章節 62: Nothing was better
For the first time in a long time I actually stuck to what I said I was going to do. This goal plan was discussed with Laverne who made sure I wasn't spending my free time on my phone or gazing at my uninteresting ceiling. I had nothing to go into a daze about because I had to focus on what I was doing and it worked. Press week was over since like 3 weeks ago but it felt like I hardly saw Lorel and Daniela outside of class. It's not like I'm phasing out their existence but it's kinda what is happening. I was actually focused especially these days since Aaron's been ran out of the school.
He wasn't coming back and decided to go back to his home country requested by his father. The school just had a cloud over it since he left. Everyone was always hesitant of one another but his impact clouded everything. What if their best friend is being paid to stick around? What if they are keeping tabs on your family? It's what stuck in everyone's mind since then.
The idea of the showcase was brought up again and I thought they weren't going to have that at this point. Well they do need good press to keep the school running and the best way is showing off the skills and talents of their students. I didn't think I really had any skills if we are talking about outside of my sport. Usually the showcase is contained in parents week which is a whole different thing leading up to the showcase. It mostly consisted of certain days showing off all the sports to the parents/ guardians. Most parents never flew in to see them which leads to a lot of resentment.
"What is with you?"
"Huh?" My airpod was ripped out of my ear by Daniela who just walked into the library. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I whisper yell as I glare up at her.
"I've been looking for you everywhere."
"Well I've always been here."
"You've been doing this for days now. Press week is over. You have no reason to be isolating yourself."
"I'm planning on graduating early."
"What are you talking about?"
"I. Am. Graduating. EARLY." I mouth the last word instead of saying it loudly. "So I'm studying. Kady said if I keep working like this I can graduate by next semester so I'm studying."
"Why would you wanna do that?"
"Because I can. I'm just gonna do it because I can. Might be nice, you know. A head start or something like that. My sister said it's a good idea so… That's what I'm doing." Daniela looked at me like I was crazy for a few seconds.
"So you're saying you're planning on leaving us."
"Huh, I'm graduating early, not dropping out or dying. You can see me if you choose to and I didn't even put this in stone yet. I'm just preparing for it." This didn't change a thing. I get why she would be angry. I wouldn't be around that much meaning I won't be around to depend on. I'm not even serious about this, I just want to get ahead.
"I came here cuz it feels like you don't even want to hang out with us anymore and you're distant and Macius complained about you blowing him off." Yeah I am doing that last one. "Before you would be quiet all the time and thought something was up with you but like it feels like something more." I do feel like I can't share how I feel with them because I don't want to hear it is in my head again. That would annoy me and make me doubt myself. "I always say I'm here all the time but I feel like that fell of deaf ears. You can confide in me any time I'm listening."
"Would you actually take me seriously though because I feel like I'm being brushed off."
"I'm listening, I told you that." You know it's easy to share my thoughts with Kady in her office but out loud to the source or someone else seems hard to do. "You're third wheeling and I don't like it."
"Is this because of our history? Lorel Told you if you can't handle it, don't push yourself."
"No you literally are and it's uncomfortable. It's not just you it's her too and I don't feel like you're third wheeling. I feel as if it's me and I hate it."
"What are you talking about? Lorel and Macius are just friends and have no history whatsoever, so what's your problem?"
"He wasn't interested in me, he wanted Lorel that night."
"Zayn this all sounds like insecurity."
"This is why I didn't want to bring this up." I sighed as I turned back to my Chem textbook.
"So what you're saying Anthony is what, third, forth, fifth wheeling?" She said sarcastically.
"Yes."
"Zayn, I don't want Macius, I have a boyfriend."
"You don't see what I see so just drop it." She stared at me for a good few seconds before she stormed out back into the hallway. I should have said nothing because she wouldn't understand. It might not make sense to her. I mean to me it seems plain but they might see it as mental gymnastics.
Daniela went on to mention what I said to Lorel who was equally as offended and she did come to me ranting about how stupid I was being but all I could do is shrug.
"Ok, If you were so uncomfortable, why didn't you bring that up?! We could have given you space." She slammed her hand down on the table as she glared at me.
"Because It's in my head or something like that."
"Yeah it is. I guess cuz this is all new you're insecure but it's not like I'm trying to get with Macius."
"I never even said that. I just said I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship and you're acting all defensive. I didn't even get to explain before the word insecure got thrown around."
"Because there is nothing to explain. You are being insecure. If he wanted one of us he wouldn't be with you."
"He is only with me because he likes being in relationships. If you don't want to hear about this then just drop it like I told Daniela. I'm just voicing my feelings and it's fine if you don't want to hear me out." I realized after having time to really let my feelings sink in, my responses all seemed much calmer than I expected. I wasn't even upset, it all just annoyed me when I realized I did have to talk about this. I just wanted them to leave me alone so I can finally go into practice.
"If Lorel was available back then he would pick her is all I'm saying." Anthony said as he showed up at the locker room. His goal really is to piss me off at any chance. He gives the same vibes Aubrey was doing. "Macius said you two really need to talk. Make yourself available after school right here. He has Lacrosse practice so he'll meet you before that.
I really found this all… annoying isn't a strong enough word, vexatious. Yeah I couldn't think of anything else. It's not like I put it all out of my mind. I just focused on something else to deal with it so I didn't really heal from it.
When you try focusing on other aspects you find out annoying things about what you tried to push out of your mind and you would hate to see that and that's exactly how I felt. I found Lorel misleading. I didn't know if it was purposeful or she subconsciously did it but it was practically her whole life. She never fully explained anything and let you create your own narrative about her or whatever she alluded to and that was annoying because it misled you into thinking something totally different.
Daniela didn't help her situation in any way and suffered in silence and you can't help anyone who doesn't speak up. She seemed to make things worse for herself by smiling about it all. I didn't like that. She seemed to get better with dealing with things and taking initiative but she regressed a while back.
Ugh, Macius. I feel like he has the same problem as Lorel; it only affects me. I feel like it's my own fault that I feel jealous about the way he communicates with others. Is it stupid I think he's too flirty? I feel like he does carry on conversations to woo people and it annoys me and it's kinda stupid I think that. Maybe he's not doing it unintentionally but it affects me. I want all the romantic attention and that might be selfish but I think I should be more selfish.
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