章節 6: Dumbledore's Dark Secret.
The past few weeks of his job as the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation went about as well as you could be expected for Deadpool. Not getting fired after a month or him losing his interest in performing his duties, proved not be an encouraging start. Deadpool tried his best to steer people past the third floor whenever possible. There had been a not so surprising group of students who were trying to get to the forbidden corridor to take a look.
'I would like to say a school really isn't the smartest hiding place in the world…nice try.'
The mysterious magical step which caused Deadpool's leg to be engulfed at least three times in his first step almost claimed him again. Deadpool jumped the step, stuck the landing, and stuck out his tongue at the magical step when going past it.
'Whoever designed this school makes some very curious architectural decisions.'
The Mercenary stopped at the corridor and saw Albus Dumbledore sweep through the corridors, moving quickly through a secret passageway, with a mysterious object wrapped in gold foil in his hand. Deadpool frowned, it had been very curious to see Dumbledore heading down the corridor with a mysterious object of mystery. In fact, this was the third time that he saw Dumbledore heading down the hallway in the dead of the night like he was hiding something.
'You know, Albus, you're making it very hard to not think you might be up to something,' Deadpool thought.
He always disappeared into the same passageway. The wall sealed behind Dumbledore to leave Deadpool on the other side without any way to get through there. The loud pounding on the wall did not give Deadpool any sign.
'There must have been some secret Headmaster power for Dumbledore to open up a passage inside the wall, which no one else couldn't?'
Deadpool wondered if it had to do with that mysterious girl, Sally-Anne Perks who disappeared sometime after being sorted into one of the four Hogwarts Houses. The staff claimed that her mother decided to bring her home when hearing about a third-floor corridor which lead students to a strange and mysterious death. Mrs. Perks sounded like one of those parents who got upset when one of those children were put in danger.
He was not buying it for a second. Something very nefarious happened to the mysteriously missing Sally-Anne Perks and Deadpool figured whatever Dumbledore was doing could very well have something to do with her strange disappearance.
'You better not have gone back in a pinkie swear.'
Deadpool thought where there was a will, there was a way, and he needed to be certain what was going on. The Mercenary turned his head off to one side and then proceeded to peer his way up the steps. He wondered if there was an alternate route up there.
'Only one way to find out.'
The Mercenary ascended the steps and walked for about twenty minutes until he had been stopped by a loud boisterous voice.
"Halt, you vile rogue! Who dares trespass on these sacred lands?"
Deadpool turned his attention around to a knight who was standing aside of a fat pony who looked to be prime material for the glue factory.
'Thanks a lot, narrator, now we pissed off PETA,' Deadpool thought.
"I dare. It is I, Sir Wade Wilson, and it's a good night to meet a fellow knight."
"You don't look like any knight I've ever seen," the knight in the portrait. "I think you are working for a rival kingdom. You will be after the king's treasure on the third-floor corridor."
Deadpool took one look at the knight in the portrait. He looked like an overblown cartoon character.
"I'm not after anything, I don't want to pass that guardian," Deadpool said. "I'm just looking to see where Dumbledore goes with an object covered in gold foil."
"You shall not pass!" the knight in the portrait bellowed. "For, you shall not get past me without a fight. And we will fight to the last breath, you dark knight!"
"Hey, I'm Deadpool, not Batman," Wade said. "Oh, and good night."
Deadpool threw a tapestry over the painting of the knight who gave an anguished scream in response. The sound of a knight thumping around in the painting echoed around. Deadpool held his ear out.
"Truly, you have been bested in battle," Deadpool said.
"You treacherous snake!" the knight bellowed. "You have used black magic to besmirch me. You will not get away with this! You will not!"
The portrait of the knight continued to sputter with Deadpool making his way further into the school. The long and winding staircase got Deadpool closer towards the top of the steps. He could smell something at the top of the steps. A beaded curtain almost slapped him in the face. The smoke coming up the steps caused Deadpool to get lighter than air the further he climbed up.
"Oh, this must be the North Tower."
The Divination Teacher pretty much ran this particular wing of the castle. Most of the staff considered her as a joke, from what Deadpool could hear through the grapevine. They talked about Trelawney behind her back, although if she really was a seer, she would be well aware of what everything was saying about her.
The smoke got thick, and Deadpool could see the beaded curtain come open. The Hogwarts Divination Teacher stepped out, with her thick glasses and wild hair looking at Deadpool. She wore weird robes, made of multiple colors.
"Doom is coming!" Trelawney yelled.
"You know, there's a lot going on around here," Deadpool said. "Victor's pretty popular."
"It is coming, you will perish in a horrific way," Trelawney said. "You must turn back before it is too late. The end is here, and you will not be happy with the results. You must leave, you must leave before it's too late."
"Well, that seems…you've been smoking, haven't you?" Deadpool asked.
"I have been merely burning herbs to heighten by connection my inner eye," Trelawney whispered.
"Right, that's what they all say," Deadpool said. "So, I'll keep going….see what I can get into. Don't worry, I'll make sure to see whether or not doom is coming. Enjoy getting high."
Deadpool left the woman, this crazy woman, to return back to what he was doing. He would have to find Albus Dumbledore and figure out what he was doing.
X-X-X
If at first, you don't succeed, well try and see if you can succeed a second time. A sane person would have given up after a couple of attempts. Unfortunately, for Wade, he was not a sane person. He kept stalking the halls while performing his duties as the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
So for, nothing, Dumbledore had not even been seen on that evening. Deadpool was getting frustrated. Perhaps, he was just running into walls.
Actually, Deadpool just randomly ran into a wall which appeared out of nowhere. The Mercenary fell down onto the ground.
'Actually, I'm pretty sure the architects of this castle were real dicks sometimes.'
Deadpool drew in a very deep breath and decided to keep looking. He came across a ginger-haired fifth-year student wearing firmly pressed robes and having an obsessively shined Prefect badge pinned to his person. He made sure everyone saw the prefect badge.
'I believe that's another one of those Weasleys,' Deadpool thought.
There had been so many of these Weasleys who attended Hogwarts, and so many more who attended over the years, that Deadpool had a hard time keeping track. He was pretty sure at this point there were more Weasleys than there were X-Men at this place.
"What are you doing?" Deadpool asked.
"Oh, Mr. Wilson," the prefect said to him. "I'm on patrol. You know, I'm a prefect."
"Yes," Deadpool said. "Yes, you are. I heard you mention that a couple of times and you have the don't just give anyone that badge, do they?"
Prefect Weasley shook his head in response. "No, sir."
"I'm actually glad you're here, my good man," Deadpool said. "As a prefect, you are duty bound to help the staff of Hogwarts, are you not?"
"Yes, sir," the Prefect said.
"And as the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation, I'm a Hogwarts staff member. Therefore, you are duty bound to help me in any way you can. I think we can both agree about that, can't we?"
"Yes, sir," the Prefect said with a smile. "I'll help you if you want my help…what do you want me to do?"
Deadpool held out a bag and put into the Prefect's hand. It contained dirty laundry. An overwhelming stench almost knocked the Prefect Weasley over.
"I'm giving you a very important task," Deadpool said. "One, that I won't trust with just anyone, Mr. Prefect. Do you think that you can handle it? Do you think you can rise to the occasion? Do you think you can wash my dirty laundry?"
"I…you want me to do your laundry?" the prefect asked. "I would certainly say that the house elves would do a much better job."
"Are you trying to say that there is someone who is better at doing this job than you?" Deadpool asked. "Prefect, I thought that you were made of tougher stuff than this. I thought you were made of sterner stuff than this. I thought there was more to you than met the eye. Am I mistaken about you?"
"No sir, you're not mistaken," he said.
He puffed out his chest with a smile on his face. Being a prefect put an entire load of responsibility on his shoulders to maintain law and order in Hogwarts, and also to help the staff. If he could help the Assistant Caretaker with his laundry, then that was the burden he would have to bare.
"Then what are you waiting for?" Deadpool asked. "I expected those tighty whiteys to be both tightly and whitey by the time you are done. Remember, Prefect Weasley, I'm counting on you. You don't want to let down a member of the Hogwarts staff, do you?"
"No, sir!"
The Prefect looked ready to serve and defend the honor of the school. He would do the laundry and would do it with pride. He moved off, head held up in the air, with a smile on his face. The smile of the young man was even more impressive when he walked off into the distance.
"And that's a good little boot licker," Deadpool said. "And now where was I?"
Deadpool put his hand underneath his chin and thought about it before he remembered what he was doing. He was going to find out where Dumbledore had gone all of those nights. And if it was something nefarious, then Deadpool would call him out on it. He was only the most powerful wizard in Britain until Harry Potter hit puberty. What's the worst that could happen?
One Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation met one normal caretaker who came around the corner with Mrs. Norris. Filch stood up straight and held his hand in the air. He stopped short.
"Get out of my way," Filch said. "There are some trouble makers after hours, wanting to head to the Trophy Room to make a mess. And to think, I cleaned that room for hours on end."
"Well, if you didn't leave that room unlocked all of the time and everyone knew it was unlocked, then maybe you didn't need to spend three hours a day cleaning it," Deadpool said. "I'm just saying."
The Dread Sanitation Pirate just gave an "argh" when motioning for his deputy to step to one side. Deadpool wondered who would be at the Trophy Room after towers. He ran into people in the Astronomy Tower and in the broom closet, way too many times in the broom closet. They were trying to take advantage of the fact that Hogwarts did not have a math program by keeping on top of their multiplication tables.
"Get out of here and go clean something or do something," Filch said. "I can't wait to throw those troublemaking brats in detention. Especially, Potter, he deserves it after all of the trouble his father and his marauding friends caused me. And Weasley, I have had it up to my ears with Weasleys. Molly Weasley should learn how to keep her bloody legs shut and quit popping them out."
Deadpool blinked for a second at the bluntness
"No, not going to say anything," Deadpool said. "So, who snitched?"
"Does it really matter?" Filch asked. "If you ask me…."
"Well, guess what, I'm not going to stop you," Deadpool said. "I have my own important people to bust tonight. That's right, Albus Dumbledore has a secret room he's going to, and I'm going to find a way inside even if it kills me."
"Well, don't let me stop you then," Filch said.
He really wondered what Dumbledore was thinking hiring this lunatic to be his deputy caretaker. Granted, he cut Filch's workload down by some which were good. He caused a lot of trouble, more trouble than Peeves did, and his war with Peeves continued.
"EVERYONE, CAPTAIN DREAD PIRATE FILCH COMING THROUGH!"
Filch could have sworn. He heard the scrambling of footsteps out from the trophy room and by the time he reached the room, they had been gone.
"Damn you, I could have gotten them," Filch said. "Come on, Mrs. Norris, we might be able to catch them if….."
"A-HOY CAPTAIN!"
Everyone's favorite Poltergeist blasted through the trophy room like a sonic blur and knocked several of the trophies over to the floor. Filch dove down onto the ground to prevent the trophy from breaking into a thousand pieces once again. He took a deep breath as Peeves grabbed a bucket of something green and goopy. He hurled it towards the trophies.
Filch took a bucket of slime to the face to protect himself from hours of cleaning. He dripped from head to toe, slipping and sliding and cursing as Peeves kept chucking erasers at Filch's head.
Deadpool watched the carnage unfold with amusement.
'Somehow, I knew introducing him to Nickelodeon was a mistake.'
X-X-X
Night three, and Deadpool kept searching for something. He heard from Nick, who heard from the Fat Lady, that the rogue Gryffindors made their way to the tower in plenty of time thanks to the inadvertent team up of Peeves and Deadpool.
'You know, I'm surprised she's called the Fat Lady,' Deadpool thought. 'In this progressive world we live in, she would get renamed the Body Positivity Lady.'
'That doesn't nearly roll off the tongue as smoothly,' the voice in Deadpool's head chimed in.
'Maybe,' Deadpool thought to himself.
The hunt for Albus Dumbledore continued and his mysterious secret. A man who could get less obsessed than Deadpool might have given up a long time ago. Deadpool was not a quitter, he was a doer. No matter how many times he got knocked down, he would drag himself back up and fight the good fight.
The only problem was Deadpool did not know what good fight he was fighting.
Two hours of searching later and Deadpool looked over his shoulder before looking back. He noticed once more, Dumbledore walking down the hallway. The mysterious object wrapped in gold foil set on his hand.
Deadpool ran across the hallway. The mysterious opening in the wall would not close open. He timed it just right and passed through the wall in a blink of an eye. The Mercenary dropped to his knees and looked around in a very dark room.
He was getting some bad vibes with this. Maybe some bodies kept in a basement freezer underneath the meat some guy cooks his family for dinner kind of vibe. Those kinds of vibes which were not very good.
Deadpool stepped down the darkened pathway. He wondered if something happened to cause him to get trapped in the walls of the Hogwarts.
'Well, if that happened, I'm stuck.'
The sound of chamber music came from the down the hallway. Dumbledore enjoyed this type of music according to the back of his Chocolate Frog card. And Deadpool never knew a trading card to lie to him. So, he must have been getting close.
A doorway opened to a room covered completely in lilac carpeting. Deadpool looked up in the room and the horrific scene which visited him caused him to gasp. He could not take his eyes off of the paneling on the wall. The hideous look of the wall made Deadpool gasp several times. He almost started to hyperventilate.
"When's the last time this room has been dusted?"
Deadpool looked around even more. It was utterly absurd. He did not think Albus Dumbledore would be the type of person. Just when you think you knew a guy, he pulled something sickening like this.
"Hello, Wade."
Dumbledore walked into the room and held a knife in his hand.
"So, this is it, isn't it?" Deadpool asked. "All of those nights, this has what you've been doing in this room."
"Yes, Mr. Wilson, you've figured it out," Dumbledore said. "And now, that you know, I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave."
Dumbledore advanced on Deadpool with a knife. Deadpool stood his ground despite the old man brandishing a very sharp blade near him.
The Headmaster of Hogwarts passed and cut something behind him.
"I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave without offering you a brownie. They are simply divine and relaxing as well. Professor Trelawney gave me the recipe."
"So, you're relaxed and mellow when you have one of Trelawney's brownies?" Deadpool asked. "Why am I not surprised?"
Still, it was rude to decline a sweet. Deadpool took the brownie for a second and was about to eat it. Something clicked in Deadpool's head and he realized it instantly.
"Time out!" Deadpool yelled. "You're trying to drug me to prevent me from finding out your horrible secret. Well, guess what, I'm not leaving here until we have a chat about what you've been doing."
Dumbledore hung his head like a little puppy dog who had been called out for doing his business on the carpet. He looked up and Deadpool shook his head before pointing the finger in Dumbledore's face. He waggled his finger in a very reprimanding manner.
"All of these rare chocolate frog cards on the wall," Deadpool said. "All of them, including ones that are not available. This must be the most extensive collection. Do you realize what you've done?"
'We mentioned a Chocolate Frog Card earlier,' one of the Deadpool voices chimed in. 'That's what we in the business call foreshadowing.'
"Oh, it's more than the out of print cards," Dumbledore said. "Look at this rare card."
He put one of the cards in Deadpool's hand. Deadpool looked at the card which had Salazar Slytherin's picture on the front. Yet, it had Godric Gryffindor's biography on the back.
"This is…well this is…." Deadpool said. "I can't believe the Headmaster of Hogwarts would spend valuable time, resources, and tax dollars to scour the world to have a complete collection of Chocolate Frog Cards."
"Nicholas Flamel actually has more," Dumbledore said.
"Oh, right, the owner of the Philosopher's Stone," Deadpool said. "Or, if you're in the States, it's the Sorcerer's Stone, which is a very generic sounding name for a magical artifact, and not nearly as cool enough. Seriously, are Americans really that stupid that they can't understand the term Philosopher's Stone? Do people really think that Americans are that stupid?"
Eerie ominous music played as a red button with the word "POLITICS" flashed all over it. Deadpool started to sweat, and stammer, and sweat, and stammer before taking a deep breath and collapsing down onto the ground. The ominous chanting ceased.
"That was a close call," Deadpool said. "You won't believe how close."
The Mercenary took a moment to wipe the sweat off of his brow.
"So, not doing any evil schemes in here?" Deadpool asked.
"I'm afraid I can't help you there," Dumbledore said.
"You're not even jerking off to elf porn?" Deadpool asked.
"Not recently, although we all experimented when we were teenagers," Dumbledore said.
That was more about Albus Dumbledore that Wade Wilson needed to know.
"Oh, fair enough, hope you can complete your collection," Deadpool said. "As a wise man said, you got to catch them all."
"Indeed," Dumbledore replied. "A good night to you then, Wade."
"Good night, Professor D," Deadpool said.
The moment Deadpool left, Dumbledore took a deep breath. That was a close call, a very close call. He pushed his hand on the wall which shifted across.
He would never have had the bravery to come out of the closet regarding his secret. His eyes fell upon the largest collection known to magickind of "My Precious Unicorn" merchandise.
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