章節 28: CHAPTER 28: A LITTLE TALK
I sit there silently, in the middle of Music Department's main hall, surrounded by pieces of wood, plastics, metals, irons, papers, my brain and my heart as I occasionally steal glances over at Allen who is sitting by the door, waiting for me to finish whatever job I claim to be doing and come with him to dinner.
I was stalling. I am still stalling when Listy calls everybody and tells them to go home since it's pretty late. I reluctantly gather my own belongings, wishing that somebody would come and ask me to go with them do whatever the hell it is that could get me out of this dinner with Allen that will be, I am 100% sure, agonizing.
I sigh as I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk briskly over to the door. I was thinking of just going past him and pretended he wasn't there. But he manages to stop me.
By calling my name.
"Levi," He calls softly.
That's all it takes.
I stop. Already passing him slightly. My whole body went stiff. I can hear him approaching. He stops right behind me. So close I can even feel his breath behind my head.
"You said you weren't avoiding me," he states softly so only he and I can hear it. There are still people around.
"I wasn't," I lie, of course.
"Levi," I shudder when he calls me like that. He breathed my name so softly.
"Not here, Allen," I grit my teeth and dig my nails into my palms as I'm trying so hard not to shiver when he lightly touches my arm. He drops his own and I can feel him nodding.
"Understood," He finally says but then he takes my hand into his which of course, sends electricity from the tip of my fingers to the rest of my body.
I don't really have the strength to yank it away. My strength is always gone the moment he first called my name. My heart is aching so bad I can't help but to overdramatically imagine someone stabs it with a butter knife over and over. I know, drama queen here.
But I've missed it.
This hand that is holding me so tightly yet gently.
This warmth that fills every corner of my soul.
I don't want to let go.
That is all I can think about as we keep on walking and finally reach our dorm building and head straight to the café on the third floor.
Thankfully, the café's already pretty empty. There are only me, Allen and two couples on the far corner of the outdoor dining place.
We order our food and sit there quietly across from each other. We sit awkwardly, shifting in our seats uncomfortably. I watch him carefully. Dreading of what's to come. I see him slightly take a deep breath and open his mouth. I immediately step in.
"Listen, Allen," I start abruptly, startling him. "About that night," He winces. What the hell was that for? I frown but continue anyway, calming myself down. I was nervous, now I'm a little pissed. "We were drunk..."
"You weren't," Allen cut me off softly.
I frown again. Is he blaming me, now?
"We, I, made a mistake," I finally admit after calming my roaring anger. Stressing the 'I', I stare, well, glaring at him. "I'm sorry if what I did hurt you," I say softer this time because I actually mean it.
Now he looks surprised. What the hell is wrong with this guy? His eyes got so big I'm afraid they will pop out.
I hold up my hand to prevent him from speaking. I'm not done.
"I made a mistake. We're old enough already to be able to admit it and to make sure that it won't happen again," Again, I'm stressing the 'I'.
"Is that what you want?" Allen asks suddenly just before I can continue my speech.
I blink at him.
"What?"
I'm part not hearing him well enough and part confused, hence the stupid reaction (and probably the stupid face I make right now).
"Is that what you want?" he asks again, staring at me with a face I can't read. "To forget everything and just move on? Go back to being the way we were?" he asks each question so slowly it actually makes me desperate to tell him everything else that is true.
I hear him loud and clear. Those are the questions I dread.
"It is," I lie, again, no shock there, huh?
I'm not entirely lying, though. The more decent part of myself do want to just forget and get everything back to normal. That part of me is perhaps able to be just friends with him.
The other part, the one that's head over heels for him? He's now screaming. So annoyingly screaming in my head about how much I love him. How much I want to stay beside him. How much I actually treasure what happened that night. And how much I'm craving those touches again right now.
"I've ruined too many things between us, Allen..." I finally sigh, defeated. And tired.
"You weren't the only one, Levi," Allen says, reminding me that he also took part that night. Drunk or not, he did sleep with me.
"But I'm the one who kissed you first," It's my time to remind him.
Allen opens his mouth but says nothing, he knows it's true. I know it too. I was the one who shamelessly kissed him first. And it's not that important whether he kissed me back or not. The point is, I started this.
The silence linger even until the waiter brought us our food. I stare at Allen who stares at me. I'm trying to read what's in his mind right now. He probably, most likely, is doing the same thing.
"We made a mistake," I repeat for God knows how many times now. "Even if we were drunk, or tipsy, or whatever, we shouldn't have done that. You have a girlfriend and you love her. Always have, always will. You were just confused and I was too, okay?" I deliberately put words in his mouth. I take his silence as agreement.
I sigh as I take my utensils and start eating.
I hope that he'll bite it and agree with what I said. That he was just confused. That I was just confused and we were drinking and just got swayed by the moment. I hope that he'll agree and just forget the whole thing. for the sake of joy and their relationship.
I want to cry so bad right now.
I've become a liar. I lie to everyone, even to myself.
I am not fine. I am nowhere near being okay.
But I can act it. I have to.
Even if it hurts. Even if it kills me.
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