章節 7: Normal

Amelia folds her hands under her chin. 'So,' she says, 'how's life? You rarely talk anymore.'

'Do I?' I raise an eyebrow and squeeze some ketchup onto my plate. Should I tell Amelia about Kara?

'Yeah. You're just secluding yourself nowadays. If you weren't doing that before.' She says, watching me take a bite from my sandwich.

I lean back into my chair, sandwich in hand, my minding racing. Amelia supports the LGBT, doesn't she? I don't remember. As she said, it's been a while since I've talked to her.

I swallow the bite. 'I don't know. It's just…a lot's been going on.'

'Like what?' she asks.

'Like –' I change my mind as soon as I say the first word. 'I haven't been feeling too well lately.'

Amelia leans forward, a concerned look on her face. 'What's wrong, Artegon?' She didn't actually say Artegon. She said my name.

I take another bite just to stall time. 'I don't really know. Don't worry about it.'

'Art.' Amelia says, a steely look in her eyes. 'Tell me. I don't want you to get depressed again.'

'I'm not depressed!' I say with such conviction that I begin to think so myself. 'I'm just a little upset. About something. Don't ask me what.'

Amelia sighs. 'Well, if you want to talk just –'

'Wood!' a voice booms from the counter. 'Come here this instant!'

'Oh man.' Amelia hurriedly gets up from her chair. 'I gotta go. I'm here if you want to talk, though!'

I shake my head and resume eating my sandwich. I shouldn't tell Amelia, should I? I don't think that'll be a good idea. I sip my coffee in between bites. It works its way inside me slowly, making me feel a little better. I just want to forget the entire thing. It won't be so complicated if I could. Why can't I be normal and like a male instead? Why did I have to be like this?

I finish the rest of my sandwich and lean back in my chair. Amelia's getting told off by her manager, no doubt. If she gets fired, it'll be on me. I sigh. I should probably head back to my apartment so that I can finish editing that dumb video. But I somehow feel so comfortable here, in this softly lit café with all these people around me. Almost no one can recognize me here, which is very different from the internet. I'm gaining subscribers so quickly right now that I'll be surprised if I don't hit one million by next month. I'm excited for it, but at the same time I don't really want to be that popular on the internet. More subscribers just means more people trying to force me into doing a name reveal, even a face reveal.

Kara's messaging me again. She wants to do a video where we read fanfictions about ourselves together, and the idea is so repulsive that I laugh. Here I am going crazy, holding myself back from confessing to Kara, and she wants us to read fanfics together. I would be surprised if I even managed to make it through one paragraph.