章節 16: Chapter 16
Laynie
The drive back to the house is a comfortable silence. Our hands are still held tight which is a little difficult for me to drive in but I don't dare say anything. Not only because I don't want to upset Jared, but it just feels way too good. Everything he said to his father was what I have always wanted to hear. Granted I never knew the reason we moved out here was so he could work for his father, but everything he said to him was perfect. I turn to Jared once I park the car outside our home. The sun is starting to set and the cool temperature is setting in.
"What made you change your mind about working with your father?" I admit, I was a little peeved about finding out the reason for the sudden move to New York. Jared made it seem like he got a great business opportunity for his own company. He worked hard so I wanted to support him. I didn't realize that this great opportunity was just his father handing down the company to him.
"I'm not sure actually." he says rubbing the back of his head. We have both been gone over an hour and haven't taken our pain meds since this morning. I think we are both feeling it right now. "I guess I realized how I must have to uprooted our lives to please him, and I don't want to live my life like that."
He pauses and looks to be in deep thought. I wait for him to continue, when he turns toward me. He moves closer, slowly, maybe a little too slowly, and kisses my lips. His lips start moving and I almost pause with nerves. I shouldn't be allowing this. He has hurt me so much, but my body and heart are craving him. I'm tired of fighting this. We sit there and kiss for I don't know how long, finding our rhythm with each other. Suddenly there is a knock at my window. I scream into Jared's mouth and put my head down. I had forgotten we were parked at our house.
"Hey now. Either start taking some clothes off or come inside and tell us what happened." Alan jokes.
Now I am about seven shades of red. Jared flips him off and Alan walks back in the house laughing.
"Ignore him." He says shaking his head with a smile.
I look at him and laugh.
"What are you laughing at?" He asks in a joking tone. "You shouldn't be laughing at your man while he just finished kissing you. That's a low blow to my self-esteem."
I am full on laughing now. This is the Jared I miss, but I am still afraid of him. Just because he has been perfect these last few days does not mean I forgive him. With that thought I frown and we both exit the car and walk hand in hand inside. Anna is making some dinner and Alan walks over to us with a grimace on his face, our pill bottles, and two waters in hand.
"Tried to remind her that the last time she attempted cooking, that lodge in the mountains we were renting nearly blew up, but she insisted, saying you would be too tired."
We each give each other a look. Anna is not what you will call a good cook. The thing is, she could actually cook if her attention span wasn't all over the place. Anna never could concentrate. She will have her mind dead set on a recipe, then suddenly want to add something to it or change it up. We once had baked eggplant. Sounds wonderful? It was coated with Jordan almonds.
"I heard that dickwad." Anna shouts coming in from the kitchen with gravy mix in one hand and some mayonnaise in the other. I stare at the two ingredients in her hands wondering what she could be possibly making.
"Just stating the obvious Annabelle." Alan taunts. She hates being called by her real name.
Jared leads me to the living room where we each take our pills and a gulp of water. When he stands up to put our pills back in the bedroom I glance over at Alan.
"So, what happened?" he asks not bothering to wait for Jared to come back.
"I'll let Jared tell you." I don't want to air his business without him here. Plus, my mind is still reeling from the news about his father. And what the hell was Candice doing there. There is something going on with her. I'm just not sure what.
"I seem to work for my father. Guess that's the reason I moved us out here. When we went to his office he told me he had handed the company down to me." Jared explains later on, when we are all sitting around the dining room table eating pizza. Let's just say Anna's ravioli didn't come out right. Yes, ravioli was what she was making after all. I don't get it either.
Anna and Alan listen in interest while Jared and I tell them everything that went down this afternoon.
"Well at least we know the reason why you moved. Maybe you just got busy and stressed out with owning your own business that you closed yourself off from us a bit." Alan says sadly. That's the first time I heard him speak of Jared not being around for him. I'm glad he is getting it off of his chest.
After dinner, Alan announces he and Anna are heading back to the hotel. Me and Jared share a look both wondering why neither one of them have gotten their own room yet.
"Hey man, we were thinking of maybe just doing some sightseeing tomorrow. Why don't we all catch up the day after that. I'm sure you two can use some time together anyways." Alan says putting his coat on. I shoot him a grateful look. Me and Jared have yet to really talk.
"Yeah man, that would great. Thanks." Jared replies.
The room gets silent and silence being the one thing Alan cannot have, he makes a joke.
"Besides, you two can continue your car sex you were attempting before I interrupted."
Before Jared can slap him in the back of the head, Alan takes Anna's hand and they both run out laughing.
Jared goes to lock the door and comes back to the living room with me and sits. I sit with him but not too close. I may need some space if this conversation heads south.
"So, where should we start?" he asks. What a loaded question. I think it over for a brief moment and take a deep breath.
"The punishments." I say with an extremely shaky voice. I know starting at this level isn't exactly healthy, but it's where it's going to lead anyways. I always wanted to know why he started hurting me. I know he doesn't remember, but maybe he can shine some light on this.
"First off Laynie." He says with a hard sigh. "Please, don't call them that. You should never have been hurt, especially by my hands, but when you call them punishments, your allowing them to be justified. They aren't. I hurt you because I'm a coward. That's the only reason people should ever have, in order to justify hurting the people they love. Anger, fear, I'm not sure what mine was to be honest. Maybe Alan was right. Maybe I was stressed with the company or something. When did it start?"
"The first day we moved in." I answer without giving him a moment of hesitation. My tears are coming and for once I don't want to stop them. I want him to see them so he can see what he has done to me. I know he doesn't remember, and in a way, I feel like I'm blaming an innocent man, but I'm the only one in the world that knows what truly went down between us and it's time for me to share.
"Jared, even if it were the stress of work, would it make it alright? You had just started working when it all began." I tell him.
I see him put his hands in his hair and start rubbing. He always did that when he was frustrated. I grab his hands in a firm grip, my heart pounding, and I take them from his hair. I then force his chin up, like all the times he did me, and force him to look at me. I don't want to continue like this, but we have to get this out. This could be a vicious cycle of me forgiving him too easily. If we plan on trying to save our marriage after this, then he needs to be as broken as I am. We must start over together.
"Jared, I'm not saying this to hurt you, please don't think I am, but we agreed to talk. We may not get another chance." I say sadly. It's true. Jared can remember at any time and this would all be for nothing.
"Your right babe, it's just hard for me. I would kill anyone for even touching you harshly. You don't want to know what I think of myself right now. This still feels like a bad dream." He says depressingly.
I let go of his chin and settle my hand on my lap. He is right, this can't be easy for him. It's understandable. I couldn't imagine feeling the way he does. One day waking up, only to find you have not only lost your memory, but in a way, your soul. Jared is going to have a hard time wondering who the hell he is.
"Jared, the first day we moved in, I was carrying a box. I fell and you came in, yelled at me, called me unruly names, then pushed me against a wall." I start. He needs to know in detail what he did if he is going to understand where my fear comes from.
I was so frightened, I had no idea why you suddenly changed so drastically. I spent the entire day afraid of you, coming up with excuses for you, I hated you and I hated myself for staying. I hated myself for staying every time after." When I finish speaking, Jared is staring straight ahead. He looks like I did after every time he put his hand on me, he looks broken. It's destroying my heart to see him like this, but he needs to see the truth. His heart needs to shatter like mine did. Even if he never gets his memory back, I cannot count on him to never return to that kind of man. I can't put my heart into that. Not again.
"Tell me about a specific time." He asks, sobs trembling his body. I almost don't answer his request, but if we plan on moving forward together he needs closure. I think in a way, I do to.
"One day you came home from work. You were really upset about something, I had no idea why, but you were really angry." This was one of worst times he ever hurt me. Not physically but emotionally. "By then I had decided to grant your wish of not having to work, but just taking care of the house." I hear him groan and put his hands in his face while his elbows are on his knees. This is killing him, I know it is. This is the Jared I used to know. I feel like I'm punishing the wrong person, but I have to keep going.
"I decided to keep quiet and leave you to sulk. I knew from past experiences that speaking would only make matters worse. I had made a very special dinner planned that night. When it was ready, I was nervous about going into your office and letting you know, so I cleaned. I cleaned for about an hour. When you finally came out, you walked to the table, starting eating, and spit the food out. You told me that if you wanted to be served cold, disgusting shit for dinner, you would just go to my restaurant I never opened. You took the two plates and smashed them on the wall, told me to clean them up and then left the house. I cried, cleaned and headed to bed. Around two in the morning I heard you stumble in. You had been drinking. I went to go help you into bed when I smelled perfume on you. I also saw lipstick on your collar. I don't wear lipstick Jared. My heart shattered. Not once in all the time we were together, even during the bad times, would I ever think that you would cheat on me. I cried, I cried so bad I threw up. You helped me to the toilet where you proceed to tell me nothing happened but I just didn't believe you. We eventually both passed out on the bathroom floor, me near the toilet, you near the shower. The next day you woke up and went right into work like nothing happened. You never even apologized. Everything was back to normal. Well at least the normal that we allowed in our lives."
I take a much needed breathe and see Jared do the same. When he eventually looks to me, I see agony in his eyes. Doesn't make me less afraid of him though.
"What did you make for dinner that night Lane?"
I knew he would ask this. I don't want to hurt him further but he asked for a reason. He needs to know why.
"Lasagna." I answer, I see him close his eyes and look back towards the hallway. I knew that would kill him.
"It was our wedding anniversary Jared. I knew we weren't in a great place, but I didn't want that day to go by without her. I knew she would want to be a part of it.
"I miss her Laynie. I know she would be so ashamed of who I became. I became someone she despises, someone she feared. I became my father." He says while shakings in sobs.
I nod my head in agreement. He is right. His mother would be so ashamed. Jared's mother was a remarkable woman. I met her when me and Jared started dating in high school. My mother was never there, but Maggie was. She shared with me her love, her courage, and her recipes. Maggie was a wonderful cook and since Jared was her only child and wasn't interested in learning, she passed everything she knew, down to me. Never has anyone ever trusted me with something so special. The next day I went to my guidance counselor at school, and told them I wanted to be a chef. They were able to change around my electives and set me on the right path. When I graduated with my culinary arts certificate I went down to her grave and thanked her.
One day, after her passing, I was helping Jared clean out the house. I found her old box of recipes. There was a note attached with my name on it. She was giving me all her famous recipes. Told me I was like a daughter she never had. That's why when Jared told me that he wouldn't eat my lasagna that I made, it broke me. I felt like I let his mother down. That was, after all, Jared's favorite recipe from her.
"I never really knew your father Jared, not really. From what you told me about him he was not a very good man. He was emotional abusive to you and your mother. Although you went a step further than him, I don't believe you are a bad man. Your anger was something I never witnessed until we moved here, and even though I hated you at the time, I knew you were really just hurting. That's where anger comes from after all." I say truthfully. I don't hate Jared. I just hate the pain and agony he allowed in our lives.
He looks at me like he is contemplating something serious. I'm almost afraid to ask.
"Laynie, I need you to do me a favor. If I ever get my memory back and I turn into someone else, I need you to call the police. This is a strange request I know, but if I really am capable of hurting you the way I have, then I need you to stop me. By any means necessary." He requests.
I look at him in a new fashion. I am worried that he may get his memory back and lose the memories of these last few days. Even though I don't think that's technically possible, it still scares me. He still scares me. I love Jared and I want to try for him, but I don't know how to get past everything he has put me through.
"Okay Jared. I think I can do that." I say almost truthfully. I am not really sure at this point if I can turn him in. I just can't stand to see him in pain.
Jared smiles at me which I return, and leans in slowly to kiss me. I close my eyes anticipating the soft feeling of his lips against mine when he suddenly stops. I open my eyes and give him a pleading look. Jared sighs loudly and leans back against the sofa. Away from me. I put my head down a little embarrassed by my sudden lust for him. I feel fingers on my chin and smile silently because I know Jared hates it when I do that. I can't always help it though, it has become second nature.
"Laynie I would love more than anything to kiss you, I just don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of you. This conversation isn't exactly a happy topic, so I don't want you to have mixed emotions." He says.
He is being so perfect right now. I understand what he is saying and as much as I hate it, he is right. We need to create a relationship all over again. Maybe not start over per se, but at least create an addition to our previous one. I think in a way, we both deserve that. We spend the whole night talking, laughing, crying and sleeping off the pain meds. The next day is filled with the same. It felt great to get a lot off my chest and although that caused him pain, he assured me that this was all a part of healing and moving forward. We decided to try and redo our anniversary. He brought me pink roses, I made lasagna, and I finally got my kiss.
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