybe. He's certainly been more outgoing and aggressive ever since that night."
"It's amazing what good sex can do for a boy's confidence..." I nodded sagely. And then raising my eyebrows, I glanced back at Dawn. "Well at least we're alone now. And I need to talk to you."
Dawn sighed and nodded, slightly weary but willing. "Okay. What's up?"
"Paige."
Dawn rolled her eyes and pointedly looked away from me, scowling. "You know what, Ben? Not right now."
"Huh?" I looked at her in confusion.
"Look, you know I'm always here for you, to chat or vent or whatever," she said with just a bit of an edge in her voice. "But I'm just not in the mood right now. Okay?"
"Okay, okay." I held my hands up. "No problem."
We walked along in silence for a bit. I felt weird. Clearly, something was bothering Dawn. And the last thing I wanted to do was aggravate her. "You know, YOU can always talk to me, too," I reminded her.
She exhaled in resignation. "I know, Ben. I know. Just ... not now."
Okay. Dawn needed space. I could do that. Still, I reached out and squeezed her hand, pumping it three times and giving her my most reassuring smile. Whatever was going through my best friend's head, I wanted her to know I was on her side.
But she didn't look back at me.
DAWN
APRIL 2, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR
"After you, Mademoiselle." Ryan said theatrically. He held my hand with his right, bowing and gesturing with his left for me to proceed as he helped me out of the passenger seat.
I giggled, took two dainty steps forward, and then turned and waited for my boyfriend to catch up to me. We were in the parking lot of an Olive Garden, not the red carpet at the valet of some fancy five-star restaurant. But I appreciated his gesture.
Ryan closed the door on his beater Mercury Sable, hitting it a second time to make sure the door was closed. And then he walked over and took my hand to escort me inside, feeling happy. Ryan was still living on a shoestring budget, his family not coming from wealth, and the cost of maintaining an apartment while at school stretched his bank account thin as well. But today he told me he had a surprise and he was splurging by taking me to a restaurant guaranteed to cost over $30 for the two of us.
Despite our reservation, we waited for about fifteen minutes before getting a table on this Friday night. And once seated, I politely asked for water so as not to pad the bill any higher. But Ryan went ahead and ordered two iced teas, knowing I liked the drink.
I arched an eyebrow at him questioningly, and once the waitress left, my boyfriend reached across the table and put his hand over mine, saying eagerly, "I can afford it. I got a job."
Now both my eyebrows went up. "Really? Where?"
"Cisco. They went through a few rounds of massive layoffs, but now they're hiring back to fill their holes and new grads are much cheaper. I start first of June."
"Ohmigod. Ryan! Congratulations!" I clapped excitedly, and Ryan couldn't possibly smile any bigger. "Which location?"
"Milpitas. They have these big, brand new buildings right off 880 that are like half- empty now. So I guess I'll have lots of elbow room."
"Milpitas ... Milpitas..." I said thoughtfully, mentally sorting out the geography. Maps were not my strong suit. Ben often complained about how I had absolutely NO clue about north versus south versus whatever. I grew up in the South Bay and I wasn't even entirely sure if Milpitas was East or West of me. But eventually I remembered. "Hey, that's not too far away from Fremont."
Ryan sat back and shrugged. "Uh no, it's not. They're neighboring cities."
I smiled warmly at him. "Didn't you say you really liked the school district in Fremont? And it's not too far from your parents' house, either."
Ryan's jaw dropped. He was surprised I was taking things in this direction. "Uh, well. No, it's not."
"And there's a BART station in Fremont, right? So I can get back up to Berkeley pretty easily."
Ryan leaned forward, covering my hand again. His expression was wary, full of concern. "Dawn, I told you I would never pressure you-"
"Okay. Let's do it. I'll go with you."
"What?" He looked absolutely SHOCKED. After the way I'd reacted the one and only time he'd ever proposed us moving away from Berkeley together, Ryan had carefully avoided any further talk of it, or any talk at all of a more permanent commitment between us.
My eyes sparkled as I looked across the table at my boyfriend. This was the right thing to do. This was commitment to our relationship. Ryan had never once let me down. He had always been there for me. He had always loved me. After everything he'd put into our relationship, didn't he deserve this kind of commitment from me? "I'll go with you, Ryan. Maybe it's too early for school districts. And honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready to get married just yet. Heck, I don't know if Fremont is the best place to get an apartment. Maybe we'll end up in Milpitas if it's cheaper so you have a short commute and I'm just a hop away from the BART station. Either way, I think I'm ready to do this."
"Dawn, are you serious?" Ryan stared at me wide-eyed, still in disbelief.
I squeezed his hands and looked him squarely in the eye. "Ryan, I love you. Of course I'm serious."
BEN
APRIL 5, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR
I felt something tickle my balls; and with a start, I jerked awake.
"Mmph!" she groaned. As my eyes opened up, I realized I'd just shoved my dick an inch into a girl's throat. She gagged slightly and then popped off to catch her breath. And then she brushed her dark auburn bangs back with one hand while flashing me a radiant smile.
"Morning, Ben!" Paige grinned happily and then bent back over to resume her excellent blowjob. She'd woken me up in this manner every single day for the past week — and I mean every single day — and she was getting really good at handling that reflexive thrust when I first came awake.
I'd tried to stop her the first few days. I told her that I didn't want to take advantage of her, that we shouldn't have this kind of relationship. We were friends, and I didn't have those romantic feelings for her, even though we both knew SHE did. And I felt like I would be leading her on if I accepted her sexual advances without any promises of developing love.
But Paige was very insistent that she do this for me. And in the end, it seemed to be a compromise that we could both handle. I flat out refused to have sex with her again, no matter how much she tried to seduce me. I wouldn't let her give me blowjobs at any other time. But in the mornings, while I was still asleep, she always managed to get my pants open and my morning wood into her mouth before I could object. And once she'd gotten me worked up enough to wake up, there was little I could do to stop her.
At least this one illicit act seemed to defuse the sexual tension between us for the rest of the day. I got my rocks off, making it far less tempting to give in to her seductions later on. She got to suck me off, which often made her so horny that she had to masturbate and plead with me to fuck her. But after we got out of the bedroom in the morning, she accepted what she'd gotten and for the past few days, hadn't bothered me any further. I just worried that one illicit act might become two ... and then three ... and then, well, you get the idea.
About five minutes later, the randy redhead got what she'd been waiting for as I groaned and poured out a river of semen into her belly. When she was done, she smacked her lips appreciatively and then patted my hip. "C'mon. Time to get ready for class."
I had to admit: I adored my new alarm clock.
Perhaps ten minutes later, we went into the main room to find Brandi already eating her breakfast. As usual, Dayna was spending the night with Kevin. My sister looked up at us with a little grin. "Good morning, you two."
"Morning!" Paige said perkily. She then kissed my cheek and unceremoniously pushed me down into my seat. Then with a little twirl, she headed into the kitchen to make us both breakfast. Over the past week I had tried telling her — twice — that I was perfectly capable of making my own breakfast. But she insisted on the domestic chore and I didn't have the heart to really argue with her.
The sounds of the range top and the overhead fan kicked in, muffling any other sounds. And once that background noise started up, Brandi leaned in with an impish smile and remarked, "Still claim she's not your girlfriend?"
"No, we're just friends," I stared at my hands, which were clasped together on top of the table. Why did that phrase feel like SUCH déjà vu?
"Okay Mr. 'Just Friends'. You have sex with her yet?
"Not since the first day," I replied firmly.
"Fine. And how many days since you got back from Spring Break has she NOT given you a morning blowjob?"
I frowned and averted my eyes.
"How many?" Brandi egged me on.
I mumbled "zero" so softly she actually couldn't hear me.
"I'm sorry, say again?"
I sighed. "What's your point?"
Brandi sat up straight and shrugged. "Not making a point. Just pointing out facts."
"It's complicated."
Brandi shrugged. "When is it NOT complicated with you? But for her sake, I think you'd better figure it out and fast. A pregnant girl is not someone you can just mess around with, Ben."
"I TOLD her I don't have romantic feelings for her."
"Yet you let her suck you off anyways."
"It's not like I'm initiating anything."
Brandi shook her head. "Doesn't matter. If this is real and developing into something else, that's one thing. If not, then you're just leading her on. Hasn't Dawn told you all this?"
I frowned. "Dawn and I haven't really talked much this past week. Something's bothering her in general, and I haven't wanted to add to her burden by talking about Paige."
"Really?" Brandi looked surprised. "Dawn's never looked happier to me. In fact, she was positively giddy on Saturday when she told us she and Ryan were moving out together."
My eyes flew open. "Wait, WHAT?" I barked in shock. "WHAT?"
I'd yelled loud enough that Paige came scurrying out of the kitchen. "What's wrong?"
Brandi gulped, her eyes wide. "You didn't know?"
"NO!!!"
Brandi blanched and glanced at both me and Paige. She then stared at me and put a hand over her mouth, looking mortified. "Ohmigod. Seriously? Dayna and I even asked her how you were taking the news. She just shrugged and said that you were handling it."
"Handling it? She never TOLD me! When did THIS happen?"
Brandi gulped and looked apologetic. "She said they talked about it Friday night. Ryan got a job at Cisco in Milpitas. They're planning to get an apartment nearby the BART station in Fremont."
My mind was racing. Okay, today was Monday and I hadn't seen Dawn since Friday after classes, so it wasn't like she'd deliberately hidden something this big when we were together. But still, she SHOULD have called me to tell me. Weren't we best friends?
WHAT THE FUCK?
"Why didn't you tell me?" I folded my arms across my chest as Dawn came out of her apartment.
She didn't have to ask what I was talking about. She already knew. And shaking her head, Dawn merely rolled her eyes and stepped past me, heading up the sidewalk without giving me an answer.
I hustled after her. "Dawn! Seriously."
"I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't understand," she tossed over her shoulder.
"Understand that you're moving away from Berkeley? Understand that you're moving away from all your friends? Understand that you're moving IN with your boyfriend who will have graduated and gotten a job far, far away from here? C'mon, Dawn! We've got the Undergraduate Program coming and we're going to be busier than ever! When are you going to have time to commute back and forth?"
"I'll make the time."
"And what do your other friends think about this? Gwen? Robin? Have you even TALKED to Adrienne?"
"Gwen and Robin understand. I haven't SEEN Adrienne all weekend, otherwise she certainly would have told you."
"And why didn't YOU tell me?"
"We've been over this. I knew you'd react like this."
"Damn fucking right I'm reacting like this! You made this decision FRIDAY! I had to freaking find out from Brandi, who was in shock that I didn't already know!"
Dawn leveled her gaze at me. "Boo, so you had to wait an extra couple of days? You mean like how I had to find out when you broke up with DJ?"
"That was different! We weren't WE back then. That whole breakup even led to us PROMISING we'd be more open with each other."
"Yeah, well, things change." Dawn shrugged and continued walking.
"What's changed? You're my best friend! We're supposed to SHARE, and I didn't even have a clue that you were even considering something this major!"
"Yeah, well maybe you can share with your new girlfriend."
"What?"
"Talk to Paige. Share with Paige."
"Paige ISN'T my girlfriend."
"Whatever." Dawn rolled her eyes and waved dismissively. "She's there for you 24/7, devoted and madly in love. Talk to her."
"But what about us?"
Dawn stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes rimming with red and obvious moisture forming over her irises. "I can't do this anymore," she choked out. "This isn't going to work out the way I thought it would and I just can't wait around for you anymore. I just can't."
My jaw dropped and then before I could even blink, Dawn hugged herself and practically ran away, racing up the sidewalks.
I didn't panic right away. I assumed I would meet up with Dawn at class and then we'd get things figured out.
But she didn't show.
I nervously sat through the first twenty minutes of class, wondering where she was and what was going through her mind. After that, I just couldn't keep still anymore and I slipped out of the room. Once outside, I looked everywhere, my head swiveling around rapidly as if she would somehow be standing within view of the classroom. And then I started making the attempts to contact her.
I started with repeated phone calls. Every single one ended up hitting her voicemail. I hit END and tried again the first two times. I left panicked messages the second two times. Then came texting. I told her I REALLY needed to talk to her. And then I hustled away to try and physically track her down.
Dawn wasn't at her apartment. Neither was Ryan. Or if they were there, they were hiding inside behind locked doors with all the lights off.
I called Gwen and Robin. Neither girl had heard from Dawn and asked me what the heck was going on. I didn't explain, just made them promise to call me if they saw or heard from her.
I was heading back onto campus to start randomly trying potential locations where I thought she might be when my phone rang. I saw the caller ID and with absolute relief, I picked up the line and said breathlessly, "Dawn?"
"Stop calling me, Ben. And stop calling my friends. I'm fine, okay?"
"Dawn, what's going on?"
"I just need time, okay? Can you give me some time?"
"Dawn, please. I just want to understand."
"That's your problem, Ben. For all our mystical connections and lifelong partnerships and everything else, you just don't understand."
"I'm trying."
"Look. I need to get this all sorted out in my own head. We're friends. We'll ALWAYS be friends. But I've made my choice; and I'm choosing Ryan. Goodbye."
I was still under a dark cloud when my bedroom door opened. I'm not exactly sure how long I'd been sitting in my desk chair, staring out the window; but it had to have been more than an hour.
My back was to the door when Paige brightly said, "Oh, hi, Ben! Wasn't expecting to see you here."
I didn't turn around or otherwise give her any indication that I'd heard her. Actually, I HADN'T heard her. I was too lost in my own thoughts. For all she knew, I was already dead with blood running out of my slit throat to stain my shirt. It was a morbid idea, but I was in a morbid mood.
'I'm choosing Ryan'. What the hell did THAT mean? Dawn had chosen Ryan a long, LONG time ago. She chose him when we were still in High School, right before the Prom where I hooked up with Adrienne. She'd told me she'd chosen him by fucking voicemail. And ever since then, she'd been HIS girlfriend. So what was the big deal with her "choosing" Ryan? That ship had sailed years ago.
But deep down, I knew it meant more than that. Deep down, I always believed Dawn and I would be together again someday. She'd told me at camp, almost two years ago: 'We're still young; and we've got time. Someday, I WILL marry you.'
Technically, Dawn and I were still teenagers. We were too young for lifelong commitments and I knew I still was swayed by my dick FAR too often to think I could be in a permanent relationship without fucking it up sooner than later. I knew I still had the urges to sow my wild oats and Dawn had her own experiences to find. But I always believed that when our worlds ended, Dawn and I would be together.
But time was running out now. In four days, I would turn 20, a teenager no longer. Would my young adult decision-making be any more mature? Would I become the kind of man that Dawn deserved?
It seemed that Dawn had decided the answer was "No". 'I'm choosing Ryan.' For whatever reasons, she'd decided that Ryan, not me, was the man who would make her the happiest; not just for now, but for all time. And I wasn't entirely sure what to think about that.
Scratch that. I knew exactly what I thought about that: FUCK! This fucking SUCKS!
Real mature, Ben.
I don't care. I'm losing her. I'm losing her.
You never HAD her.
I did. Once.
And you gave her up. You GAVE her to HIM. And he always said he'd never give her back to you.
Fucking bastard. I'll kill him.
It's not his fault. She's incredible and he knows what he's got. She's not perfect. No one is. But she's the most wonderful girl you've ever known, and you let her slip away. You could have taken her back at any time in the last two years if you really wanted. She offered herself to you at Robin's Swingers Party.
It wouldn't have been right.
Right, wrong, like it fucking matters. He's got her now. And you don't.
FUCK!
So what now? You've been abandoned. Your best friend abandoned you. She barely even talks to you anymore. You didn't just lose a potential girlfriend. You lost your best friend.
FUCK!
So what now?
"Ben???" Paige shook me hard enough to break my reverie. I blinked and stared at her, taking in her pretty face with big blue eyes and a concerned look. She was also kneeling on the floor in front of me, her V-necked top bulging outward by her growing breasts. Her hands were on my legs, and without thinking about it, I suddenly gripped the side of her face with my left hand and held it rigidly.
Paige gasped in surprise and a little fear, but I didn't squeeze her too tightly. She started to move her face away from my hand, not far enough to break free but just enough to relax the pressure of my fingers. And when I let her, she visibly relaxed and then pressed her cheek against my palm.
I am a sexual creature.
Still not really thinking about it, I moved my right hand to my zipper and started dragging it down. Paige's eyes went wide, but she got the hint quickly and moved her own hands to my jeans to unbutton them and then reach inside to pull out my turgid rod. Her hands were warm as she wrapped her dainty fingers around my shaft and elevated it through the open flap of my boxers. She stroked me gently but firmly, eyes locked onto the throbbing stalk of man-meat. And without question, she leaned forward and slurped me into her mouth.
This was what I wanted. I was angry and hurt and I wanted to FUCK. I wanted to blast off in Paige's sucking mouth then flip her over and ravage her tiny asshole, spanking her with wild abandon until I yanked back on her hair and flooded her rectum with hot cum, all while hearing her scream at me to sodomize her even harder.
I groaned and sagged a little deeper into the chair as the sensations of pleasure washed over me. They deadened my depressive thoughts, fogging my brain and then gradually eroding away my melancholy with wave after wave of blissful feeling. I felt Paige's hand tighten around my shaft, pumping up and down while her lips and tongue danced around my head. Instead of thinking about Dawn and all my myriad angsty thoughts about her, I absorbed Paige's still-developing blowjob technique and the way she was learning to pick up my non-verbal cues in order to bring me more and better pleasure. And as I did so, my anger at Dawn melted away to be replaced by a thoughtfulness about Paige and everything she was doing for me.
Here was a young girl who had a heap of troubles of her own. She'd been disowned by her parents. She still had no idea where she would be living two months from now. And of course, she was freaking pregnant. But rather than dwell on her problems or bitch about them to me, she'd been completely and totally focused on me. Her every action — all day and every day — was centered around making ME happy.
Paige cooked and cleaned for me. She organized my bedroom, but not in a control-freaky way. She hung around in the evenings to ask about my day when I wanted to talk; and she gave me space when I didn't. It had only been a week, but we'd learned more about each other in the past week than we had in the entire time we'd been dating before.
And we'd shared. More than just talking about our days, we shared with each other. I got to understand a little better what made Paige tick. I never understood her rigid devotion to certain Catholic rules (not the least of which was "no contraception"), especially given how she could be so WILD in other ways (like the drug use). When it came down to it, Paige was just one of those girls who had very strong convictions and a very strong faith; but she was naïve and clueless about so many things and so many consequences in the real world that she really just didn't understand what she was getting herself into half the time. And rather than be cautious and wary until she fully understood things better, she was the kind of girl who recklessly plunged ahead and trusted in her faith that she would emerge in one piece. 'God has a plan, ' she told me more than once.
At the same time, Paige had dug deeper into my psyche as well. I wasn't entirely sure that I knew what made me tick, but we talked about my relationships with the people around me and about how I seemed driven to make the people I cared about happy. She commented about how I often spread myself too thin, trying to figure out how to make others happy and yet not defining any real actionable goals for myself. And she definitely hit on what Dawn had called my White Knight complex. And she was still trying to work out exactly how I loved the different girls in my life, from Brandi to Adrienne to Dawn to herself, and how each of them enriched my life and made me happy in different ways.
For the past week, Paige had been true to her word. She'd loved me unconditionally, being supportive without asking anything of me except my willingness to let her be around. Other than complaining about not being able to sleep overnight with me, she hadn't complained when I'd been fucking Adrienne's and Cadence's brains out. And even last Thursday, when Adrienne had visited me again for a booty call, Paige had willingly stepped aside and not tried to join in with us, knowing that I didn't want us to cross that sexual boundary. Of course, she'd stuck around and jilled off while watching us, but I couldn't blame a horny girl in her second trimester.
And even now, without question, she'd let me bend her over my lap for a blowjob in the middle of the day.
Paige was special, unique. Yeah, at times she was nuttier than a peanut butter factory, but she clearly loved me and wanted to be with me. The word "devoted" came to mind. It was the word Dawn used most often to describe Ryan. And if HE was the one to make her happy, then maybe Paige was the right girl for me.
Looking down, I gently pried Paige off my dick, leaving the knob wet and glistening with saliva and pre-cum. Getting up from the desk chair, I wrapped my arms around her waist and easily lifted the petite girl into the air, carrying her over to my bed where I softly lay her on her back and then moved my hands to begin undressing her.
Over the years, Paige's wardrobe had moved away from Catholic schoolgirl uniforms into something a little bit more college-appropriate. But she still favored button-blouses and skirts, and with practiced ease, I opened up each button down her torso while she simply lay back, panting shallowly in obvious arousal. Her dark blue eyes were stormy as she stared right at my face. Her chest rose and fell with each rapid breath. And when I got to the bottom and pulled apart her shirt, she put her heels to the bed and lifted her hips to help me drag her skirt down her legs and off as well.
The panties were next. Paige had collected an array of skimpy thongs over the past year, no doubt to entice her variety of men during her wild period. They were already soaked through when I snaked them off her legs. And then she parted her thighs to the side and held her breath in eager anticipation as my face descended down to her crotch. Even though she'd been giving me morning blowjobs for the past week, I hadn't gone down on her since that first day after Spring Break, not wanting to get her any more sexually excited than she already was.
But she deserved this. After all the dedication Paige was showing me, didn't she deserve this?
"Ohhh ... Bennn..." Paige groaned as her fingers tightened in my hair. My tongue was working up and down her tightly closed labia, gently teasing them open like the petals of a rose. I held her thighs apart while dragging my tongue up and down her slit, tickling her perineum and working all the way up to her hooded clit.
Meanwhile, Paige had unhooked her own bra, pushing the cups up and above her swollen tits, now pushing a C-cup in her pregnancy. She palmed them, rubbed them, and pinched the nipples, all while groaning in rapturous pleasure.
"Oh my God..." she whimpered once I'd teased her open enough to penetrate my tongue inside. I'd never really given it much thought, but I had a pretty long tongue, long enough to touch my own nose. And Paige was certainly feeling it as I delved deeply into her and snaked back up to tease her now un-hooded clit.
I didn't just try to get her off as fast as possible. This wasn't about powerful orgasms. One thing I'd learned over the years, and perhaps most especially hammered home by DJ and Dawn, was that satisfying a girl wasn't always about frying their brain with a massive orgasm or giving them so much pleasure that their central nervous system went into shock. Quality, not intensity, of orgasms was often more important. And I wanted to make sure Paige got a high-quality orgasm that showed her just how much I appreciated her.
"Oh, Ben ... Oh, Ben..." Paige whimpered as I drove her up the proverbial wall. A finger had joined my ministrations as I reached inside her to lightly tap at her G- spot, a steady, pulsing pressure that had her squirming and wriggling so much that I had to clamp down with my left hand to keep her still. I switched from up and down stroking to shorter side-to-side motions, buzzing her clit like my tongue was a hummingbird's wings. And several minutes later, as I felt her body tensing in preparation for the explosion, I switched to the paint-shaker move that Brooke loved so much.
"Oh, God! Oh, God!" Paige cried. "Oh, FUCK!" she squealed as her hips bucked off the bed, driving her crotch against my jaw hard enough to push my head back. I caught her hips and then pinned them back onto the bed while I kept up my action on her happy spots, making the girl writhe and twist uncontrollably in spasmodic ecstasy.
After I felt her body crest over the peak of climax, I stopped stimulating her and settled for just tenderly kissing her loins and rubbing her soothingly. Paige was still in the throes of her climax, but I was giving her a soft landing instead of pushing her harder so that she might pass out. It was a happy medium between power and intimacy.
And when she was done, Paige slumped back against my sheets and glanced around her own swollen belly to give me a goofy grin. She was very well-satisfied with that orgasm, and raw love shone in her eyes as she reached down to me. "Come inside me, Ben. Please. Come and then cum inside me."
Eagerly, I ripped my shirt over my head and shoved my shorts and jeans down to my ankles. I moved up Paige's body, centering my rampant prick between her spread thighs. I wanted this. Paige wanted this. And after finding out that Dawn had chosen Ryan over me, it would feel really, really good.
But just "feeling good" wasn't a good reason to do this. This wasn't descending into robot-mode, then taking and forcefully fucking Gwen. First of all, I wasn't in robot-mode. I had full control of my thoughts and actions. Second of all, this wasn't Gwen, a hot and horny girl who only ever wanted casual sex with me.
This was Paige. And this MEANT something to her. There was a note of happiness and hope in her voice that cut straight to my heart. She loved me, and once we made love again, everything between us would change. Yeah, we'd fucked a week ago. But we both knew that had been cathartic fucking: anguish for me over losing Cadence; comfort for Paige after being dumped by her parents. Since then, we hadn't crossed this line, and I knew that if we did this time, it would mean something to the BOTH of us. I would be accepting Paige as my lover, my girlfriend really. And she would finally have me back.
But I didn't think that way of Paige. Not yet, and maybe not ever. I loved her. I had concerns for her. But I just didn't have THOSE kinds of feelings for her, no matter how much she tried. I was Paige's White Knight. I was her protector, her big brother. I just couldn't see her as a partner, my equal, as someone who would challenge ME the same way that Dawn and Adrienne had.
And more to the point, I was still an emotional wreck over Dawn. I had been sitting by myself in my darkened bedroom for hours, contemplating the missed opportunities and the mistakes I'd made that ultimately led to Dawn choosing a future with Ryan over a future with me. My head wasn't in the right place to do something like this with Paige, and she deserved better.
"I'm sorry," I said softly. "I can't do this."
"Ben, please," Paige whimpered. She hunched her crotch forward, touching her pussy lips to the head of my cock. And her hands were on my arms, tugging me downward while staring up at me with big eyes. "I want this."
"Paige, I can't do this," I repeated. Then I turned my face away and rolled off to the side. Pulling my shorts and jeans up to my waist, I sat on the edge of the bed, my heels perched on the bed frame. And I held my head in my hands.
The little redhead was quickly beside me, cinching her blouse over her chest with one hand and rubbing my naked back with the other. "You okay?"
"No. I'm not." I shuddered, fighting back the urge to cry.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thrown myself at you like that. I KNEW you were hurting about something when I walked in. But then you held my head and unzipped and one thing led to another and-"
"I'm sorry," I interrupted. "It wasn't your fault. I'm the bad guy here."
"You can never be the bad guy, Ben. Not to me." Paige shook her head. Then she leaned in and rubbed my shoulder. "What happened today?"
I sighed. "It's Dawn."
Then Paige did something I never would have expected out of her. "Oh, okay," she said firmly, buttoning her blouse back up. "Tell me about it, and we'll figure out what to do."
DAWN
Sooo close. I had been sooo close to opening the door for him. I already pictured what would happen in my mind's eye. I'd fling the door open and Ben would rush into my arms. He'd declare that he was mine forever and we'd take each other right there on the floor, with the door wide open. We'd be careless for whoever might see us because we were soulmates. We'd announce to the world that we belonged together.
But I didn't. I just stayed next to the couch, right where I'd dropped to the floor as soon as I'd realized Ben was banging on the door. With the lights off and the windows shut, he wouldn't have any idea I was actually in here. And just when I was about to lose my nerve and go open it, he finally gave up and went away.
The calls from Gwen and Robin started shortly after that. Robin had even left class to figure out what the hell was wrong, as Ben sounded absolutely panicked. "He thinks you're facedown in a ditch somewhere!" she'd told me.
I'd assured Robin I was fine and promised I'd call him back. Then after another few minutes to work up my courage, I did call Ben back and told him to stop calling me. I told him I was choosing Ryan. Then I hung up.
Still on the floor, leaning sideways against the base of the couch, I dropped my chin down onto my upraised knees. I hugged my legs and closed my eyes. And then the floodgates opened and rivers of tears streamed down my cheeks.
I dried out after an hour or so ... I think. My tear ducts simply didn't have any more moisture to give. I was too tired to keep crying anyways. And straggling to my feet, I managed to totter into the bedroom and flop myself onto the bed. Exhausted, I desperately hoped for sleep and unconsciousness to take me and quiet the frantic spinning of my head.
But sleep didn't come. I lay there, drooling a bit, staring at nothing while I felt the crushing weight of my decision. It was over. I'd lost a dream.
According to our parents, Ben and I first promised each other we'd get married and have a big family when we were four years old. I don't actually remember it, but I believe them.
We had a mock wedding when we were seven, officiated by 9-year-old Dayna. My ring came out of a Cracker Jack box and Ben wore a red clip-on bowtie with yellow polka dots over his T-shirt.
We first mimed having sex, fully-clothed, when we were eight, after watching the Discovery Channel show a pride of lions. Mom found Ben lying on top of my back while I was kneeling on the floor and curled into a ball. She asked what we were doing and had a cow when we replied, "Mating."
Technically, Ben first proposed to me when we were ten, just before his family moved to Orange County. He got down on one knee with a $15 ring he'd gotten from a mall kiosk and went through the whole nine yards. Since I'd said "yes", one could say I'd been his fiancée for this entire time. I lost that ring when I was twelve and cried for almost an entire day when I couldn't find it.
And when we were sixteen, after I gave my virginity to him (and Dayna and Brandi had WATCHED us), I started planning my dream wedding. If I had my way, we'd return to camp and put a white lattice archway in our special clearing. We'd have to hike out and I wouldn't be able to have a fancy dress, but I didn't care. I'd marry him in tennis shoes and a white cocktail outfit if I needed to. With just our two families around us, Ben and I would say our vows. And our love would last for all eternity.
But it wasn't going to happen anymore. The Ben I loved at four, seven, eight, ten, and even sixteen was a different Ben at nearly twenty. I was a different Dawn. And it was time to grow up from my childish fantasies.
I'd spent my entire life believing that Ben and I would end up together when the dust settled. But now that belief was gone. I felt like a part of my soul had been ripped away from me, leaving a big gaping wound in the middle of my heart.
So even though I had no more tears to give, I shuddered and kept on trying to cry.
Ryan found me that afternoon, sitting up on the bed with my knees pulled to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. "Dawn, babe? What's wrong?"
What could I tell him? That I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend, but had realized he wasn't the man I wanted him to be? That my heart was breaking because I was mourning the future that wouldn't come true? Yeah, right. The last thing I could ever tell Ryan was how much I desperately wished Ben could have been the man for me.
So summoning my strength, I merely pushed myself up and started wiping my eyes. "I'm okay. Just had a rough day, that's all."
"You sure?"
"I'm fine. I'm fine." I nodded.
"Whatever it is, you can tell me about it you know," my loving boyfriend said warmly.
"I know, I know," I assured him. At least I had no tears, so Ryan wasn't too anxious. "I think it's just hormones. I'm having a massive flow day," I told him. "Think I need to change my pad."
"Oh, uh, right," Ryan stammered, averting his eyes. He was funny like that. Anytime I mentioned something remotely related to my period, he pretended like he didn't even hear it. Ryan could be such a ... male ... sometimes.
I stood up and started heading to the bathroom. Then I called over my shoulder. "What do you want for dinner? I was thinking of spaghetti."
He nodded and turned to the desk, already hunched over to pull his books and binders out from his backpack so that he could get started on his homework. Even though he'd lined up a job, he still had to make sure he passed his final classes. "Sounds good, babe."
BEN
Once I calmed down enough to tell Paige the story, my little redhead showed remarkable poise and maturity given that the man she was in love with was clearly hung up on his best friend. Without biasing her advice to make me more susceptible to herself, Paige helped me outline two possible courses of action.
One, I could accept that Ryan made Dawn happy. I could support their relationship and be the very best friend to her that I could be. Doing so could mean I would have lost Dawn forever. But she would be happy, and wasn't that the most important thing to me? If I truly loved her, I would value her happiness over my being with her.
Or two, I would have to make the decision that only I could make Dawn truly happy, and she the only one who could make ME truly happy. I would have to believe, with utter and complete conviction, that Dawn and I were meant to be together and SHOULD be together. If that meant destroying her relationship with Ryan, so be it. Dawn and I had reached a critical point, where I either stepped up and did whatever it took to get her back, or I let her go.
Then Adrienne returned from classes and we told her about Dawn's decision to move with Ryan to Fremont. Surprisingly, the blonde bombshell got pissed, and all of a sudden Paige and I had to calm her down. "What the fuck is she thinking?" became a common phrase out of Adrienne's mouth.
But once we got her calmed down, she seemed to confirm Paige's diagnosis and agreed that I only had two serious options. But she seemed to be pushing option two: Win Dawn Back. I got the distinct impression that Adrienne was trying to tell me that Dawn still loved me and still had very, very strong feelings for me without actually saying it. I wasn't sure if the two girls had talked about me that night they spent together or if these were just Adrienne's impressions. Either way, Adrienne was convinced that Dawn and I still belonged together.
But then Brandi arrived and took the alternate position. She told me that we're all different people as teenagers from the way we are as adults. They way we see the world changes every year, and real life isn't a fairy tale. I thought that perhaps my big sister was being cynical, still hurting from her own failed relationship. And I thought she was talking about herself sometimes, describing how SHE had to move on from her playful but dangerous incestuous relationship with me, and how she'd had to grow up from her youthful fantasies. But I couldn't disagree with her logic. The simple fact was that for the entire time Dawn and I had been together as adults, she'd been with Ryan and I'd been with others. Our fantasies of being together had only ever been rooted at camp or in our childhoods.
I also would have expected Paige to encourage me toward option one. After all, having me accept Dawn being with Ryan would leave me single and available. Wasn't that in Paige's best interests, given her clearly stated desire for us to be together? But it seemed Paige was taking her own advice to heart: she valued my happiness over my being with her.
I didn't make a final decision with the girls. My mind had been like the ocean in the middle of a hurricane, roiling and thrashing and never, ever quite still. I was getting three slightly differing opinions, not to mention my own, pushing and pulling me in different directions. And I knew that whatever decision I made would impact far more than just my relationship with Dawn. I wanted her and I believed a part of her still wanted me. But Ryan wanted her and Paige wanted me. I knew Dawn wanted Ryan and a part of me wanted Paige. But all these interests couldn't be satisfied at the same time, and the conflicts between them and the potential consequences of my decision were giving me a massive headache.
In the end, I just had to ask everyone to leave me alone to think by myself. The girls gave me my space, and Paige didn't even come to spend the night with me. I continued pondering what to do.
One way or another, I'd see Dawn in the morning, and by then I'd have to choose.
APRIL 6, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR
I stood up awkwardly as Dawn came out of the apartment. They were on the second floor and I had been sitting on the steps for a half-hour, just to ensure that I didn't miss her should she try to sneak out early. I didn't think she would, though if she had, it certainly would have told me something.
Taking a deep breath, Dawn looked down at me and then descended the stairs. I stood back to give her room, though I stared at her with a mixed expression of worry and longing on my face. I'm sure there was a fair bit of exhaustion in there, too. I hadn't slept much at all.
Dawn took one look at my face and tensed up. But then she exhaled and without a word, turned and gave me a big hug.
Surprised, it took me a second to wrap my arms around her and pat her back. And then sniffling to hold back any tears, Dawn stood straight up and tilted her head up the sidewalk. "Let's go."
She didn't take my hand.
I fell into step alongside her. We were silent for a few seconds before she glanced over and asked, "How are you doing?"
I blinked. How was I doing? I replied, "You tell me."
She managed a weak smile and then sighed. "You're going to be fine, Ben. You're my friend. You'll always be my friend."
I sensed a quiet finality in her voice. "Just friends?" I asked hesitantly.
She took another deep breath before nodding. "Just friends. As friends, we can be eternal." Her tone made it sound like a prison life sentence. "It's the way YOU wanted it."
"What if I want more?" I asked weakly, already knowing the answer.
Dawn shook her head. "It's not only up to you. I'm not just a comfortable sweater you can pull out of the closet whenever you feel like it. I have to live my own life. I have to go my own way. That's just the way it's going to be."
I sighed and hung my head. Why is it that we always want the one thing we can't have? It wasn't like the situation had really changed; Dawn had been with Ryan for years. But in the back of my head, I'd always believed that their relationship would run its course and then we would be back to her and me, the way we'd dreamed since we were little kids. And now that Dawn was telling me she didn't share that vision of the future anymore, I found that I desperately didn't want to lose her.
Strange, right? I didn't even HAVE her for the past couple of years ... Or did I?
I realized that whether I "had" her or not, the opportunities had been there. All this time, if I'd really wanted to be with Dawn, I could have made it happen.
But I didn't. I'd dated her sister. I'd boinked my Tri-Delts. And even after all the intensity of that Swingers Party and Dawn and I coming sooo close to re- crossing the line between friendship and something more, I'd stepped back and let the sparks between us die out over Winter Break. And then I'd pursued Cadence upon our return to campus.
And even after Cadence broke up with me, who did I turn to? Paige. I'd seen something in Dawn's eyes the morning after, a hurt that belied her supposed concern for Bert and Robin's breakup. But I hadn't pursued her. I'd let Paige pull me into my bedroom and fuck my brains out.
I'd believed that I had all the time in the world to come back to Dawn, as if she would wait for me forever. The chances had been there for me to commit to Dawn, to show her that she was important to me, more than just as a best friend. But I hadn't taken them. Just like in High School, I'd let myself be swayed by my dick far too often.
I didn't deserve her.
Dawn deserved better than me. She deserved a better man, and whether I liked it or not, Ryan was that guy.
Dawn said it best: he was devoted to her. He was loyal. He was loving. He wasn't the cheating type. And most importantly, he committed. She deserved that. She deserved to be happy. And because I truly loved her, I would value her happiness over her being with me.
Option One it was.
"Okay, Dawn." I put on a smile and reached my hand out to her. She was hesitant, but eventually stretched her hand out and let me slip my fingers through hers. "Okay. I'll always be your friend. And I'm happy for you."
"Really?" she blinked.
"Really." I nodded and then exhaled slowly. "He's a better man than me. And you deserve him."
Dawn didn't reply verbally, she just pinched her lips for a moment and then nodded in agreement. And then she squeezed my hand and looked forward.
We walked the rest of the way to class in silence, lost in our own thoughts.
But at least she held my hand.
Paige and Adrienne were already at Dawn's and Ryan's apartment when we got back that evening. One look and they knew I'd chosen Option One. Adrienne actually looked a little angry about it. Paige, oddly enough, just seemed sad. I would have thought she might be happy that I was still free. But then maybe she understood that I wasn't really happy and because of it, I wasn't really as free as one might think.
It took almost all of my energy to keep up a positive front. I truly wanted Dawn to be happy and she wouldn't be able to do that if she knew how badly this was hurting me. I reminded myself that it was my own damned fault I hadn't gotten off my ass and taken control of my life, MADE something happen, the way Brooke and seemingly everyone else had warned me. Dawn deserved better than me, and she deserved to move on with someone who would treat her right.
Still, when Adrienne, Paige, and I finally went back to the house. I was dead tired and exhausted. Ignoring the girls' attempts to console me, I simply went into my bedroom and locked the door. And I didn't plan to come back out until I really, really HAD to.
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