章節 10: Doubt
I finish editing the video and upload it on YouTube immediately, wanting to get my work done as soon as I can. I sit back and stare at the view counter, refreshing the page every few seconds just to see the number climb up. It gives me a sense of satisfaction and makes me feel a little less useless.
I kick back in my chair and look up at my plain white ceiling. So many of my fans say that my videos make their day better and that my videos helped them pull through their depression, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing much. I just record my screen with Kara, slap a few funny edits together and upload the result on YouTube. How does that make people feel better? I'm not exactly funny. Or witty. The only thing I'm good at is playing Minecraft, and even then Kara is better than me. I'm so mediocre in every way.
I start to feel sick. I feel like everything I've done and everything I'll ever do will amount to nothing especially when there are so many people better than I am. I'm just a tiny speck of matter in a vast, vast universe, filled with greater objects.
Imagining how small I am makes me feel worse. If I were to drop dead right now, there won't be many people who will feel the loss of my death. I'm extremely insignificant compared to a lot more people.
No, a tiny voice in the back of my head speaks up. No, you aren't. Six hundred thousand people are subscribed to you because they like you for who you are.
But that's one voice against my entire mind
Six hundred thousand people subscribed to you for your content, a stronger voice speaks up. Not because they like you.
Another one joins it. They want to watch your videos because Kara is in them. If Kara were to leave you, everyone would stop watching you.
The little satisfaction I gained from looking at my view count evaporates. You're right, I tell the voices. I should just...end my life.
No! The little voice speaks up again. You are loved by six hundred thousand people, remember that!
I lift my head from my hands. I don't even remember covering my face with my hands. I begin to panic. Is this how much I'm aware of my surroundings? What if one day I'm thinking to myself like this and my room catches on fire? I need to start paying more attention to what I'm doing.
I stand up suddenly from my chair, wanting to get out of this stuffy apartment. Hopefully Amelia's shift is over and I can spend time with her for a while. I pull on a beanie and check my reflection. I almost never use makeup, so I don't have any, but suddenly I wish I had something to conceal the dark circles under my eyes. I didn't notice them much the first time I went out today, but now that I look at myself properly I feel a little repulsed by the circles under my eyes. My eyes travel down to my wrinkled t-shirt and my baggy pants, and I get the urge to change out of my rubbish clothes into something better. But instead I smooth down my shirt as best as I can, pull my beanie a little lower over my hair, and leave my apartment.
每周推薦票狀態
-- 推薦票
榜單 
-- 推薦票