章節 11: Chapter Two
Up unto this point Ivan had been able to remain dry eyed for the most part, but the question broke his heart in more ways than one.
"Baby..." He pulled Corbin close to his chest, his arms wrapped ever so securely around him. Ivan hugged him tightly, his own shoulders shaking at the weight of Corbin's fears and his past. The fact that Corbin didn't think, even after everything from the last few days, Ivan wouldn't stay, felt like a stab straight to his soul. But he wasn't upset with Corbin. They held each other as they released the stress of the past. Both distant and recent. When Ivan was able to speak again he held Corbin's face in his hands, ever so gently his fingertips catching tears along his cheeks. "Corbin, I love you. In the last three years have you doubted that?"
He shook his head. "I doubted you'd love me after you found out...I was scared...I am scared."
"I love you, Cory. Your past doesn't change that fact. Please, Corbin, believe me. I'm right here, baby, and I'm not going anywhere."
Corbin sniffled and nodded, wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. "Can we please go to bed? Can you hold me, Ivan?"
They stood, each moving slowly from emotional anguish and mental exhaustion. "Hey." Ivan pulled at Corbin's hand; the other man turned back to face him, his expression tired and long. Ivan tugged him forward and he came willingly to him. "I really do love you, Corbin."
Corbin nodded as his eyes welled up at the earnestness in his voice. "I love you too, Ivan. I really do. I'm sorry I get scared. It isn't you I doubt. Not really. I doubt me. That I'm good enough..."
Ivan smoothed a hand through his long hair, comforting. "Hush now, baby. Please don't be sorry. I'm not angry. I'm not upset with you. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me even what you did. I know it was difficult, to say the least. And I'm proud of you."
Corbin frowned and looked away. "Thank you." It was the barest of whispers. "I love you, Ivan. Thank you for loving me. You're the only one who ever really has..."
"Come on. Let's go to bed." They remained hand in hand and made their way into the bedroom.
As the week passed Ivan kept a close watch on his lover. He hadn't again made any mention of filling him in on more of his past and Ivan hadn't pressed. He'd taken the week off from work to be with Corbin but was now back at his desk. He couldn't concentrate on the task in front of him. Mountains of paperwork he'd put off to focus on Corbin sat untouched. He sighed and picked up the phone.
"Sammy. It's me. Can we go somewhere and talk? I...really need to talk to you."
Sam heard the tone of Ivan's voice and knew it was serious. He didn't waste time. "Come over to the house. I'm at home. Door's open. Corbin alright?"
"He's as well as he can be. It's me that's falling apart, Sam."
"I'm here, Ivan. Come on over."
Ivan hung up the phone, gathered his things, and left his office not bothering to lock it behind him.
When he got to Sam's he didn't exit his car immediately. He held on to the wheel with a death grip forcing himself to take large, deep breaths.
He found Sam sitting on the couch, the television off, and soft ambient music playing in the background. The man was tall, even sitting down, at an astounding six foot five. His blond hair and green eyes were a stunning contrast against naturally tan skin.
"Hey, man. You look like shit," Sam said with a small frown.
"Yeah, well, I feel like it, believe me." Ivan sat next to Sam on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows braced against his knees. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"So what's going on?" Sam's voice was soft and full of worry.
"Is Lynn here? Kids?" He didn't want either the kids or his wife to witness him in such a state of emotional turmoil.
"No. She and the kids are out for the day. They won't be back until dinner time at least." He took a drink of his beer as he watched Ivan.
"Alright, good." He sighed again and closed his eyes. "Corbin told me some of his past the other day. A few particulars. He wanted to. And...I mean...I knew what his father was. You know? I knew that he ran an underground child sex slave ring...but it's different when it's the person you love telling you the things he told me. How his father used to rape him. Rent him. He actually fucking told me that his father, while raping him, mind you, wasn't violent...as if raping your Goddamn six-year-old isn't fucking violent. And the whole time he was telling me the things his father did to him..." Ivan looked away and wiped his eyes feeling the raging unrest. "All I could think was that I let him get to him. That I failed him because Goddamn it that mother fucker fucking raped him again. I s-saw him...I'd have shot him right then but Devon was right there and I didn't want to chance hitting her. I can't get that image from my head. There was no fight in him, Sam. Just laying there fucking taking it...and I can't get the look in his eyes out of my head. And I can't talk to him about this because, fuck, he's lived with this his whole life and I...I have to be strong for him." He wiped his eyes again. "But Goddamn it, Sammy, I feel like my heart is being ripped out," he closed his eyes against the falling emotion, "and he hasn't even told me that much."
Sam was quiet for a moment before leaning forward, draping an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Ivan, you did everything you possibly could. You have to know that. And man, you can't blame yourself for things that happened before you knew each other."
"I don't blame myself for that. Not...not really. But for the other day? I should have followed them."
"Ivan they knew what your car looks like. You couldn't have followed." Sam squeezed his shoulder.
"Then why do I feel so responsible? Why do I feel like I've failed him, Sammy? Why do I feel like when I look in his eyes that I could have somefuckinghow saved him this time?"
Sam sighed lightly as he looked at his friend. "Because you love him. But you can't...Ivan, he needs to get this all out. If he thinks telling you is going to hurt you, he's going to clam up again."
Ivan nodded as he looked at his folded hands. "I know."
"I love you, Ivan. You know you can always fall apart here if you need to."
"I know. What do I do for him?" Ivan looked at Sam with desperation in his eyes.
"What you've always done. Just love him. Hold him when he needs to be held. Comfort him when he's upset. Don't push too hard too fast, but know when to push him at the same time." Sam watched as his friend took a deep breath, held it, slowly let it go. "Do you remember when we first met Corbin?"
Ivan scoffed. "How could I forget?"
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