章節 40: Are You Ready for Some Quidditch?
Deadpool swayed his hands on the camp stop of the Quidditch World Cup of the Year 1994 as some drunken Irishman started to sing that ditty.
'Is it racist to call Irishmen drunk?' one of the voices asked.
'Is it sexist to call Irishmen, Irishmen?' one of the voices in Deadpool's head asked.
'Of course, we're always sexy,' one of the Deadpool voices commented in an extremely sultry tone of voice.
Deadpool just smiled. He had been here for some Quidditch action. Ah, Quidditch, the sport that would be fun to watch, amazing to play at least once. But, writing descriptions of the action can be a bit of a bitch.
'Hey, leave the breaking the fourth wall to me, pal,' Deadpool thought.
The Quidditch final was going to be Bulgaria who had a wish-washy team, but who cared, because they had Quidditch prodigy Viktor Krum on the team as the Seeker. And they had gotten into the finals despite having inept Chasers, because Krum always caught the Snitch before they were beaten.
Then the Irish team, they had bang up Chasers who were a well oiled machine. Their seeker, whoever their seeker was, a bit clumsy.
"I can't wait to meet up with so many interesting people at the Quidditch World Cup," Deadpool narrated to himself. "Why there's Harry Potter, actually making a cameo in his own story.! And there's Cedric Diggory, healthy and in the prime of his life. And he doesn't sparkle, which is always a plus. And then there's Luna Lovegood...she's simply Luna. And there's….oh no.
"What's up, D-Money? How's it hanging, big pimpin'?"
The one and only Ron Weasley, better known as Ron-izzle, for his hoes, turned up, dressed in mismatched clothes which made Deadpool almost blind by looking at them.
"So, you're back for more, are you?"
"Dawg, I can't wait," Ron-izzle said. "Where's my dogs out, where they are that?"
"In the pound?" Wade asked.
"Just like I pound the bitches, just like Krum will get the snitches," Ron-izzle said. "And Krum is going to punk that shit straight. Krum's got this in the bag dawg, and he's going to win the Cup. It's going to be whacked, you dig?"
"With a shovel," Wade said.
Ron-izzle held his hand up in the air and turned out to see his twin brothers, Fred and George showing up from the curtains.
"Ron, don't be running off like that!" George exclaimed.
"Yeah, bro, you don't need another head injury," Fred said.
"We want to keep that noodle straight," George said.
Fred motioned for Wade to get up.
"Really sorry about him," Fred said. "Mum said none of us couldn't come unless Ron was allowed to come."
"Man, I got this, I got this, no need to player hate," Ron-izzle said. "Don't player hate, resperate...you know what I'm saying?"
'Resperate, is that even a word?' Deadpool asked.
'It's a product that lowers high blood pressure,' a posh voice said.
'In other words, the opposite of what Ron does,' the voice in Deadpool's head said.
The Ministry of Magic officials stumbled in to deal with the untamed wizards. On the bright side, some of their attire made Ron one of the least outlandishly dressed person at the cup. Wade almost felt bad for the Ministry stooges, almost, but not quite.
'Do we even have tickets to the cup?' Deadpool asked.
'Does Dumbledore pay us enough to afford tickets to watch Quidditch?'
'Does Dumbledore pay us anything?'
'The minimum amount required by Ministry law,' the posh Deadpool voice thought.
Fair enough. Wade Wilson saw a lot of familiar faces all over the world. He was on the eye out for secret HYDRA agents who integrated within the wizards. Because, you never knew when those people pop up. One cuts off a head and two more grow in their place.
Wade's eye spied a very motley crew coming towards the top box. Lucius Malfoy, having reclaimed his pimp cane, and looking like a proud peacock. Draco Malfoy, looking pompous as always, with a sneer on his face. Mostly directed towards the nearest Weasley. And Narcissa Malfoy, a smoking hot MILF, although who had an upturned nose as she walked in.
Honestly, Wade could see why. Because, the Malfoys had with them, Wade's least favorite flavor of fudge, Cornelius. Wade moved over.
"Hey everyone!" Wade yelled. "I'm here...are you ready for some Quidditch?"
"Oh, it's you," Lucius commented.
"Hey, don't it's you me, Lucy my boy," Wade said. "I was the one that got your pimp cane back and I gave your wife a pearl necklace."
It was at this point the Weasley Twins passed by and started to snicker. They gave each other a high five before flashing Wade the double thumbs up.
"And I saved the world from the plague of the singing goblins," Wade said. "I am…."
"Making us quite late," Lucius said. "Cornelius, this is Filch's errand boy...I doubt very much he can afford a ticket…"
"He's not going to be a problem, is he Lucius?" Fudge asked. "I can call for the Aurors and get him evicted."
"Yes, that would be wise," Lucius said.
"Draco, you can vouch for me, can't you?" Wade asked. "You know I won't be any trouble."
"That menace made me clean a toilet with my bare hands!" Draco yelled.
"But, I thought we were bonding!" Wade yelled.
'Apparently not,' Deadpool thought.
"Get him out of here!" Fudge snapped.
Fudge appeared to conjure two puffed up Ministry gorillas out of nowhere. They hoisted Wade up by the arms and marched him through the crowd.
"Wait, if you're working for the Ministry, why aren't you using magic?" Wade asked.
"Oh, a wise guy, eh?" one of the Ministry stooges asked.
They hurled Wade out back into the campsite where he landed straight into a puddle of mud. Then one of the Ministry assholes kicked mud directly in his face. And stomped on his wrist, to scratch Deadpool's special collective Golden Girls watch.
The same one he got back from the goblins after it had been stolen for months.
"I can overlook Fudge going out in public in that hat, with that hair cut," Wade said. "I can overlook him throwing me out of an event that I didn't have tickets for. But, you don't fuck with Bea Arthur!"
Wade gave a war cry, only to slip on the mud. The gates closed and left him stranded in the campsite.
"Okay, now I'm upset."
"Psst, kid!"
Wade cranked his neck around. He wondered who else could rub the salt into the wound that was already just rapping and awful by this point.
"What?" Wade asked.
"Over here!"
A pair of goblins, dressed in pinstripe suits with old fashioned hats, appeared at Deadpool's feet. Given the last time Deadpool had to deal with goblins, he was on his guard.
"Looking to get in the Quidditch Cup, kid?" one of the goblins asked.
"Well, I would like to get in there, but the tickets are out of this world expensive," Wade said. "Unless you know someone."
"Alright, listen here," the goblin said. "My name's Vito, and this is Guido."
"How you doing?" one of the goblins asked.
Vito and Guido, obviously the names of two goblins which Wade felt at ease with thrusting. No way whatsoever that these goblins would put the screws to him. Unlike Captain Driphook and his friendly crew, who had been taken down.
"So, you do us a little favor, kid, and we'll do you a solid and get you prime tickets to the Quidditch Cup," Vito said. "How about it, you do a little something for us, and we do something for you? Capice?"
Wade just pretended to just nod in response. He really wondered what those goblins had in store.
"What kind of favor do you want me to do?" Wade asked. "Because, if it involves killing someone, then...the price just might be right. And you do realize that I was the one who killed Captain Slipdick and his good friends, wasn't it?"
"Gringotts goblins?" Vito asked. "Man kid, I like you already."
"Nothing more than a bunch of Sfigato," Guido piped in. "But, you do is a solid and we'll get you these prime tickets to the cup. Right in the top box."
"High as you can go," Vito said. "Well, without some mid-altering stuff."
"In fact, let's just give the kid the ticket,' Guido said. "He took down those Gringotts goblins. Those
Figlio di puttana, deserved everything that they got."
"Wait, so you're going to give me the tickets for taking out a bunch of Gringotts goblins?"
"Kid, we're going to give you the ticket, if you deliver a message to Ludo Bagman," Vito said. "Tell him that the next time we see him, he's going for a nice little swim."
"Are you going to take him to the beach and everything?" Deadpool asked.
The goblins laughed and passed off the ticket to Deadpool. Who whistled very merrily and made his way to the front gates.
"Everyone get out of my way!" Deadpool yelled. "I've got a ticket for the top box. And I only had to kill a bunch of goblins to get it!"
X-X-X
The Quidditch Cup was a great one, spectacular, one for the ages. And one where you really had to be there to see it. Naturally, Wade spent most of the time pestering Fudge and Lucius. The game was over before he could be properly thrown out on his ass yet again.
Bagman did not seem too happy about Wade's message about goblin gangsters wanting him to take to the beach for some reason.
"Man, that Krum," Wade said. "He managed to catch the Snitch before his team could actually get their ass in gear. Guess, he should have been a bit better to get that Snitch sooner."
Some of the Krum fans jeered Wade. Their hero had to fight against the hardest, roughest, most frustrating odds.
The Ireland supporters on the other hand, prepared to get rip roaring drunk.
X-X-X
The Quidditch World Cup proved to be an ideal time for Lord Voldemort in his new form, co-opting the body of his daughter from the future, to plan his revenge. Unfortunately, Harry Potter remained out of his grasp, being surrounded by a group of skilled witches and wizards.
And Voldemort thought just striking the Boy-Who-Lived in the woods would not be revenge fitting of someone of his stature. Best to plan outlandish scheme which would lead to a climatic confrontation with Harry Potter at the end of the school year. That was the ticket.
The sounds of drunken celebration faded away to panic. They were screaming. Voldemort had been taken off guard to hearing cries of terror which he had not been the cause of. Much more than he had been taken off guard by the entire peeing sitting down thing.
Granted, Voldemort had not had the need to use the loo for the past twelve years, due to not having a body, but it was the principle of the matter.
Suddenly, an army of Death Eaters appeared in the woods, torturing a group of Muggles. This sight caused Voldemort's blood to boil in anger.
No, not the Muggle torture part. He approved of that. The fact the Death Eaters, who denounced him under the claims of an Imperius Curse ,decided to dressed up as Death Eaters and attack some Muggles. Drunk, unrefined, and sloppy. Levitating Muggles up the air ceased to be an amusing form of torture.
The vomit was disgusting for one thing.
Voldemort approached the Death Eaters, ready to give them what for. When suddenly, one of them grabbed Voldemort's new body by the shoulder.
"Looks to be a little Mudblood decided to go for a stroll tonight," one of them said with a leer.
"I'm not a Mudblood, you idiot!"
Voldemort recognized that drunken noxious breath as MacNair's. He had all of the game of a mountain troll. With the Hygiene to match. Of course, he made Crabbe and Goyle look like Lucius. And speaking of those three, they were among the drunken idiots, the people who claimed the Imperius Curse.
"You are fools," Voldemort said. "You denounced Lord Voldemort and claimed you are under the Imperius Curse…."
"You should not speak the Dark Lord's name," the silky voice of Lucius Malfoy stated.
Voldemort adjusted the skirt. How witches walked in these things, he would never know. After spending a number of weeks leaving as a teenage girl, Voldemort had a number of other reasons why men were the superior gender.
"Time for you to learn a lesson, little girl," Avery said. "Don't worry, we're real men and we'll take good care of you."
"I don't see any real men there," Voldemort said. "I see pathetic little cowards who can't commit to a cause. The minute things get tough, they flee."
A blast of dark energy nearly hit Voldemort in the cheek. The disguised Dark Lord turned around and was about ready to smite the person who dared fire a spell at her. They would not dare attack Voldemort if they had only new.
"Get away from m'lady, you swine!"
The situation, as Voldemort saw it, grew even more idiotic. An individual, dressed all in white, appeared in the trees. He wielded a shield and a blade, dressed in a white cape. A white helmet covered his face.
"You better learn how to treat a lady properly, you misogynists!" mysterious man in white said. "And I will teach you how to properly treat a lady right. I bet you didn't even get her consent to hold thy shoulder, you pieces of garbage!"
"What the devil are you?" Lucius asked.
"I be the White Knight, the protector of all of the fair maidens in the land," The White Knight said. "I will defend these fragile flowers from the overwhelming oppression of the Patriarchy, and show just how special and beautiful all women are."
"You are a fool if you think all women are beautiful," Lucius said. "Never met Dolores Umbridge for one thing."
The Death Eaters all cackled and started exchanging high fives. The White Knight adjusted his stance the tree and jumped down, almost waffling Voldemort in the face with a shield and causing the disguised Dark Lord to stagger and fall ass over tea kettle.
"Let me help you to your feet," the White Knight said.
The White Knight pulled the downed girl to her feet.
"Get your hand off of me!" Voldemort howled. "All of you….I will kill all of you."
"Well, someone is a bit cranky," one of the nameless faceless Death Eaters said.
Voldemort howled and tried to tear the person's mask off.
"Hold tight, flower," White Knight said. "You must not debase yourself to their level. A strong and independent woman stands by and watches her protector as he defends her honor. And I am here to defend m'ladies honor against these refuges of toxic masculinity."
"What did he say?" Crabbe asked.
"I think he called your mother fat," Goyle said.
"What?" Crabbe asked.
"I would never call another woman...that vile word," The White Knight said. "Women should be of all sizes, and no matter how...abundant a woman is...we should encourage them and reinforce the fact that they are all beautiful."
"Even if the weight is unhealthy and could cause health problems for them in the future?" one of the Death Eaters asked.
"YOU KNOW NOTHING!" The White Knight yelled.
"I vote we kill this guy," one of the faceless Death Eaters said.
"You know that I only speak for…."
Several spells knocked the White Knight onto the ground. The Death Eaters closed in, preparing for the White Knight to get turned into the Red Knight. The Death Eaters chortled and had forgotten about Voldemort.
Suddenly, Deadpool appeared in a flash of light and the Death Eaters turned their attention to him.
"You know, we should kill him as well," Lucius said. "Just to be sure…."
"Well, you could kill me," Deadpool said. "But, is that what you really want to do?"
"Yes," Lucius replied blandly.
The fight to the finish, Deadpool against a gang of Death Eaters was fixing to take place.
Several red lights rained down on the Death Eaters who disappeared. One of them hit Deadpool in the back of the head and caused him to crumple down on the ground.
The Death Eaters disappeared and the Ministry Aurors arrived. Voldemort stepped back from the tree to survey the situation. The White Knight disappeared into the shadows.
Voldemort's disloyal followers disappeared into the night. They would all pay. Every single last one of them. She would butcher them all.
And then, there that deputy caretaker. The one who was responsible for Voldemort not getting the Philosopher's Stone. Who hit the Dark Lord in the face several times when he was on the back of Quirrel's head. Vengeance would be hers.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?"
And Voldemort turned to his least favorite flavor of fudge, Cornelius, walking around the corner. The Ministry Wizards looked at Voldemort, who as far as they were concerned, had been a scared teenage girl, who had been victimized by the pathetic wastes who somehow managed to talk their way out of Azkaban.
A very wicked idea came in Voldemort's mind. This could be the perfect opportunity to get close to Dumbledore and Harry Potter and gain her...his ultimate revenge.
Too much time in a woman's body, and you started identifying as one.
"Minister, you saved the day!" Voldemort squealed.
It hurt his soul to act like a teenage girl. But anything for revenge. And Fudge's ego being appeased played into Voldemort's evil master plan.
Fiendish delight spread though Voldemort's body.
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