章節 11: chapter ten
"dad," i called out for him, his head tilted slightly, his eyes meeting directly mine, "can i come in?" he nodded, before diverting his attention back to the documents scattered on his table.
i took a seat on one of the chairs next to his table, my heart suddenly beating fast. "what do you need to tell me?" he asked, not sparing me a glance at all.
i then started to have second thoughts if whether i should continue or not. maybe i should just go, this might turn out wrong. "make it fast, hanbyeol. i have a lot of paperworks to do, say it now or leave."
i gulped, licking my dry lips before speaking. "why do you hate me so much?" his eyes met mine, "i-i just don't get why you hate me so much, did i do something wrong? if i did, i'm sorry for that. is it because i don't do well in school that much like my brothers? is it because i'm not the kind of child you wanted? please tell me, any reason will do." i pursed my lips shut after all the rambles i had said, feeling some tears building up at the edges of my eyes.
"why are you suddenly asking me those questions? if you have nothing better to say, go back to your room." his eyes were fixated on the papers on his hands, not daring to look at me.
"you hated me ever since i was kid, instead of receiving love like how other kids did, all you showed me was hatred. any reason or excuse will do, just please answer my question. if you hate me then just tell me, if you regretted having me then tell me." tears had finally flown out of my eyes, my lips trembling as i spoke to him.
he placed the papers down, removing his glasses and looking back at me with an unreadable expression on his face. "i've been a bad parent, aren't i? all i did was hurt you and i never even once said sorry. sometimes, even i wonder why you and your brothers still stays here when me and your mom never made the effort to become parents to the three of you." a chuckle escaped his lips.
i wanted to yell at him but why couldn't i find the courage to do it? is it because even after everything he's done, i still see him as my dad?
i looked down at my hands that were shaking from the anxiety that i was feeling. tears silently fell onto my lap as i bit onto my lips. once i looked back up to him, he had his hands on his face, crying. my dad was crying, it was the first time i saw him breakdown in front ot me.
"i-i'm sorry, hanbyeol." he wiped his tears with the sleeves of his shirt, sniffling before looking at me with eyes full of guilt. "i know words are not enough for you to believe me and i understand. i'm just really fucked up you know, your dad is a fucked up man that doesn't deserve the three of you." a small smile displayed on his lips.
"then why? why did you have to do all those? if you knew that it was wrong, why did you continue to do it?" my voice risened, my hands clenching into a fist as i wiped the tears from my cheeks.
"because i hated you." i stared at him with widened eyes, my knees beginning to feel weak the longer i stare at him, "i hated that you suddenly came in into this family, how you had another man's blood running in you." he closed his eyes, muttering a sorry afterwards.
another man's blood?
is that why he hated me so much? because i wasn't his daughter in the first place? i was the fruit of my mom's selfishness and lust.
all this time, he actually had the right to hate me. i ruined their family, i came in disturbing their family of four. i didn't deserve being in this house at all, i was
"hanbyeol, this isn't your fault. it's my fault, i was to insensitive and inconsiderate, i didn't even think of what you would feel." he stopped, standing up from his chair and heading towards me. he sat on the chair opposite to mine, his hands on my shoulders. "you were also a kid who needed parents yet we couldn't give you that, i'm sorry." his voice softened at the sight of me breaking.
"you're not my dad?" i met his eyes, "they're not my brothers at all. why didn't you tell me? i spent the past years of my life not knowing the exact reason why you always seemed to favor them only." tears kept on flowing from my eyes, my heart thumping faster then ever and my nails digging into the palms of my hands.
"no, i am your dad and they're your brothers, we're your family. no one told you because you didn't need to know that, it was all in the past and your mother wanted it to be forgotten." he tried convincing me, his hands held mine into his, looking straight into my eyes.
what am i supposed to say now? what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to react? i just found out that i was the daughter of my mom with someone she slept with.
"i should go back to my room, to think about things and everything. goodnight, dad." i took my hands away from him, flinching when he tried to place his hand on my shoulder. i flashed him a guilty smile before heading back to my room.
"hanbyeol, why are you crying? did he hurt you again? what did he do?" hyunjun and seojun rushed to me, worry and concern written all over their faces.
"no, he didn't." i answered before walking away, pretending to not hear the constant shouts of my two brothers, my half-brothers.
as soon as i got into my room, i buried my face into one of my pillows. tears kept on flowing, my hands clutched tightly on the pillow i was holding.
not even a minute passed, a cold hand brushed over mine, gently pulling it away from the pillow and holding it. i turned to see jimin sitting next to me, a worried smile on his face. his thumb was caressing my hand, helping me to calm down a little.
he didn't speak, he kept quiet while holding my hand in his. i guess sometimes, the best comfort is just silence. jimin met my eyes, his other hand reaching to the back of my head and pulling me towards him.
i had my head on his chest, my arms wrapping around him as i continued to cry. "it's okay, cry all you want. i'll just be here, byeol." his soft voice managed to somehow calm my nerves down.
"i'm a mistake, jimin. dad had all the rights to hate me, after everything, he still kept me in and never told me i was not his. he doesn't hate me that much, he just didn't like the fact that i didn't come from him." a dried chuckle escape my lips. i pulled away, pulling up my sleeves to wipe my tears away when jimin suddenly used his thumb to wipe it instead.
"you're not a mistake, no child was born as a mistake. hanbyeol, look at me, you're one of the most precious people i know. even if you're just a result of a one night stand or something, doesn't mean you don't deserve love from a parent." his hands cupped my cheeks, the warmth of his touch calming me.
"what do i do now?" i asked him.
"you decide, whatever decision you make, i'll support you. this will all be over soon, just trust yourself and you'll be fine. wake up from this mess and you'll find yourself smiling again." he smiled, his thumb gently caressing my cheek.
wake up and i'll be smiling again?
"i want to rest, i want to sleep and forget about all of this. even for just a few hours, i want to get out of here and just forget about everything." i told him, my voice coming out as a whisper.
"don't say that, you'll sleep so that you can rest and live for the next day, you won't sleep just to escape the world that's waiting for you." jimin suddenly turned serious, taking one of his hand and placing i over my cold one.
"be honest with me, when are you leaving?" i asked him, his eyes suddenly sad and his lips frowning again. "if you're just staying here because you feel a sense of responsibility to stay with me then please go, i don't want to hold you back when you could possibly have more fun on the other side." i said.
"i'll leave whenever you're ready and that moment is near so let's just try not to talk about it, yeah? you're my priority right now, no matter what happens, i'll just be here." he smiled, leaning in to plant a swift kiss on my forehead which made me look at him in surprise. "don't look at me like that, you're making me feel guilty when all i did was do what male leads are doing in kdramas." he frowned, a small pout rested on his lips.
"let's rest for the day, are you going out?" he shook his head no and went to walk over to the couch. "goodnight, jimin."
"goodnight, byeol."
"wake up, sleepyhead. something is waiting for you downstairs." i opened my eyes only to see seojun, "get up and take a shower." he instructed before heading out of my room.
i turned to look at jimin and found him still fast asleep while hugging one of my stuff toys. i smiled at the sight of him, he looked so innocent.
as soon as i got downstairs, piles of gifts were on the couch. dad and my brothers were standing next to it, eyes all fixated onto the gifts that were all piled up.
"is it someone's birthday?" i asked, they all smiled at the sight of me. even dad. as soon as i met his eyes, i turned away as i found it awkward to see him smiling at me.
"dad decided to be a good parent and buy you gifts since he didn't bought you a proper one for all of your birthdays. i guess this old man isn't that bad at all." hyunjun let out a chuckle, receiving a glare from the old man.
dad hurried me to come closer, "i hope it's not too late to buy you presents. check them out, here look at this one." dad took one of the paperbags and shoved it into my arms, hurrying me into opening it.
clothes from a branded store were in it, a pink dress and a yellow shirt. i don't like pink though and i was never fond of dresses. i turned to look at dad who was waiting for my reaction.
"i like it." i smiled.
he seemed to read my expression, "you don't like it, don't you? i just thought it would look good on you and your brothers told me you don't have that much dresses. there's more gifts, i just wish you would like atleast one of them." my dad pointed at the other gifts. he was trying so hard to earn my trust but why couldn't i seem to find it in myself to smile at him?
am i a bad person if i say that i don't feel any gratitude towards my dad even he spent so much money on these gifts?
"thank you, you didn't have to do this though." i told dad. for the first time in the past years of my life, he actually gave in the effort in doing this for me, for someone like me.
"no, this is not even enough for everything you've gone through. just let me do this things for you more, even if you don't like it, just let me." my dad smiled, a guilty yet a happy one at the same time.
"let's go out and eat outside." hyunjun suggested in which we all agreed to. i excused myself and headed back to my bedroom to change into some clothes.
"are you heading somewhere?" jimin asked, his hair in a mess while he rubbed his eyes like a kid, "can i come with you?" he stretched his arms before looking at me with a smile.
i nodded, "of course you can if you want to, let me just change into some clothes."
today might actually turn out to be one of the best days in my life.
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