章節 17: Chapter 17: Corruption
Dear Diary
Hypnagogia.
It's what Mary put on my chart after I woke up from the mantra Doctor Palmer had given her in my patient information form.
Hypnagogia, something I am now familiar with as I researched it to death after I got home two days ago, is a type of hallucinated disorder.
Because my body is craving sleep and I am depriving it of it, my body will go into hallucinations as I fall into a type of slumber. To make matters worse, the hallucinations are exactly what I dream about when I do get a small amount of sleep. The way Mary explained it, that is why I am so afraid to sleep. I can't tell what is real and what isn't anymore.
With some proper medication, and more rest than I am comfortable with, it is something that will go away on its own. Only problem is, I don't know if I want it to. Mary taught me some breathing techniques that will help to aid me when I have the episodes, but I am still unsure if they will work. Inhaling on the counts of three and doing the same on an exhale, seems like a waste of time to me.
I have conquered the act off not screaming in my sleep and worrying everyone in the house but what I haven't conquered is seeing the demon every time I sleep. He still haunts my dreams, still transforms them into nightmares and because of that, I would rather take my chance against him being awake than asleep where I would be trapped.
After waking me, I told Mary about my lack of sleep, that much was obvious as I was staring at the demon behind her shoulder and screaming out Brian's name for help, but I didn't tell her about the fact that I see him everywhere I go.
She prescribed me sleeping pills, something I figured she or Doctor Palmer eventually would, and I promised her I would take them.
Yet, as I sit here writing in my diary, sitting at my desk at the end of another dreadful day of faking it at school and at home, I wonder for a brief moment if I should. I don't want to surrender to him, don't want to face him in the darkness that he creates in my mind, but will I eventually have to?
Will he never leave me alone?
- - - - -
"My mom wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow night for your birthday." I look over at Brian as he and I make our way out of the school campus and over to the student parking lot.
Today, like each day these last two weeks, has been hard. I haven't confided my fear of the pills to anyone. Not even Brian and as much as I want to. I know they won't understand. I have also been thinking a lot about what happened with Amy and Steven. I never asked, and I overheard dad and mom talking after I left the hospital about a trial and jail time, but I ran up the stairs before I could hear more.
"Jolie?"
"Huh?" I hear Brian chuckle at my apparent distraction. God, have I missed that sound.
"I said, my mom wants to know if you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night. She wants to celebrate your birthday."
"Oh, um-" I don't want to, and I think Brian knows that, but one look at his puppy dog face and I can tell his hope is outweighing every other emotion streaming from him. "Yes, tell her I would love to."
"Good, great. I've kind of got something special for you too."
We reach his car and he, as usual, let's me in first, then comes around and hops in. Brian fires up his car and we head out.
I look in my purse at the sound of my phone alerting me to a new text message and see Mona's name appear. She isn't coming over after school like her and Brian normally do because she had to get straight to work.
Mona: Hey girl, sorry I couldn't hang out with you two tonight, but I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow.
Me: Don't worry Mona. Work should come first, this is a great opportunity for you. Brian asked me if I wanted to go to his parents' house for dinner tomorrow night.
Mona: What did you tell him?
Me: Yes.
Mona: Do you not want to?
Me: Not sure. It's not like his father makes me feel welcome and I don't want his mother talking about prom night.
This time it takes Mona a few minutes to write back and when she does I simply stare at the phone, stuck in my own thoughts.
Mona: You can't be half way in this world Jo. Trust me, it's not worth it. If you feel even a small bit of uncertainty, then go with your gut. This is your life, and your time to figure everything out, but you can't live worrying about other people's feelings and thoughts.
"Babe." I look over to Brian whom has just pulled up to my house. I hadn't noticed the drive at all. I give him a small smile, place my phone in my back pocket and get out of the car. Brian meets me on the other side of the car and we make our way inside.
"No one home?" I walk inside, throwing my bookbag on the couch and heading straight to the kitchen for some much-needed water. With my lack of sleep, I've been getting migraines each day and they are beginning to become unbearable. I hold onto the hope that hydration will dull it a little.
After downing half the bottle in one gulp, I turn around and take Brian in. He is wearing his basketball shorts today and a large sweater. His hair is unruly and messy and chaotic, and his two-day old scuff is more apparent today than I've ever seen it before. He takes his backpack off his shoulder and places it gently on the couch next to mine.
"Chrissy is at her friend Sandy's house, dad had to pull a double shift because he drove to Montana, and mom had a large order come in from a local junior high school. They are doing a parade and need all the flower arrangements she has."
Brian nods his head and walks towards me. He seems suddenly awkward and I have a feeling we are both sensing the same thing right now. We have never been alone like this before. I know for a fact Chrissy won't be home tonight because Sandy's mother thought it would be good for her to hang out all weekend, and mom and dad won't be home until early tomorrow morning.
"You want to watch a movie or something?" I nod my head and lead the way into the living room. I hate how Brian doesn't exactly know what to do with me. I can tell he still wants to hold me, kiss me, but because of the demon, he's worried about my reaction.
"What do you want to watch?" Brian asks flipping through the channels with his left hand while his right sits patiently in his pocket.
"How long do you plan on staying?" Brian looks over at me a little hurt and I want to slap myself of how rude that sounded to ask. I didn't mean the way that came out, but I wanted to know if he wants to spend the night or not. "I meant, did you want to watch more than one movie or-" Why is this so hard?
"Jo, I want to be here, for as long as you want me here. I'll stay the night and sleep on the couch, I just want to be near you." I sit on the couch next to him, take his hand in mine and close my eyes. I can feel the demon closing in, so I immediately open them back up.
"Brian, I want to be with you, all the time if I could. I love you, I just-. I need time, and I don't know if I should make you wait for me."
"Jolie."
"No, please, let me finish. I love you, and I know you love me. But don't do anything you think you have to do. Don't do anything out of duty or guilt. I wouldn't be able to take it if you did. I want you to be happy, and if that means leaving me, then so be it."
"Jolie, you're not damaged goods. You're my girlfriend. I hate what happened to you, but it doesn't define you, and it certainly doesn't define my feelings for you. I would wait forever for you Jolie Isabel, even if that means I never get to have you."
I lean in, not knowing what will come of me closing my eyes and kiss his lips. Brian hesitates at first but as I hover my lips over his, he eventually cooperates and begins giving me what I want, what I need. When we come up for air, a smile graces Brian's handsome face and I genuinely match it.
We settle on a documentary on the basketball stars of the eighties'. Half way through the movie, I begin drifting off, stopping and shooting up when I hear the distinct sound of Brian snoring. I look over to him and giggle when he breathes in extra hard and lets out a loud snore.
I lay my head on his chest, pull his arm onto my lap and drape my arm over his body. I turn my gaze back to the television, but not really watching it. The whole time I think about the kiss I had with him and how for that entire moment, I didn't see the darkness. I didn't feel the demon. All I felt, all I cared about, was Brian.
And for once, he was all I needed.
- - - - -
"So, are you going over there tonight?" I place my blouse on over my head, swoop my arms through the sleeves then place the phone off speaker and place it back up to my ear.
"Yes, I don't know if I'm exactly excited about it, but I promised Brian I would go, and I genuinely want to try."
"You shouldn't feel obligation on your birthday Jolie." I look down at my outfit, fine with my choice of black leggings and a white off the shoulder blouse. I leave my bathroom and head into the bedroom to put my black ankle boots on.
"I don't feel obligated. I really do want to try."
"Well, if you need a good distraction, or even an escape out of the house of perfect, then just call me. I have the car this weekend since dad and his new girlfriend are staying at her house." I can hear the sarcasm in her voice at the mention of her dad's new girlfriend Ronnie. She has told me about her but each time they have apparently met, her father makes her out to be some criminal living in his home.
"Still not the biggest fan of Miss Ronnie huh?" I finish buckling my boots and lay back on my bed. I have a few minutes before Brian picks me up and I don't want to necessarily go down stairs to sit uncomfortably with my parents.
"Ugh, no. I mean she seems nice, always waving hello and asking me how work is going, but dad is always a complete prick in front of her to me. He will act like I bother him when she is around, asking me if I have plans this weekend or am going to work anytime soon. It's obvious he doesn't want me around."
"I'm sorry Mona."
"Don't worry about me. Anyway, I got a hold of a girl looking for a roommate on campus for the fall semester. Her old roommate just moved out, declaring that she needed to go find herself, so I was thinking about doing it."
"Wow, that's great Mona. Are you sure you will be able to afford it?" I close my eyes for a brief moment as Mona tells me about how her mother is going to help her pay for her rent. Mona's plans are to transfer to a different hospital to work at while going to school out in Idaho. She knows it will be hard but it's too great of an opportunity to miss.
I blink a few times trying to focus on staying awake. I had another terrible nightmare last night and disappointment hit me hard when I woke up to still being in Brian's arms. He was my rock, the one I could count on to keep the demon away when his presence was around. Knowing the demon still found me in my nightmares while I was surrounded by Brian's love, has me lost for words.
"Jolie?" an echo goes off somewhere causing me to jump up from my bed and that's when I see the demon standing near my bedroom door. It's partially open and his smiling face stares right at me while crossing his arms and leaning against the frame.
His large body leans away from the frame and begins its decent into my bedroom. I push my feet up further into my bed and sit up. My hand clutches the phone even tighter as I hear my name being echoed from the receiver.
"You look so good on your bed waiting for me." My eyes widen with shock as he speaks to me. This is the first time he has even spoken, and his words sound nothing like the darkened monstrous face I have given him. No. He sounds exactly like Steven did that night.
I close my eyes and begin crying. Why can't I escape this? I remember waking up in the hospital and having the same feeling of hopelessness. Suddenly Doctor Palmer's voice comes into my mind over and over again. Her voice is quiet and distant, so I can't make out what she is saying but whatever it is, she repeats it again and again. The demon reaches my bed and lowers himself on top of me. I let go of the phone and start screaming. My parents were home so if they hear me screaming they will come in and stop him.
"Jolie! Listen to me." I stop screaming when I hear Doctor Palmer's voice become clear. She is no longer quiet but screaming in my ear. "Non ferire gli altri con cio che ti addolora."
My eyes snap open to mom and Chrissy standing over me in my bed. Chrissy has tears in her eyes as her light brown eyes stare into mine, and mom looks worried as she clutches her phone tightly in her hand. I look around for the demon but come up to a demonless room.
"Jolie?"
"Mom, what happened? That one was different." She nods her head at me and I blink back a few tears. I couldn't tell if I were dreaming or not. Before, when my mind would take me into the darkness, I was aware that I was being trapped by my own thoughts, but this time it was different. This time, I thought for sure Steven had found me.
"Mija, I couldn't bring you back. The mantra that Doctor Palmer gave us didn't work. I didn't know what to do." She looks down at the phone and puts it up to her ear. She tell me that Mona had called her cell when she realized I was no longer listening to her on the phone.
"Where is dad?"
"Outside talking to one of our neighbors. He didn't hear don't worry." Chrissy explains to me. I stare into her innocent eyes then quickly look away. I hate that she has to see me this way. I tried so hard to give her the big sister she had before all of this happened but judging by her tear stained cheeks, I'm failing miserably.
"Mija, we should get you to Mary. Maybe the pills your taking aren't working. Maybe they are making things worse?" Mom says hanging the phone up with Mona.
I shake my head not wanting to get into the fact that I never took the pills. I didn't want anyone noticing that I wasn't taking them, so every morning I would flush one pill down the toilet. If mom makes the appointment with Mary or Doctor Palmer I know I won't be able to lie to them about not taking the pills. Between my promise to always be honest with Mary and my respect for Doctor Palmer, I'm petrified they would see right through me.
"No, mom I'm fine really. I just-. I just want to go to dinner with Brian and he should be here any minute so let's not mention what happened to him okay. I promise after everything is said and done this weekend I'll make an appointment with Mary." It takes her a few moments, but mom eventually nods her head in my direction, grabs Chrissy's hand and walks out my door.
I take a minute then head to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face.
What the hell was all that about?
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