章節 18: Elizabeth
I don't want to get out of bed. This is so comfy, and I've missed just laying down and sleeping. It's given me time to think. Time to reevaluate my life and the way I've been treating myself lately.
The first thing I noticed is that I haven't showered in a week. After my soul searching, I walked into the bathroom and turned the water on to the hottest setting. The water burned my skin, or at least it felt like it did. But with every bead of water rolling off my skin, it felt as if my depression has been rolling off me as well.
I treated myself to some bread after the shower. Not the most interesting meal, I know. At least it tasted amazing and it made me feel a little more whole inside. I laid down in the nice, clean bed after that. I thought for a long time. The silence in the room seemed to engulf me, and it took all my strength to not become enamored with the thoughts I had before. I must have been sitting in this room for hours. I could hear in the background some noises downstairs, some conversations. But no yelling. Thank God.
I force myself off the bed. It feels like I'm dragging a hundred pounds of dead weight behind me. As I trudge down the stairs, I start to feel better. I start to feel more lively, and more awake, and more energetic. I reach the front door and open it, taking in the sunlight. It warms me. It fills me with happiness, and I'm so excited that I actually start laughing. I start laughing at how stupid I sound. I walk down the street for a while. Soon, I notice again the ugly purple streaks. Oh god.
"Hey, girlie." Jessica smiles at me. I force a smile back, not out of sadness but out of disgust. Now that I'm more aware, she looks a little trashy. Okay, maybe a lot more than a little. "You're feeling better. I can tell." She looks really happy though. For a moment, I genuinely smirk.
"Yeah," I respond. "Sorry about how you saw me last time. I was having a pretty fucked up day." I chuckle, and she laughs in return.
"Oh, it's fine!" Jessica grins. "I was kind of an asshole anyway, asking you about running off when I could tell you were really sad. I just didn't know how to comfort a stranger, I guess."
Oh, good lord. We're apologizing to each other and this is already awkward as it is. "So," I try to change the topic. "What's fun to do around here?" I hope this girl is more exciting than just wanting to leave, because this place does seem like it might be really fun.
"Follow me," she whispers, and I laugh at her seriousness following my question. I'm glad I've got a friend around here. Lord knows I needed one lately. She leads me down the street to a small house that looks unoccupied and unkempt. "It's abandoned," she says, answering my question. "Rich never got around to fixing it up, and so nobody's been in it. But I've wanted to break in for a while now. You in?"
At first I'm worried, thinking about the legalities of this. Breaking and entering? That's a crime. Then I remember, we're in the apocalypse. Nobody's going to arrest us. And besides, nobody lives there so it's not even breaking and entering. "Sure." I respond boldly, excited about this adventure with my new friend.
We enter the house, and the inside doesn't look any better than the outside. There's trash all over the floor. Vines are growing on the tattered wallpaper. If only I had a camera on me. This would make the perfect place to shoot photos. It's like a metaphor almost. Beautiful, but broken. It's the way I felt throughout my whole childhood. I almost feel a certain connection to this random, trashy house.
"It's so..." Jessica starts. "Beautiful." I finish for her. She smiles at me. I sit down on the faded tiles and take in my surroundings. Jessica sits beside me, and it's silent for a long time. I start to feel a shaky hand glide over my thigh. Slowly, fingers wrap around mine and I'm scared to look at the girl sitting next to me.
How do I tell her that I'm straight? I don't want to lose this friend I've made, but I don't want her to think that I'm a lesbian. "I, um... I don't feel that way. I'm sorry," I say as I slowly unwrap my fingers from hers. I can tell she's uncomfortable because she won't look into my eyes. "I gotta go." I force myself to get up, and I walk back outside and down the road, never turning back.
I feel like shit for what I just said to her. How was I supposed to let her down without hurting her feelings? She seemed so devastated, and even though I couldn't see her face fully, I could feel the sorrow in the aura surrounding us. I cannot remove any of these thoughts from my mind on the walk back to our temporary house.
The inside is empty. As much as I would love to see anyone's face right now, I'm a little relieved that I am alone again. I enjoy the silence. I plop down onto the couch in the living room, and lay my head back closing my eyes. The background noise of children laughing and feet scurrying drift me into my sleep.
The gunshot woke me.
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