章節 23: Unlove a Person

Chapter 23

I could never imagine myself as an idle person. I hated being limited. I had to do something. Because if I stopped, I'd remember him. I knew to myself that my responsibilities had been taken from me now. That the best I could do was to heal and to be useful now that I am out of the military. But you could take the girl out of the military, but not the military out of the girl.

I've been having nightmares, of the peopleI'd failed to save. I saw their faces drenched in blood. I saw corpses upon corpses lying on the ground as I ran to save myself. I would see those haunting blue eyes in every direction I would face, cold and accusing me of only thinking of myself. The last scene would be of me being stabbed from behind by someone I know but I couldn't see. I'd wake up screaming after that.

It happened to me every night upon arriving at the shelter. My Mom was so scared the first night I screamed my heart out. She thought I was dying. Well, I thought I was dying. I started avoiding to sleep. I'd usually black out from exhaustion, but I'd still be awaken by me screaming my lungs out.

I was told I was having PTSD. The shrink that they assigned to me said I was traumatized by the things I saw and did before. She also stated that I had a fear of betrayal. But who would betray me? They gave me some sleeping pills. I would still have nightmares, but at least I wouldn't wake up screaming and scaring my mother.

Aside from the nightmares. My broken hand was not healing properly. I was in pain most of the time. And as a nurse, I knew that an infection was brewing inside it. It was just being controlled by the antibiotic I was taking. I was warned that if I were to push through with the operation I needed, they might have to improvise with the anesthetic they'd have to give me. They advised me to sit on the decision for a few more days. But a day later, pus started slipping through my open wound. I had to get the operation as soon as possible, if I wanted to keep my arm.

I looked at myself in the mirror a day before my operation. My hair was a mess full of knots. I couldn't comb it properly, and it looked like a rat's nest for days now. I looked like a zombie with the dark circles under my eyes. I needed to cut it short. My mom volunteered to give me a haircut. She cut it just above my shoulders using my father's old straight razor. She then started brushing it until I looked human again.

Xedjedy loved my hair long. He loved running his hands on its ends. He'd idly play with it at times that we were just lounging. There were times that he'd just inhale loudly on my head, he'd then sigh, "Your hair smells so nice." He'd proceed to mess up my hair. We'd end up joking around, ticking and tackling each other until one of us tapped out. It would either be his grandmother or my mom who'd scream at the top of their lungs to stop us from acting like kindergarteners. Those memories tasted bittersweet.

His smiling face haunted me. Our times together made me miss him even more. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to forget. I wanted him erased from my memories, so I wouldn't hurt. Because seeing him as a vampire broke me.

I absentmindedly took the straight razor and with my right hand I started chopping off my hair. I wanted to get rid of what he loved in me. What I saw in my reflection were memories of him burying his face on hair. I remembered him hugging me from behind as he would kiss the side of my head with closed eyes as if imprinting my scent in his memories. My tears started to well on my eyes. I couldn't hold back. I started sobbing. How could you unlove a person? How could you forget all the happiness he'd given you? I knew in my heart what my answer would be. I couldn't.