章節 45: Chapter 42
I've been hiding in my truck for over three hours. Pulling into my driveway I got scared that maybe dad did run out of stuff to drink, which usually is the best time to be away from the house. I'm in the middle of town just driving to avoid going home, but all I can think about is what happened at Dominic's house. Every second I'm not home, is a second I feel more disgusting and need to curl up in bed more, yet every time I try to go home, I get scared and chicken out.
It's getting dark, I know soon I'll have to go home. I force myself to pull into the library parking lot so I can turn around and go to the house. Maybe dad's asleep, maybe tomorrow he'll be sober and we can talk. Maybe he'll know what to do.
My street is silent, everyone has gone inside for the evening. They're all probably sitting down to dinner and talking about their days.
My body still hurts and aches, climbing out of my truck isn't easy right now that's for sure. I still feel sick, and every step makes it worse. Grabbing the door knob, I shuffle into the house. It's just as quiet as it was outside, which I'm taking as a good sign that dads passed out for the night.
My room is a welcomed escape. I pull off my clothes, never wanting to see them again. I pull off my pants and see blood, I guess now it makes sense why it hurt so much. Pulling on new clothes, including Jordan's shirt, I go to soak my pants and underwear in the tub to get out the blood.
While the water runs, I go to grab one of the last sleeves of crackers, hoping it'll ease my nausea. I step into the kitchen and see my dad standing there, holding a paper in his hands.
I instantly freeze, unsure whether to run or hope he hasn't seen me. My keys are in my room, I doubt I could get there before him.
"So this is where you've been sneaking off to?" His voice startles me, it almost doesn't sound human, more like an angry animal.
He takes a few steps closer before charging and grabbing me. His hand wraps around my throat as he holds up the newspaper, I see the picture of me with the Stom's on the front page.
"This is what you've been up to, you little slut? Trying to sleep your way up the social ladder?" He throws down the paper and hits me, making my cut hurt worse, he takes on a sarcastic tone, "Look at little miss Rhea, too good for us that's for sure!"
He shoves me harder against the wall, "Dad, please, please stop!" I cry out.
"Shut up!" I flinch as he yells and tosses me to the floor, "Filthy slut, you never should have been born."
My heart stops, a new kind of pain creeping into me. While I feel like my heart stopped, he doesn't.
"Get out of my house! I never want to see your disgusting face again!" He takes on a disgusted look, "Your mother would be ashamed with you, you waste!"
That's too much, even for me, I have nowhere to go, and mom was a special stab in the heart, "Dad please, you don't mean that," I crawl over to him, my voice a nasty mess of sobs, "Dad please, it's me. It's your little girl, please don't do this, I still need you."
I grab his leg and he turns around and slaps me. I fall to the floor and watch him stumble into his office.
"I want you out of my house in the next thirty minutes, or else."
With that he's gone. I take a minute to process what just happened, when I do I know he's serious and run into my room.
Slamming the door, I dig into my closet. I know exactly what I'm looking for. I pull out the bag of stuff Jordan and his family got me, taking out the iPod and pink blanket. I carefully set them on the bed as I dig again, I know when I hear the thud at my feet that I've found it.
I lift the little box and cry. I can't do this anymore, I gather the items, my keys, and phone, and rush out of the house.
Crying from the moment I climb in, I drive. I drive faster than I ever have before, but I don't care. It doesn't change how long I'll be driving, it's a long way into the city, and it's already past seven o'clock.
A couple times I almost swerve off the road, not that it would matter if I did. I press the peddle a little harder, making my truck goes as fast as it can through the desert, seeing the dust gather behind me in my rear view mirror.
Driving into the city, it's calm. Not many people are out for a Saturday night, but then I guess this area calms down quickly. I glance up at the little ice cream shop, seeing it's sign say "Closed". No one is on the street except the occasional passing car.
I cross the street and sit on the park swing set, gently letting myself sway back and forth. I wrap myself in the blanket and cry some more, staring at the box in my lap. I pull out my phone and dial his number with shaking hands, not remotely surprised to get his voice mail.
"This is Jordan, I can't come to the phone right now, if you leave a message I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can."
"Jordan," I sniffle, gathering my courage, "It's me. I know you aren't going to pick up and that's fine. You may never listen to this message but it is what it is. I... I just wanted to talk to you and let you know how sorry I am," I start crying again, "I'm sorry I was a coward and couldn't fight for myself. I'm sorry I dragged you down and put you through my crap. I just... I need you to know that I really did love you and I still do, I just wanted you to know that before I..." I can't say it as I look down at the box, I clear my throat, "I can't do it anymore. I can't. Dad, he's gotten worse and I can't do anything about it anymore, it's all becoming too much. Dominic... He, umm, he hurt me really bad, he hit me, and he... He touched me and I just... I can't live with that I can't. I can't do this anymore," I have to cover my mouth to stop crying, "Jordan I know it may be a lot to ask, but please tell my dad I'm sorry, and I forgive him. Tell him to forgive himself, and get better. Please take care of him, I want him to be happy," And I mean it, as I cry I feel better knowing that maybe my dad can get better and have a life, "Jordan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm putting this on you, and I'm sorry you had to put up with my stuff, I'm just so sorry for all of it. I'm sorry if I hurt you with this, but I can't stay here anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore, I hope you can understand... Who knows, maybe I'll get to see my mom again," I can't fight the tear filled chuckle I let out, "Please remember, I love you, and I'm sorry... Goodbye."
I hang up the phone and drop it in the grass at my feet. Opening the box, I pull out the old bottles, when my mom was sick the doctors gave her lots of pain and sleeping meds to keep her comfortable, she didn't live long enough to use them all. I count how many of each are left, 16 painkillers and 7 sleeping pills. One by one I painfully swallow them all, it twists my stomach but I do it. I put the bottles back in the box and pull out the last picture from when my family really was together.
Putting in my earbuds I play the music on my iPod, staring at my mom's smile as her favorite songs play. Piano Man and Bob Jovi play, Pink and the song from Winter Formal. As every song passes I start to feel tired, my stomach pain slowly eases away without ever actually disappearing. I start feeling cold and sweaty, I start shaking as my breathing gets slower. My eyes are heavy and I can feel a few more tears trail down my cheek.
I open my eyes again at the sound of sirens, and I see flashing lights. A car door slams behind me, but I can't turn to see who it is. My eyes flutter shut again, I'm so tired I almost don't care who's behind me until I hear a voice over my music.
"Rhea? Fucking hell, Rhea!" Jordan's voice rings through my ears as my earbuds are pulled out.
It's hard but I manage to open my eyes and smile when I see him, "Hi," I whisper.
I feel hands pull me down from the swing and onto the ground. My blanket and iPod get taken as a hand forces my eye open and shines a light in it.
"Ma'am can you tell me your name?"
I try to mumble my name but nothing comes out. I hear a few people I don't recognize yell stuff at each other, saying to bag me and hurry up. I feel a warm hand clutching mine.
"Rhea stay awake," Jordan's voice feels like a distant whisper as I feel myself lifted off the grass.
His hand disappears for a moment and I hear him yelling, but it seems to be getting quieter. I hear him crying before I hear a door slam shut.
He's so far away now, it's like a tiny whisper in my ear but I hear him saying my name over and over again.
I feel like I'm moving, like in a car but calm. I feel like it's getting harder to breathe.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, hoping Jordan can hear me.
Everything fades away.
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